Why didn't he tell me?

LauraLoo

this may not be an issue of trust- it could more be an issue of fear

maybe he never told you out of fear that you would "consider your options".

Maybe he confided in his friend that he doesnt know how to tell you and the friend decided to help out?

You need to just talk to him about it.

Obviously this has changed your plans of children and a future with him but our "plans" are never guaranteed anyway; he could get hit by a car tomorrow and die instantly. So could you.

By talking this out you can now make the most of what future you do have.

Merch

SarahSassy wrote: »

Thank God - some who sees sense.

I dont wish this guy any ill will. It is desperately sad that he is in this position but he was so wrong to keep it quiet from his partner. He let the relationship deepen but kept this big dark secret in the closet. He deserves happiness but she does too. He was wrong not to tell her. I do understand why but he was morally wrong and did he a great dis-service.

No its not wrong? it didnt come up before now then how serious can it be, hopefully not. As one person mentioned chinese whisper!
Dark secret! you'd think he secretly had a family hidden away somewhere the way you are talking.
I hope this person does not have an illness or at least not a serious one, but if he does then sometimes that is part of life, you dont have any right to tell the OP to be mercenary which is what you seem to be trying to do.

If she finds out there is something there and cant go on, thats her decision, I wouldnt suggest basing that on not being told.

Find out the truth from BF, be careful about how its brought up, if its true he may have more worries already or hopefully it some kind of miscommunication.

Nuts!

SarahSassy

Merch wrote: »

No its not wrong? it didnt come up before now then how serious can it be, hopefully not. As one person mentioned chinese whisper!
Dark secret! you'd think he secretly had a family hidden away somewhere the way you are talking.
I hope this person does not have an illness or at least not a serious one, but if he does then sometimes that is part of life, you dont have any right to tell the OP to be mercenary which is what you seem to be trying to do.

If she finds out there is something there and cant go on, thats her decision, I wouldnt suggest basing that on not being told.

Find out the truth from BF, be careful about how its brought up, if its true he may have more worries already or hopefully it some kind of miscommunication.

Nuts!

You are nuts if you think this isnt a huge deal...

Sinall

I don't think it's as cut and dried as some people seem to feel it is. When you love someone it's very hard to say: Okay, he didn't tell me something important, so I'm off.

Whilst I definitely agree that the OP should have been told and would be really hurt/angry/bewildered if something like that was kept from me, she also has to come to terms with the fact that her OH has a serious illness. So there are two major issues at play here, both of which affect the other.....

I'm sure we can all imagine the reasons why he didn't tell her: didn't want to push her away initially, then when he fell for her he probably didn't know how to rectify the situation. Yes, it's completely wrong that she had to find out from someone else, but at the time he probably felt that he was doing it for the right reasons.

OP, I completely understand that you feel that your choice was taken from you at the appropriate time that it should have been made and that now you have to make that choice when you are seriously involved with him. I know this is very hard on you. He is probably terrifed of losing you, just as you now have to face up to the fact that you may one day lose himto his illness.

Whatever decision you make is going to be tough. IMO, both of you need to have an understanding of how the other one feels and hopefully that will help somewhat. I wish you all the best with this difficult situation. The only way you can really get to the bottom of things is by talking to your OH.

aoibhebree

LauraLoo wrote: »

maybe he never told you out of fear that you would "consider your options".

But can't you see that she should have had the right to consider her options! If the roles were reversed, surely he would have wanted the same? This isn't some tiny omission - if what she heard is true, their remaining years together will be a lot fewer than she hoped, and drastically different. He knowingly allowed her to plan for a future that he knew could never happen. Apart from anything else, it shows a lack of respect for and faith in his girlfriend.

messygirl

i have been going out with my partner for 4 year, if i found out he had an illness that would be like your boyfriends, even from another friend, i would think of bailing for a few seconds, its only natural, you expect to be able to have a normal happy life, but then i would want to support him and care for him and be there as long as he wanted, as for kids, you can get sperm donation, adopt, etc. the lying is a self defence mechanism,men want to be strong for their partners, its probably emasculating for him to admit that he is "weak", that he as an illness, but would you prefer to spend the next 10-15 years with a man you love, who kept something from you because they were scared or whatever other reason, or would you prefer to bail and try and find someone who you might love? its the internet, no need to lie, but you will have to talk to him and the sooner the better,

marslip

Hi, OP here

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm not going to make any kind of decision before we have had a chance to talk.

