boyfriend said something awful

LegacyUser · 12-07-2016 03:24PM #1

myself and my boyfriend are together four years and practically live together, we have lots of arguments but most of the time get on really well and he tells me how much he loves me at least twice times a day thats why i was shocked on Saturday when we were out with our friends another couple he said he would have never have got me if he knew what i was like he had only around 5 pints or less at the time my friends didnt know what to say and i was in such shock i just changed the subject i am furious when i asked him afterwards he just said sorry and he didnt mean anything by it, im seriously upset and have being off with him since.

batmanrobin · 12-07-2016 06:52PM

A few drinks in him or not, what an incredibly hurtful thing to say.

Have you tried speaking to him about it? You say you argue a lot, do you think he might want out of the relationship? Have you talked about marriage or kids? Have there been any other issues like this?

I'd be having a serious talk with him about it.

Clampdown · 12-07-2016 07:20PM

How can you be getting along most of the time and yet also having lots of arguments? I don't think it can be both.

The good news is he probably doesn't really mean that, but the drink can make people say mean things. Unfortunately I can pretty much guarantee this won't be the last time he gets nasty to you when drinking. When someone has a tendency to do that they will continue to do it and the only way not to have it happen is to not drink.

I would advise you tell him how much it hurt you and suggest a cooling off period, let him see if he really would prefer to not have you in his life. A short separation to see how you both really feel can really be a good thing to do before you start living together etc.

mada82 · 12-07-2016 07:25PM

Isn't that a normal joke comment couples make? Along the lines of "I'd have got less for murder" when saying you are with someone X amount of years?

Hemerodrome · 12-07-2016 09:36PM

mada82 wrote: »

Isn't that a normal joke comment couples make? Along the lines of "I'd have got less for murder" when saying you are with someone X amount of years?

Couples who have been married for years and are from a generation that viewed marriage quite differently to a more modern interpretation, not couples who are together 4 years and not sufficiently committed to even be actually living together. It also wasn't said using any of the supposedly funny comparisons you've cited, just plain regret expressed in a clumsy and horrible way.

OP, personally I'd demand an honest answer about why he said that and I wouldn't be fobbed off with "just a joke" or "didn't mean anything by it" or any dishonest rubbish like that, it's too cutting a statement and will stick with you if you don't address it.

PressRun · 12-07-2016 09:43PM

mada82 wrote: »

Isn't that a normal joke comment couples make? Along the lines of "I'd have got less for murder" when saying you are with someone X amount of years?

Usually I'd agree, but the fact that it sounds like the friends who were present found it a bit awkward would suggest that it at least didn't come off to them as one of those little jokes between couples.

littelady · 12-07-2016 09:51PM

I would think your bf said it in a joke sense and he crashed and burnt and rather than say of course only joking he decided to leave it. It wasnt nice but I expected from your header he was abusive I bet your over reacting let it slide.

FortySeven · 12-07-2016 09:53PM

I need to get out more. I'm starting to believe everyone else has perfect relationships where nobody ever does or says anything wrong.

Op. He apologised, it's not that awful. These things happen in life.

Alf Veedersane · 12-07-2016 09:57PM

It's the kind if thing that can be said in jest or in seriousness.

Have said something similar myself to herself but I've known it was received as the joke it was meant as.

Wouldn't say it in front on friends though.

But ultimately if you think it's awful then just ask him about it. If he says it was meant as a joke, it's up to you whether you accept it and move on, say you accept it but let it summer away as resentment festers or just call shenanigans and say g'luck.

But that's down to you.

mada82 · 12-07-2016 10:24PM

We are only hearing one side of the story. Perhaps the other couple got awkward when the saw the OP get offended.

Another option could be it was a passive aggressive dig due to a recent row.

I somehow doubt your BF chose that situation to drop a hint he wants out.

retro:electro · 12-07-2016 10:48PM

My boyfriend said something similar to me yesterday around my family but it was totally in jest. My mother has been asking him to do a lot around the garden lately and she said to him "I bet you'll run out of here after today and never come back (laughs)" boyfriend says "sure I've wanted to do that for a while now maybe now I have an excuse". We all laughed. It was a joke and that's just his type of humour. It all depends on the context of the conversation op and maybe he just made a misguided comment intended to be taken it jest but then it just got awkward when nobody laughed.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 11:06PM

