Why didn't he tell me?

CathyMoran

Davei141 wrote: »

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

I still believe that she had a right to know - hopefully she would have still dated him, if not that would be her loss. I would say exactly the same if the tables were turned.

The thing is with life that you do not know what will happen next - serious illnesses can and do happen to anyone at any time and other life events can happen too.

I do wish the OP the best of luck with her decision.

Karen_*

MicraBoy wrote: »

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.
.

Well they are quite important things I would have thought. Certainly her boyfriend hasn't been thinking of her future and how this might affect it.

OP just my opinion but leave. Not because of the illness but because of the blatant disregard for your feelings and your future. Thats not love. Its pure selfishness on his part and don't be with someone who puts himself before you every time.

seanybiker

he didnt say it at the start because nobody knows at the start of a relationship how long its going to last. The longer it goes on the harder it is for him to tell you. Im sure once it got serious ye had the "I cant wait to grow old with you and spend our whole lives together. " hearing that is always lovely, apart from (i imagine) you know that there is a chance that the rest of your life together might not be as long as you expected. It must be really hard for him to tell you. I do feel sorry for the two of ye though. Not in a bad way if ya know what I mean.
Supposedly people that think about being sick all the time can actually make themselves sick. If/when you talk to your boyfriend about this Im sure it is going to be in the back of both your minds. That will make the two of ye feel bad. Best just having a very serious discussion about it. You ask him to explain everything he can about his condition. Then you tell him exactly how you feel, knowing all this. Then hopefully ye decide to stay together. After that just try not to talk about it unless needs be ie he feels his health is starting to suffer. Best thing for him is a good quality life just incase he does suffer early from his problem.
It is a lot to ask from someone and Im sure nobody here would judge you if you decide that you cant have handle the problem.

I sincerely wish the best to both of ye in the future, whether it be together or not.

Davei141

CathyMoran wrote: »

I still believe that she had a right to know - hopefully she would have still dated him, if not that would be her loss. I would say exactly the same if the tables were turned.

The thing is with life that you do not know what will happen next - serious illnesses can and do happen to anyone at any time and other life events can happen too.

I do wish the OP the best of luck with her decision.

Its more the posts painting the guy as some kind of selfish asshole because he decided to keep a terminal illness to himself that i find utterly baffling. Do i feel sorry for her? Yes. But i feel for the guy with the illness way more. Having to deal an early death and wondering if the person he loves is going to bail on him because the clock is ticking...

Karen_* wrote: »

Well they are quite important things I would have thought. Certainly her boyfriend hasn't been thinking of her future and how this might affect it.

OP just my opinion but leave. Not because of the illness but because of the blatant disregard for your feelings and your future. Thats not love. Its pure selfishness on his part and don't be with someone who puts himself before you every time.

Are you for real? Some serious nutcases around here to not even understand why he kept it to himself.

~nop~

Davei141 wrote: »

Having to deal an early death and wondering if the person he loves is going to bail on him because the clock is ticking...

I think the issue here is that, if he had told her at the start, she could make a rational decision either way before either of them was too emotionally into the relationship at all.

Yes it is horrific what this man does and will have to deal with, but it is nearly as awful being the grieving widow left behind, who has lost the one she loved, possibly is left childless even if she wanted kids, and lives another 30/40 years after him. Surely if this man was unselfish he wouldn't want her to hurt like that, and surely he has a duty to warn her of it in advance so that she can make this decision herself.

Crotchety

Would ye just get a grip on yourselves. Of course he'd keep it to himself. Dying early is bad enough. He didn't need to have his girl walking out on him too.

Silverfish

If she's the type that would walk out on him, then he would know he made a bad choice in a partner, and hopefully will have better luck this time.

He should have told her, its ridiculous not to. It's better to tell the truth and see what type of person they are, do they love you enough to stay with you, than to lie to them and pretend you're someone you're not so they will stay with you.


