My Girlfriend's Rapist

Nodferatu

i have wanted to write about this on many occasions and didn't. i dont know why i am now! i have a fiancee, whom i love very much, she has been through alot in her life and i guess i kinda wanted to tell a little of her story on a part of her life, to show how evil some people are. were together a few years now but when we first got together she told me of her dark secrets and vice versa, we all have them. however, this one particularly digs at me as i sometimes wish i could seek vengeance for her.
i have written this paragraph a few times so im just going to cut it down to the simplest form to read. im going to leave out all the smaller details.
basically when she was 16, her then boyfriend in school raped her on numerous occasions in her own home when her parents were out.
this man laughed in her face when she eventually had the courage months after dumping him and just laughed and made some smart comment like i dont know what your talking about, but not only that, made some story up to everyone in school that she dumped him because she was seeing someone else. which then prompted a lot of bullying in the school on her. some of it was so bad she was kept at home some time. she was born in london and has a slight english accent but she was bullied profusely in school because of that. alot. so bad she had to be moved primary schools because of anti english slagging before secondary school even began for her.

this ma.. this... piece of ****... do you know where he is now???
he's a ''sermon'' for a certain church. im not going to speak of any place names or of any persons names. but this rapist is now a preacher/sermon in a community church in a different county. he has a family and a little boy. i think he's married aswell. this just disgusts me. it angers me greatly. he gets up every sunday and stands in front of people every week, men, women & children, and preaches and talks about stuff like love, caring, honesty, compassion & the good will of god!
i struggle with this as i want to break him & i don't understand how this world works sometimes. she still refuses to go to the guards about this matter as it would bring everything back up after all the years of counselling she had to go through and also it would all become public if brought to court.
i suppose im venting here. i cant sleep so i got up and made a coffee and i just decided to make a thread on this. i dont know what the best thing to do is other than continue to support my girlfriend.

BertyytreB

In my opinion I don't think you should do anything. You will just open old wounds and could cause more harm then good. It's taken her obviously a long time to move on and get on with her life and she has managed to get by this. You need to focus on her and your future together.

degsie

Interesting AH topic. Not sure you will get any sensible answers here. Maybe move to 'personal issues' forum?

thedooner

I would feel the same but you must think of what your gf want's and that's to move on any way you can.
You think of this every day but she most likely relives it every day :-(
Never stop telling her how much you love and care for her.It's her wish not to bring this up, please you have to agree and move on as well.

osarusan

degsie wrote: »

Interesting AH topic. Not sure you will get any sensible answers here. Maybe move to 'personal issues' forum?

Yeah, PI is probably a better place for such a topic.

OP, it's really about what your girlfriend wants...best to support her in that, even if it isn't the right thing to do, in your opinion.

Ruu

After Hours really is not the place for this. Moving to PI. Please observe the current charter. Thanks.

Mod.

[PI MOD NOTE:]
I have removed some comments that are not appropriate to PI, one in fact would normally result in an immediate ban. If in doubt before you post here please read our charter.

Taltos
[/MOD NOTE]

beks101

Yeah it's a sh1tty world we live in sometimes. Bad things happen to good people and sh1t people prosper. Scumbags get away with doing really evil things sometimes.

Honestly I think your anger is ultimately just going to make your girlfriend suffer more if you don't get a hold on it. I can understand your instinct to protect her, but ultimately being obsessed and uber-focused on this aRsehole is probably going to force her to have to think about him more than she already does. She may well have already dealt with this in her own way, do you really want to keep bringing it up and forcing what happened back into her consciousness?

I think you need to just be a supportive partner and let her talk if she wants to etc, but do whatever it takes to not let it/him consume you because it's in the past now, it's not your place to get involved. Be the light in her life; not the one that keeps bringing up this darkness that I'm sure she'd like to leave behind her.

