Don't want to be in relationship anymore?

LegacyUser · 26-08-2009 10:43AM #1

Just looking for some impartial advice here

Got together with my gf when I was 21 and she was 26. We moved in together after a year, my first real relationship. For the first 2 years or so it was great, I was so happy with her and enjoyed my life. As time has gone on I think my feelings have started to change. I feel frustrated that my life is so closely linked to someone elses and find myself getting annoyed with her a lot of the time for nothing. I'm starting to feel I've lost control over my own life and worrying that I've missed out on learning who I am by myself and how to take care of myself and be independant. Is that unreasonable?

I'm starting to resent not being able to come and go as I please without having to check in with someone to account for every second, or stay up a little late on a work night without someone constantly reminding me that I should go to bed, being told I have to visit the "in-laws" when I'm not in the mood or feeling obliged to spend so much time with her when I just want to be alone with my thoughts sometimes. From silly little things like wishing I had a bed to myself because I've always found sharing uncomfortable but did it because I knew it was what she wanted, to big things like not being able to visit my family down the country whenever I feel like it, I'm starting to think that I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore, with her or anyone else for that matter. I just want to see what it feels like to be just me again.

So does it sound like I'm being a selfish asshole or was I just not ready for a relationship in the first place? Or a bit of both? I have no idea how to deal with this or what I should do, I can't bear the thought of hurting her but not sure I can bear to go on like this either.

VaioCruiser · 26-08-2009 11:45AM

unreg_OP wrote: »

So does it sound like I'm being a selfish asshole or was I just not ready for a relationship in the first place? Or a bit of both? I have no idea how to deal with this or what I should do, I can't bear the thought of hurting her but not sure I can bear to go on like this either.

Hi OP. To be totally honest it sounds to me like this relationship has long run it's course and you are seriously in need of the freedom of singledom.

None of us wants to hurt our partner after sharing a lot of love and time with them. But we are hurting them far more by staying in a false relationship and living a lie. if you still care for her then start preparing to leave and break it to her straight out, like a man. She will probably be devastated but she will recover and later realise that you did her a favour. Try not to say you have been feeling like this for too long a time, or it will make it worse...as she will think you have been lying to her for a long time...

All the best

Gyalist · 26-08-2009 12:24PM

OP, all relationships are temporary. The only variable is time.

Seems like yours has run it's natural course and you recognize that you need to end it. If you feel that way it is not fair on the woman to string her along.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2009 01:13PM

Yup, you need to get a move on.

It sounds like you were too young to get involved in this situation. As she's probably wround the 30 mark now, you really should break up now rather than later. No matter how hard it is, it sounds like you two are on very different roads.

in two minds · 26-08-2009 05:39PM

I'm starting to think that I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore, with her or anyone else for that matter. I just want to see what it feels like to be just me again.

I am actually going to take a different approach here..

Through learning a bit about different personalities and the dynamics of the different stages of relationships, as i am going through my own marriage crap at the moment, i have come to realise this..

If one person feels trapped in the relationship, feels he isn't free to live the life he pleases or do the things he wishes to do, feels he always has to ask permission for things, wants to be free of all responsibility, this could be more to do with your own mindset then the actual relationship. For example i remember my husband being invited on a stag weekend away and telling me he replied 'sounds good' to the mail but thinking to himself there is no point in even asking. I told him not to pre-empt my replies and to go and book his flights. He was shocked.

Therefore if you do love her you could both analyse where the problems are and work at becoming 'interdependent' of each other, reaching compromises about your individual social lives and life choices. The best of both worlds so to speak. Thats if you do have strong feelings for her after you strip away all of the grievances you have with being in a relationship.

I obviously don't know much about you from your post, but just bear in mind if it is a mindset thing then you could go from relationship to relationship and still feel the same way after a couple of years. Still feeling like a child so to speak, rather than an equal adult.

Just a different perspective..

LegacyUser · 26-08-2009 05:50PM

in two minds wrote: »

Still feeling like a child so to speak, rather than an equal adult.

OP here, that sums up exactly how I feel.

I do sometimes worry that the problem is all me and if my head was in the right place and I was able to stand up for myself I'd be happy. I've always had low esteem and find it really hard to tell what's reasonable and what's unfair in a relationship. This one is the only experience I have.

