Rape of a loved one.

LegacyUser

Somebody I know, and love very deeply admitted something to me last night that I have long suspected.

This person works in the Dublin bar and restaurant trade. As such this person knows a lot of other people working in this trade and sometimes stay late in certain bars drinking.

Almost a year ago, this person was drinking downstairs below one of these bars after hours and got very drunk. IE, not able to stand drunk, couldn't see, slurring words etc.

One of the bouncers of this establishment, also drinking, offered to take this person upstairs to the hotel above the bar. Another bouncer followed them up.

It was then they forced themselves sexually on this person.

My issue now is that this person barely admitted to me what happened even though I have long suspected it due to what they say and this person says. (These bouncers are known to us) but refuses to tell anyone else or even acknowledge out loud what happened. The person told me because they never said "no" it wasn't rape. As we argued they even blamed themselves at one stage.

I am pretty close to devastated and have no idea what to do. I know if I told this person's family they would be heart broken and crushed for ever and there's a good chance the person's siblings may actually kill the bouncers involved.

I have emailed the rape crisis centre but I'm not sure they will do anything if this person isn't willing to come forward.

Emme

Sorry to hear what happened to this person. There's not much you can do except advise them to go to the Rape Crisis Centre and talk about what happened. Even if they don't press charges against those concerned the RCC can arrange counselling. They are probably the best people to give helpful, non-judgemental advise. What those bouncers did was so wrong.

It doesn't matter if the rape happened a while ago. 9 months is a relatively short time in terms of rape trauma. It's best to get help now otherwise the person could be adversely affected by the event for years after.

P. Breathnach

She told you in confidence. In fact, you put it that she "admitted" it, which makes me wonder if you were badgering her. You have no right to share that information with anybody else, and you would be very wrong to do so.

Rape is a terrible experience, and can be devastating for a victim. How victims deal with it (or fail to deal with it) varies greatly. As a general rule, however, it is not helpful if somebody else comes in as some sort of case manager.

I can understand your feeling great anger on her behalf. But if you believe that she is suffering a serious negative reaction, the best thing you can do for her is to show emotional support rather than taking apparently-practical action, and perhaps encourage her to seek the help of a body like the rape crisis centre (they won't take up her case because you contacted them; they would need her to ask).

LegacyUser

I wasn't badgering the person, it was something they wanted to get off their chest for a long time. Especially considering our friends still want to go to this bar quite often and the bouncers are still there acting as if nothing happened. It disgusts me that people like that are allowed to walk around carefree.

I do however understand what you say about telling anyone, it's not my place. I am just trying to be as supportive as possible. Having talked to her all morning she is considering going to the crisis centre to talk to someone and if she does I'll feel a lot better as then some one who knows what they're doing will be talking to her as opposed to angry me.

P. Breathnach

Guest111999 wrote: »

I wasn't badgering the person, it was something they wanted to get off their chest for a long time.

This may the start of a healing process for her. It is important that you get things right, which means that you will have to be very careful about the anger that you feel on her behalf. She doesn't need to have to deal with that, but it's okay, even good, for her to know that you care enough to feel that anger.

Especially considering our friends still want to go to this bar quite often and the bouncers are still there acting as if nothing happened. It disgusts me that people like that are allowed to walk around carefree.

I take it you know their identities. That's very difficult for you (mind you, not nearly as difficult as it is for her). I hope that your circle of friends can be steered away from that bar when you and she are in the company.

I do however understand what you say about telling anyone, it's not my place. I am just trying to be as supportive as possible. Having talked to her all morning she is considering going to the crisis centre to talk to someone and if she does I'll feel a lot better as then some one who knows what they're doing will be talking to her as opposed to angry me.

You say you talked to her all morning. I might be over-cautious in saying this: the better emphasis would be on listening to her.

I really hope that she follows through on going to the rape crisis centre. Try to encourage that, while not pushing her too forcefully.

Morag

It's a hard place to be in, you can't make them talk about it if they are not ready.
Some people will go a very long time never mentioning it and then will do so
to people they trust and even then not get help.

What you can do it get help for yourself.
You have a lot of mixed emotions and strong feelings about this, the rape crises centres also provide help for friends/family/partners of those who have been raped.
Go talk to someone about it and how it is effecting you so you lash out at the person who was raped with your frustrations.

Learn how to deal with what you have been told and learn how, when the time is right
to nudge them to go for help.

OP - The only advice I will give you I think is to find the right moment to thank the girl in question. You know her better than any of us so I will not presume to advise you on how to pick that moment. But basically if the subject of the rape ever comes up again say thank you to her. When she asks why simply tell her that her choosing to open up to you and tell you about it is - to you - an amazing expression of trust and love on her part and you feel very lucky that she choose you for it and that you hope she can always feel that way about being open with you in the future. Make it clear that you do not feel her telling you this and you listening was you doing her a favor... being there to dump on or whatever... but in fact you feel like she did something for you by letting you be the one she felt that safe and loved with to be capable of being that open.

