Cheated

liah

kerryman12 wrote: »

This is a serious question now, I am not trying to be a w**ker but do you honestly believe that?

Given the circumstances and assuming she's a reasonable woman? Yes. She's married to him and has his kids, imo if what he says happened is all that happened and it really was only a once off and the rest of the points I listed, I think it's entirely possible the cons of ending the relationship would outweigh the pros.

Depends on how strong and mature their relationship is. Still, I think he owes her that much at least.

I am a friend

I am a friend wrote: »

Bluewolf, you are actually playing with peoples lives here...

So is everyone else posting

Your words or anyones on here may encourage him to tell her and to what affect...???

To a positive effect. I should hope my words are encouraging him to tell, though I doubt it

He has been an ass but telling his wife will not change it and its better to learn from it and move on than to rip apart his family....

Give me a fcukin' break. The only one "ripping apart his family" was him for cheating in the first place. Did we skip over that part? HE cheated.
Telling his wife will make him a little less of an ass than lying about it.
Don't give me this rubbishy wishy-washy self-serving morality about "lying is ok or something might happen to the family": he passed that post and lost any right to determine what's best for the family (in this regard) the second he did it.

kerryman12 wrote: »

This is a serious question now, I am not trying to be a w**ker but do you honestly believe that?

He said it himself, that she'd probably forgive him, which means he has even less excuse not to tell her

kerryman12

Bluewolf makes a lot of sense as usual. :eek:

Reading this thread I have to say that I was leaning toward advising the OP to say nothing. Whats done is done and can't be undone etc. I cant help but feal that the OP going and looking for forgivness from his wife is in many way's a selfish act. If he is truely sorry and means what he says about never repeating it then maybe its ok. But of course that cuts both ways and if he dosent really mean what he says then saying nothing is equally selfish as he simply want's to get away with it.

But of course its not ok. If the OP says nothing then really his relationship is based on a lie from this point forward. OP did you consider if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know what happend - or live your life in ignorance?

On the whole forgiveness thing I would not be so sure. I know the posters above are basing what they say on your opinion OP, of how your wife will react but it can be very hard to predict how people will react when confronted with a life altering moment. If I were the person that was cheated on I dont think I could bring myself to forgive, and even if by some miracle I did - I definately wouldnt forget. Maybe that says more about me though than anything else.

TBH OP you have landed yourself in a reall ball of sh*te with no good outcomes. The only question that remains is weather or not the future of your family is based on a lie or the truth.

LegacyUser

well one outcome here is that you will have a future with your family if you keep it to yourself, tell your wife you cheated and it may very well rip your family apart!

I don't endorse cheating in any way, and I agree with others that your wife deserves to know, her life is not based on trust and truth anymore. But it's not his wife who is here seeking advice, it's the OP so if you want to stay married stay quiet about it and learn to live with the guilt!

Novella

I don't believe in the whole, "What one doesn't know doesn't hurt them" thing. I think that was just made up to ease guilty consciences. So my advice would be to tell your wife. It's unfair on her to be in a relationship where she doesn't know the truth. Yes, she will be hurt, but imo, she deserves to know, and she deserves to be able to make a choice as to whether to forgive you or to move on.

Keeping it from her because you're scared she'll leave you is just wrong. It's selfish. Tell her and let her decide.

Wurly

Novella wrote: »

I don't believe in the whole, "What one doesn't know doesn't hurt them" thing. I think that was just made up to ease guilty consciences. So my advice would be to tell your wife. It's unfair on her to be in a relationship where she doesn't know the truth. Yes, she will be hurt, but imo, she deserves to know, and she deserves to be able to make a choice as to whether to forgive you or to move on.

Keeping it from her because you're scared she'll leave you is just wrong. It's selfish. Tell her and let her decide.

+ 1 million. If you f*ck up, you should have to deal with the consequences. And if you're being lied to, you deserve to know. There is nothing worse than being in what you think is a loving, trusting relationship. Only to discover that you're with a cheater.

If we can go off with other people and just not tell our other halves, then what the hell is the point?!

Tell her. You owe her that much.

LegacyUser

To my mind the OP seems like he is 100% remorseful and will not let it happen again. Despite what some people on here seem to think it is possible to drink too much and not have any idea what you are doing(I know and i dont mean cheating). Those who think its not possible well done but id suggest you have simply not drank enough of the right stuff. I know people shouldnt drink that much but peope shouldnt vote FF either but its not an ideal world. It's not an excuse for the OP's actions, it's an explanation.
So taking the fact that we all accept he loves his wife and family and won't let it happen what shoulld he do?