OP, you need to say it to him that you know, and how you found out. You need to bring it to him, and ask him what he thinks. Nothing will take back that you know now, and the two of you pretending its not there is just not sustainable.

Crotchety

Maybe there's nothing up with him and you made a show of yourself by agreeing with what the fella said in the pub. He might have been taking the piss and you believed and agreed with him. You even said you knew what you don't know. Chances are your fella and his mate are laughing their four testicles off at the fact you fell for the gag.

That is one scenario...

marslip

♫ wrote: »

Maybe there's nothing up with him and you made a show of yourself by agreeing with what the fella said in the pub. He might have been taking the piss and you believed and agreed with him. You even said you knew what you don't know. Chances are your fella and his mate are laughing their four testicles off at the fact you fell for the gag.

That is one scenario...

Its not a joke, if it was I think it would be a pretty sick one.

I want to clarify a couple of things:

His friend mentioned that he had known for a few years and fairly presumed I knew.

I never said I am leaving him. Of course I feel sad and terrible that he has to deal with something like this and I know he doesn't want to be defined as 'the sick person'. I am trying not to be selfish and think about what he has had to handle.

My point is that he could have told me earlier in our relationship and now I could have made a more 'informed' decision (I hope that doesn't sound cold). A relationship is two people though, I know he has to think about himself but part of being a couple is that you are supposed to share your lives, both the good stuff and the bad stuff and you can't neglect to tell your bf or gf something that will have a dramatic effect on their life.

If I had known from early on I would have gone into this eyes wide open and knowing, within reason, what the future might hold.

I thought I could trust him with everything and, after 2 years I'm wondering if I ever really knew him at all...

LegacyUser

marslip wrote: »

I thought I could trust him with everything and, after 2 years I'm wondering if I ever really knew him at all...

I don't think you are, your head is just trying to use this issue of "trust" to rationalise not wanting to be with him. Trust me, if you loved him there's no way the trust thing would be an issue at ALL. You'd be shocked and sick with worry and really wouldn't give a damn that he hadn't told you. Think about it, you've just found out that you're boyfriends days are numbered and you're put out he didn't tell you about it 18 months or a year ago. I'm not sensing the love there really.

marslip

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think you are, your head is just trying to use this issue of "trust" to rationalise not wanting to be with him. Trust me, if you loved him there's no way the trust thing would be an issue at ALL. You'd be shocked and sick with worry and really wouldn't give a damn that he hadn't told you. Think about it, you've just found out that you're boyfriends days are numbered and you're put out he didn't tell you about it 18 months or a year ago. I'm not sensing the love there really.

I can see how it may look that way. Of course I am sick with worry about him and, if it was something that had happened while we were together itwould be a different issue. But imagine for a second if your OH had maybe 10 years left and neglected to tell you when you had planned to spend the rest of your life with him or her, wouldn't you find it a little hard to take in?

LegacyUser

marslip wrote: »

I can see how it may look that way. Of course I am sick with worry about him and, if it was something that had happened while we were together itwould be a different issue. But imagine for a second if your OH had maybe 10 years left and neglected to tell you when you had planned to spend the rest of your life with him or her, wouldn't you find it a little hard to take in?

If she told me she was dying from an incurable disease? No, honestly, mad at her would be the last thing I'd be regardless of if she had known from the day she was born. I'd be mad at the world/universe or whatever for it happening but how could I possibly be mad at the woman I love if she were to tell me that she had a terminal illness? I'd just get on with making the most of the time we have.

Alicat

As sad as it is for the OP and her partner, just because he has a terminal illness does not excuse him from considering other people's feelings too....most importantly his partner.

He was cowardly not to tell her. I totally understand why, I'm sure it's an awful thing to have to discuss with someone you love and it means facing up to it yourself. It seems to me he hasn't really accepted his illness. He kept it hidden and didn't tell the most important person in his life.

I didn't see anywhere in the OP's posts if they live together or not, but if they do....how has he managed to keep schtum about it for so long? Surely it must eat him up inside everyday? And if it's not then he's clearly ignoring the magnitude of the situation/illness and the effect it has on everybody, not just him.

