Cheated

FilthyMickey

ando wrote: »

Pinch of salt.. I’m sorry but have you ever been cheated on? It sounds like from that post that you have been the one doing the cheating. Do you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it? I’m not talking myself up by being "holyer than thou", it’s just that I’ve never cheated. I have been tempted and have had the opportunity but I’m not that kind of person. I’m not trying to big myself up, its just who I am. I have respect for who I am with till the end, unfortunately some people don't and just stab us saps in the back, and I don’t feel any sympathy for any of them. In this case there are kids involved which I feel sorry for. I just don’t understand how ppl can cheat, never will

Good for you if you will never cheat. Sorry for you if you have been cheated on. My post is directed at the OP as to not to listen to people who will lecture him about what he already knows was wrong.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons and circumstances and your circumstances may be different to his.
And no, your presumption of me cheating is incorrect and irrelevent.

FilthyMickey

Suchafool wrote: »

You can think what you want of me but I can't agree that you dont make mistakes and drink doesnt affect your inhibitions, I genuinely feel like I had no control over what I was doing at the time. I know I'm generally a good person, husband and father and I know my wife knows that too and I would be reasonably confident she'd forgive me, if I told her but I also wouldnt like to hurt her anymore so I'll say nothing. I agree with most of the things you are saying, I will not put myself in this position ever again. I have learnt from this and it wont happen again.

I wil agree to what another poster has said in that you are suffering some depression/guilt ect from the come down of a heavy drinking session. This will pass soon and you will be thinking more coherently.
I believe you that you have learned a lesson and you wont do it again if you dont drink yourself into that sort of state. Wiseup and move on.
Good luck

Distorted

Suchafool wrote: »

I genuinely feel like I had no control over what I was doing at the time. I know I'm generally a good person, husband and father

That really implausible. If you had no control over what you were doing, you wouldn't have been able to chat up a girl you didn't know, book into a hotel, get into the room and physically have sex.

Most people are generally good people, unless they're psychopaths.

It sounds like you did it quite deliberately but have made a pact with yourself that its ok as long as you admit somewhere publicly that its wrong and you won't do it again.

Until the next time you "have no control over yourself". Is this really the first time you have cheated on your wife?

I do actually agree that people make mistakes but I don't think your responses indicate that you accept the blame for doing so which makes it unlikely to happen again.

FilthyMickey

RoisinDove wrote: »

Holier than thou? You're just another one of those people who trivialises cheating as if it were a traffic violation or keeping a five euro note you found on the street. The OP took marriage vows, he promised to be faithful and he completely broke that promise! It's more than a little mistake. Saying 'oh I'll learn from it and never do it again' is the coward's way out. He says he feels bad but in my experience people like this really don't. They feel guilty for a week, then they justify it to themselves and make excuses for it. OP is already doing this! The right thing to do is to tell the wife and let her decide what to do.

No you are mistaken, I am not trivialising cheating, its very serious and I would hate it done to me. I would honestly feel sorry for his wife and kids if they found out. I am trying to be logical here and give him the benefit of the doubt in that he has learned his lesson by realising the error of his ways.
I mean if he never does it again and she never found out, well really no one is hurt are they? The children will still have a father and they wont suffer the fallout of a broken marriage. Damage limitation is what I feel is important here. The other side of the argument that was put forward was telling him to come clean otherwise hes a coward? Well I think the "coward" action is the right one here.
Telling her because its the "right thing to do" does not sound logical to me if you look at the bigger picture.

FilthyMickey

Distorted wrote: »

That really implausible. If you had no control over what you were doing, you wouldn't have been able to chat up a girl you didn't know, book into a hotel, get into the room and physically have sex.

Most people are generally good people, unless they're psychopaths.

It sounds like you did it quite deliberately but have made a pact with yourself that its ok as long as you admit somewhere publicly that its wrong and you won't do it again.

Until the next time you "have no control over yourself". Is this really the first time you have cheated on your wife?

