Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

amybabes · 29-04-2009 12:39PM

Depuy lady wrote: »

No Sean my family did not take the burden of walking the floor with my baby, I don't live with my family. I live in my own house.

may i ask how u managed to have your own house, finish your degree and pay childcare costs??

p.s hats off to u for managing the way u have

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 12:47PM

Amy,

I had my one parent allowance and child benefit money to get me through college, I was placed on the co - op placement after I had my dd so this got me work experience for my cv and once I finished college I started working straight away. Ive worked constantly since 2006 until Jan this year when I was left go. I was off work for 2 months and I was lucky to have been offered a job in a good company. Im back working now a month. Every decision I have made along the way has been thought through carefully with my dd in mind. I must add that the college I was in are very good with single parents too. I also always have the love and support of my family. I guess Im just very determined to do well in life

irelandrover · 29-04-2009 12:52PM

I think the guy is to be commended. He is still around. He is a bit withdrawn at the moment but that must be expected with the shock he has received. He is talking about not doing his degree which shows he wants to be around for the child. It is a very tough situation and I don't think anyone would know how they would react unless they were in the situation themselves.

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 01:02PM

Hurtgirlfriend wrote: »

Well it takes two so it's not all his fault and I just feel like maybe I am trapping him after I assured him I wouldn't want a baby either and talked him round to getting the fear of getting me pregnant out of his head and now its happened and I'm doing the opposite of what I assured him.

It took two to have sex and two to agree as to what to do if you got pregnant, but it only took you to break that agreement, betray that trust and condemn him to indentured servitude. Of course, you are perfectly within your rights to change your mind on the subject, but you expect him to share the burden, pay the price for your choice.

So yes, you have trapped him. Even now, your only concern is to "bring him roound", his actual feelings are not even an afterthought. It's disgusting.

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 01:16PM

The Corinthian wrote: »

It took two to have sex and two to agree as to what to do if you got pregnant, but it only took you to break that agreement, betray that trust and condemn him to indentured servitude. Of course, you are perfectly within your rights to change your mind on the subject, but you expect him to share the burden, pay the price for your choice.

So yes, you have trapped him. Even now, your only concern is to "bring him roound", his actual feelings are not even an afterthought. It's disgusting.

+1 especially the "bring him round" part.

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 01:19PM

ellie1 wrote: »

I am directing that at everybody condeming the op. There is always a risk of pregnancy.The simple fact is if you dont want to run the risk of pregnancy and be financially responsible for the next 18years, dont have sex, that applys for both male and female.

This is an awfully convenient maxim that I see bandied about all over the place; and it has absolutely no meaning or application to the real world.

I don't want to get horrifically maimed in a traffic accident - but I still get on the bus every day.

I don't want to suffer brain damage from oxygen deprivation after choking on food lodged in my throat - but I still eat.

I don't want to fall into the sea and drown - but I'm still going for a walk on the pier later.

And I don't want to get pregnant at this time in my life - but I still have sex.

You can't live your life not doing things in case the worst happens. We'd never leave the house in that case. Sex is not an optional, wreckless pastime, it's an important part of a functional relationship for a lot of people. You might as well say "If you don't want to get tonsilitis then it's ok not to kiss your partner". It's a ridiculous, specious argument.

What matters here, OP, is that you said one thing and did another. I'm not denying your right to choose what you do with your life and the life growing inside you - but you have no right to decide what your boyfriend does with his life. You cannot expect him to suddenly change his mind just because you did. I think you need to start facing up to the reality that you may have to have this child without him.