If I try to argue or assert what I want I always end up feeling silly or selfish and unable to make my point. I can't figure out if that's me being bad at communicating, her being controlling. She told me to tell her if anything is bothering me, but when I told her I wanted to talk about some of the issues I've been having with our relationship she immediately reacted with a defensive "WHAT?", scowled at me as I explained to her how I've been feeling, then told me I was being selfish talking about me, me, me and I should be thinking as a couple now. I have no idea which of us was right, or wrong or both in that arguement.

My honest instinct is that I just don't love her anymore, I don't especially look forward to spending time with her anymore and sometimes wonder if I didn't see her or speak to her for a week or 2 would I miss her at all.

estar · 26-08-2009 07:11PM

i think that you are now in different places. you want to be free-er and who wouldnt want to be at your age. personally i think that 21 for many is too young to settle down and be livng with someone. what about house shares, travel, staying up late, making friends and even a bit of partying. at 28 your GF probably wants to settle down nest while you are 23. its only a 5 year gap but what a gap! either your GF gives you a break and understands that you are young and still want to explore life, or you have to change something. why are ye living togehter? why not try living apart and see if that gives you some time to explore life. then perhaps you will stay together in the long term.

just a thought. altho your GF may not like this at the start, as it is a step back.

in two minds · 26-08-2009 09:24PM

unreg_OP wrote: »

OP here, that sums up exactly how I feel.

I do sometimes worry that the problem is all me and if my head was in the right place and I was able to stand up for myself I'd be happy. I've always had low esteem and find it really hard to tell what's reasonable and what's unfair in a relationship. This one is the only experience I have.

If I try to argue or assert what I want I always end up feeling silly or selfish and unable to make my point. I can't figure out if that's me being bad at communicating, her being controlling. She told me to tell her if anything is bothering me, but when I told her I wanted to talk about some of the issues I've been having with our relationship she immediately reacted with a defensive "WHAT?", scowled at me as I explained to her how I've been feeling, then told me I was being selfish talking about me, me, me and I should be thinking as a couple now. I have no idea which of us was right, or wrong or both in that arguement.

You will definitly have to work on the assertiveness issue, my husband is the very same and its caused all manner of problems now, and thats after being together for over 12 yrs. She will have to learn to listen and accept her part in whats wrong between you both. How old are you both now OP?

My honest instinct is that I just don't love her anymore, I don't especially look forward to spending time with her anymore and sometimes wonder if I didn't see her or speak to her for a week or 2 would I miss her at all.

Well thats one sure way to find out OP. Maybe suggest some time apart and assess your feelings, and as another poster said maybe you should even consider living apart, so you can have time for yourselves as individuals, and then your time together would be more focused on the two of you as a couple.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2009 10:20PM

I'm 25, she's 30. I've thought of asking her for a break but reading other threads here people seem to see it as just a cruel and cowardly way to prolong a break-up and I honestly couldn't guarantee how I'd feel after being apart for a few weeks. We've seen each other almost every day for the last 3 years, I almost don't know what it's like not to be around her anymore. I don't where I begin and she ends if you know what I mean.

We're living together because I was too young and foolish to know what I really wanted back when she asked me to move in 8 months into the relationship or whatever it was. Now I feel out of my depth and have no idea how to change things. To think she was older than I am now when we met, of course we were in different places. I asked her recently if she could see herself wanting to get into a long-term relationship back when she was 21, and she said "yes" which I honestly found a bit odd and it set off some alarm bells in the back of my mind.

I really like the idea of us living apart again, I think it would do me the world of good and totally change how I feel when with her while also having my own breathing space. But I can see how it would be viewed as a big step backwards rather than forwards in our relationship and again I don't have the communication skills to explain why I feel it could benefit us long term. I know what you're saying about not pre-empting responses but I just know she would not react well to this idea because she didn't understand or agree with other suggestions I made to try to feel more independant (like letting me do my own laundry for a while instead of having someone to step in and do it for me if I slack off, she didn't understand why I felt it would be important for me to learn to do it completely for myself)

in two minds · 27-08-2009 07:52AM

unreg_OP wrote: »

I'm 25, she's 30. I've thought of asking her for a break but reading other threads here people seem to see it as just a cruel and cowardly way to prolong a break-up and I honestly couldn't guarantee how I'd feel after being apart for a few weeks. We've seen each other almost every day for the last 3 years, I almost don't know what it's like not to be around her anymore. I don't where I begin and she ends if you know what I mean.

