Oh oh. Trouble

weldoninhio

carraig2 wrote: »

Great idea. Will do that. I spent between 50 and 80 a week. Some weeks less, never more than that but I could lose more. Like I could lose my winnings which could amount to more

Over E2500 a year on gambling, and then having so little money for Xmas that you hit the money lenders. You need to log off here and get proper help. If you can't see that this is a problem then you need a professional to show you.

Wibbs

Let's say you're right?

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Bah! Your ****ed now.

If so he led himself willingly.

She has your balls in a vice grips from here on in.

He provided both the vice and his balls and it's not as if she's turning the handle much on his reports.

You wont be allowed to do nothing no more for fear of her walking out.

So you're saying he'll be allowed do anything? I'm confussed...

And she knows that.

What does she know? That it would be a better bet for her to leave if he went on to gamble more and more? Thats not controlling that's being sensible. What would be controlling is if she stayed, let him gamble a bit and held it over him. Leaving kinda screws that plan.

No matter how much i love her, I'd be flinging my missus out the door if she started that controlling ****e.

So being called on a serious issue for a loved one that impacts them and impacts the relationship is controlling shíte now? Must update my How To Manipulate Folks For Fun And Profit(tm)(c) phone app accordingly. Always good to hear bug reports.

TL;DR? Wouldya go way outa that for feck's sake.

Pedro K

Pedro K wrote: »

Not that it's any justification, but at least with alcohol, generally there's only so much you can have before your body just won't let you take any more.

Not to mention that people will notice drinking more, with gambling it can often be hidden until it's too late.
As for what you were saying about how bookies handles accounts, my online gambling account probably shows about a 20% loss for the last few years. Luckily for me most of that is bets I put on for someone else. If it was just my bets then I would've been shut out ages ago. I've put in maybe 500 for myself and taken out over a thousand. In fact 2 of my last 3 wins were a few hundred euros I won from a free bet because I hadn't put money in in a while. I got no free bets since the last win.

LoocyLoo

carraig2 wrote: »

Do I need to do that though[get myself barred from bookies]. Surely doing this for her should be motivation enough. Or have i more of a problem ahead than I realise?

I don't normally post, but I have been reading this thread. And I have two things to say - even the fact that you question this is a red flag it seems to me.

Think of something you've zero interest in. Pot-holing, say. And for some good reason you have to get yourself barred from pot-holing clubs and events. How much stress would that cost you? None, right? You'd do it without a thought.

But making sure you can't go to a bookies is, it seems, causing you stress. You don't want to do it. And that's your sign right there.

Also, can I say that, as a woman, if I had a serious issue with my man about something like this, and he came home with flowers and a booking for a fancy meal, I would go THROUGH him for a short cut. I would be BEYOND furious that he would patronise me and plaumus me in that way, that he thought flowers and a date would distract me from something really serious.

For sure, as part of the bigger issue that she feels unimportant to you, then flowers and meals. But not as a way of resolving the gambling thing.

The best of luck with it Carrig.

ShamoBuc

Have just read through the thread - it has it all - very informative, hilarious at times, serious at other times, twists and turns on every page but in the end, I think it will work out well for you carraig2 and I wish you all the best on getting back on an even keel with herself and giving up the gambling - fair play fella.

carraig2

Hi all, reporting in today. As part of my intention to pay more attention to my girl i didn't go near my computer (hence not on Boards) at all last night. We instead talked and looked at some of a box set she got for Xmas. Nice easy night and no tension. I still feel like I was hit by a train. Tired and finding it hard to concentrate properly at work. Today worse than yesterday even.

I just wanted to answer some of the comments left since yesterday and before people say I am making excuses I am not. No excuses, no justification, just fact.

I didn't spend anything like 2500 on gambling. I put the odd bet on over the last few years but I am really only gambling on line 6-7 months. At first it was 20-30 a week and to be honest I won at the start, won a lot more than I lost. That's why I kept doing it. Then when I started losing I always thought I would get back to winning. And I did win on and off. It became a problem gradually over time up to the point where I was lately spending 50 and over a week.

