24 year old son getting pocket money

Stheno

kristian12 wrote: »

I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.

I've done that as per another post. Didn't work

my teapot is orange wrote: »

This is difficult, because if she is being paid maintenance, I would expect her to be spending it on him, so that he doesn't need so much pocket money. But on the other hand at 24 she doesn't even have to let him stay in the house, and maybe her not spending money on him is her way of smartening him up. But that wouldn't explain her attitude to the younger guy. If he is still in higher education, she would still have obligations towards him.

I've no idea what goes on in that house apart from what seems to be a regular lack of food.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's irrelevant what you earn. You are not financially responsible for your partner's children. I know many parents still help out their adult children on occasion, if needed. (I know I'm very grateful for my parents!) But it shouldn't be on an ongoing basis. And if it is they have failed as parents to bring their children up to become normal functioning independent adults.

I agree with you and argue regularly with my OH that he is remiss in having a 24 year old who thinks it is good to get pocket money, he's as much a problem as his children.

I'm probably on a losing battle here, it's annoying me enough to consider leaving

Stheno

kristian12 wrote: »

Fair enough, and good on you for trying to help him.

Is it guilt that he wasn't around full time for his children when they were younger or is your o/h as laid back about everything.

Either way you shouldn't have to substitute his children.

Yes there is a big guilt element there, which in my opinion "protects" them from the real world and why they should enter it.

It's becoming a major issue for me with my OH, enough to end a fairly long relationship

Big Bag of Chips

Does he know it's now at crisis point for your relationship?

kristian12

Stheno wrote: »

Yes there is a big guilt element there, which in my opinion "protects" them from the real world and why they should enter it.

It's becoming a major issue for me with my OH, enough to end a fairly long relationship

If its at that stage I think you need to be blunt and say you can't stay in the relationship and give him money it needs to be one or the other. You are not asking him to choose between you or his children but saying you will not subsidise them any longer.

Stheno

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does he know it's now at crisis point for your relationship?

Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear

ZephyrSurfer

Stheno wrote: »

he's long hair

Don't be making that a point. Meanie

SparkySpitfire

kristian12 wrote: »

If its at that stage I think you need to be blunt and say you can't stay in the relationship and give him money it needs to be one or the other. You are not asking him to choose between you or his children but saying you will not subsidise them any longer.

Yeah you really have to make the point that it's "me and no subsidies or no me at all", if it even hints like it's sounding like a "me or your children" situation, you're going to lose.

Stheno

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Yeah you really have to make the point that it's "me and no subsidies or no me at all", if it even hints like it's sounding like a "me or your children" situation, you're going to lose.

That's tough as the reason for the loans are his parental obligations

SparkySpitfire

Stheno wrote: »

That's tough as the reason for the loans are his parental obligations

Obligations would be going a bit too far in this case...! He can still give his son money, but he has to know that he can do what he likes with his own money, if he can't afford it then he'll just have to give his son less.

I understand that he's feeling guilty, but even if the son was 12 and getting pocket money, and the dad couldn't afford to give him the usual rate, then they would both just have to be realistic and put up with a smaller amount.

It's called living within your means, most people do that!

This doesn't help you at all, just emphasise that it's not about what he's spending the money on, it's that he's constantly spending your money and not living within his own means. Keep your feelings towards his son separate because he'll start thinking that you're against them if he hasn't already.

Maybe you would just be happier moving on from this chap, his sons obviously mean a lot to him and you don't seem to like (at least one of them) very much.

Neyite

Stheno wrote: »

Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear

Then you have your answer I'm afraid. He knows its a deal breaker for you and doesnt care. I had a similar upbringing to you, always had part time jobs from early teens as well as being expected to help out significantly in the home, this kind of attitude both father and son must be hugely frustrating.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Stheno

Stheno wrote: »

Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear

Well to be honest, I can see exactly where he is coming from.
You give him an ultimatum, his kids or you, then I would expect him to choose his kids. If he didn't he wouldn't be much of a father.
To be fair to him, he seems like a good dad.