It's all to do with context. It could be an offensive thing he said, or it could've been an attempt at humour. I'd be far more concerned with your opening line to be honest " We have lots of arguments but most of the time get on really well". How often do you fight?

tupenny · 12-07-2016 11:53PM

Being honest I think you're overreacting. I can understand how it might bother you but it depends on yer dynamic I guess.
Have a chat with him and explain how and why it made you feel as you do?,I'm no expert but that's what I'd do.
I think it'd be more worrying if it was said while you weren't there

LegacyUser · 13-07-2016 12:03AM

iamsad28 wrote: »

myself and my boyfriend are together four years and practically live together, we have lots of arguments but most of the time get on really well and he tells me how much he loves me at least twice times a day thats why i was shocked on Saturday when we were out with our friends another couple he said he would have never have got me if he knew what i was like he had only around 5 pints or less at the time my friends didnt know what to say and i was in such shock i just changed the subject i am furious when i asked him afterwards he just said sorry and he didnt mean anything by it, im seriously upset and have being off with him since.

You seem very sensitive its was obviously a joke

LegacyUser · 13-07-2016 09:22AM

Thanks for the replys it wasnent a joke he said it in a serious way and he said it twice as he wanted my friends to react, that's why I found it hurtful.

Xterminator · 13-07-2016 02:15PM

i have said several times to my wife 'there's murderers in the joy who got shorter sentences than me', when we discuss our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary.

its banter in my case and in the context of a good & secure relationship.

i see the comment ; but cannot tell what the context is, it was said in. It could simply have been a bad joke. But it could be a symptom of a very serious relationship issue that is brewing.

I dont know that a stranger on the internet can be much use to you without better understanding the context it was said in.

Lady is a tramp · 13-07-2016 02:25PM

To me it sounds like a jokey throwaway comment, and totally normal in a healthy relationship ... however none of us know him, if that's not his usual sense of humour I can see how you'd think it was meant nastily.

My gut feeling though is that you're reading waaaay too much into it!

batmanrobin · 13-07-2016 06:25PM

Iamsad28 wrote: »

Thanks for the replys it wasnent a joke he said it in a serious way and he said it twice as he wanted my friends to react, that's why I found it hurtful.

Have ye spoken about it since? How are things between you?

I've always been of the opinion that if you want the truth get a few drinks into someone or get them angry. That's when people say what they really do feel but can brush it off as being drunk or being angry.

4 years into a relationship that seems to have lots of arguing, I wouldn't see it as a joke. Perhaps it's time to have a conversation about your relationship. Are you both genuinely happy in it?

KikiDee · 13-07-2016 06:53PM

Iamsad28 wrote: »

Thanks for the replys it wasnent a joke he said it in a serious way and he said it twice as he wanted my friends to react, that's why I found it hurtful.

OK OP, you need to put the big girl pants on and address this with him. Personally, I can see how it was said. Lord knows I've made similar comments in past relationships myself. The point is, you're hurt by what he said, regardless of if it was said in jest or not. And that's what you need to address with him.

Eimee90 · 13-07-2016 09:43PM

My boyfriend does this all the time, op, even to my parents, "ah sure I'm stuck with her now", I love it though, I know him and know he loves me. It's just a joke between us. I do it too

LegacyUser · 13-07-2016 11:11PM

If it was a joke I would have laughed and so would my friends he wanted to go into detail why but I was so shocked I had to change the subject and my friends didn't know which way to look we were in the middle of a serious conversation at the time.

FizzleSticks · 14-07-2016 12:18AM

This post has been deleted.

Roastchicken · 14-07-2016 06:27AM

Are you 100% sure he wasn't just saying it for a laugh, even if he might have made a hash of it?

Sapphire · 14-07-2016 11:28AM

He said it on Saturday and you still had the hump about it on Tuesday evening even though he apologised the morning after? I can see why you fight a lot.

Start communicating with him and stop holding grudges over non-issues. This is what is feeding your arguments and the root of your insecurity where its got to the point he can barely make a light-hearted joke but you take it up wrong and are still sulking three days later.

Your friends didn't laugh because you bristled at the joke. Because they are your friends they were hardly going to be disloyal and laugh at a joke that evidently upset you. They probably assumed you both (yet again) had had a row and hadn't resolved it by the time you went out.

If you continue along this vein and manage to stay together, you are going to become that couple that should have split years ago and who make passive aggressive digs at each other all night and ruin the atmosphere for everyone else.