Loocyloo not going into a bookie office would cause me absolutely no problem. Online is my problem. My point in that post is that I should be motivated enough to stop hurting my woman to stop gambling without having to exclude myself. But I take the advice of those who know more and I will self exclude. Also thanks for the female perspective on the flowers and meal. I reckon you know what you are talking about.

But most of all 0ph0rce0 you have no idea what you are talking about. My gf did not give out about the gambling, she gave out about the lying about it, the broken promise and the need for secrecy being an issue. She asked for more attention to us as a couple, not her as a person. She talked about my kids financial future and my need to provide for them. She asked for them more than herself.The last thing she was being was controlling. I think,sir, you are talking through your 0rce0.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

just so you know, arse isn't filtered

maguic24

carraig2 wrote: »

Hi all, reporting in today. As part of my intention to pay more attention to my girl i didn't go near my computer (hence not on Boards) at all last night. We instead talked and looked at some of a box set she got for Xmas. Nice easy night and no tension. I still feel like I was hit by a train. Tired and finding it hard to concentrate properly at work. Today worse than yesterday even.

I just wanted to answer some of the comments left since yesterday and before people say I am making excuses I am not. No excuses, no justification, just fact.

I didn't spend anything like 2500 on gambling. I put the odd bet on over the last few years but I am really only gambling on line 6-7 months. At first it was 20-30 a week and to be honest I won at the start, won a lot more than I lost. That's why I kept doing it. Then when I started losing I always thought I would get back to winning. And I did win on and off. It became a problem gradually over time up to the point where I was lately spending 50 and over a week.

Loocyloo not going into a bookie office would cause me absolutely no problem. Online is my problem. My point in that post is that I should be motivated enough to stop hurting my woman to stop gambling without having to exclude myself. But I take the advice of those who know more and I will self exclude. Also thanks for the female perspective on the flowers and meal. I reckon you know what you are talking about.

But most of all 0ph0rce0 you have no idea what you are talking about. My gf did not give out about the gambling, she gave out about the lying about it, the broken promise and the need for secrecy being an issue. She asked for more attention to us as a couple, not her as a person. She talked about my kids financial future and my need to provide for them. She asked for them more than herself.The last thing she was being was controlling. I think,sir, you are talking through your 0rce0.

I would be more broken up about the secrecy and the lying as well. I actually had a fight with my bf recently enough about something he hadn't told me and then I had to explain that I was angry over him keeping it a secret not over the actual subject matter. Does that make sense? Like if he said it up front it would have been fine. Now I think he thinks I have an issue with what it was but I don't, it was just about keeping it a secret and lying to me! I have been tearing my hair out trying to explain to him that it's not an issue, the issue was that he had kept it a secret and then lied to me.

Ugh, MEN!! >.< Do not wait for your gf to catch you out on a lie, EVER! It will end badly! B*tches hate lies!

Wibbs

carraig2 wrote: »

I didn't spend anything like 2500 on gambling. I put the odd bet on over the last few years but I am really only gambling on line 6-7 months. At first it was 20-30 a week and to be honest I won at the start, won a lot more than I lost. That's why I kept doing it. Then when I started losing I always thought I would get back to winning. And I did win on and off. It became a problem gradually over time up to the point where I was lately spending 50 and over a week.

Just thinking more on this... It's not the money aspect as such in your case. When you think about it you were until recently spending less on your addiction/compulsion/hobby[delete as applicable] than a 20 a day ciggie smoker and you never win with those yokes. So for me the money aspect is by far the lesser. It's the cost of the mistrust with herself that's the biggie.

Glad to hear it's beginning to turn around for you, or at least you're certainly seeing what's what. Kudos.

ectoraige

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar wrote: »

just so you know, arse isn't filtered

If it's good enough for Father Jack, it's good enough for boards.

Wibbs

maguic24 wrote: »

Ugh, MEN!! >.< Do not wait for your gf to catch you out on a lie, EVER! It will end badly! B*tches hate lies!

So do men BTW. Though they're generally less adept at spotting lies, or attempts to find out if there are lies afoot.

carraig2

maguic24 wrote: »

I would be more broken up about the secrecy and the lying as well. I actually had a fight with my bf recently enough about something he hadn't told me and then I had to explain that I was angry over him keeping it a secret not over the actual subject matter. Does that make sense? Like if he said it up front it would have been fine. Now I think he thinks I have an issue with what it was but I don't, it was just about keeping it a secret and lying to me! I have been tearing my hair out trying to explain to him that it's not an issue, the issue was that he had kept it a secret and then lied to me.