OP, I know you're hurt and he should have told you, but not all of us are perfect or do the right thing all the time. I don't see it as "lying", I believe it was fear and/or denial that kept him from telling you, not that he didn't love you. It doesn't make him a bad person. Silly, yes, and foolish to think he could continue without telling you/you finding out, yes, but he's still that same person you fell in love with. The only problem I see now is where you go from here. You have to decide whether a wonderful (albeit shorter) life with the man you're madly in love with is more important than the happy families fairytale (that normally doesn't end up that way anyway!). I wouldn't judge you for picking either of them, just go with what feels right for you.

Best of luck

bSlick

Davei141 wrote: »

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

What is wrong with a women not wanting to stay with a guy who might only have 10 or 15 years left and can't have children? Tell me exactly what is wrong with that? The OP isn't in her twenties, she is running out of time to have kids and find a life partner. Life isn't like a Hollywood movie or a Michael Bolton song as some posters seem to be implying - 'if you loved him, you'd never leave him', etc...what age are you guys who are coming out with that?

This love conquers all crap doesn't wash in the real world, especially once you get into your thirties and have been around the block, are more pragmatic and have gotten past the Hollywood version of romance. She knows this guy less than 2 years yet now you think she is obliged to stay with him and end up as a childless widow in her early forties and without the possibility of ever having a child.

It's alright for a guy to say 'Id never leave my gf if she told me after 2 years she had a terminal illness' but guys don't have a clicking biological clock driving them to get pregnant. There are plenty of women who will leave, and rightly so if that's their choice, the man they love if he can't/won't have kids with them. There have been alot of threads on this forum from women in that position, and most of the suggestions were to leave the man if he's not up for children and she is as it is such a huge life issue and if the couple can't agree on it, it's often better to go their separate ways. Yet here we have the same situation but also thrown into the mix is the fact that the guy will die within 10-15 years (and has decieved her about this), and now suddenly because of that the OP is supposed to just overlook the kids issue and stay with him? That's BS.

There is nothing to feel guilty about leaving him if you chose to do so OP, he's the one who should be feeling guilty for not telling her earlier. I can see why he wouldn't tell her at the start but he should've mentioned it alot sooner than 2 years in.

What did he think was gonna happen down the line, what was he gonna do, turn around one day at 40 and say 'Sorry but Im gonna die in the next few years and all the time you were trying and failing to get pregnant I knew I was impotent and didn't tell you and now you're chance at having children is gone, sorry about that. But it's ok because we love each other.'

LegacyUser

I’m very sorry to hear about your partner, living with something like that can only be described as truly frightening and sad.

I can understand why you feel upset, but as another poster pointed out sould you really be concentrating on the fact that he omitted to tell the truth rather than the pain of losing someone you love?

In a lot of ways I totally understand where is coming from, first it starts out with new love, he is not sure if it will work out why would he bare his soul about the fact that he only has so long to live? Then you both fall in love, and I do think he genuinely loves you, the fact that he didn’t tell you even tells me that. He probably has not told you for a combination of reasons, the fact that he loves you and is terrified of losing you (even though it is somewhat selfish it is also somewhat understandable) and I am fully convinced he is in some sort of denial about his condition and that maybe when he is with you the fact that you don’t associate him with his condition because you don’t know (I’m sure his family and as you said his best friend knows, I’m sure he can see it even by the way they look at him) maybe that’s why he has not told you. Simply put when he is with you in his mind he is not sick. I know this is not an excuse but I think it might go some way to explain why he did what he did. I really wouldn’t be concentrating on the fact that he didn’t tell you, I myself would be more concerned about how is coping with a death sentence!

SarahSassy

BUt the problem is that she is now also coping with a death sentence. He has pushed her into a position whereby its veryn hard for her to leave. If he told friends then he should have told her too.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

Should she not leave him, if it is true, cos he has told (by omission) a monumemtal lie for the past 2 years.