Your problem with his budgeting is just that, YOUR problem, with HIS budgeting.

Stop blaming his son for the problems in your relationship.

GarIT

bubblypop wrote: »

Well to be honest, I can see exactly where he is coming from.
You give him an ultimatum, his kids or you, then I would expect him to choose his kids. If he didn't he wouldn't be much of a father.
To be fair to him, he seems like a good dad.

Your problem with his budgeting is just that, YOUR problem, with HIS budgeting.

Stop blaming his son for the problems in your relationship.

I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.

SparkySpitfire

GarIT wrote: »

I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.

Yeah, which is why she's not wrong in wanting to stop giving him money but most parents will choose their kids over a SO

GarIT

GarIT wrote: »

I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.

If she doesn't want to lend him money then she shouldn't.
If lending him money is conditional to what he spends it on then she shouldn't.
Blaming his son is wrong.

GarIT

bubblypop wrote: »

If she doesn't want to lend him money then she shouldn't.
If lending him money is conditional to what he spends it on then she shouldn't.
Blaming his son is wrong.

The OPs problem is with her husband, the son is just the reason she has a problem with the husband so needed to be explained.

I doubt the OP would care what the son did as long as their household budget wasn't coming up short because of it.

Moonbeam

I can understand supporting your kids through college,no matter what age they are but at that age he should either be on back to education or have a part time job.

SparkySpitfire

GarIT wrote: »

The OPs problem is with her husband, the son is just the reason she has a problem with the husband so needed to be explained.

I doubt the OP would care what the son did as long as their household budget wasn't coming up short because of it.

Moonbeam wrote: »

I can understand supporting your kids through college,no matter what age they are but at that age he should either be on back to education or have a part time job.

Yup, totally agree.

She wouldn't have the problem in the first place if the fella didn't have a hand in raising a son to live like that though, and then to continue doing it to the detriment of their relationship. All the OP could do is let him know where the line was and that he's crossing it. It's up to him now to make the next move.

Really what I'm trying to say is, the son has barely anything to do with it, all of her problems stem from the fella, the son is just the more obvious problem in this situation. He raised him to have no work ethic and to rely on handouts and he's the one feeling guilty enough to keep going.

In my honest opinion, this sounds like too fundamental a point to "get over". I think the OP would have a much less stressful life without this guy, here she is handing over money and and time trying to help his kids when nothing is improving for her.

I don't think I could wait for him to make the next move, either let him be accepting with you not giving him any more subsidies or take yourself out of the equation.

Stheno

Stheno wrote: »

No, but I'm tempted to tbh, my partner knows I earn a lot more than him and generally have spare cash...

Your partner is a bum imo.




*Mod note*
Unhelpful posting is not tolerated here.

ella23

imo (seems to be your favourite phrase) the problem seems to be yours. I have had dealings with the likes of you through my nephew and his dad (his dad raised him, not his mom) The stepmom is doing her damn best to get him out of their lives. This kids is HIS child, not YOURS! It is of no relevance to you how he spends his money. If you don't want to give him a loan at the end of the month, don't. But don't dare nag him about how he spends his money every other week.
Why did you get with him in the first place. You knew he had responsibilities. You knew he had kids.
And rightly so that he chooses his kids over a horror like you! He does what most parents do, supports his kids until they are able to support themselves. This kid might currently be in a state of arrested development, but he will grow out of it. He will make something out of himself. But if people like you tell him that he is useless and he will never amount to anything, he will prove you right.
Get off your high horse a small bit. They aren't your children, so keep your opinion to yourself.

Oh my parents paid my way through college until i was 27. I have a PhD, run my own company now, earn six figures a year, they are both retired now I now i have made it my responsibility that they get through their retirement with zero money problems and in total comfort! But then again they never called me a loser, deadbeat, useless or a nobody! And imo I would not have been anywhere if it wasn't for them! Then again, thats just "my opinion!")