barbiegirl · 29-04-2009 01:29PM

There are a lot of people being very hard on the OP here. They were in a 2 year relationship, that involved sex. I have in the past seen a post here with "my girlfriend won't have sex cause she's scared she'll get pregnant" and the general concensus was that whilst it is always a risk if you are careful, hopefully it won't happen, and lots of talk as to how "to talk her around".
Now despite taking all the precautions, she is pregnant. No matter what one says in advance you cannot make the choice on an abortion until you are actually pregnant and faced with the decision. That is what Pro Choice means, the freedom to make a choice, and the OP has made hers.
Was it planned? No. Who cannot walk away no matter what decision is made, abortion, adoption, keeping it? That would be the girl because she is the one with a life inside her and whatever her decision this baby is real to her, and the ramifications of any decision will hit her hardest.
The guy can walk away, the child isn't real to him yet, with most dads it isn't until minimum the scan but sometimes, til they actually hold it.
OP if you think you can get through this as a couple great, but to me it seems he has a basic lack of trust in you, he feels betrayed, so the chances aren't great. Make this decision for you, he will either be there or not.
Let him calm down, discuss things with family and friends and if you are both still at home, and have the support you can both still have your plans, education etc. I know many people who have.
This is a big change to both of your lives. If he is there fantastic, if he's not prepare to bring this child up alone, and for the sake of the child don't let this disintegrate into a slagging match. Best of luck.

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 01:30PM

And I don't want to get pregnant at this time in my life - but I still have sex

And if you do get pregnant, you and your partner will have to deal with the consequences and have a baby, abortion or adoption together.
Because people who choose to have a sexual relationship run the risk of getting themselves or another person pregnant.
Unless of course you have a plan b in case contraception fails then you will have an abortion if this is what you have preplanned in this case.

My point was that whether you are on the pill and using condoms there is always a risk of pregnancy. And preplanning for an abortion as if its like car insurance(like just in case) is absolute nonsence. And any man or woman who would actually agree to this really need to see sense as men or women just dont know how they are going to feel if they fall pregnant.

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 01:37PM

barbiegirl wrote: »

That is what Pro Choice means, the freedom to make a choice, and the OP has made hers.

A woman's right to choose, a man's right to pay.

You gotta love the double standard. Can we have the vote back?

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 01:38PM

ellie1 wrote: »

My point was that whether you are on the pill and using condoms there is always a risk of pregnancy. And preplanning for an abortion as if its like car insurance(like just in case) is absolute nonsence. And any man or woman who would actually agree to this really need to see sense as men or women just dont know how they are going to feel if they fall pregnant.

The issue here is the fact that she is forcing him into accepting her choice - it doesn't matter what the agreement was or what the choice is. What if they'd planned to HAVE the baby if she got pregnant and after the OP got pregnant she decided she didn't want to and went off and had an abortion, even though her bf said no? Would that be ok? I don't think so.The fact is, he is not obliged to accept anything other than what they agreed to do in the first place.

If the OP had said when trying to convince her bf to have sex "I could never have an abortion, if I get pregnant I'm keeping the baby", do you think he would have had sex with her? No, they'd have broken up.

I'm not saying that she should terminate her pregnancy because she said she would, I'm saying that the boyfriend has as much right to not want anything to do with the baby that he told her he didn't want as she does to decide to keep it. Just as the boyfriend cannot force her to have an abortion, she cannot force him to be a father.

prinz · 29-04-2009 01:41PM

shellyboo wrote: »

This is an awfully convenient maxim that I see bandied about all over the place; and it has absolutely no meaning or application to the real world.

Actually it has a lot of meaning and is applied by many, many people the world over for a variety of reasons. And yes it is very convenient......... no PI's about unplanned pregnancies and the drama associated with that.

This is going to just take time. There is no way to magically 'bring him round' to suddenly liking the idea. It took two to get into this hole, it's going to take two to work out how to get out of it and to move forward.

On a side note, the grandparents-to-be have a lot to answer for imo.

29-04-2009 01:43PM

prinz wrote: »

On a side note, the grandparents-to-be have a lot to answer for imo.

Because...?

irelandrover · 29-04-2009 01:44PM

Unregistered wrote: »

The one person who is the most important here is the baby, the you then him. He is freaking out bigtime and you dont need a child like that around so if i was you i would give him a wide birth, and focus on you and the baby. You know what you want and you need to go for that.

