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24 year old son getting pocket money

  • 25-10-2014 07:01PM
    #1
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I've been having some disagreements with my OH lately in relation to his adult children. He has two, aged 21 and 24

    They are both imo very immature, the 24 year old has never had a job, failed two years of college and is now in his sixth year of a four year degree as a result.

    At the moment he is repeating his last year, but doesn't attend college, he has to resit two exams and do a project.

    My OH still gives him pocket money of €50 per week, plus €20 a month mobile credit, and still pays maintenance.

    His son essentially refuses to get a job, and I feel that part of the reason why is that he has the cushion of the pocket money/credit etc.

    It's becoming a real source of tension for me and my OH and I feel this should stop.
    Am I being unreasonable?


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    You're not unreasonable. Your OH has some growing up to do.

    However your OH would be liable to pay maintenance until each child turns 23 or leaves full time education.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I understand where you're coming from, however IMHO it isn't really your place to interfere. Your OH seems to be happy with the arrangement and it's not worth letting it come between you.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,162 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    The son sounds like a right tool, but unless it affects you in some way it's probably not for you to decide. Does it impact the money your OH has to to spend on your common expenses?
    I'd be careful about telling someone else how to spend their money without a good reason.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    GarIT wrote: »
    You're not unreasonable. Your OH has some growing up to do.

    However your OH would be liable to pay maintenance until each child turns 23 or leaves full time education.

    Ah I thought the maintenance stopped at 23 regardless.

    I can live with the maintenance which is not much, but not with the pocket money and phone credit tbh

    His sons attitude is really poor, he's long hair and a generally scruffy appearance and he basically refuses to accept that he has to smarten up to get a job. I'm at the point where I'm sick of his leaching off his father and I do view it as such, on top of the pocket money and credit, his father regularly gets him groceries

    I guess I have to lay this out to his father and explain how unhappy I am, as it affects us as a couple due to him not having money as he is subsiding his layabout son


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Oink wrote: »
    The son sounds like a right tool, but unless it affects you in some way it's probably not for you to decide. Does it impact the money your OH has to to spend on your common expenses?
    I'd be careful about telling someone else how to spend their money without a good reason.

    Yes, so much so that my OH regularly has to borrow money from me to make ends meet each month, and rarely pays it back

    He is also extremely extravagant with gifts to his children, birthdays and Christmas usually involve gifts of cash of €200 each, plus about another €100 on additional gifts.

    Normal gift for me for birthday/christmas/anniversary would be less than €100


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 313 ✭✭my teapot is orange


    You may be completely right but I'd be very slow to interfere with the relationship between father and child if you're not his parent.

    Also, if he doesn't go to college and is supposed to be studying "off-books", but is forced to get a job and fails again, you will be eternally blamed especially if they kick him off the degree entirely.

    Until he finishes college, and you have more solid ground to stand on, I wouldn't make any argument on maintenance and pocket money.

    You would be justified in arguing about any money borrowed from you. The extravagant gifts are different.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Maintenance stops at 18 if the child is not in full time education, otherwise it stops when the child leaves education or turns 23.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,961 ✭✭✭LionelNashe


    In my opinion, there is no point in falling out with your other half over the $50 a week pocket money. You even say yourself that this is only 'part of the reason' he doesn't get a job.

    If he's failed two years of college and never had a job, he obviously has some general issues with drive and motivation. You say he's immature. Does he seem happy with his situation or is he in a bit of a funk?

    You could just say he's lazy or immature, but that's just a label that doesn't explain or help the situation. His parents obviously split up when he was younger, or maybe his mother has died. Depending on how old he was when this happened, he could be stuck in an adolescent stage of development, directionless, with no clear vision of what he wants to do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Stheno wrote: »
    Yes, so much so that my OH regularly has to borrow money from me to make ends meet each month, and rarely pays it back

    He is also extremely extravagant with gifts to his children, birthdays and Christmas usually involve gifts of cash of €200 each, plus about another €100 on additional gifts.

    Normal gift for me for birthday/christmas/anniversary would be less than €100

    If he is having money trouble because of this I would leave him to deal with it himself? Are you living together? Both working? Assuming one of you is not supporting the other I would suggest you ask to open a joint account for the household that you pay into equally, and any money you have outside of that is for yourself.

    Most importantly I'd stop lending him money.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    You may be completely right but I'd be very slow to interfere with the relationship between father and child if you're not his parent.

    Also, if he doesn't go to college and is supposed to be studying "off-books", but is forced to get a job and fails again, you will be eternally blamed especially if they kick him off the degree entirely.