Why should he eliminate the possibility of a loving relationship because of an ilness, even if it is true, does a friend really know the full extent of it??

SarahSassy wrote: »

Dont let self-righteous bullies on here make you feel guilty... Selfish, who?? Well its not the OP. Its her bf who let her fall in love with him and still, 2 years later, has not told her that she probably cant have kids with him and he has a short life expectancy. He is the selfish one.

Are you some kind of man hater? do you have a serious illness?? are you qualified to talk on the subject, I think not.

OP, ask him out straight. He owes you SERIOUS answers.

SarahSassy wrote: »

COS HE LIED TO HER!!!!!

If he knew he had cancer for 2 years but didnt tell her, would that be ok too?

Lied, you are extreme, are you on here to wind people up with your extreme views??
If they are in relationship and she thinks its serious, how does being in love become his fault?? If it hasn't affected their life so far and they love each other then now is the time it has naturally come up.
OP I would ask the other half about it and be careful in your approach, perhaps it is not as serious as the friend made out, perhaps they are not medically qualified to comment/sticking their beak in where it doesn't belong?heard it 5th hand??
Perhpas there is something there but he cared for her he didnt want to concern her.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

BUt the problem is that she is now also coping with a death sentence. He has pushed her into a position whereby its veryn hard for her to leave. If he told friends then he should have told her too.

OP Id look at this persons extreme opinions elsewhere and take heed.
I am sure your BF didn't intend if he really has an illness that it is probably your feelings you will find he is concerned about.

Find out the truth and dont listen to certain nuts here

aoibhebree

♫ wrote: »

Would ye just get a grip on yourselves. Of course he'd keep it to himself. Dying early is bad enough. He didn't need to have his girl walking out on him too.

Yes, of course he's entitled to happiness, but his illness doesn't mean that he's more entitled to happiness than his girlfriend! The worst thing that could happen is for his girlfriend to stay with him out of "pity" for the "invalid", and sacrifice the next couple of decades of her life caring for him out of guilt rather than love.

Unregistered wrote: »

how could I possibly be mad at the woman I love if she were to tell me that she had a terminal illness?

What has upset the OP is that he didn't tell her about the illness and she found it out from someone else!

After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, that's a pretty fundamental part of one's life to omit.

None of us knows the future - any of us could be killed in an accident or whatever, and leave behind a grieving partner. It's very likely that, had the OP known about his condition from the start, she could have dealt with it and made the decision that the relationship was still worth pursuing. However she's very deep in now, and her right to that decision has been taken away. It would be very hard to walk away at this stage of the relationship.

I just think that, if she stays with him (and fair play to her if that's what she decides to do), the last few years of his life will obviously be very tough for her to deal with. Had she been well-informed from the start, at least she could comfort herself with the knowledge that this was her decision, and it might make it easier for her to cope with. As it is, she's very emotionally involved and her right to make an informed choice has been taken away.

And yes of course I feel a lot of sympathy for her boyfriend too, but the fact is that he has had his whole life to deal with this - whereas this has just been sprung on the OP out of nowhere. My advice would be to sit down, get all the facts straight, and think long and hard before making any decisions. If you decide to leave, that's your right, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

I wish both you and your partner the best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

SarahSassy

aoibhebree wrote: »

Yes, of course he's entitled to happiness, but his illness doesn't mean that he's more entitled to happiness than his girlfriend! The worst thing that could happen is for his girlfriend to stay with him out of "pity" for the "invalid", and sacrifice the next couple of decades of her life caring for him out of guilt rather than love.



What has upset the OP is that he didn't tell her about the illness and she found it out from someone else!

After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, that's a pretty fundamental part of one's life to omit.

None of us knows the future - any of us could be killed in an accident or whatever, and leave behind a grieving partner. It's very likely that, had the OP known about his condition from the start, she could have dealt with it and made the decision that the relationship was still worth pursuing. However she's very deep in now, and her right to that decision has been taken away. It would be very hard to walk away at this stage of the relationship.