I do actually agree that people make mistakes but I don't think your responses indicate that you accept the blame for doing so which makes it unlikely to happen again.

What does he have to do or say to warrant blame acceptance?
When you mention "good people" and psychopaths above, are you thinking that the OP may be a psychopath cause he booked a hotel to have sex with a woman, in that it was premeditated?

Bottle_of_Smoke

MAte don't even think about suicide. That would be far worse than your wife finding out. In cold logical terms its irrational too. Might as well wait and see if she finds out before doing it. Of course it would be just as bad for your family then too.

What you did was wrong but you held off having sex so there's at least a shred of decency in you somewhere.

kerryman12

MAte don't even think about suicide. That would be far worse than your wife finding out. In cold logical terms its irrational too. Might as well wait and see if she finds out before doing it. QUOTE]

Dude

I dont like picking out others post when they are trying to help the OP, but WTF!!!

Suicide wont help anyone at any stage, end of.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your input again, its much appreciated, I'm not going to kill myself but that's just the way I felt yesterday. I know lots of people cheat but I never thought I'd be one of them. You just have to believe I'm genuinely remorseful, I'm just so sick in my stomach about it.

Also, for the person who suggested its not the first time, well that's just ridiculous, why would I lie on a forum where nobody knows me. Everything I have said is the truth. I have been in situations before where a girl has come on to me and I've just fobbed them off. I have never gone out of my way to hook up with someone.

All I can say is that I will never get into a situation where this will happen and if my wife finds out I will have to deal with the consequences.

up for anything

argentum wrote: »

Please dont tell your wife and feck up her life.Live with the guilt.get yourself tested if you need to and try and move on.

So it's not fecking up her life to let her live a lie with a cheater!!!! :mad:

I'm amazed by the replies here compared to the usual ones. There have been OPs on PI who have cheated on a boyfriend of several months and they have been pilloried and told that they are 'scum' and that they should 'fess up and give their other halves a chance to find some decent girl/guy and all that sort of stuff! What is the difference in this man's situation and theirs?

ETA: I forgot to add my advice. Tell your wife. It's only right that she should know. I don't think guilt will be that much of a burden especially when you balance it against what you stand to lose.

gerryk

FilthyMickey wrote: »

I mean if he never does it again and she never found out, well really no one is hurt are they? The children will still have a father and they wont suffer the fallout of a broken marriage. Damage limitation is what I feel is important here.

I'm glad someone is saying it. There are far too many taking what they see as the high moral ground, when it's obvious that the motivation behind this is purely vindictive and punitive. They just want to see the guy suffer with no thought for his children and the damage the fallout from something like this would have on them.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

gerryk

OP, just so we're clear, in my opinion, what you did is one of the most reprehensible breaches of trust a person can be guilty of. However, I don't believe any good can come of it telling your wife. What you do need to do is take a long, hard look at yourself and whatever drives you failed to keep in check and sort that out.
As for the guilt... every time you feel guilty, turn that guilt into something positive you do for your family.

allovertheshop

OP,

as a person who has been on the receiving end of being cheated on, i say don't tell her.

you have two children together so realistically speaking, telling her is not going to break up your marriage because you'll probably put the children first and decide that the best thing for them is to stay together.

so what you will end up doing is breaking your wifes heart and then she'll end up staying with you and questioning herself (and you) everyday. Everytime you are late home, she'll be wondering...everytime you say you are meeting friends, she'll be wondering. It's just not fair on her.

What you did was so wrong, but you know that already, otherwise you wouldn't be on here looking for advice.

Kimia

I would also be normally of the opinion to tell her and let the chips fall as they may, but in this instance it appears that the OP is genuinely remorseful and horrified at his own behaviour. Coupled with the fact that he has never done anything like this before in 20 years, I would be confident that he will never do it again, especially after a shock like this.