Ugh, MEN!! >.< Do not wait for your gf to catch you out on a lie, EVER! It will end badly! B*tches hate lies!

Yeah I get it. To be honest I didn't get it the first few times a woman said that to me (including my wife, girlfriends, my mother, teachers) I was a slow learner:) but actually I do see the lying is the issue with her rather than the actual gambling itself.

eamonnq

maguic24 wrote: »

Ugh, MEN!! >.< Do not wait for your gf to catch you out on a lie, EVER! It will end badly! B*tches hate lies!

Referring to them as B*tches, probably doesn't go down too well either.

irish_goat

carraig2 wrote: »

We instead talked and looked at some of a box set she got for Xmas.

You should try actually putting it in the DVD player tonight.

fibix

eamonnq wrote: »

Referring to them as B*tches, probably doesn't go down too well either.

It was a girl's quote, it's allowed between us. SOMETIMES

maguic24

eamonnq wrote: »

Referring to them as B*tches, probably doesn't go down too well either.

No it doesn't, I'm a woman. I think I have been reading too many 'Welcome to the Internet' memes. :P

Renegade Mechanic

fibix wrote: »

It was a girl's quote, it's allowed between us. SOMETIMES

Ohhh like black guys and...... yeah...

carraig2

Wibbs wrote: »

Just thinking more on this... It's not the money aspect as such in your case. When you think about it you were until recently spending less on your addiction/compulsion/hobby[delete as applicable] than a 20 a day ciggie smoker and you never win with those yokes. So for me the money aspect is by far the lesser. It's the cost of the mistrust with herself that's the biggie.

Glad to hear it's beginning to turn around for you, or at least you're certainly seeing what's what. Kudos.

I had a chat with a mate about this too. He was saying that it isn't really about the amount of money either, it's about the effect of it. So he said if I blow 3000 in one bet it would not be as bad as spending a few hundred over six months. It's the need to be online betting every day and needing that rush in my life is the issue.

Also like other people said going to a moneylender is a sign

zarquon

carraig2 wrote: »

Great idea. Will do that. I spent between 50 and 80 a week. Some weeks less, never more than that but I could lose more. Like I could lose my winnings which could amount to more

I couldn't help but remember that you said your OH went for fags. How much does she smoke per week? It would be interesting to know how much she spends on fags. If she spends anywhere near the same amount you waste at the bookies then she is a hypocrit! How is it okay to waste about 50 quid a week on fags but horrendous to spend the same 50 euro on gambling?

fibix

Renegade Mechanic wrote: »

Ohhh like black guys and...... yeah...

Just like that

Maximus Alexander

zarquon wrote: »

I couldn't help but remember that you said your OH went for fags. How much does she smoke per week? It would be interesting to know how much she spends on fags. If she spends anywhere near the same amount you waste at the bookies then she is a hypocrit! How is it okay to waste about 50 quid a week on fags but horrendous to spend the same 50 euro on gambling?

She's obviously not lying about the fags. And the issue here was the lies.

Also, I'm sure the OP will clarify, but she could be an occasional smoker who wanted some ciggies due to the stressful situation.

carraig2

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

She's obviously not lying about the fags. And the issue here was the lies.

Exactly
And she was not going to a moneylender to feed her habit.
Or pretending to have brought work home while all the while just wanting to spend time with her fags. (he he he, that looks funny)

zarquon

carraig2 wrote: »

Exactly
And she was not going to a moneylender to feed her habit.
Or pretending to have brought work home while all the while just wanting to spend time with her fags. (he he he, that looks funny)

If you were really going to those lenghts then you do have a problem. Have you excluded yourselfs from your online bookies? Banning yourself from the gambling forums here only stops you posting not reading! You really need to exclude yourself from your bookies accounts. If you will not or cannot do this then you do have a serious problem and you will do the same to your OH again at some point

burnhardlanger

Our mother put the frighteners on us early on.
Told us the story of a local who blew £12,000 on a sure thing nag in the late 80's.
Well turns out the sure thing wasn't.