This is the kind of thing i have a problem with. Why is the rights of the mother here worth more than the father. He was very responsible in my opinion. Made it very clear his feelings. They reached an agreement. both were equal all the way. Now that she is pregnant his opinion means a lot less. In fact he has no rights whatsoever except the right to just accept her decision and pay maintenance when the baby does arrive.

29-04-2009 01:46PM

ellie1 wrote: »

And if you do get pregnant, you and your partner will have to deal with the consequences and have a baby, abortion or adoption together.
Because people who choose to have a sexual relationship run the risk of getting themselves or another person pregnant.
Unless of course you have a plan b in case contraception fails then you will have an abortion if this is what you have preplanned in this case.

My point was that whether you are on the pill and using condoms there is always a risk of pregnancy. And preplanning for an abortion as if its like car insurance(like just in case) is absolute nonsence. And any man or woman who would actually agree to this really need to see sense as men or women just dont know how they are going to feel if they fall pregnant.

I fail to see how the boyfriend is in the wrong here. He was reluctant to have sex, they both agreed to abort if she got pregnant and now shes changed her mind. Of course she has the right to change her mind but he also has the right to walk away. I wonder if she wanted to have an abortion and the boyfriend was urging her to keep it if the responses would be the same?

prinz · 29-04-2009 01:46PM

Hurtgirlfriend wrote: »

We still both live at home but he would spend nearly every night over at mine and now when he does he either sleeps in the spare room or if he does sleep in my bed he won't even hold or cuddle me anymore which is killer .

bluewolf wrote: »

Because...?

Don't you suppose they could have foreseen this exact scenario and discussed it with the OP and her boyfriend?

29-04-2009 01:47PM

prinz wrote: »

Don't you suppose they could have foreseen this exact scenario and discussed it with the OP and her boyfriend?

They are two grown adults using contraception, beyond that the parents have no business discussing it with them until if/when the couple speak to them about it. If they choose to let them sleep in the same room that's fine, but they have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever.

Stheno · 29-04-2009 01:48PM

shellyboo wrote: »

The issue here is the fact that she is forcing him into accepting her choice - it doesn't matter what the agreement was or what the choice is. What if they'd planned to HAVE the baby if she got pregnant and after the OP got pregnant she decided she didn't want to and went off and had an abortion, even though her bf said no? Would that be ok? I don't think so.The fact is, he is not obliged to accept anything other than what they agreed to do in the first place.

If the OP had said when trying to convince her bf to have sex "I could never have an abortion, if I get pregnant I'm keeping the baby", do you think he would have had sex with her? No, they'd have broken up.

I'm not saying that she should terminate her pregnancy because she said she would, I'm saying that the boyfriend has as much right to not want anything to do with the baby that he told her he didn't want as she does to decide to keep it. .

+1

Just as the boyfriend cannot force her to have an abortion, she cannot force him to be a father.

She can force him to provide financially for the child through court ordered/enforced maintenance until the child is min. 16 years of age.
That's a pretty significant financial burden for anyone who was not expecting it.

prinz · 29-04-2009 01:52PM

bluewolf wrote: »

They are two grown adults using contraception, beyond that the parents have no business discussing it with them until if/when the couple speak to them about it.

So when she says 'my boyfriend is going to be staying over in our house every night'.......... the parents have no business bringing up contraception/pregnancy etc.......?? Frankly I see it as irresponsible if they did not.

29-04-2009 01:53PM

prinz wrote: »

So when she says 'my boyfriend is going to be staying over in our house every night'.......... the parents have no business bringing up contraception/pregnancy etc.......?? Frankly I see it as irresponsible if they did not.

They were USING contraception. Perhaps the parents did or did not know.
It is NOT their responsibility past that point. These are adults over the age of majority, not children.
Were they living somewhere else they might still have ended up with her pregnant. It still wouldn't be the parents' responsibility then and it isn't now.