I totally disagree with the mystics saying that 'drink just lets the demons out that were there all along'. What a load of crap. I have been baloobas before and done stuff totally out of character, in fact one time I was horrible to someone (yelled at them really bad) that I really, genuinely like! It could have been anyone I was screaming at, because I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing. It is terrible, but it doesn't mean that I really don't like that person deep down and my 'true' thoughts came out. I was just ranting like a lunatic! (Oh I still feel shame over that one )

So my advice is similar to Gerry's above. Don't say anything. Live with the guilt. That will be your punishment. And use this as an opportunity to realise that you are very very lucky to have a family who love you. Make sure to be the best husband and father you can be.

I am a friend

Suchafool wrote: »

Thanks for your input, the girl knew I was married. As I said I know the single cause of this was drinking a lot of vodka, I know this for certain, I was in such a state I could have been anyones. This has never happened to me before in all the years I have been drinking. It is totally out of character for me, as I said anybody can make a mistake once, today has been the worst day of my life, I really do feel like driving off the pier. I don't know what to do, I really feel like I have to tell my wife but I know I shouldnt.

I'm so useless

Well with all due respect, you were sober enough for your equipment to work!!!

I am a friend

bluewolf wrote: »

So tell her.

Lying and deceit is hurting her. It's just not hurting you, which I suspect is what you are more concerned about especially as you said she might forgive you.

Bluewolf, you are actually playing with peoples lives here... Your words or anyones on here may encourage him to tell her and to what affect...???

He has been an ass but telling his wife will not change it and its better to learn from it and move on than to rip apart his family....

liah

You already cheated on her, OP. Do you really want the fact that you're lying about it sitting on your conscience, too?

If you love her and respect her, you will tell her what you have done, show her the depths of your remorse, explain absolutely everything, and promise her you will do absolutely anything it takes to make sure you can regain her trust.

Your wife is an adult and presumably an intelligent, mature woman. By not telling her, it means you don't think she's strong enough to make her own decision about what to do; it's insulting and deceptive and entirely NOT what you should be doing with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with. What does it say about how you view her? There's also the fact that, more often than not, somewhere down the line the truth will come out. Do you want to risk her hearing about it from someone other than you? If she hears it from someone else she'll be wondering how many times it's happened, and it could seriously snowball.

If your wife is an intelligent, mature woman, she should be able to read your sincerity if you are genuinely remorseful. Please have enough respect for her to be honest with her.

I am a friend

liah wrote: »

Please have enough respect for her to be honest with her.

You are idealising the situation here... Its better for him to treat ehr with respect and love for the next 50 years and never cheat again than tell her, to get it off his conscience and ruin her trust in him and the marriage.

OP, I would normally never say this but 'Dont tell her'. you seem genuinely sorry and the best way to make it up to your family is to do right by them from now on.

liah

I am a friend wrote: »

You are idealising the situation here... Its better for him to treat ehr with respect and love for the next 50 years and never cheat again than tell her, to get it off his conscience and ruin her trust in him and the marriage.

OP, I would normally never say this but 'Dont tell her'. you seem genuinely sorry and the best way to make it up to your family is to do right by them from now on.

I know I would consider being more forgiving if he came clean right away and showed me his remorse than if I found out down the line that he'd done it and then added insult to injury by lying about it to my face.

Look at the circumstances.

1) It only happened once
2) He was an incoherent level of drunk
3) He was remorseful to the point of contemplating suicide
4) They didn't have sex
5) He said it's possible that his wife would forgive him
6) His wife has to consider the future of the family, too

Put all these together, pair them with demonstrating (and I mean going all out) he'll do everything to win her trust back, and odds are fairly good that she won't throw away the relationship, and he'll have two less things on his conscience and possibly an even stronger relationship by the end of it because at least she'll know that if something happens (and not just in regards to cheating), he has enough respect for her to come clean and allow her to make her own judgments.

Astonishing how many people are advocating making decisions for and lying to other people, especially the ones you claim to love.

kerryman12

This is a serious question now, I am not trying to be a w**ker but do you honestly believe that?

and odds are fairly good that she won't throw away the relationship,

liah

kerryman12 wrote: »

This is a serious question now, I am not trying to be a w**ker but do you honestly believe that?