    Until he finishes college, and you have more solid ground to stand on, I wouldn't make any argument on maintenance and pocket money.

    You would be justified in arguing about any money borrowed from you. The extravagant gifts are different.

    The money borrowed from me is to maintain my OH giving his son that money as he cannot support him on his income.
    GarIT wrote: »
    Maintenance stops at 18 if the child is not in full time education, otherwise it stops when the child leaves education or turns 23.

    He's still in education at the age of 24 and unlikely to succeed imo, he's a complete failure with little drive to accomplish anything imo.
    In my opinion, there is no point in falling out with your other half over the $50 a week pocket money. You even say yourself that this is only 'part of the reason' he doesn't get a job.

    If he's failed two years of college and never had a job, he obviously has some general issues with drive and motivation. You say he's immature. Does he seem happy with his situation or is he in a bit of a funk?

    You could just say he's lazy or immature, but that's just a label that doesn't explain or help the situation. His parents obviously split up when he was younger, or maybe his mother has died. Depending on how old he was when this happened, he could be stuck in an adolescent stage of development, directionless, with no clear vision of what he wants to do.

    He seems quite happy to just drift along, his parents split up when he was three.

    I've been around when his father has had chats with him about getting a job and his son just goes "yeah yeah, I hear ya!" and does nothing. He's extremely lazy and when he is in our house is happy to litter the house with his dirty ashtray, dirty plates and beer bottles and just leave it.

    My OH recently asked him to give him a hand mowing the lawn and he refused to do so, he's just a waste of space imo.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,858 ✭✭✭homemadecider


    You're enabling your partner. Stop giving him money and he might learn to stop passing so much onto his son.

    Have you tried this approach before?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 313 ✭✭my teapot is orange


    How much is the mother giving?


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    GarIT wrote: »
    If he is having money trouble because of this I would leave him to deal with it himself? Are you living together? Both working? Assuming one of you is not supporting the other I would suggest you ask to open a joint account for the household that you pay into equally, and any money you have outside of that is for yourself.

    Most importantly I'd stop lending him money.

    We do live together and both of us work, I earn a fair bit more than him.

    The cost of his children means that most months he runs out of money a week before payday, and I'm at the point where I'll leave him without as I'm sick of how much he spends on his adult children tbh.

    That may sound awful, but I'm sick of subsiding them. And quite frankly I cannot get the notion of a 24 year old accepting pocket money as being right. I probably sound really harsh, but I worked from when I was sixteen and was independant at 18


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Stheno wrote: »
    The money borrowed from me is to maintain my OH giving his son that money as he cannot support him on his income.



    He's still in education at the age of 24 and unlikely to succeed imo, he's a complete failure with little drive to accomplish anything imo.


    He seems quite happy to just drift along, his parents split up when he was three.

    I've been around when his father has had chats with him about getting a job and his son just goes "yeah yeah, I hear ya!" and does nothing. He's extremely lazy and when he is in our house is happy to litter the house with his dirty ashtray, dirty plates and beer bottles and just leave it.

    My OH recently asked him to give him a hand mowing the lawn and he refused to do so, he's just a waste of space imo.

    I could be a little extreme but if a child of mine was getting less than an average of about 60% that would be the end of me supporting them through education. Failing a year would mean they never see a penny from me again.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    I don't understand how you can complain about him giving money to his son when you're doing the exact same thing with him.

    Stop giving him money.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,309 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Maintenance stops at 18 or 23 if in full time education. Past that age an adult would be expected to be able to maintain themselves.

    Either way you're not going to get anywhere with this. He is a product of his upbringing, and unless his parents stop funding him he has no reason to change himself. And from what you say your partner isn't going to stop of his own accord. You're as guilty as he is, really, because you are effectively giving your partner money so that he can give his son money...

    Stop giving him money.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    You're enabling your partner. Stop giving him money and he might learn to stop passing so much onto his son.

    Have you tried this approach before?

    No, but I'm tempted to tbh, my partner knows I earn a lot more than him and generally have spare cash
    How much is the mother giving?

    Very little, they live a weird existence each of them in the mothers house have seperate food cupboards, but the mother rarely buys the kids groceries

    All in all his kids cost my OH about €1000 a month which for a 21 and 24 year old I think is ridiculous.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Stheno wrote: »
    We do live together and both of us work, I earn a fair bit more than him.

    The cost of his children means that most months he runs out of money a week before payday, and I'm at the point where I'll leave him without as I'm sick of how much he spends on his adult children tbh.

