Wife can't let a friendship with female colleague go

meeeeh

Sleepy wrote: »

No, I'm saying unacceptable behaviour is exactly that: unacceptable. Being "deeply hurt and betrayed" doesn't give anyone licence to behave abusively towards their partner. A once-off, short, out-burst of shouting might be understandable but prolonged. daily verbal abuse? That's as bad, if not worse than, the OP's behaviour imo.

It's not like OP came clean about his feelings. It's clear his wife doesn't believe him they were just friends. He might not have a sexual relationship but it's clear emotional affair was going on. Wife was told by another employee that there was sexual relationship, she finds out about texts and gifts that OP was hiding from her and she is supposed to believe him after one conversation that nothing was going on? Because OP was so open and honest before?

The wife is possibly overreacting but I have very strong suspicion the reactionwould be less persistent if OP admitted that nothing happened but he wanted it to happen. it would be also more likely that they will split up. But at some stage you have to pull the plaster, tell the truth and see where things are going.

And btw this is not some man bashing nonsense. How many people would believe their partner after being told he/she is cheating that nothing was going on, despite all the gifts, gym arrangements and neglect of other shops.

K_P

Sleepy wrote: »

No, I'm saying unacceptable behaviour is exactly that: unacceptable. Being "deeply hurt and betrayed" doesn't give anyone licence to behave abusively towards their partner. A once-off, short, out-burst of shouting might be understandable but prolonged. daily verbal abuse? That's as bad, if not worse than, the OP's behaviour imo.

I'm not suggesting that daily shouting matches between the two are normal and that the OP has to settle into this horrible pattern for the rest of his life. They have a lot of work to do but I would think their marriage could be saved.

The OP asked for advice on how he can get his life and marriage back on track. IMO, if he takes your and others advice about how he's the victim and his wife is abusive, he'd be better off contacting his solicitor and starting divorce proceedings today because that's where he'll end up one way or the other believing that.

ceadaoin.

Stranger Danger wrote: »

So if you're a bloke, you basically can't be friends with anyone else if you're in a relationship?

Riiiiiiight.







You have done nothing wrong OP - or at least nothing wrong enough to warrant the way your wife is currently acting.

This thread is chock-full of the usual man-bashers this forum regularly attracts. Don't let them try to convince you that she is the victim and you are the one at fault.

You are the victim OP.

This was more than just a friendship. The OP spent an excessive amount of time with this person to the extent that he neglected his other responsibilities, he bought her gifts, he lied and downplayed the extent of this to his wife and even admits they have an emotional connection and attraction. It certainly seems like it was heading towards an actual affair. If the other employee hadnt burst their bubble that's probably what would have happened.

Even now he is minimising and trying to make this his wife's problem. You could actually say OP is the emotionally abusive one as thats a form of gaslighting.

If you're in a relationship, whether you're male or female that's not acceptable. It has nothing to do with 'man bashing'. To call the OP a victim is laughable.

Neyite

Sleepy wrote: »

No, I'm saying unacceptable behaviour is exactly that: unacceptable. Being "deeply hurt and betrayed" doesn't give anyone licence to behave abusively towards their partner. A once-off, short out-burst of shouting might be forgiveable but prolonged daily verbal abuse? That's as bad, if not worse than the OP's behaviour imo.

I agree. One of them should move out temporarily so they both get space to consider where they want their relationship to go. Better for any children in the home too not to be caught in the cross fire. Maybe a managed situation such as counselling where they can talk is the best way of resolution.

But, the op has admitted here that he has an emotional attachment to his employee. But to his wife, he is calling her jealous and paranoid for sensing exactly what he admitted to us here. She knows he is holding back, that he is not being fully truthful still. How can a person get back on track with someone who, after all the hurt they caused, are still minimising and lying, and even worse, blaming the other person for the continued atmosphere. He is still trying to control what information his wife really knows about the situation, and at some point, she will give up asking for the truth and just walk.