Moving on from that I think there are two possible options open to him.
One is tell her.
Outcome, they stay together but she will never forgive or trust him again impacting negatively on their life together. Or she leaves him and all their lives are shattered, inc the kids.

Two is don't tell her.
Outcome, they move on and OP has to deal with the guilt of what he did. He dedicates himself to be the best father/husband he can be and never puts himself in that position again. (If he does he doesnt deserve his family). His wife enjoys a happy family and for her, and not being callous about it, ignorance will be bliss.

Being objective here the best option with the best outcome is the second as far as I can see. I know some of you will say being lied to is unforgiveable, but surely it is if a great family life can be had by all concerned, and even if she is an amazingly forgiving person i think it has to forever taint the relationship. This is not about assuaging the OPs guilt, its about whats best for all concerned.

OP you seem like a decent guy who did a stupid thing. Despite what some on here are saying you're not evil, you're not Hitller, you were an idiot.
Dont tell her,move on. Any time you feel the negative energy of guilt dont, transform it into something positive for you family.
Learn the lesson and dont do it again.

Alcohol can be a f**ker

Alcohol can be a f**ker wrote: »

Moving on from that I think there are two possible options open to him.
One is tell her.
Outcome, they stay together but she will never forgive or trust him again impacting negatively on their life together. Or she leaves him and all their lives are shattered, inc the kids.

Or she forgives him as he suggested she might.
And don't play the "kids" move, the mother is probably in a better position to decide what is best for the children than the man who cheated and is now lying about it.

Two is don't tell her.
Outcome, they move on and OP has to deal with the guilt of what he did. He dedicates himself to be the best father/husband he can be and never puts himself in that position again. (If he does he doesnt deserve his family). His wife enjoys a happy family and for her, and not being callous about it, ignorance will be bliss.

And the rest of his life, the relationship with her will be centred on a lie. And it will be centred, because if he does have the remorse he claims, it will always be there. A big lie between them.

Being objective here the best option with the best outcome is the second as far as I can see.

Well, I absolutely disagree.

I know some of you will say being lied to is unforgiveable, but surely it is if a great family life can be had by all concerned

I think it's up to her, not him

booboo88

liah wrote: »

You already cheated on her, OP. Do you really want the fact that you're lying about it sitting on your conscience, too?
r.

liah wrote: »

Given the circumstances and assuming she's a reasonable woman? Yes. She's married to him and has his kids, imo if what he says happened is all that happened and it really was only a once off and the rest of the points I listed, I think it's entirely possible the cons of ending the relationship would outweigh the pros.

Depends on how strong and mature their relationship is. Still, I think he owes her that much at least.

Was you mean, he drunk enough to the point to go to a hotel and fool around, he knew what he was doing,
tell your wife op, its not fair on her for you to decieve her.
Once a cheater always a cheater

Smashhits

I've been reading this thread and the one thing that stands out is that nobody questioned whether or not your wife may already know something is amiss? If you've been together for nearly 20 years I assume you both know each other very well. She will have an indication that something is wrong but is probably waiting for you to tell her. I say this because I was on the receiving end of a similar issue. I knew there was something wrong because my OH had been acting strangely. Give your wife the credit and respect she deserves. This is going to eat away at you until you come clean. She deserves the right to make her own decisions.

midlandsmissus

hi OP!

I have alot of sympathy for you, because I know the absolute hardest thing in this world is to forgive yourself for something that you can't change.

No matter forgiving others, forgiving yourself is the hardest thing any of us have to do.

We can all do stuff in a moment of madness.

I've done something that I beat myself up about for ages. It's awful knowing you are a "bad" person. It's your own head that will whip you and torture you far more than anyone else's scorn ever can.

I never went to a counsellor, but my mam told me that my aunty did once, and the counsellor got her to write out a list of things that she was beating herself up over and to FORGIVE HERSELF for them.

You are not a bad person, we all make mistakes. It is good that you feel remorse. Forgive yourself. If you think you should tell you wife, do.

LegacyUser

Thanks everybody for your advice.