    That may sound awful, but I'm sick of subsiding them. And quite frankly I cannot get the notion of a 24 year old accepting pocket money as being right. I probably sound really harsh, but I worked from when I was sixteen and was independant at 18

    You're not wrong at harsh at all. If he was really trying I would see it differently but he is just living off and wasting handouts. He will never learn if he is not made to.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    I don't understand how you can complain about him giving money to his son when you're doing the exact same thing with him.

    Stop giving him money.
    Maintenance stops at 18 or 23 if in full time education. Past that age an adult would be expected to be able to maintain themselves.

    Either way you're not going to get anywhere with this. He is a product of his upbringing, and unless his parents stop funding him he has no reason to change himself. And from what you say your partner isn't going to stop of his own accord. You're as guilty as he is, really, because you are effectively giving your partner money so that he can give his son money...

    Stop giving him money.

    I was thinking of that, but thought it was harsh, but you know what, you're right.

    No more funding from me :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 636 ✭✭✭Bucklesman


    Stheno wrote: »
    Ah I thought the maintenance stopped at 23 regardless.

    I can live with the maintenance which is not much, but not with the pocket money and phone credit tbh

    His sons attitude is really poor, he's long hair and a generally scruffy appearance and he basically refuses to accept that he has to smarten up to get a job. I'm at the point where I'm sick of his leaching off his father and I do view it as such, on top of the pocket money and credit, his father regularly gets him groceries

    I guess I have to lay this out to his father and explain how unhappy I am, as it affects us as a couple due to him not having money as he is subsiding his layabout son

    If someone told you they had a problem with your appearance when you were 24, I'm sure they'd form the opinion you had a bad attitude too. You can refuse to lend your SO money, but trying to dictate anything further is just going to poison your relationships with everyone involved.


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  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, my friends daughter is in 2nd year at college. She doesn't work, she will be there until she is at least 23. My friend gives her 'pocket money ' every month.

    I'm nearly 40, my mam gives me money on my birthday.

    I'm not sure what your problem with your oh son is. I think your problem is with your other half. Its up to him to organise his money. If he can't manage on his wages that's his problem. He needs to sort that out himself, without borrowing from you.

    If you both half a joint account for your joint expenses, I really don't think its any of your business what he spends his own money on.
    Perhaps stop lending him money and he could start budgeting himself?

    I think you're very hard on the son, if his father keeps giving him money, why wouldn't he take it?

    Just so you know, I moved out if home at 18, and worked since I was 14.
    Different strikes for different folks, fair play to your oh helping his son out.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,162 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    The main thing is that you cant let this strain your relationship.

    You need to have a real discussion with OH so you get a chance to fix this. But without pushing him into a corner or antagonizing him.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 361 ✭✭kristian12


    I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

    Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    GarIT wrote: »
    You're not wrong at harsh at all. If he was really trying I would see it differently but he is just living off and wasting handouts. He will never learn if he is not made to.

    His father and I sat him down a month ago and talked to him about getting a job, any job. His father then took him to meet one of his former lecturers and he said the same to him, as he's not full time studying.

    The sons response was "ok" and he's done nothing, not applied for any of the Christmas jobs we suggested, nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 313 ✭✭my teapot is orange


    Stheno wrote: »
    Very little, they live a weird existence each of them in the mothers house have seperate food cupboards, but the mother rarely buys the kids groceries

    All in all his kids cost my OH about €1000 a month which for a 21 and 24 year old I think is ridiculous.

    This is difficult, because if she is being paid maintenance, I would expect her to be spending it on him, so that he doesn't need so much pocket money. But on the other hand at 24 she doesn't even have to let him stay in the house, and maybe her not spending money on him is her way of smartening him up. But that wouldn't explain her attitude to the younger guy. If he is still in higher education, she would still have obligations towards him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    It's his son, let him shower him with money if that's what he wants. If he starves the last week of each month as a result just don't give him anything yourself.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,309 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It's irrelevant what you earn. You are not financially responsible for your partner's children. I know many parents still help out their adult children on occasion, if needed. (I know I'm very grateful for my parents!) But it shouldn't be on an ongoing basis. And if it is they have failed as parents to bring their children up to become normal functioning independent adults.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    kristian12 wrote: »
    I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

    Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.

    Quite the opposite, I got him a placement in my work, and he got let go as he wasn't great at doing stuff.

    My OH knows that his son is shy and needs to develop, and strike out, but his son refuses to do so as he has the cushion of living at home, and being funded by Dad, my OH admits that this is the case.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    GarIT wrote: »
    I could be a little extreme but if a child of mine was getting less than an average of about 60% that would be the end of me supporting them through education. Failing a year would mean they never see a penny from me again.