I just think that, if she stays with him (and fair play to her if that's what she decides to do), the last few years of his life will obviously be very tough for her to deal with. Had she been well-informed from the start, at least she could comfort herself with the knowledge that this was her decision, and it might make it easier for her to cope with. As it is, she's very emotionally involved and her right to make an informed choice has been taken away.

And yes of course I feel a lot of sympathy for her boyfriend too, but the fact is that he has had his whole life to deal with this - whereas this has just been sprung on the OP out of nowhere. My advice would be to sit down, get all the facts straight, and think long and hard before making any decisions. If you decide to leave, that's your right, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

I wish both you and your partner the best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

Thank God - some who sees sense.

I dont wish this guy any ill will. It is desperately sad that he is in this position but he was so wrong to keep it quiet from his partner. He let the relationship deepen but kept this big dark secret in the closet. He deserves happiness but she does too. He was wrong not to tell her. I do understand why but he was morally wrong and did he a great dis-service.

LauraLoo

this may not be an issue of trust- it could more be an issue of fear

maybe he never told you out of fear that you would "consider your options".

Maybe he confided in his friend that he doesnt know how to tell you and the friend decided to help out?

You need to just talk to him about it.

Obviously this has changed your plans of children and a future with him but our "plans" are never guaranteed anyway; he could get hit by a car tomorrow and die instantly. So could you.

By talking this out you can now make the most of what future you do have.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

Thank God - some who sees sense.

I dont wish this guy any ill will. It is desperately sad that he is in this position but he was so wrong to keep it quiet from his partner. He let the relationship deepen but kept this big dark secret in the closet. He deserves happiness but she does too. He was wrong not to tell her. I do understand why but he was morally wrong and did he a great dis-service.

No its not wrong? it didnt come up before now then how serious can it be, hopefully not. As one person mentioned chinese whisper!
Dark secret! you'd think he secretly had a family hidden away somewhere the way you are talking.
I hope this person does not have an illness or at least not a serious one, but if he does then sometimes that is part of life, you dont have any right to tell the OP to be mercenary which is what you seem to be trying to do.

If she finds out there is something there and cant go on, thats her decision, I wouldnt suggest basing that on not being told.

Find out the truth from BF, be careful about how its brought up, if its true he may have more worries already or hopefully it some kind of miscommunication.

Nuts!

SarahSassy

Merch wrote: »

No its not wrong? it didnt come up before now then how serious can it be, hopefully not. As one person mentioned chinese whisper!
Dark secret! you'd think he secretly had a family hidden away somewhere the way you are talking.
I hope this person does not have an illness or at least not a serious one, but if he does then sometimes that is part of life, you dont have any right to tell the OP to be mercenary which is what you seem to be trying to do.

If she finds out there is something there and cant go on, thats her decision, I wouldnt suggest basing that on not being told.

Find out the truth from BF, be careful about how its brought up, if its true he may have more worries already or hopefully it some kind of miscommunication.

Nuts!

You are nuts if you think this isnt a huge deal...

Sinall

I don't think it's as cut and dried as some people seem to feel it is. When you love someone it's very hard to say: Okay, he didn't tell me something important, so I'm off.

Whilst I definitely agree that the OP should have been told and would be really hurt/angry/bewildered if something like that was kept from me, she also has to come to terms with the fact that her OH has a serious illness. So there are two major issues at play here, both of which affect the other.....

I'm sure we can all imagine the reasons why he didn't tell her: didn't want to push her away initially, then when he fell for her he probably didn't know how to rectify the situation. Yes, it's completely wrong that she had to find out from someone else, but at the time he probably felt that he was doing it for the right reasons.

OP, I completely understand that you feel that your choice was taken from you at the appropriate time that it should have been made and that now you have to make that choice when you are seriously involved with him. I know this is very hard on you. He is probably terrifed of losing you, just as you now have to face up to the fact that you may one day lose himto his illness.