Your subsequent posts adding information really only add to the view that you'd rather keep going with this train of thought that he did something deliberately insulting rather than accept that he had a few pints, made a quip that fell flat and which he apologised for as soon as you told him it upset you. Which is more important to you, being right on this or resolving it?

mada82 · 14-07-2016 12:19PM

Sapphire wrote: »

He said it on Saturday and you still had the hump about it on Tuesday evening even though he apologised the morning after? I can see why you fight a lot.

Start communicating with him and stop holding grudges over non-issues. This is what is feeding your arguments and the root of your insecurity where its got to the point he can barely make a light-hearted joke but you take it up wrong and are still sulking three days later.

Your friends didn't laugh because you bristled at the joke. Because they are your friends they were hardly going to be disloyal and laugh at a joke that evidently upset you. They probably assumed you both (yet again) had had a row and hadn't resolved it by the time you went out.

If you continue along this vein and manage to stay together, you are going to become that couple that should have split years ago and who make passive aggressive digs at each other all night and ruin the atmosphere for everyone else.

Your subsequent posts adding information really only add to the view that you'd rather keep going with this train of thought that he did something deliberately insulting rather than accept that he had a few pints, made a quip that fell flat and which he apologised for as soon as you told him it upset you. Which is more important to you, being right on this or resolving it?

Spot on in my opinion.

batmanrobin · 14-07-2016 02:38PM

Most people are ignoring the fact that she's saying he said it seriously and wanted to go into detail. It's largely irrelevant that people in happy, healthy relationships are saying it's just a joke and for her to not be so sensitive. Not exactly helpful advice.

OP, you feel he was serious when he said it. You're the one who is hurt by it. You really need to examine your relationship and sit down (the two of you) and make sure you're both still on the same page in terms of wanting to be in this relationship.

If he said he was joking and he's sorry then only you can determine whether you're willing to forgive and forget.

If you're not, then I'm not seeing much hope for the relationship. If he wasn't joking, again, not much hope for the relationship.

You said you two argue a lot - that's not how most healthy relationships go. Maybe it's just run its course.

Ye do need to talk things out and not just about his comment but about the arguing too.

Augme · 14-07-2016 05:33PM

Sapphire wrote: »

He said it on Saturday and you still had the hump about it on Tuesday evening even though he apologised the morning after? I can see why you fight a lot.

Start communicating with him and stop holding grudges over non-issues. This is what is feeding your arguments and the root of your insecurity where its got to the point he can barely make a light-hearted joke but you take it up wrong and are still sulking three days later.

Your friends didn't laugh because you bristled at the joke. Because they are your friends they were hardly going to be disloyal and laugh at a joke that evidently upset you. They probably assumed you both (yet again) had had a row and hadn't resolved it by the time you went out.

If you continue along this vein and manage to stay together, you are going to become that couple that should have split years ago and who make passive aggressive digs at each other all night and ruin the atmosphere for everyone else.

Your subsequent posts adding information really only add to the view that you'd rather keep going with this train of thought that he did something deliberately insulting rather than accept that he had a few pints, made a quip that fell flat and which he apologised for as soon as you told him it upset you. Which is more important to you, being right on this or resolving it?

Tbh you have absolutely no idea if it was a joke or not. To claim that it was 100% a joke and she's over-reacting strikes me as being pretty foolish. she knows her boyfriend and his sense of humour, no one else here does so if she didn't think it was a joke I'd be far inclined to believe that.

seamusk84 · 15-07-2016 08:09AM

The man had a few beers on board and just said something off the cuff. That's what we do and we regret it afterwards.
If you keep pushing him on this it will make things a lot worse and only end badly. I know this from a lot of experience.
Get an honest and sincere apology from him and leave it at that would be my advice. A proper apology that he really means and where you make sure he understands how upset it made you feel.

maggiepip · 15-07-2016 08:39AM

Maybe he was annoyed with you over something else, or worn down because maybe you'd been having more arguments than usual, combined with the drink he just came out with that, but at the same time didn't exactly mean what he was saying, if you get me.

Your not married, no kids (from what I gathered from your post anyway), so splitting up would be less complicated that it would be for some. What I'm getting at is its not like he has to stay in the relationship, bit he's not leaving is he?

I believe you that he wasn't just messing, but he also didn't mean exactly what he said either. I think its symptomatic of some things within your relationship that he's unhappy about. Things you could probably rectify, if you're willing to communicate with him and have some very honest discussions.