LegacyUser

TireeTerror wrote: »

Your first mistake,, limiting your options was to post up about it online. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I had confronted him in the most abominable manner, I would be so enraged and consumed by it that I would not settle until I felt certain he endured as much pain as possible. If at any stage I had doubts about my actions, I would refocus by imagining her anguish as he laughed at her.

Op, I'm similar to your girlfriend in that my earliest sexual experience was not consensual. I once told a then-boyfriend about it. At the time I wasn't looking for sympathy or even help, I was just sharing info on my past. I had then, and still have, dealt with it in my own way.


His reaction was similar to yours, anger, rage, revenge-seeking, "how dare he do that?" Etc. I remember him sitting there, fists clenched, saying stuff like "I'll do time for him" etc.

It was unhelpful, to say the least, from my point of view. It turned the issue into something about him, his reaction, his disgust. Do you know he never once asked if I was ok or said anything like "you poor thing", or "that was an awful thing to happen", no, it became all about him. I recall thinking that even though I was lying in bed with the man I loved, I had rarely felt lonelier in my life.

This is her past, her trauma, don't make it about you and what you want to do, along the lines of the trash-talk above. Support her. That's what she wants and needs.

Betty Bloggs

Whatever you do don't pressure her to go to the Guards or report it. I think beks101 had the best advice really. Also maybe as this is bothering you so much it might help to speak to a counsellor yourself for a few sessions to help you vent your feelings and anger about the issue and to learn techniques to help cope with this anger? Just continue to support your girlfriend and be there for her if she ever decides she wants to talk about it or seek counselling herself.

TireeTerror

Iwasthatgirl wrote: »

Op, I'm similar to your girlfriend in that my earliest sexual experience was not consensual. I once told a then-boyfriend about it. At the time I wasn't looking for sympathy or even help, I was just sharing info on my past. I had then, and still have, dealt with it in my own way.


His reaction was similar to yours, anger, rage, revenge-seeking, "how dare he do that?" Etc. I remember him sitting there, fists clenched, saying stuff like "I'll do time for him" etc.

It was unhelpful, to say the least, from my point of view. It turned the issue into something about him, his reaction, his disgust. Do you know he never once asked if I was ok or said anything like "you poor thing", or "that was an awful thing to happen", no, it became all about him. I recall thinking that even though I was lying in bed with the man I loved, I had rarely felt lonelier in my life.

This is her past, her trauma, don't make it about you and what you want to do, along the lines of the trash-talk above. Support her. That's what she wants and needs.

As I wrote that reply, I had considered that it may not be helpful to the victim. I also thought about how it shouldnt be about me. I also completely empathise how you could feel so lonely at that moment, because by the girl confiding in the one she loved about something which was so personal to her, instead of receiving compassion and a thoughtful measured response, her anguish would only be heightened by the aggressive reaction. She would then also worry about the trouble that her boyfriend would get in if he were to act upon his anger and take the law into his own hands.

I did honestly think about all of that, and yet I am still unsure if I would be able to rest in my mind knowing that someone out there had done that and for all I know, could still be doing it. I guess a lesson here is that the victim should consider the reaction of their partner if they disclosed such potentially volatile information.

The other side of that is if a victim didnt feel they could share that kind of event and have their partners full support, then they are with the wrong partner anyway.

Truth be told, some things are perhaps best not shared. I have a thought in my head that I would initially react with fury and then if my partner didnt want the kind of rough justice that I would be liable to dish out, I would probably say I would do nothing and be supportive of her. However I am fairly sure I would spend a long time trying to get to sleep each night with inner turmoil, and there is a risk that I would go and do something without her knowledge.

It really is quite scary, and just thinking about it with greater thought, it makes me realise just how fragile and precious life is. It could all be taken so quickly.

I just want to remind users that the post that was deleted, but had been quoted and is still there, was something I posted when this was originally in the After Hours section, which is quite different to personal issues.

Rubberchikken

It's natural to feel anger for what happened to your Gf.

Yes it was horrible and the guy who assaulted her is vile but unless she wants to do something about it now, you'll just have to support her and be there when and if she needs you.