It sounds like she is not ready to seek help or justice or any of those other things. But she has moved to a point where she could talk to you about it which is progress. Do not push her or rush her in this. Just do the above - thank her and tell her why - and let her see that she can always talk to you. Shes on a journey to recovery here and the best thing you can do is simply send the message that you are on that journey with her - and that you are available to her for anything she might need you for. The rest then is up to her until such time as she asks you for some kind of help, advice or anything else.

Feel free at any time to update us on this journey as new things develop and we will of course be quick to respond with any further advice or ideas or suggestions we think relevant to the new information.

snafuk35

P. Breathnach wrote: »

She told you in confidence. In fact, you put it that she "admitted" it, which makes me wonder if you were badgering her. You have no right to share that information with anybody else, and you would be very wrong to do so.

Rape is a terrible experience, and can be devastating for a victim. How victims deal with it (or fail to deal with it) varies greatly. As a general rule, however, it is not helpful if somebody else comes in as some sort of case manager.

I can understand your feeling great anger on her behalf. But if you believe that she is suffering a serious negative reaction, the best thing you can do for her is to show emotional support rather than taking apparently-practical action, and perhaps encourage her to seek the help of a body like the rape crisis centre (they won't take up her case because you contacted them; they would need her to ask).

This is bigger than the feelings of just the rape victim.
Society is in danger.
These guys are dangerous.
Other people and not just the rape victim are in danger.
Who knows how many other people they have raped.
Who knows if they will kill someone?
They need to be taken out of circulation and banged up behind bars.

meganj

snafuk35 wrote: »

P. Breathnach wrote: »

She told you in confidence. In fact, you put it that she "admitted" it, which makes me wonder if you were badgering her. You have no right to share that information with anybody else, and you would be very wrong to do so.

Rape is a terrible experience, and can be devastating for a victim. How victims deal with it (or fail to deal with it) varies greatly. As a general rule, however, it is not helpful if somebody else comes in as some sort of case manager.

I can understand your feeling great anger on her behalf. But if you believe that she is suffering a serious negative reaction, the best thing you can do for her is to show emotional support rather than taking apparently-practical action, and perhaps encourage her to seek the help of a body like the rape crisis centre (they won't take up her case because you contacted them; they would need her to ask).

This is bigger than the feelings of just the rape victim.
Society is in danger.
These guys are dangerous.
Other people and not just the rape victim are in danger.
Who knows how many other people they have raped.
Who knows if they will kill someone?
They need to be taken out of circulation and banged up behind bars.

i understand your feelings on this but that's not the victims responsibility she has enough to deal with without someone judging her for not going to the cops.

OP it's understandable that you feel helpless or angry but the most important thing you cando is support your friend and maybe gently encourage her to talk to a professional.

I would also say that if she does not want to seek help, professionally, it might be worth you seeking help for yourself. Dealing with something like this even if your not the victim can be very emotionally stressful.

For what it's worth it's great she trusted you enough to confide in you all you can do now is support and listen to her.

*Mods feel free to edit this trying to edit quotes in quotes is impossible on mobile*

snafuk35

meganj wrote: »

i understand your feelings on this but that's not the victims responsibility she has enough to deal with without someone judging her for not going to the cops.

That's a bunch of crap.
This isn't about her any more. These guys are bouncers with a position of trust and if they have done it to her they probably have done it to other women and will do it to other women. How bad would she feel if another woman came forward years later and it turned out these guys continued doing this for years and years and killed some women too? She has a moral responsibility to go the Gardaí and get these rapists nailed to the wall.
What happens if these guys rape and kill a woman tonight?

Maple

snafuk, I appreciate that this is an emotive topic but badgering the OP to report the rape is not what this forum is for. You're dragging the thread off topic.

Maple ]

Ellsbells

Could you ring the Garda confidential line and let them know what happened but not give the girls name. If these guys are so dangerous it may be no harm to have their names noted by the guards in case they do it again.

Merkin

The poor girl. OP I think it's been covered but it is not up to you to report this incident, anonymously or not. While it's a sad state fo affairs, the report of a rape and the subsequent court case (if it ever even goes to trial) is often just as harrowing, if not more, than the rape itself. Your friend has done a brave thing by admitting this to you but it's not your place to take action or pursue this further. The only thing you can do is be there for your friend and encourage her if at all possible to attend counselling. It's a good sign that she has told you insofar as she may be ready to talk about things and look for help but it's a long and slow process and all you can do is be there for her, let her weep, encourage her to talk and to get angry and show her your support. It's also imperative that you don't betray her confidence by telling anyone else.