I still feel like I'm in shock and everything is whirling around in my head. I don't feel angry anymore, just very sad. Whatever I decide it's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I want to say that of course I would stand by him for whatever time is left but it's so hard when I feel like any trust we had is gone. I think I could deal with any illness if we had had a chance to talk it through and I would have known from the beginning what my life would have been really like with him.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that we might never have kids and even if we do find a way, he might not be around to see them grow up, and that I might lose my bf some day soon. I'm heartbroken for him and heartbroken about the fact that he felt he couldn't tell me.

I always thought that the most important part of any relationship is trust, now I wonder are there other things he didn't tell me. When we talked about the future, how could he not tell me what it would really be like?

Sinall

Talk to him. See what the illness is and what the prognosis is. Finding out the facts is hugely important. Of course you are worried and upset. Don't cause yourself extra stress by worrying over things that you don't know for sure yet.

LegacyUser

I think people are being seriously hard on the OP. I can understand her shock and hurt and finding out the way she did. Did the best friend tell you what is wrong with your boyfriend? Maybe, as a previous poster said, it's not as bad as he thinks it is. Also medicine is moving along all the time, so you never know-there may be some sort of treatment developed in the next few years that will prolong his life. I think that the first thing you need to do, is sit your boyfriend down, tell him how much you love him, and explain what has happened. Ask him to please explain what his medical problem is. Then ask him, nicely, why he didn't tell you. It was probably a case of "I'll tell her soon", because it's not something that you would tell something straight off the bat in a new relationship. He probably intended on telling you, and just hasn't found the time. That's something only he knows and understands. Then, you need to ask him what his plans for your relationship are. Can he have children? Has he thought about this, and/or alternatives such as in vitro, or adoption if he can't? Then explain to him, again nicely, why this has hurt you so much, but that you still love him, that this has been the most important relationship of your life, and that you are going to think about things some more, now that you have all the facts. But keep talking to eachother. Seriously, do not let this stuff fester. You're going to have a million questions for him, and you need to have them answered, because this is your life too. I would suggest talking to your Mum or a close friend, or even a counsellor to get through all the feelings this is going to throw up.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're selfish and I think it's a bit mean of people to tell you that you are.

Good luck.
x

sunnyside

I also want to add that 10-15 years is a long time. The OP has no guarantee that she will live that long herself. How often have we seen people with terminal cancer, etc attend the funerals of people expected to out-live them.

I'm not meaning to be morbid but I think it's a valid point to remember that none of us can guarantee that we will be alive in 20 years time, terminal illness or not.

I'm shocked at some of the responses here. Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship and he has not been honest. He has kept something secret which is a really big deal. Yes maybe in a perfect world, love would be all that mattered, but I think he should have told her about potential difficulties having kids or the fact he has a shortened life span. No, none of us know what will happen in the future, but when you DO know, I think you owe it to your partner to be honest with them. He seems to have misled her, and while I feel for him and I'm sure he had no malicious intentions, that's a pretty big deal.

Front

marslip wrote: »

I do love him, very much. THats why this is all so hard - if he really loved me and saw this as more than some kind of stop gap, then why wouldn't he even trust me to tell me something that will have such an effect on my life/our life together going forward?

I don't blame you for your reaction - much like I don't blame him for his. You should stay with him - but it is easy for me to say that. He should have told you - again easy for me to say. The potential cost of him telling you was his future happiness - i.e. the risk of losing you. The potential cost of you staying with him through this is being widowed at 40 - with no children and alone.- but if you walk away will you find a man you love? do you cut this man adrift never to see him again, I don't think it's possible to do so if you love someone.- no guarantees.

This is a no win situation for either party. Good luck