29-04-2009 01:54PM

prinz wrote: »

So when she says 'my boyfriend is going to be staying over in our house every night'.......... the parents have no business bringing up contraception/pregnancy etc.......?? Frankly I see it as irresponsible if they did not.

If they are adults, it has nothing to do with the parents.

Rb · 29-04-2009 01:55PM

ellie1 wrote: »

This is very harsh and unkind. The op trapped the her bf because he has a degree and wants to do something with his life. She may also want to do something with her life. And even if a baby is the only thing the op has going at the moment, how dare you imply that it is in someway worthless.

I think that came across the wrong way, I didn't mean it as "He is/could be successful, you're not so you probably trapped him to ensure he remains in your life". I simply meant that from the OP, I took it that her emphasis on the degree meant that she herself didn't have one and that among her/his peers, such a degree would be very highly regarded. Or, at least, that's how I interpreted it. Following on from that, what I meant was that if she is indeed 21 with no degree, then a pregnancy may give her life more "meaning" or if she's in the 9-5 workforce, a break from the routine/something "exciting" and therefore be a factor in her decision to pursue the pregnancy.

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 01:56PM

prinz wrote: »

Actually it has a lot of meaning and is applied by many, many people the world over for a variety of reasons. And yes it is very convenient......... no PI's about unplanned pregnancies and the drama associated with that.

Should have known you'd be on my back over that one prinz

I fully support anyone's choice to practice abstinence as a form of contraception - after all, it IS the only 99.999999999% effective method of preventing pregnancy. (The Virgin Mary throws off the percentage, very unfortunate :pac:).

However - to say to someone "too bad, you got pregnant, you shouldn't have been having sex if you didn't want a baby" is akin to saying "too bad, you're fat, you shouldn't eat if you didn't want to be fat." In foresight, saying "I'm not going to have sex to avoid pregnancy" is perfectly logical. In hindsight it just has no meaning.

It's beyond stupid. There are ways of having sex without getting pregnant. I've been doing it effectively for about 8 years now. What I'm objecting to is the attitude that if you have sex, you're somehow not allowed to be upset, sad, confused or unsure when an unexpected pregnancy happens. This Holy Catholic Ireland attitude of "well you brought it on yourself, tsk tsk, sinful behaviour". It's sickening.

Life is risk. You take your life in your hands getting in the shower in the morning, walking out the door, getting in the car. We're not rolling our eyes at drowning victims saying, "oh well if you're going to insist on swimming...", are we? So why all this condemnation of the OP's boyfriend for doing something completely and utterly natural? Procretation is no longer the only purpose of sex. We need to get our head out of the clouds in this country and be realistic about that.

/rant

:pac:

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 01:56PM

nouggatti wrote: »

She can force him to provide financially for the child through court ordered/enforced maintenance until the child is min. 16 years of age.
That's a pretty significant financial burden for anyone who was not expecting it.

18 years of age actually and 23 if in full time education. If the child is disabled he will have to pay for the rest of its life. Additionally the child will now have inheritance rights which will affect the inheritance rights of any future family he may have, not to mention his existing next of kin.

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 01:57PM

If the OP had said when trying to convince her bf to have sex "I could never have an abortion, if I get pregnant I'm keeping the baby", do you think he would have had sex with her? No, they'd have broken up.

You do not know this for a fact.

I'm not saying that she should terminate her pregnancy because she said she would, I'm saying that the boyfriend has as much right to not want anything to do with the baby that he told her he didn't want as she does to decide to keep it.

I agree. Its more likely that he will calm down and is in shock. He may decide that he does want to be in this childs life or he may choose not to be.

Just as the boyfriend cannot force her to have an abortion, she cannot force him to be a father.

I agree. If you read my posts you will see that i have said he can walk away and the op may expect this. And because he choose to have sex which resulted in her getting pregnant, he will have a financial responsibility.