Whatever decision you make is going to be tough. IMO, both of you need to have an understanding of how the other one feels and hopefully that will help somewhat. I wish you all the best with this difficult situation. The only way you can really get to the bottom of things is by talking to your OH.

aoibhebree

LauraLoo wrote: »

maybe he never told you out of fear that you would "consider your options".

But can't you see that she should have had the right to consider her options! If the roles were reversed, surely he would have wanted the same? This isn't some tiny omission - if what she heard is true, their remaining years together will be a lot fewer than she hoped, and drastically different. He knowingly allowed her to plan for a future that he knew could never happen. Apart from anything else, it shows a lack of respect for and faith in his girlfriend.

messygirl

i have been going out with my partner for 4 year, if i found out he had an illness that would be like your boyfriends, even from another friend, i would think of bailing for a few seconds, its only natural, you expect to be able to have a normal happy life, but then i would want to support him and care for him and be there as long as he wanted, as for kids, you can get sperm donation, adopt, etc. the lying is a self defence mechanism,men want to be strong for their partners, its probably emasculating for him to admit that he is "weak", that he as an illness, but would you prefer to spend the next 10-15 years with a man you love, who kept something from you because they were scared or whatever other reason, or would you prefer to bail and try and find someone who you might love? its the internet, no need to lie, but you will have to talk to him and the sooner the better,

marslip

Hi, OP here

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm not going to make any kind of decision before we have had a chance to talk.

I still feel like I'm in shock and everything is whirling around in my head. I don't feel angry anymore, just very sad. Whatever I decide it's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I want to say that of course I would stand by him for whatever time is left but it's so hard when I feel like any trust we had is gone. I think I could deal with any illness if we had had a chance to talk it through and I would have known from the beginning what my life would have been really like with him.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that we might never have kids and even if we do find a way, he might not be around to see them grow up, and that I might lose my bf some day soon. I'm heartbroken for him and heartbroken about the fact that he felt he couldn't tell me.

I always thought that the most important part of any relationship is trust, now I wonder are there other things he didn't tell me. When we talked about the future, how could he not tell me what it would really be like?

Sinall

Talk to him. See what the illness is and what the prognosis is. Finding out the facts is hugely important. Of course you are worried and upset. Don't cause yourself extra stress by worrying over things that you don't know for sure yet.

LegacyUser

I think people are being seriously hard on the OP. I can understand her shock and hurt and finding out the way she did. Did the best friend tell you what is wrong with your boyfriend? Maybe, as a previous poster said, it's not as bad as he thinks it is. Also medicine is moving along all the time, so you never know-there may be some sort of treatment developed in the next few years that will prolong his life. I think that the first thing you need to do, is sit your boyfriend down, tell him how much you love him, and explain what has happened. Ask him to please explain what his medical problem is. Then ask him, nicely, why he didn't tell you. It was probably a case of "I'll tell her soon", because it's not something that you would tell something straight off the bat in a new relationship. He probably intended on telling you, and just hasn't found the time. That's something only he knows and understands. Then, you need to ask him what his plans for your relationship are. Can he have children? Has he thought about this, and/or alternatives such as in vitro, or adoption if he can't? Then explain to him, again nicely, why this has hurt you so much, but that you still love him, that this has been the most important relationship of your life, and that you are going to think about things some more, now that you have all the facts. But keep talking to eachother. Seriously, do not let this stuff fester. You're going to have a million questions for him, and you need to have them answered, because this is your life too. I would suggest talking to your Mum or a close friend, or even a counsellor to get through all the feelings this is going to throw up.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're selfish and I think it's a bit mean of people to tell you that you are.

Good luck.
x

sunnyside

I also want to add that 10-15 years is a long time. The OP has no guarantee that she will live that long herself. How often have we seen people with terminal cancer, etc attend the funerals of people expected to out-live them.

I'm not meaning to be morbid but I think it's a valid point to remember that none of us can guarantee that we will be alive in 20 years time, terminal illness or not.