Wife has not walked out. Yet. That is a very good sign for the OP that she wants to try to save the relationship and one he needs to take advantage of by being fully warts-and-all honest once and for all. It seems that the minimising the OP is doing is his attempts at saving the relationship, but it is very likely to have the opposite effect and put the final nail in the coffin of the marriage.

OP, there is a book I've seen often recommended for couples in a similar situation where their relationships are in recovery after a third party influence. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I haven't read it, but I'm on another forum and its a very popular recommendation for both partners to read.

pookie82

Stranger Danger wrote: »

So if you're a bloke, you basically can't be friends with anyone else if you're in a relationship?

You can be friends with them, yes.

What you can't do is buy them secret birthday and Christmas presents, neglect your other businesses/wife to spend 99% of your time with them, give them bonuses because of some emotional gratitude, admit there was an emotional attachment, and then sing dumb when you're found out.

Does that clear it up?

Colser

Stranger Danger wrote: »

So if you're a bloke, you basically can't be friends with anyone else if you're in a relationship?

Riiiiiiight.







You have done nothing wrong OP - or at least nothing wrong enough to warrant the way your wife is currently acting.

This thread is chock-full of the usual man-bashers this forum regularly attracts. Don't let them try to convince you that she is the victim and you are the one at fault.

You are the victim OP.

He said it himself in the OP that he knows he is in the wrong.

Genuine question..how do you think the wife(or any woman you know in real life) should react in this situation?

zeffabelli

Shouting matches might be perfectly acceptable to this couple. It might be their fighting style.

Labelling abuse and talking about murder come on....

Unacceptable to one person could be normal to others.

dudara

@Stranger Danger - Let's steer clear of making generalisations about the sexes.

dudara

Neyite

zeffabelli wrote: »

Shouting matches might be perfectly acceptable to this couple. It might be their fighting style.

Labelling abuse and talking about murder come on....

Unacceptable to one person could be normal to others.

True. I remember popping into a sibling one day unannounced and they were yelling and calling each other names. I really thought I'd stumbled into an I'm-divorcing-you type of fight. It was just a bog-standard row and they were grand an hour later. I would hate that kind of relationship but it works for them.

There is a big difference between domestic abuse and a marital row. This sounds to me like a marital row - I'm not seeing any abuse here. And in this case, they very likely cause of it being prolonged and day after day is that it starts off with her asking him a question or two, and either getting an evasive, defensive or contradictory answer from the OP, then getting pissed off that even now, he's still not coming clean. They both get annoyed, tempers flare and the yelling begins all over again.

discus

It's OP being yelled at here. At the instigation of the wife. The sexism here is palpable, I'm gone.

pookie82

discus wrote: »

It's OP being yelled at here. At the instigation of the wife. The sexism here is palpable, I'm gone.

From the OP's second post:

"I have being reassuring my wife that i made a idiot of myself and this will never ever happen again,as i learned a lesson by getting to close to an employee,but even though she comes around when i do reassure her,a few hours later,something else will pop into her head and we are back at square one,and she wants out of our relationship,and then we start with a very loud and nasty argument,this situation has being repeating itself now for the last few months every day, and its wearing bout of us out,we are both consumed by it now and if it keeps up, not only will our business suffer,it will take a toll on our health"

Where does he state that she is the sole aggressor? Perhaps she starts questioning him and he starts the shouting?

There's sexism here alright, but it's not ours.

Flippyfloppy

discus wrote: »

It's OP being yelled at here. At the instigation of the wife. The sexism here is palpable, I'm gone.

He says they each scream at each other?!?

homerjay2005

pookie82 wrote: »

Where does he state that she is the sole aggressor? Perhaps she starts questioning him and he starts the shouting?

There's sexism here alright, but it's not ours.

the OP clearly says that she is the instigator of all of this, why would he keep bringing it up?

what you expect him to do, stand there like a mug and take s*it off a screaming woman for no reason?

i would suggest that the OP gets his wife to attend some counselling sessions, there are clearly underlying issues here and more than just a jealous rage over something very harmless.