One thing that will never ever ever get you anywhere, is the passive aggressive silent "Im pissed off with you" treatment. You need to approach this in a grown up, fair and productive manner.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-07-2016 08:49AM

Right, so you're convinced it's not a joke. So what now? Dealing with it by being "off" is going to get you nowhere. To be honest, that comment you made at the start about you arguing a lot is something that you should be taking seriously. Is this your first relationship? It's not the norm for most people. If you stay together and have children down the line, do you think it's fair to bring them into a home where mum and dad fight a lot. My parents rarely argued (in front of us anyway) and the occasions when they did stick out in my mind because they were horribly uncomfortable situations for me to witness. My best friend in school grew up in a home where her parents didn't get on too well and she confided in me that it upset her as well. Where do you argue? Nobody wants to be near a bickering couple. Nobody. Not your friends, not your neighbours, not people on the street. Grow up and either learn to act like an adult or leave this relationship because you're incompatible.

batmanrobin · 15-07-2016 08:55AM

maggiepip wrote: »

What I'm getting at is its not like he has to stay in the relationship, bit he's not leaving is he?

I wouldn't read too much into him not leaving. An alarming amount of people stay in relationships that are long past their prime, abusive or even ones where they are hugely unhappy. The unknown is too big a fear for them.

The one very obvious thing though is neither of them are happy at the moment with things.

HS3 · 15-07-2016 09:04AM

You need to him, if you haven't already. If he was serious then you need to stand up for yourself and value your worth. You can't have a boyfriend say something that about you and mean it.

Even if it was a joke as others were saying it was obviously not easy to tell. I'd still have to say something. I had a friend the last year tell me the most hurtful things I've ever had someone say to me. He would rationalise it and make what he said seem like a fair point but it's only now I realise I actually didn't deserve half of what he said.

If a boyfriend is saying he woukd never have got with you if he knew what you were like, he doesn't see the best of you.

Sapphire · 15-07-2016 10:48AM

Augme wrote: »

Tbh you have absolutely no idea if it was a joke or not. To claim that it was 100% a joke and she's over-reacting strikes me as being pretty foolish. she knows her boyfriend and his sense of humour, no one else here does so if she didn't think it was a joke I'd be far inclined to believe that.

You could be right.

So what's your advice on how the OP should handle it if it was not a joke then? Because currently her strategy of not talking to him for three days is not working out very well for either of them.

Edit; that sounds confrontational of me and was not intended that way. If it is that he feels its appropriate to start picking out her flaws on a night out in detail in front of friends, then what options does the OP have to resolve it, if any?

If he is not joking, it indicates someone who is comfortable making her look bad to her friends so why would anyone want to be with someone like that?

LegacyUser · 15-07-2016 03:47PM

one thing that im shocked about here is all the replys saying its not ok to argue i taught every couple had fights im not on about big fights every day maybe something small once a week its healthy it cant be all smiles and sunshine all the time

Tigger99 · 16-07-2016 08:26PM

I dunno I'd find an argument every week very tiring. Have you spoken to him instead of second guessing yourself?

Ursus Horribilis · 16-07-2016 08:52PM

imsad28 wrote: »

One thing that I'm shocked about here is all the replies saying it's not OK to argue. I thought every couple had fights. I'm not on about big fights every day, maybe something small once a week. It's healthy. It can't be all smiles and sunshine all the time

What a strange way to think. Yes, all couples have arguments but I certainly don't see having one a week as a healthy thing or indeed as a prerequisite for having a good relationship. No relationship is smiles and sunshine all the time but it shouldn't be fights either. You said ye argue a lot so either you think it's a wonderful thing or you're backtracking on it now.

More importantly, did you sit down and speak to him about this like an adult? It seems funny that for a woman who likes to have arguments and presumably to have your say, you appear to have dealt with this in a passive aggressive way.

maggiepip · 16-07-2016 09:07PM

Totally agree with the above. One proper argument on a weekly basis gets very draining. Theres a lot of negative emotional feelings stirred up with arguing, and often a sign of lack of tolerance from either one party or both. Having very regular arguments does not necessarily clear the air, but rather blows silly things up to a negative mess.