    +1 this kid is doing a four year degree programme and its taking him six years so far. For the years that he had repeat the father should have stopped paying for him and told him to get a job.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 361 ✭✭kristian12


    Stheno wrote: »
    Quite the opposite, I got him a placement in my work, and he got let go as he wasn't great at doing stuff.

    My OH knows that his son is shy and needs to develop, and strike out, but his son refuses to do so as he has the cushion of living at home, and being funded by Dad, my OH admits that this is the case.

    Fair enough, and good on you for trying to help him.

    Is it guilt that he wasn't around full time for his children when they were younger or is your o/h as laid back about everything.

    Either way you shouldn't have to substitute his children.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    kristian12 wrote: »
    I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

    Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.

    I've done that as per another post. Didn't work :)
    This is difficult, because if she is being paid maintenance, I would expect her to be spending it on him, so that he doesn't need so much pocket money. But on the other hand at 24 she doesn't even have to let him stay in the house, and maybe her not spending money on him is her way of smartening him up. But that wouldn't explain her attitude to the younger guy. If he is still in higher education, she would still have obligations towards him.

    I've no idea what goes on in that house apart from what seems to be a regular lack of food.
    It's irrelevant what you earn. You are not financially responsible for your partner's children. I know many parents still help out their adult children on occasion, if needed. (I know I'm very grateful for my parents!) But it shouldn't be on an ongoing basis. And if it is they have failed as parents to bring their children up to become normal functioning independent adults.

    I agree with you and argue regularly with my OH that he is remiss in having a 24 year old who thinks it is good to get pocket money, he's as much a problem as his children.

    I'm probably on a losing battle here, it's annoying me enough to consider leaving


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    kristian12 wrote: »
    Fair enough, and good on you for trying to help him.

    Is it guilt that he wasn't around full time for his children when they were younger or is your o/h as laid back about everything.

    Either way you shouldn't have to substitute his children.

    Yes there is a big guilt element there, which in my opinion "protects" them from the real world and why they should enter it.

    It's becoming a major issue for me with my OH, enough to end a fairly long relationship


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,309 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Does he know it's now at crisis point for your relationship?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 361 ✭✭kristian12


    Stheno wrote: »
    Yes there is a big guilt element there, which in my opinion "protects" them from the real world and why they should enter it.

    It's becoming a major issue for me with my OH, enough to end a fairly long relationship

    If its at that stage I think you need to be blunt and say you can't stay in the relationship and give him money it needs to be one or the other. You are not asking him to choose between you or his children but saying you will not subsidise them any longer.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Does he know it's now at crisis point for your relationship?

    Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ZephyrSurfer


    Stheno wrote: »
    he's long hair

    Don't be making that a point. Meanie :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,331 ✭✭✭SparkySpitfire


    kristian12 wrote: »
    If its at that stage I think you need to be blunt and say you can't stay in the relationship and give him money it needs to be one or the other. You are not asking him to choose between you or his children but saying you will not subsidise them any longer.

    Yeah you really have to make the point that it's "me and no subsidies or no me at all", if it even hints like it's sounding like a "me or your children" situation, you're going to lose.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Yeah you really have to make the point that it's "me and no subsidies or no me at all", if it even hints like it's sounding like a "me or your children" situation, you're going to lose.

    That's tough as the reason for the loans are his parental obligations


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,331 ✭✭✭SparkySpitfire


    Stheno wrote: »
    That's tough as the reason for the loans are his parental obligations

    Obligations would be going a bit too far in this case...! He can still give his son money, but he has to know that he can do what he likes with his own money, if he can't afford it then he'll just have to give his son less.

    I understand that he's feeling guilty, but even if the son was 12 and getting pocket money, and the dad couldn't afford to give him the usual rate, then they would both just have to be realistic and put up with a smaller amount.

    It's called living within your means, most people do that!

    This doesn't help you at all, just emphasise that it's not about what he's spending the money on, it's that he's constantly spending your money and not living within his own means. Keep your feelings towards his son separate because he'll start thinking that you're against them if he hasn't already.

    Maybe you would just be happier moving on from this chap, his sons obviously mean a lot to him and you don't seem to like (at least one of them) very much.


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Stheno wrote: »
    Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear

    Then you have your answer I'm afraid. He knows its a deal breaker for you and doesnt care. I had a similar upbringing to you, always had part time jobs from early teens as well as being expected to help out significantly in the home, this kind of attitude both father and son must be hugely frustrating.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Stheno wrote: »
    Yes and he is firmly on his kids side, we've just argued about and he made that clear

    Well to be honest, I can see exactly where he is coming from.
    You give him an ultimatum, his kids or you, then I would expect him to choose his kids. If he didn't he wouldn't be much of a father.
    To be fair to him, he seems like a good dad.

