What would you do?

bear1

lawred2 wrote: »

I don't know you and I don't know anything about you but those few words were enough to stop me in my tracks

I wish you, your wife and your child all the best. For whatever that's worth..

Thanks. I had a thread that was detailing the struggles of it all a few years ago.
It was tough but we got through it somehow but I suspect it left much deeper scars than were actually visible.
Of course I'm not going to blame this now on what happened nor will I say it's mostly her fault.
We both made mistakes and I take my blame for what's happened.
It's sad but there you go. We are still young enough to start over and I'll always be there for the 2 kids but life can't be about misery and anger.

Greentopia

Cletoreyes50 wrote: »

A friend of mine left his wife as the sex became routine, they were having sex once a week for the sake of it. The spark was no longer there after being together for about 15 years. They have three young kids together. So he decided to break up and now is now living with his new girlfriend with whom the sex is great.

Would you make such a ballsy move to break up a family just for sex where everything else was perfect, they still love each other and were best friends?

First off did this guy try counselling or visit a sex therapist with his wife to see if there was anything could be done to get that spark back? if it was there once it can often be reignited.

Second- if that wouldn't/didn't work why didn't they both sit down and work out some plan that wouldn't involve breaking up the family and giving three kids problems for years to come because they now come from a broken home? because that's what he's done.

My ex was married before he was with me and has two kids. When my ex divorced they were healthy normal kids but they had to see psychologists to deal with the negative emotional effects on them of their parents marital breakup and the father having to leave the family home (and their divorce was far from the worst I've heard). It left scars on them, some of which will never heal and will likely affect their own relationships and views on marriage.

That's the "gift" -sarcasm your friend has given to his kids by doing what he has done. There's nothing ballsy or admirable about that.

If this friend had to have a heart to heart with his wife and come to some agreement about either seeing a therapist or failing that having an open relationship where he could go off and get this sex he so badly needs while still staying emotionally faithful to her I don't see the reason to end a marriage like this when you say they still love each other.

I understand this is not something many married women would be open to entertaining, but if the option is there for her to also sleep with another man then that balances it up somewhat. It doesn't always work-jealousy, trust issues, rule or boundary violations... but I think it's the better option than breaking up a marriage when there's kids involved and they still love each other.

That's how I would deal with it anyway and have past experience of it working well for me (in a relationship, not marriage).

And remember that intense sexual attraction in a new relationship only lasts about a year, so if it's just sex he was missing he's just going to end up chasing after that sexual thrill again when things start to get stale in his new relationship, leaving more problems for himself and others.

Breaking up a marriage and family is not worth it, but I guess he'll have to find out the hard way now that the damage is done.

Greentopia

Cletoreyes50 wrote: »

He's happy now, a relationship with just love is a friendship, there needs to be sexual desire.

Not necessarily. I know one couple who are both happily celibate in their marriage. They are asexual and aromantic. They love each other though, have been together over 20 years and are happy by all accounts.

One fifth of all marriages in the UK and US are sexless, and I think we can safely assume the Irish figure wouldn't be far off that.

Some people are not happy with a lack of sexual desire this is true, but for others it's not necessarily a problem or a reason to end a marriage.

Graces7

Graces7 wrote: »

That is the most crazy post yet. Their father has walked out on them. They may never be happy again.

ok, I just re-read the OP, I hadn't realised he had walked out on his family. That is different.

starbaby2003

Cletoreyes50 wrote: »

He's not financially laboured, he makes over 100k and and his new girlfriend makes around 80k, so not an issue.

He doesn’t sound shallow at all disclosing to a friend how much his GF makes ....
also €100k in Dublin wouldn’t sustain two families so financially laboured would definitely be back on the table if that’s where he lives.

pickarooney

super_furry wrote: »

I'm sure those three young kids will be delighted to know that their Dad has a better sex life now.

Well, they will, albeit indirectly. It's better for the kids to see their father happy than miserable and giving up on happiness. The latter is a **** situation and far more damaging to the children in the long run.

Saying 'everything is perfect... except the sex' is like saying 'I'm in perfect health... apart from the terminal cancer'.

pickarooney

Vincent Icy Doughnut wrote: »

That is all true, although as couples get into their 30s and 40s, advance in their careers, and have children, sex can't always be the top priority. The demands of a stressful job, taking care of children, keeping home and affairs in order, etc., can be exhausting, and I'd say there are many such people who just don't have the energy for sex at the end of a long day.

When your job is negatively impacting your relationship to that extent, you really have to have a good, hard think about why you're doing that to yourself.

Graces7 wrote: »

balderdash...choosing to stay faithful to your commitments is a mature choice an worth far more than sex

Sometimes the mature choice is accepting that commitments you made earlier in your life are no longer the right option for your life today. Stubbornly persisting with something you know is not right, out of a misplaced sense of honour, is not particularly mature.

There's no mention in the OP of the guy (I'm assuming it's the OP or OP's wife given the apparent level of detail to which he/she is privy and the certainty thereof) abandoning his children, just a lot of posters projecting their own insecurity and unhappiness on him, either because they themselves felt abandoned at some point or because they have chosen to cling to some ideal which is not making them happy and they choose to lash out at those who have made another, bolder choice.

neonsofa

pickarooney wrote: »

Well, they will, albeit indirectly. It's better for the kids to see their father happy than miserable and giving up on happiness. The latter is a **** situation and far more damaging to the children in the long run.

Saying 'everything is perfect... except the sex' is like saying 'I'm in perfect health... apart from the terminal cancer'.

Exactly, better to be from a broken home than in one. He was obviously unhappy if he felt the need to leave. Whether the reason was purely due to a lack of sex or not.

It's sad to see some people saying that an intense sexual spark always fades after a year or so. That really isn't always the case- even with stressful jobs and home life etc.

kerryjack

The man obviously loves himself, if he could turn around fast enough he probably would ride himself.