Sapphire · 16-07-2016 10:13PM

imsad28 wrote: »

one thing that im shocked about here is all the replys saying its not ok to argue i taught every couple had fights im not on about big fights every day maybe something small once a week its healthy it cant be all smiles and sunshine all the time

Most people I know fight rarely - like a couple of times a year they might fall out to the point where one/both are hurt and avoiding conversation with each other for a day or so. The only couple I know that snap at each other about once a week and always have done have had a really rocky marriage, are both miserable and on the brink of divorce. Oh, and their kids have psychological issues stemming from their home environment.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-07-2016 11:12PM

Just to add: These arguments you have - who starts them? And more to the point, what on earth are you arguing about? Have you and your boyfriend ever had a conversation about all this arguing? Maybe he was trying to tell you, in an obtuse sort of way, that he's tired of these weekly arguments. What in god's name are they in aid of anyway? A bit of drama?

Typer Monkey · 17-07-2016 08:26AM

My husband and I never argue. We've had differences of opinion on occasion but we've never, not once, raised our voices at each other, called each other names or ignored each other for periods of time. I'd hate for our children to live in that kind of hostile environment, it must be very damaging. You don't sound very compatible OP and I'd be concerned that you think a weekly row is normal. Did your parents behave like that? As the poster above asks, what on earth are you rowing about on a weekly basis

eviltwin · 17-07-2016 08:35AM

Yeah I'd agree with the general consensus that weekly arguments are not normal. It's rare I have an argument with my partner, disagreements yes but they are minor and are sorted out quickly. You both sound very young and inexperienced and maybe you like the drama but it's not normal or healthy to feel this way. I'd also be curious as to what is happening that a weekly argument is even possible. Who is instigating them?

Penny Tration · 17-07-2016 08:49AM

OP, weekly arguments are not normal and absolutely not healthy. My boyfriend and I have had two arguments in three years and even then, there was no raised voices or name calling.

Have you witnessed or been in relationships with frequent arguing before this one? Because I'm wondering what you experienced growing up to believe that it's healthy to argue so much. it's really not.

All that aside, what do you get from your relationship? How does it enrich your life? Are the good times worth the seemingly frequent bad times?

Big Bag of Chips · 17-07-2016 11:06AM

Some people seem to spend their lives bickering, and it doesn't affect them. Like Jack & Vera Duckworth!!

I couldn't cope with the constant threat of a silly weekly row. Can I ask what are the fights over? Are they even relevant? Are they recurring? As in, do you fight over the same topic over and over? Who usually starts the row? Who's usually the first to get the hump over things? Think about it honestly. You will have your faults in this relationship, just as much as your bf has his. So you need to be honest with yourself about how much you contribute to the overall atmosphere in the relationship. I think it's time to have a grownup chat with your bf. Maybe with a few drinks it was half said in jest, with an edge of truth to it. Being honest, before you got together with your bf if you had been told that every week for the rest of your lives you will fight over something... Would you still say "Great! Sign me up". If you were in a group of friends and very regularly fought with one of them would you be happy in the group? If you were having a weekly row with someone you work with, would you think that was normal?

Regardless of whether the rows are big or small constant bickering and disagreement and pulling against each other on every day stuff is draining. Maybe that's what your bf is hinting at. If he had known the relationship was going to be such hard work, he might have thought twice about starting it. I think that's reasonable (maybe not reasonable to say out loud in front of friends though). You think that amount of fighting in a relationship is normal, maybe he doesn't.

Think about your behaviour first. Think about how you react to situations. Think about some of the most recent fights and how they started. Did he do something not quite to your liking (didn't load the dishwasher properly??!!) Did you give out about it? At the end of the day did it actually matter whether or not it was/wasn't done exactly to your liking? I'm just using that as an example. But it's something to think about. Does he pick on small things you do, that don't matter in the grand scheme of things? It seems you are now both in the habit of just rowing over things that might not be worthy of the fight.

Think about it. Talk to him. See can you stop the loads of little fights, and save the arguing for the important things. The thing about constant fights over nothing is it then weakens the argument when it is really needed.

leggo · 18-07-2016 11:39PM

It sounds like a bad attempt at a joke (I can't imagine why else he'd say it around your friends looking for a reaction) that's perhaps rooted in more serious issues that hit a nerve. Tbh, I'm not criticising you, but it's a tiny, tiny thing to bring to boards and question your relationship over. So is this a case of there's bigger issues at play or do you think you're overreacting somewhat? Why don't you write a bit about your relationship as a whole and maybe it'll help clear your head and we might be able to pick up on some suggestions as to what the real problem is?

boyfriend said something awful

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