Help, I'm going to be a dad, haven't a clue

LegacyUser · 14-05-2008 08:39AM #1

Hi folks,
Over the weekend my g-f test positive in a home pregnancy test.
Thats great, its a priviliage to be granted the honour of parenthood, I will dedicate myself to being the best father / daddy its possible for me to me, that is something I am very serious about, parenthood is the most important role a person can ever have.
Whats the problem then ...
This !
I was brought up by an uncle, he didnt really want me around, never, from day 1 he resented me existance.
I haven't a clue how to rare a child or be an effective parent,.
I want to be the best dad in the world, but I fear I'll be useless. To tell the truth , I was really an orphan and had no loving parenting, no guidance from a father, nothing...
I have bee a lost soul really.
So ...
I'm asking for help , some magic words of advise, I am asking for you to help me give my child what i never had, and as I never had that I am not really sure what exactly to ask for or how to word this properly, its a little sad maybe, but maybe a lot of good can come out of this post.
Thank you.
All correspondance will be treated with the utmost secrecy and total respect
Thank you

seamus · 14-05-2008 09:03AM

Well, congratulations first off.

I've no kids myself yet, but you should take solace in the fact that everybody, regardless of their upbringing, goes into parenthood pretty blind. Nobody is a born parent and it's all a learning process. While there are plenty of people who have younger siblings and may know the practical basics of changing nappies and keeping everything locked in high presses, that's only the bare surface of being a parent.

The emotional part, the "being a Dad" is something which I understand is a constant learning process, even when you're in your fifties and all your kids are married and moved out.

The fact that you're looking for advice on how to give your kid something that you never had, means that you already are giving that child just that - a loving parent.
Some actual parents will probably come along with practical advice, but all I can give you is this - take parenting classes to learn some of the practical stuff. It'll put your mind at ease and give you a chance to meet other new Dads and Mums. And when your child arrives, look to your friends (and siblings if you have any) for support and advice.

RedXIV · 14-05-2008 09:04AM

This isn't too hard OP, you say you never had a strong parental image in your life so what do you think you missed out on? make a list and then use that a reference to help you raise your kid.

Being a good parent probably isn't the easiest thing in the world but remember, very few people in life get any kind of training or manual as to how to do it. Alot of it will be instinct. especially in us primative males, baby is crying = quick, how do i stop it.

You sound like you care alot about the kid so you already have most of the work done.

oh Congrats by the way aswell

NextSteps · 14-05-2008 09:09AM

They don't come with a manual and it's a learning process for every new parent! You know the most important thing already - it sounds like you already love the baby and want to do right by it. Like Seamus said, do a parenting course, read some books, most importantly talk to your girlfriend and between you discuss how you want to rear this child. Congratulations!

MarkR · 14-05-2008 09:14AM

Congratulations. Having a dad doesn't necessarily prepare you for being one. Just get stuck in. Most of "being a dad" at the early stages is feeding, changing, and holding. And we can all do that if you put the time in.

Gone West · 14-05-2008 09:18AM

You will be fine.
The fact that you care enough and are worried about it even now shows that you are on the ball.

Otacon · 14-05-2008 09:37AM

Unreg12345678 wrote: »

I want to be the best dad in the world, but I fear I'll be useless.

That's exactly why you'll be a great dad.

Most of the physical/monetary/real stuff is relatively easy (if you have a decent job that is), supporting the child, buying clothes, food, changing nappies, go to football games...

The emotional side is where a lot of dads fall down. But the above quote gives me confidence that you'll be fine.

Congrats too.

Redpunto · 14-05-2008 09:38AM

Congrats to you and your GF:) For the mo try not to worry so much bout thole the whole "being a parent thing". Its amazing what you can do when ya have to. At the mo try and concentrate on the GF as shes going through a hell of a lot of stuff with the hormones, etc. Youll be a great dad because you want to be.

Femelade · 14-05-2008 10:17AM

First of all Congrats to you and your girlfriend.
When expecting the first child in any family there is often that sense of "oh jesus, i dont know the first thing about babies!"
Just do everything your uncle didnt.
Alot of it is common sense, keep your child away from danger, care for him/her, lots of hugs and kisses..
Feed and change..thats about the size of it really.
You'll be fine!! you'll be surprised at how many things will come natural to you.

Spud83 · 14-05-2008 10:49AM

Just one thing dont forget there is a parenting forum on boards. Give that a look and try become an active member.

kmick · 14-05-2008 11:06AM

There is no magic formula and to be honest mums are great with babies. All you have to do is be available to do whatever is asked of you for the first year or so which will include bottles, washing, nightfeeds, babysitting while mum goes out shopping or with frinds to cinema (probably wont happen in first 6 months anyway). Volunteer to do weekly shopping, maybe you babysit on sat or sun morning while mum has a lie in, maybe you take on some of the washing - just small things. In the first month if you can make and freeze dinners - curries, spag bol, casseroles etc so there are ready dinners.

After 12+ months babies become more interested in their dads (My son is 14 months now). Around this time you can step up and have walks in the park, playgrounds, zoo. Its great fun and they change totally every two weeks after 12 months.

Dont worry too much about getting it all right. If my wife ever has a problem she uses a website called rollercoaster and posts a question on their boards, Maybe tell your gf about this. You can join a group of people at the same stage as you and lots of people experience the same things. Also she got a book called 'What to expect in the first 12 months'. It was invaluable maybe buy it for your gf.