Given the circumstances and assuming she's a reasonable woman? Yes. She's married to him and has his kids, imo if what he says happened is all that happened and it really was only a once off and the rest of the points I listed, I think it's entirely possible the cons of ending the relationship would outweigh the pros.

Depends on how strong and mature their relationship is. Still, I think he owes her that much at least.

I am a friend

I am a friend wrote: »

Bluewolf, you are actually playing with peoples lives here...

So is everyone else posting

Your words or anyones on here may encourage him to tell her and to what affect...???

To a positive effect. I should hope my words are encouraging him to tell, though I doubt it

He has been an ass but telling his wife will not change it and its better to learn from it and move on than to rip apart his family....

Give me a fcukin' break. The only one "ripping apart his family" was him for cheating in the first place. Did we skip over that part? HE cheated.
Telling his wife will make him a little less of an ass than lying about it.
Don't give me this rubbishy wishy-washy self-serving morality about "lying is ok or something might happen to the family": he passed that post and lost any right to determine what's best for the family (in this regard) the second he did it.

kerryman12 wrote: »

This is a serious question now, I am not trying to be a w**ker but do you honestly believe that?

He said it himself, that she'd probably forgive him, which means he has even less excuse not to tell her

kerryman12

Bluewolf makes a lot of sense as usual. :eek:

Reading this thread I have to say that I was leaning toward advising the OP to say nothing. Whats done is done and can't be undone etc. I cant help but feal that the OP going and looking for forgivness from his wife is in many way's a selfish act. If he is truely sorry and means what he says about never repeating it then maybe its ok. But of course that cuts both ways and if he dosent really mean what he says then saying nothing is equally selfish as he simply want's to get away with it.

But of course its not ok. If the OP says nothing then really his relationship is based on a lie from this point forward. OP did you consider if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know what happend - or live your life in ignorance?

On the whole forgiveness thing I would not be so sure. I know the posters above are basing what they say on your opinion OP, of how your wife will react but it can be very hard to predict how people will react when confronted with a life altering moment. If I were the person that was cheated on I dont think I could bring myself to forgive, and even if by some miracle I did - I definately wouldnt forget. Maybe that says more about me though than anything else.

TBH OP you have landed yourself in a reall ball of sh*te with no good outcomes. The only question that remains is weather or not the future of your family is based on a lie or the truth.

LegacyUser

well one outcome here is that you will have a future with your family if you keep it to yourself, tell your wife you cheated and it may very well rip your family apart!

I don't endorse cheating in any way, and I agree with others that your wife deserves to know, her life is not based on trust and truth anymore. But it's not his wife who is here seeking advice, it's the OP so if you want to stay married stay quiet about it and learn to live with the guilt!

Novella

I don't believe in the whole, "What one doesn't know doesn't hurt them" thing. I think that was just made up to ease guilty consciences. So my advice would be to tell your wife. It's unfair on her to be in a relationship where she doesn't know the truth. Yes, she will be hurt, but imo, she deserves to know, and she deserves to be able to make a choice as to whether to forgive you or to move on.

Keeping it from her because you're scared she'll leave you is just wrong. It's selfish. Tell her and let her decide.

Wurly

Novella wrote: »

I don't believe in the whole, "What one doesn't know doesn't hurt them" thing. I think that was just made up to ease guilty consciences. So my advice would be to tell your wife. It's unfair on her to be in a relationship where she doesn't know the truth. Yes, she will be hurt, but imo, she deserves to know, and she deserves to be able to make a choice as to whether to forgive you or to move on.

Keeping it from her because you're scared she'll leave you is just wrong. It's selfish. Tell her and let her decide.

+ 1 million. If you f*ck up, you should have to deal with the consequences. And if you're being lied to, you deserve to know. There is nothing worse than being in what you think is a loving, trusting relationship. Only to discover that you're with a cheater.