We're living together because I was too young and foolish to know what I really wanted back when she asked me to move in 8 months into the relationship or whatever it was. Now I feel out of my depth and have no idea how to change things. To think she was older than I am now when we met, of course we were in different places. I asked her recently if she could see herself wanting to get into a long-term relationship back when she was 21, and she said "yes" which I honestly found a bit odd and it set off some alarm bells in the back of my mind.

I really like the idea of us living apart again, I think it would do me the world of good and totally change how I feel when with her while also having my own breathing space. But I can see how it would be viewed as a big step backwards rather than forwards in our relationship and again I don't have the communication skills to explain why I feel it could benefit us long term. I know what you're saying about not pre-empting responses but I just know she would not react well to this idea because she didn't understand or agree with other suggestions I made to try to feel more independant (like letting me do my own laundry for a while instead of having someone to step in and do it for me if I slack off, she didn't understand why I felt it would be important for me to learn to do it completely for myself)

i see where you're coming from OP, that does sound smothering. I can understand that she may kick off when you suggest moving out, but you could say it doesnt have to be forever, and really when it comes down to it what would she rather? Living apart or breaking up? I think she will eventually get over it. If you find her not willing to listen or answering back when you begin to explain your feelings then you should probably write the words you need to say on paper and hand them to her.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2009 11:23AM

You're right, at this stage I think I'm willing to risk a big arguement or a break up rather than continue to feel so trapped and smothered. I think it'll either come down to taking a break, living apart again or breaking up completely if she can't accept either of those ideas as a means to give me the space I need to figure things out. If she reacts in that same aggressive, defensive, accusing way is that a bad sign or just her expressing her hurt? I don't know how I'm going to bring this up though because as far as she's concerned everything is ok since our last attempted talk/arguement.

VaioCruiser · 27-08-2009 12:36PM

unreg_OP wrote: »

You're right, at this stage I think I'm willing to risk a big arguement or a break up rather than continue to feel so trapped and smothered. I think it'll either come down to taking a break, living apart again or breaking up completely if she can't accept either of those ideas as a means to give me the space I need to figure things out. If she reacts in that same aggressive, defensive, accusing way is that a bad sign or just her expressing her hurt? I don't know how I'm going to bring this up though because as far as she's concerned everything is ok since our last attempted talk/arguement.

You need to lay it out for her in a calm and positive way. Tell her it just isn't working out. Tell her it's your fault. Tell her you wish it was different and you hate hurting her, but you have to be honest, for her sake as well as your own.
Let her get upset, that's ok. Let her vent. It's ok too. Don't be pulled into arguing. Let it settle down. Then let her absorb it for a period before you start preparations.

All the best.

in two minds · 27-08-2009 12:48PM

VaioCruiser wrote: »

You need to lay it out for her in a calm and positive way. Tell her it just isn't working out. Tell her it's your fault. Tell her you wish it was different and you hate hurting her, but you have to be honest, for her sake as well as your own.
Let her get upset, that's ok. Let her vent. It's ok too. Don't be pulled into arguing. Let it settle down. Then let her absorb it for a period before you start preparations.

All the best.

+1

If she reacts in that same aggressive, defensive, accusing way is that a bad sign or just her expressing her hurt?

That is coming from her hurting inside, but either way she cannot subject you to too much of that, as you are doing this for both of you. You cannot keep quiet for fear of her kicking off forever. My husband did and we are in all sorts of trouble now. But his case is slightly different as he never asserts himself to anyone. If you put up with this unhappiness now and dont deal with the cause of it it will come back to bite you on the ass at some point further down your relationship, and if by then you are married with kids etc it can cause a lot of unnecessary hurt. Do assert yourself OP. I wish you the best of luck and do keep posting.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2009 02:13PM

When you say to let her absorb it for "a period" VaioCruiser, are you talking hours or days? I don't know how I could possibly stay in the house after saying something like that to her, would it not be terribly awkward? This would all be so much easier if I'd never moved in with her in the first place. As suggested above I have written out a letter saying more or less what you suggest, which I can either paraphrase or hand to her if/when I decide to go through with this.