Good luck.

Agent Smith · 14-05-2008 11:16AM

Congrats!

100gSoma · 14-05-2008 11:27AM

Congratulations OP. Your post alone shows that the attitude you have to parenthood is the first step on the path to being a great parent. I salute you and encourage you to have more confidence in your abilities to raise a child with all the things you may have missed. I think you'll do great man. Seriously.

Overheal · 14-05-2008 11:44AM

Unreg12345678 wrote: »

I'm asking for help , some magic words of advise, I am asking for you to help me give my child what i never had

I think therein lies your secret answer. Speak to your inner child sir. Try and remember what you dreamed of as a kid. What you wanted out of a father figure. The role of any good father is to try and give their sons what they never had themselves and to pass on life lessons.

and of course: congratulations!

Oryx · 14-05-2008 12:12PM

Magic words? Well maybe not, but hopefully the following might help.

Realise that no-one ever goes into parenthood truly prepared.
Trust your instincts when it comes to your child.
Allow yourself to make mistakes, you are learning after all.
Above any other consideration, once you love this child and have their well being at heart, you wont go too badly wrong.

Lots of luck with it all, from your post you sound like you will be a great dad.

towel401 · 14-05-2008 12:21PM

run while you still can

Glowing · 14-05-2008 12:37PM

towel401 wrote: »

run while you still can

Yeah that's helpful.

Congrats OP!

marti101 · 14-05-2008 12:43PM

kmick wrote: »

There is no magic formula and to be honest mums are great with babies. All you have to do is be available to do whatever is asked of you for the first year or so which will include bottles, washing, nightfeeds, babysitting while mum goes out shopping or with frinds to cinema (probably wont happen in first 6 months anyway). Volunteer to do weekly shopping, maybe you babysit on sat or sun morning while mum has a lie in, maybe you take on some of the washing - just small things. In the first month if you can make and freeze dinners - curries, spag bol, casseroles etc so there are ready dinners.

After 12+ months babies become more interested in their dads (My son is 14 months now). Around this time you can step up and have walks in the park, playgrounds, zoo. Its great fun and they change totally every two weeks after 12 months.

Dont worry too much about getting it all right. If my wife ever has a problem she uses a website called rollercoaster and posts a question on their boards, Maybe tell your gf about this. You can join a group of people at the same stage as you and lots of people experience the same things. Also she got a book called 'What to expect in the first 12 months'. It was invaluable maybe buy it for your gf.

Good luck.

Yes im a member of RC its a great site and the members tell it like it is.Like you i was an only child and never changed a nappy in my life,so when babs made an appearence it comes naturally you will find yourself doing things automatically withoutt thinking and also your gf is very lucky to have a bf who is willing to do his share,but at the minute spoil your gf cause when babs comes you wont have the time

Beruthiel · 14-05-2008 01:44PM

Unreg12345678 wrote: »

I haven't a clue how to rare a child or be an effective parent

Look around you. There are plenty of people out there with no clue how to bring a child up and more to the point, seem to care less about it.

The fact that you actually care, means you'll do great. I mean that, it's all about your willingness to do your best.
At the start, none of us have a clue, we learn as we go. If I didn't know something, I asked those who might.

I also did a Parenting course when my daughter was 2, best thing I ever did, it sould be law imo and everyone who has a child should be made do one.

Take it one step at a time.
There is a parenting forum on this site, it may be of great help as you go along.

Congrats and best of luck!

niavie · 14-05-2008 01:48PM

Sounds like you have everything covered. You WANT to be the best dad you can be and thats the important part. Your bound to be nervous, its a whole new adventure for you and your girlfriend. Congratulations and best of luck!

Iago · 14-05-2008 02:02PM

I became a father at 16, the advice my dad gave me at the time was simple

"no matter what else is going on in your life, or how snowed under you are, remember that your child is your no1 priority"

Although the advice is simple, it's really hard to deal with in reality. Especially if you're young when you become a parent, the demands of friends and your own selfishness are hard to battle against. Sacrificing your nights out or some of your dreams for the greater good of your child isn't easy, you can do it, and even be happy about doing it afterwards but it's tough.

Ultimately the fact that you want to be a good father will hold you in great stead, just remember to put your child first and you'll never go far wrong.

Nevyn · 14-05-2008 02:10PM

There are plenty of books out there and there is a parenting forum here on boards and there are other parenting sites as well, you won't be doing this in a vacum.

Yes there is a huge learning curve but that is the same for every set of new parents.
So congratulations.

Beruthiel · 14-05-2008 02:44PM

towel401 wrote: »

run while you still can

Read this forums charter before you get yourself banned.
B

JuliusCaesar · 14-05-2008 05:39PM

UB wrote: »

They don't come with a manual

But there are loads of books out there. I found one in particular excellent for 0 -5, then got another for later years. (single parent here)
Also talking to other people v v useful. It can be hard - two years of waking twice a night nad hold down a full-tiime v responislbe job - but it can be done, and it's done for love. There is no love you'll ever have that compares to the love for children (your own - still not that keen on other peoples' kids!)

Congratulations & I'm sure if your intentions are good and you take the advice here, you'll be fine. And remember we all make mistakes ..... but we try not to repeat them.

Help, I'm going to be a dad, haven't a clue

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