An urban legend (probably) but it's impact was enormous.
I've never gambled because of it.

Arbiter of Good Taste

Even if she is smoking 2, 3 packs a day who cares (ignoring the antisocial and health aspects )

Assuming she works, it's her money and she can spend it as she likes. The OP has children and as a result financial obligations. As a result of gambling he has had to go to moneylenders. He is lying. And from what he is saying it really seems to have only taken off. Unless he stops it's bound to get worse.

Don't get me wrong I can't abide cigarettes but there is no correlation between the OPs situation and his partner being a smoker. So no, she is not a hypocrite.

And even if she was, the OP has showed amazing maturity and should be commended. The argument that she's not perfect so he can do what he wants is juvenile and frankly no help whatsoever.

zarquon

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Even if she is smoking 2, 3 packs a day who cares (ignoring the antisocial and health aspects )

Assuming she works, it's her money and she can spend it as she likes. The OP has children and as a result financial obligations. As a result of gambling he has had to go to moneylenders. He is lying. And from what he is saying it really seems to have only taken off. Unless he stops it's bound to get worse.

Don't get me wrong I can't abide cigarettes but there is no correlation between the OPs situation and his partner being a smoker. So no, she is not a hypocrite.

And even if she was, the OP has showed amazing maturity and should be commended. The argument that she's not perfect so he can do what he wants is juvenile and frankly no help whatsoever.

I agree, i was just concerned that the argument from her was also about the amount he was spending. If the money being spent is not a concern to her in this debate then your points are valid.

There are some interesting dynamics at play though. Some people have no issue spending 50 to 100 quid a week on booze and would not call that a problem (i would strongly dissagree). These same people would then say someone with the same gambling spend has a problem (which is true).

Anyone spending this level of money has an addition problem, be it gambling alcohol or smoking. They are all wasteful damaging addictions.

Of course if the OP is a heavy smoker and heavy drinker and has to go to money lenders because of cumulative spending on all 3 habits or a combination then there are greater issues at play.

carraig2

zarquon wrote: »

If you were really going to those lenghts then you do have a problem. Have you excluded yourselfs from your online bookies? Banning yourself from the gambling forums here only stops you posting not reading! You really need to exclude yourself from your bookies accounts. If you will not or cannot do this then you do have a serious problem and you will do the same to your OH again at some point

I have closed my bookie accounts and self excluded

zarquon

carraig2 wrote: »

I have closed my bookie accounts and self excluded

Glad to hear it. That's a real step to recovery. FYI, i used to be a chronic gambler too. Made 85K in my first year of gambling and then lost it all in my second year. It really didn't affect me too much as i have way more than enough disposable income to take a loss due to significant savings but there came a point when i had to enough was enough and that i wasn't willing to lose anymore so i went cold turkey for a while and now have no desire to gamble at all. To be honest the stress caused by gambling i do not miss. Now i have no stress, no gambling and still have the majority of my savings so i would not touch gambling again

carraig2

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Even if she is smoking 2, 3 packs a day who cares (ignoring the antisocial and health aspects )

Assuming she works, it's her money and she can spend it as she likes. The OP has children and as a result financial obligations. As a result of gambling he has had to go to moneylenders. He is lying. And from what he is saying it really seems to have only taken off. Unless he stops it's bound to get worse.

Don't get me wrong I can't abide cigarettes but there is no correlation between the OPs situation and his partner being a smoker. So no, she is not a hypocrite.

And even if she was, the OP has showed amazing maturity and should be commended. The argument that she's not perfect so he can do what he wants is juvenile and frankly no help whatsoever.

You are a great woman with the words. You said exactly what I was thinking only you put it so much better.

thegreatgonzo

Fair play to you OP for trying to face up to this. I had a relationship with a gambler a few years ago which didn't last. He owed money to various people from gambling but as he borrowed off his friends he didn't see it as such a bad thing, even though it ran into thousands. We'd have blazing rows on the street after nights out as he'd prefer go into a miserable casino for a few hours than come home with me. No way did he consider that he had a problem but he did admit that it was the only thing that gave him a thrill, he hated his job, moaned about his friends and most of the time I couldn't do anything right either. Eventually I gave up trying, I don't know what he's at now. If he had been willing to even meet me half way though I would have done anything to help him so I think it looks good for you that you are being open with your oh now and I wish you the best of luck:-)

carraig2

burnhardlanger wrote: »

Our mother put the frighteners on us early on.
Told us the story of a local who blew £12,000 on a sure thing nag in the late 80's.
Well turns out the sure thing wasn't.