    Your problem with his budgeting is just that, YOUR problem, with HIS budgeting.

    Stop blaming his son for the problems in your relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    bubblypop wrote: »
    Well to be honest, I can see exactly where he is coming from.
    You give him an ultimatum, his kids or you, then I would expect him to choose his kids. If he didn't he wouldn't be much of a father.
    To be fair to him, he seems like a good dad.

    Your problem with his budgeting is just that, YOUR problem, with HIS budgeting.

    Stop blaming his son for the problems in your relationship.

    I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,331 ✭✭✭SparkySpitfire


    GarIT wrote: »
    I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.

    Yeah, which is why she's not wrong in wanting to stop giving him money but most parents will choose their kids over a SO


  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    GarIT wrote: »
    I'm sure most people would (rightly) have a problem with their OH needing to borrow money to fund their childs pure lazy lifestyle.

    If she doesn't want to lend him money then she shouldn't.
    If lending him money is conditional to what he spends it on then she shouldn't.
    Blaming his son is wrong.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    bubblypop wrote: »
    If she doesn't want to lend him money then she shouldn't.
    If lending him money is conditional to what he spends it on then she shouldn't.
    Blaming his son is wrong.

    The OPs problem is with her husband, the son is just the reason she has a problem with the husband so needed to be explained.

    I doubt the OP would care what the son did as long as their household budget wasn't coming up short because of it.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 19,019 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I can understand supporting your kids through college,no matter what age they are but at that age he should either be on back to education or have a part time job.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,331 ✭✭✭SparkySpitfire


    GarIT wrote: »
    The OPs problem is with her husband, the son is just the reason she has a problem with the husband so needed to be explained.

    I doubt the OP would care what the son did as long as their household budget wasn't coming up short because of it.
    Moonbeam wrote: »
    I can understand supporting your kids through college,no matter what age they are but at that age he should either be on back to education or have a part time job.

    Yup, totally agree.

    She wouldn't have the problem in the first place if the fella didn't have a hand in raising a son to live like that though, and then to continue doing it to the detriment of their relationship. All the OP could do is let him know where the line was and that he's crossing it. It's up to him now to make the next move.

    Really what I'm trying to say is, the son has barely anything to do with it, all of her problems stem from the fella, the son is just the more obvious problem in this situation. He raised him to have no work ethic and to rely on handouts and he's the one feeling guilty enough to keep going.

    In my honest opinion, this sounds like too fundamental a point to "get over". I think the OP would have a much less stressful life without this guy, here she is handing over money and and time trying to help his kids when nothing is improving for her.

    I don't think I could wait for him to make the next move, either let him be accepting with you not giving him any more subsidies or take yourself out of the equation.


  • Posts: 17,728 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Stheno wrote: »
    No, but I'm tempted to tbh, my partner knows I earn a lot more than him and generally have spare cash...

    Your partner is a bum imo.




    *Mod note*
    Unhelpful posting is not tolerated here.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 97 ✭✭ella23


    imo (seems to be your favourite phrase) the problem seems to be yours. I have had dealings with the likes of you through my nephew and his dad (his dad raised him, not his mom) The stepmom is doing her damn best to get him out of their lives. This kids is HIS child, not YOURS! It is of no relevance to you how he spends his money. If you don't want to give him a loan at the end of the month, don't. But don't dare nag him about how he spends his money every other week.
    Why did you get with him in the first place. You knew he had responsibilities. You knew he had kids.
    And rightly so that he chooses his kids over a horror like you! He does what most parents do, supports his kids until they are able to support themselves. This kid might currently be in a state of arrested development, but he will grow out of it. He will make something out of himself. But if people like you tell him that he is useless and he will never amount to anything, he will prove you right.
    Get off your high horse a small bit. They aren't your children, so keep your opinion to yourself.

    Oh my parents paid my way through college until i was 27. I have a PhD, run my own company now, earn six figures a year, they are both retired now I now i have made it my responsibility that they get through their retirement with zero money problems and in total comfort! But then again they never called me a loser, deadbeat, useless or a nobody! And imo I would not have been anywhere if it wasn't for them! Then again, thats just "my opinion!")

    In case you were wondering, I do not come from a rich family. I was not spoiled. My parents expected me to make something of myself and urged me to go through the education system for as long as I needed to do so!


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