My point remains to all male and female, pre planning to what one would do if contreceptives failed is out and out stupid..in fact its beyond stupid. Its absolute crap..you never know how one is going to feel. The bottom line is the child is in the womans body so therefore the choice is ultimatly hers. It may be unfair. She can choose to have the baby and the man can choose to walk away.

prinz · 29-04-2009 01:57PM

bluewolf wrote: »

They were USING contraception. Perhaps the parents did or did not know.
It is NOT their responsibility past that point. These are adults over the age of majority, not children.
Were they living somewhere else they might still have ended up with her pregnant. It still wouldn't be the parents' responsibility then and it isn't now.

I know they were. However contraception can fail, as an real adult could have told them. Given that they were using only one form frequently.Oh, and responsible parenting does not stop when your child reaches 18. Something the OP will come to realise in time.

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 02:01PM

prinz wrote: »

I know they were. However contraception can fail, as an real adult could have told them. Given that they were using only one form frequently.

They were using two forms, one of them infrequently. The girl was on the pill, and they were ALSO using condoms sometimes. Sheer bad luck that she got pregnant. Could have happened to a "real adult" too.

MIN2511 · 29-04-2009 02:01PM

Wagon wrote: »

I'm going to look at this logically. And very honestly.

No actually, he didn't. He didn't intend to get her pregnant and he took all proper precautions.

So you made an agreement on what to do...but then

And what...you just expect him to go along with the idea??

He's right! you both decided on what to do if it ever happened and you both agreed to it and suddenly you changed your mind!?

You need to look at the facts here. he didn't want to have sex because he didn't want a child. you talked him around to the idea and then he agreed but had a long talk explaining his side and you both agreed to a solution. Just because you are pregnant doesn't give you the right to call all the shots. It's his life too. he's put it on hold for this child as well but you both agreed to something and then you just decided that it wasn't important when it happened! that's not on at all. if you want the baby, fine. but don't expect him to stay around just because you suddenly say so.

have you actually warmed to the idea? or do you just not want to get an abortion? if it's a case where you dont want to go through an abortion (which is fair enough and i can understand that) then consider adoption.

Totally agree with this, tbh.

SarahSassy · 29-04-2009 02:07PM

barbiegirl wrote: »

No matter what one says in advance you cannot make the choice on an abortion until you are actually pregnant and faced with the decision.

OP my heart goes out to you because you are getting a serious lambasting here and very little constructive advice…

I think the truest words said are above and no one unless they have been in the position could say how they could react once pregnant.

If your bf was so adamant that he didn’t want to get you pregnant then he should have stuck to his guns and abstained and / or used condoms 100% of the time. You fulfilled your side of the bargain by pumping hormones into your body eeach monthe whereas he decides to have his cake and eat it and agree that if you were to get pregnant that you tidy up ‘the mess’. He didn’t take into account the future implication of an abortion on your future fertility and also the mental and emotional strain it could put you under. I don’t think you realised at the time either….

You do have a long road ahead either with or without him and if you don’t think you can manage alone, and it’s likely he wont be of any help, then consider adoption in due course.

Best of luck to you and remember this forum can be used for people to vent frustrations which have nothing to do with you personally.

29-04-2009 02:08PM

shellyboo wrote: »

They were using two forms, one of them infrequently. The girl was on the pill, and they were ALSO using condoms sometimes. Sheer bad luck that she got pregnant. Could have happened to a "real adult" too.

The pill is highly effective and supposed to be used as a sole form of birth control. There is nothing irresponsible about relying on it. I use both because Im paranoid but I wouldnt blame anyone for getting pregnant on the pill (obv unless they were one of those tools who thinks missing a few pills now and then is grand, I mean people who use it properly)

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 02:08PM

I simply meant that from the OP, I took it that her emphasis on the degree meant that she herself didn't have one and that among her/his peers, such a degree would be very highly regarded.

You presumed. Maybe she is in college. I personally wouldnt view a degree as being highly regarded in this day and age. A masters maybe

Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

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