In case you were wondering, I do not come from a rich family. I was not spoiled. My parents expected me to make something of myself and urged me to go through the education system for as long as I needed to do so!

Ella23 I wish I could thank this post a thousand times!

Moonbeam

ella23 wrote: »

imo (seems to be your favourite phrase) the problem seems to be yours. I have had dealings with the likes of you through my nephew and his dad (his dad raised him, not his mom) The stepmom is doing her damn best to get him out of their lives. This kids is HIS child, not YOURS! It is of no relevance to you how he spends his money. If you don't want to give him a loan at the end of the month, don't. But don't dare nag him about how he spends his money every other week.
Why did you get with him in the first place. You knew he had responsibilities. You knew he had kids.
And rightly so that he chooses his kids over a horror like you! He does what most parents do, supports his kids until they are able to support themselves. This kid might currently be in a state of arrested development, but he will grow out of it. He will make something out of himself. But if people like you tell him that he is useless and he will never amount to anything, he will prove you right.
Get off your high horse a small bit. They aren't your children, so keep your opinion to yourself.

Oh my parents paid my way through college until i was 27. I have a PhD, run my own company now, earn six figures a year, they are both retired now I now i have made it my responsibility that they get through their retirement with zero money problems and in total comfort! But then again they never called me a loser, deadbeat, useless or a nobody! And imo I would not have been anywhere if it wasn't for them! Then again, thats just "my opinion!")

In case you were wondering, I do not come from a rich family. I was not spoiled. My parents expected me to make something of myself and urged me to go through the education system for as long as I needed to do so!

*mod note*
No personal attacks on other posters please.

ella23

Moonbeam wrote: »

*mod note*
No personal attacks on other posters please.

Apologies! it just boiled my blood! Sorry for the vent!

ella23

ella23 wrote: »

imo (seems to be your favourite phrase) the problem seems to be yours. I have had dealings with the likes of you through my nephew and his dad (his dad raised him, not his mom) The stepmom is doing her damn best to get him out of their lives...........

I think you went into rant mode prematurely.

The op in this thread imo is being taken advantage of by her other half. A chap who likes to be the big man lashing out €50s when he can't afford to.

Was your Dad like that?

It's not fair at all to say "I have had dealings with the likes of you", you actually come across like a right so and so yourself

Spanish Eyes

enablers are the death of innovation and independence in a young persons life.

Thank you.

Vojera

Does your partner not realise that he is doing his son absolutely no favours? As a parent, does he not want his son to take responsibility for his life, to take a bit of pride in himself and get motivated?

When I was in college I was living off the grant but my mum chipped in to help me when she could. To be honest I wasn't as careful with my money as I could have been and eventually came to expect the dig out when I ran out of money. So in my final year my mum cut me off and forced me to live within my means. Yes, it meant that in the weeks waiting for the grant cheque I sometimes had literally €5 to buy my weekly groceries, but it was absolutely the makings of me. My attitude has completely changed and I appreciate every penny I have and I've paid my mum back everything she gave me.

Does he not want that for his son? That he'd learn the value of money and to be self-sufficient? I understand that he's his son, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

pwurple

I've seen this so many times before. Children of broken marriages get really good at extracting cash from parents and grandparents.

If it's his final chance at this degree, I'd leave things go for this last year. Support the study, as honestly, it's the best way for him to get himself sorted. The nagging won't help. Ultimatums and broken relationships are just more disruption for this boy. That can all come afterwards.

BrowmThomas

One of the reasons I could never date a guy with kids - they always have to come first, regardless.

Op, I understand where you are coming from and at 24, he sounds very immature. I hope he sorts himself out and the pressure on you eases.

rockatansky

BrowmThomas wrote: »

One of the reasons I could never date a guy with kids - they always have to come first, regardless.

Extremely helpful post there, well done.

ahnowbrowncow

I know you're venting but calling your OH's son a complete failure is a horrible thing to say, especially when you admit he is shy and has motivational issues.