I really dont know what else to say except I havent said anything and its been 2 weeks. As I said already if she finds out, she finds out. I have confided in 2 very very close friends and they have both told me to say nothing. One friend reminded me of all the times I had the opportunities in the past for this to happen and I would always say no. I just have to live with the guilt.

For those people who say that you cant blame the drink, well I'm glad you think that but I disagree, you've obviously never drank as much as I did that night. I'm generally regarded as the most sensible person by my group of friends, you might even say I'm a little boring. Even the most straight person can falter once.

I know getting the hotel room looks bad but all I can say is I had no regrets when I was doing it at the time, I was totally careless and stupid.

I'm not sure if my wife suspects anything, we have had a really busy January and she might not have had a chance to think of it, she hasnt said anymore about me coming in after 6 which was totally out of character for me.

Take care.

CK2010

IMO you cant be 100% sorry unless step up and deal with the consequences of what you've done. without doing this you arent truely dealing with what you've done, you're sweeping the hard bit under the carpet in the hope that it never comes to that.

your wife deserves to know what you did to her. she deserves to make her own decision on whether she wants to be with someone who cheats on her, and not have that choice taken away from her by you keeping this from her.

also, now you're lying on top of cheating. believe me, whats worse than being cheated on is being lied to about it. oh and the fact your friend knows- she will feel humiliated that he knew before she did. that you discussed this woman with him and discussed the issue of lying to her with this guy behind her back. if she was to find out about this years down the line she will hate you so much for bringing another person (you, the girl you were with, and now your friend) into the lie. the lie becomes worse than the original act. im speaking from experience the longer you lie the worse it'll be when the truth comes out.

feeling guilty is all well and good but until you actually face up to what you've done then IMHO i dont think you're genuinely entirely sorry.

you did this to her. you should tell her. you should let her decide what she wants to do. if you didnt want to lose her you shouldnt have cheated. simple as. she didnt ask for it, the least you can do is be honbest with her about it

oh and its all well and good forgiving yourself but you're part of a FAMILY, you should give your family a chance to forgive, not just decide you're forgiven and leave it at that. you dont need your own forgiveness you need your wife and familys. they're the ones you hurt and betrayed to get your few minutes of fun with some girl who doesnt love you or need you half as much as your family.

your kids deserve parents who are open and honest and not living a life were lies are swept under the carpet to make life easier. if your wife decides to leave you well then thats her decision. taking away that decision from her is selfish, if she doesnt want to be with a cheater then she shouldnt have to stay with one just because hes lying to her about it.

thats just my opinion- cheating, to me, is one of the worst things a partner can do. lying about it afterwards is the worst though.

Wurly

CK2010 wrote: »

.

also, now you're lying on top of cheating. believe me, whats worse than being cheated on is being lied to about it. oh and the fact your friend knows- she will feel humiliated that he knew before she did. that you discussed this woman with him and discussed the issue of lying to her with this guy behind her back. if she was to find out about this years down the line she will hate you so much for bringing another person (you, the girl you were with, and now your friend) into the lie. the lie becomes worse than the original act. im speaking from experience the longer you lie the worse it'll be when the truth comes out.

thats just my opinion- cheating, to me, is one of the worst things a partner can do. lying about it afterwards is the worst though.

I agree. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, it was the lying that was the worst part. And having other people knowing. It's demeaning when other people know and you're sitting there like an eejit talking away, not having a clue. Don't do that to someone you love. It's an absolutely horrible thing to do. To be honest, I would have more respect for someone who came to me and said 'I f*cked up, i'm so sorry and i'll do whatever I can to make this better'. If you continue to lie and it comes out, it comes across like you were taking her for a fool and were hedging your bets. Your relationship will suffer more devastation by lying in my opinion.

CK2010

Trí wrote: »

I agree. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, it was the lying that was the worst part. And having other people knowing. It's demeaning when other people know and you're sitting there like an eejit talking away, not having a clue. Don't do that to someone you love. It's an absolutely horrible thing to do. To be honest, I would have more respect for someone who came to me and said 'I f*cked up, i'm so sorry and i'll do whatever I can to make this better'. If you continue to lie and it comes out, it comes across like you were taking her for a fool and were hedging your bets. Your relationship will suffer more devastation by lying in my opinion.