An urban legend (probably) but it's impact was enormous.
I've never gambled because of it.

Mothers are great ones for the frighteners. My mother told me horror stories about children who told so many lies it started to break their teeth all the time flashing her false teeth at me. I believed every word. The first tooth I lost I cried all night and admitted to every shaggin thing I had done for two years previous that she didn't know about.

I was an awful gullible child:D

Maximus Alexander

Fair play to you carraig2, and indeed to her. It sounds like you might have been at the start of what could have turned into a long standing and potentially devastating addiction (given that you were already starting to lie about it and hide it), but between the two of you you've nipped it in the bud and now you can move on.

It might not have gotten that bad, but imagine where you could be in a year or two if you really got into it, took some losses and started chasing them? Fair play to her for making as stand and to you for listening to her and addressing it.

I wish you both the best.

Malarkey121

If your going to bet then bet selectively, I used to back every few days or the big tv races every weekend on horses, Now I wait to bet at the Cheltenham festival and have won 6 of the last 5 festivals to keep me going for the summer.

I save for a few months then lash them - win or lose, I will stop and wait for the next festival either Aintree or Galway depending on the profit / loss.
I may even wait and switch to the flat at York towards the end of the summer but the deciding point is March.
They are the best crop of NH horses and they all want to win that is the difference between this festival and a class 5 or a selling event on the all weather card.

If you can read the form and bet selectively then you will be fine, if you back everything and anything with silly lucky 15s, patents, Canadians, trixies etc you will never win long term.

If your betting bet to win, bet singles, or add a double in but only after doing 2 singles to win, also you can decide when to bet and what to bet on that's your biggest advantage.

If you are giving it up totally then best of "luck" but I suspect if you like having a few bets then the temptation of the big races will draw you in if it does try the above scenario out.

The first part confirms you don't need to bet your not betting every week, is getting back the control over it all.
You next part is save up a side kitty for a future event you have already selected then form a plan " level stakes to win" for example so all selections get ?? quid to win then sit back and enjoy controlled selective betting.

snowbabe

Well done carraig,your taking action very quickly,if your feeling ****e today at work pop out for a quick walk at lunch time even for 10 mins just to clear your head a bit I promise it will help you face the rest of the day.Maybe tonight do another quick walk as you also need a break from all the intense chats,when it comes to fully opening up about something like this its very emotional and then you have relief ,then extreme tiredness. Wish you both the best of luck and I'll keep my unrequited love to myself :)

stefan idiot jones

carraig2 wrote: »

while all the while just wanting to spend time with her fags.

I thought Dignity had closed down?

nelly17

I have had an idea, you could block gambling sites from your computer to reduce temptation using open DNS

Article here

Open the account with them....
Add the sites to block....
Then get your GF to change the password without your knowing it

carraig2

snowbabe wrote: »

Well done carraig,your taking action very quickly,if your feeling ****e today at work pop out for a quick walk at lunch time even for 10 mins just to clear your head a bit I promise it will help you face the rest of the day.Maybe tonight do another quick walk as you also need a break from all the intense chats,when it comes to fully opening up about something like this its very emotional and then you have relief ,then extreme tiredness. Wish you both the best of luck and I'll keep my unrequited love to myself :)

davgtrek

This thread is an amazing example of a forum making a good contribution to someones life. With the gambling twist it also drives home the fact that there are always two sides to every story ! Amazing to see it all play out. Well done Carrig2 on making some progress.

Arbiter of Good Taste

I think the OP has taught us all a lesson. So many people post up looking for advice and then go into a sulk when they don't hear what they want. It's tough to admit you're wrong. I'm not sure I would be able to. Good luck OP. Everybody is rooting for you.

Boscoirl

OP, you are an inspiration to everyone,

because of you, I have told my gf, that I'll marry a stripper in Vegas next week