If we can go off with other people and just not tell our other halves, then what the hell is the point?!

Tell her. You owe her that much.

LegacyUser

To my mind the OP seems like he is 100% remorseful and will not let it happen again. Despite what some people on here seem to think it is possible to drink too much and not have any idea what you are doing(I know and i dont mean cheating). Those who think its not possible well done but id suggest you have simply not drank enough of the right stuff. I know people shouldnt drink that much but peope shouldnt vote FF either but its not an ideal world. It's not an excuse for the OP's actions, it's an explanation.
So taking the fact that we all accept he loves his wife and family and won't let it happen what shoulld he do?

Moving on from that I think there are two possible options open to him.
One is tell her.
Outcome, they stay together but she will never forgive or trust him again impacting negatively on their life together. Or she leaves him and all their lives are shattered, inc the kids.

Two is don't tell her.
Outcome, they move on and OP has to deal with the guilt of what he did. He dedicates himself to be the best father/husband he can be and never puts himself in that position again. (If he does he doesnt deserve his family). His wife enjoys a happy family and for her, and not being callous about it, ignorance will be bliss.

Being objective here the best option with the best outcome is the second as far as I can see. I know some of you will say being lied to is unforgiveable, but surely it is if a great family life can be had by all concerned, and even if she is an amazingly forgiving person i think it has to forever taint the relationship. This is not about assuaging the OPs guilt, its about whats best for all concerned.

OP you seem like a decent guy who did a stupid thing. Despite what some on here are saying you're not evil, you're not Hitller, you were an idiot.
Dont tell her,move on. Any time you feel the negative energy of guilt dont, transform it into something positive for you family.
Learn the lesson and dont do it again.

Alcohol can be a f**ker

Alcohol can be a f**ker wrote: »

Moving on from that I think there are two possible options open to him.
One is tell her.
Outcome, they stay together but she will never forgive or trust him again impacting negatively on their life together. Or she leaves him and all their lives are shattered, inc the kids.

Or she forgives him as he suggested she might.
And don't play the "kids" move, the mother is probably in a better position to decide what is best for the children than the man who cheated and is now lying about it.

Two is don't tell her.
Outcome, they move on and OP has to deal with the guilt of what he did. He dedicates himself to be the best father/husband he can be and never puts himself in that position again. (If he does he doesnt deserve his family). His wife enjoys a happy family and for her, and not being callous about it, ignorance will be bliss.

And the rest of his life, the relationship with her will be centred on a lie. And it will be centred, because if he does have the remorse he claims, it will always be there. A big lie between them.

Being objective here the best option with the best outcome is the second as far as I can see.

Well, I absolutely disagree.

I know some of you will say being lied to is unforgiveable, but surely it is if a great family life can be had by all concerned

I think it's up to her, not him

booboo88

liah wrote: »

You already cheated on her, OP. Do you really want the fact that you're lying about it sitting on your conscience, too?
r.

liah wrote: »

Given the circumstances and assuming she's a reasonable woman? Yes. She's married to him and has his kids, imo if what he says happened is all that happened and it really was only a once off and the rest of the points I listed, I think it's entirely possible the cons of ending the relationship would outweigh the pros.

Depends on how strong and mature their relationship is. Still, I think he owes her that much at least.

Was you mean, he drunk enough to the point to go to a hotel and fool around, he knew what he was doing,
tell your wife op, its not fair on her for you to decieve her.
Once a cheater always a cheater

Smashhits

I've been reading this thread and the one thing that stands out is that nobody questioned whether or not your wife may already know something is amiss? If you've been together for nearly 20 years I assume you both know each other very well. She will have an indication that something is wrong but is probably waiting for you to tell her. I say this because I was on the receiving end of a similar issue. I knew there was something wrong because my OH had been acting strangely. Give your wife the credit and respect she deserves. This is going to eat away at you until you come clean. She deserves the right to make her own decisions.