K_P

homerjay2005 wrote: »

the OP clearly says that she is the instigator of all of this, why would he keep bringing it up?

what you expect him to do, stand there like a mug and take s*it off a screaming woman for no reason?

i would suggest that the OP gets his wife to attend some counselling sessions, there are clearly underlying issues here and more than just a jealous rage over something very harmless.

What do you expect her to do, stand there like a mug and take s*it off a screaming man for no reason? :rolleyes:

The number of posters here who assume the woman is doing all the shouting and is therefore an abuser is frankly shocking. From the OP's posts it's obvious they're both shouting at each other and it's clear they're both stuck in a terrible pattern of miscommunication. Telling the OP that he's being a mug and is abused by his wife is doing this situation no good whatsoever.

pookie82

homerjay2005 wrote: »

what you expect him to do, stand there like a mug and take s*it off a screaming woman for no reason?

i would suggest that the OP gets his wife to attend some counselling sessions, there are clearly underlying issues here and more than just a jealous rage over something very harmless.

I've already suggested counselling for BOTH of them, and I suggested leaving the house for a while to give her space, maybe moving out for a few weeks. Doesn't seem like they're getting anywhere in the current set up.

Your language above in bold reads as misogynistic, maybe you didn't intend it to be so, but you're painting her as just a ranting, crazy fishwife and him as a big man who doesn't have to take her sh*t? Her "sh*t" is not for "no reason", and is probably compounded by him repeatedly telling her she's overreacting. It's a vicious cycle and I think only space can break it.

homerjay2005

K_P wrote: »

What do you expect her to do, stand there like a mug and take s*it off a screaming man for no reason? :rolleyes:

he isnt the one thats starting all of these arguments, he wants to move on but she wont. the reason this is dragging out and the fights are taking place, is due to the wife and nobody else.

Faith

homerjay2005 wrote: »

he isnt the one thats starting all of these arguments, he wants to move on but she wont. the reason this is dragging out and the fights are taking place, is due to the wife and nobody else.

The reason the fights are taking place is because of the OPs actions. If he had never behaved inappropriately with this other woman, there would be no fights on this issue. So to blame the wife for fighting is totally missing the point of what behaviours or actions triggered the fights.

K_P

homerjay2005 wrote: »

he isnt the one thats starting all of these arguments, he wants to move on but she wont. the reason this is dragging out and the fights are taking place, is due to the wife and nobody else.

And your solution?

Do you think there might be a reason why OP's wife still asks him about what really happened? Do you think there might be differences in how they view this friendship / emotional affair? Do you think the OP might be trying to downplay what really happened in the misguided hope of sweeping all of this under the carpet and moving on? Do you think the wife might be hurt because while she was slaving away in two of their businesses, her husband was spending all his time with someone he's admitted he was attracted to?

Or do you think the OP's wife is an evil harpy who enjoys making her family's life a misery with constant fights? Because that's honestly what your take on this sounds like.

Colser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

he isnt the one thats starting all of these arguments, he wants to move on but she wont. the reason this is dragging out and the fights are taking place, is due to the wife and nobody else.

There are very few women (if any) who would just "move on " from this. There are very few women who would buy the OPs story.
He was attracted to,spent a lot of unnessesary time with and bought gifts for another woman but nothing else happened.:rolleyes:

The one thing we do know is that his wife loved him because thats the only reason she is reacting like this. To hear from a third person that your husband is cheating (and its still cheating even if it wasnt physical:rolleyes:) is beyond hurtful.

Its clear after 2 months hes unlikely to come clean imo so this scenario will play out until they will probably split up or stay together in a very different relationship to what they had until this "friendship" occurred.I know who I blame..

dudara

Posters - the OP hasn't posted in this thread for 4 days, so the conversation is purely speculation on our part at the moment.

Let's wait for the OP to respond before offering any more advice.

dudara