I am not assertive in any aspect of life, or good at expressing my feelings, and it is a big problem for me. I have real difficulty dealing with people and it gets me very down. My gf tries to encourage me but I'm not sure if she makes it better or worse sometimes. She'd tell me I should talk to x or that it would be good for me if I did y, but that just adds more pressure because I then have her expectation too. Or like the example I gave above when literally all I said was "You asked me to say what's on my mind so I want to talk to you about a few things that are bothering me" and she immediately reacted with a scowl and a defensive "WHAT?", making me wish I'd never opened my mouth. She tells me she wants me to be open and honest with her but reacts like that when I try it??

I sometimes feel it would be easier to work on my problems if I felt completely free to be myself and didn't have to worry about keeping someone else happy all the time.

VaioCruiser · 27-08-2009 07:51PM

unreg_OP wrote: »

When you say to let her absorb it for "a period" VaioCruiser, are you talking hours or days? I don't know how I could possibly stay in the house after saying something like that to her, would it not be terribly awkward?

Yes. I think it would be best said on a day when you have plans to go to anyway... to a game or a visit to family etc. She can stay in and absorb the impact and implications. BUT ... (see my further comments at the end) make sure you give yourself lots of time for unexpected stuff to come up. Give yourself 90minutes or two hours.

This would all be so much easier if I'd never moved in with her in the first place.

if if if if..... :rolleyes:

As suggested above I have written out a letter saying more or less what you suggest, which I can either paraphrase or hand to her if/when I decide to go through with this.

Excellent idea.. it collects all of your points and you can give a quick look over before you talk. Don't hand it over instead of talking ...

this is something you have to do yourself .. you owe it to her OP.

I am not assertive in any aspect of life, or good at expressing my feelings, and it is a big problem for me. I have real difficulty dealing with people and it gets me very down. My gf tries to encourage me but I'm not sure if she makes it better or worse sometimes. She'd tell me I should talk to x or that it would be good for me if I did y, but that just adds more pressure because I then have her expectation too. Or like the example I gave above when literally all I said was "You asked me to say what's on my mind so I want to talk to you about a few things that are bothering me" and she immediately reacted with a scowl and a defensive "WHAT?", making me wish I'd never opened my mouth. She tells me she wants me to be open and honest with her but reacts like that when I try it??

I am sure she is just trying to help. It is good to have support from someone who pushes us a bit in life. However only you can say if this push is helping or not. Would you REALLY do something about it if she wasn't pushing a little ?

As far as her reaction goes OP ... look ..... who ever said to us that life was going to be easy ? Life sucks sometimes... life is a bit*h sometimes. There are moments in life where we just have to take a deep breath and dive in. Some things just have to be done. YOU have to do THIS.

Even as I say all of this we need to remember that this conversation, if you give it your ALL.... may be very very constructive and cathartic. You may be surprised by her response. It may not be what you expect ... be open to alternatives, suggestions.... whatever.

I sometimes feel it would be easier to work on my problems if I felt completely free to be myself and didn't have to worry about keeping someone else happy all the time.

This is the kind of thing you have to open up about ...

Best of luck..

LegacyUser · 28-08-2009 09:15AM

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Even as I say all of this we need to remember that this conversation, if you give it your ALL.... may be very very constructive and cathartic. You may be surprised by her response. It may not be what you expect ... be open to alternatives, suggestions.... whatever. QUOTE]

You're right! I ended up starting a big arguement last night but this is more or less what happened.

I explained (badly) how I've been feeling and that it was starting to reach boiling point for me, and after lots of accusations and tears we both admitted there were areas we'd been falling down on (my communication, her controlling and lack of giving me space). We made an agreement to set some new boundaries and each work on our problem areas. I feel a lot better than I have been recently and I'm going to see how things go for a while to see if they really can change. I wish I knew for sure that something will come of this and that I won't just be back to square one in a few weeks because the problem could be more fundamental than this, but at least there's hope now and I finally spoke up for myself a little. At worst at least she won't be as surprised if I feel I need to change our circumstances again in future.

Don't want to be in relationship anymore?

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