EXACTLY!!
obviously its something i feel strongly about! :rolleyes::D

Novella

Trí wrote: »

I agree. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, it was the lying that was the worst part. And having other people knowing. It's demeaning when other people know and you're sitting there like an eejit talking away, not having a clue. Don't do that to someone you love. It's an absolutely horrible thing to do. To be honest, I would have more respect for someone who came to me and said 'I f*cked up, i'm so sorry and i'll do whatever I can to make this better'. If you continue to lie and it comes out, it comes across like you were taking her for a fool and were hedging your bets. Your relationship will suffer more devastation by lying in my opinion.

Could not agree more. Whatever about cheating, deceiving someone you supposedly love is possibly the lowest of the low. Have been in that kinda situation myself and I got passed the betrayal but my god, if I'd been lied to and only found out down the line, that'd be something I would never have forgiven.

I think the fact you are gonna hide it, OP, shows a complete lack of remorse. You can say you didn't mean it all day long but you're clearly not bothered enough about it to show respect to your wife and to deal with the consequences.

borderline girl

its a bad situation to be in and i think u do feel guilty, but you really need to assess your situation with your wife, be honest with yourself, are you happy in your marriage, do you want to stay with your wife or be single. marriage is hard work and there is a lot of temptation out there. i am not judging anyone here, i know some believe what she does not know wont hurt her, but then its easier to do it again. if u want your marriage to work, it may be a good idea to talk to her and get some counselling, if you both feel you need it. good luck. we all make mistakes, but this can wreck lives, speaking from experience unfortunately!

LegacyUser

Suchafool wrote: »

Thanks everybody for your advice.

I really dont know what else to say except I havent said anything and its been 2 weeks. As I said already if she finds out, she finds out. I have confided in 2 very very close friends and they have both told me to say nothing. One friend reminded me of all the times I had the opportunities in the past for this to happen and I would always say no. I just have to live with the guilt.

For those people who say that you cant blame the drink, well I'm glad you think that but I disagree, you've obviously never drank as much as I did that night. I'm generally regarded as the most sensible person by my group of friends, you might even say I'm a little boring. Even the most straight person can falter once.

I know getting the hotel room looks bad but all I can say is I had no regrets when I was doing it at the time, I was totally careless and stupid.

I'm not sure if my wife suspects anything, we have had a really busy January and she might not have had a chance to think of it, she hasnt said anymore about me coming in after 6 which was totally out of character for me.

Take care.

Ok i have read this entire thread and listened to the advice given and your replies.

I think people here are trying to say is that you choose to drink to that level and that you choose act in that way.

As a recovering Alcoholic who has done similar/worse things, the only thing that let me recover was admitting that I choose to drink those drinks and that I choose to get into a state and that I could choose not to have those drinks and choose not to get into a state.

I am not saying you are a Alcoholic, but what I am saying is that if you truly are sorry, you have to admit that this happened because you choose to let it happen.

What happened that night was a mistake and I believe you when I say that, I will also believe you when are sorry for the next thing you do "because the drink got the better of you".

Wise up and admit you have things you need to sort with yourself (you just cheated on your wife, thats enough), I did and I am better for it.


Ps. Just a heads up, women talk (like us men) so even if wife doesn't hear about it from you, that does not mean it will be heard about.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=Two is don't tell her.
Outcome, they move on and OP has to deal with the guilt of what he did. He dedicates himself to be the best father/husband he can be and never puts himself in that position again. (If he does he doesnt deserve his family). His wife enjoys a happy family and for her, and not being callous about it, ignorance will be bliss.[/QUOTE]

not neccessarily. His wife presumably knows her husband well enough to see that he is behaving unusually in hiding his guilt. She will know something is amiss.

As an aside I think the fact that the OP has told his friend about what he did rather than his wife is disrespectful to her. If she ever finds out about what happened it will be insult to injury to know that she was in a manner of speaking the last to know.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Novella wrote: »

Could not agree more. Whatever about cheating, deceiving someone you supposedly love is possibly the lowest of the low. Have been in that kinda situation myself and I got passed the betrayal but my god, if I'd been lied to and only found out down the line, that'd be something I would never have forgiven.

Eh bit late for that now isn't it. If he tells her now he's done all those things as well as cheated.

I think the fact you are gonna hide it, OP, shows a complete lack of remorse. You can say you didn't mean it all day long but you're clearly not bothered enough about it to show respect to your wife and to deal with the consequences.

No it shows he doesn't want to split his family up.