Trust

LegacyUser · 06-02-2010 2:34pm #1

Hi Im going unreged for this so sorry.
Ive been married 20 yrs to a woman that I love with all my heart, she beautiful, funny, just alround great. We met up when we were in our teens and have been together since. We have 2 teenage children that we both love to bits and they are our world.
A number of issuse have arose during our time together, from the time we got engaged we told eachother that both of use had been abused, myself it was very minor and ive come to blank it out of my mind, for her she was repeatedly sexually abused but a number of people in her family and it has in some way destroyed her and I'll always be there for her.

About 9 yrears ago my wife started in a new job, she loved it, through herself into it as she does and was very happy with it. She got very friendly with a couple of younger girls in the job and started to go out nearly every weekend with them, I didnt mind but then the nights became longer and she came home falling about the place from drinking too much. One night I got a gut instinct that something was wrong and woke up feeling very uneasy, I went downstairs to make a coffee and had a look outside and noticeda car down the road with 2 people in the front seat, one was my wife and the other a black male they were kissing after about 10 mins she arrives through the front door shocked to see me up but blind drunk. It broke my heart i wanted to confront her on it there and then but decided against it until the morning.
The following day she is dying on the chair from the previous night and I confront her on the goings on and what I had seen. She vaugly remembers getting dropped home. So I told her what i had seen and she was in shock that I was "Spying on her". Later that day she confessed that she had kissed him and she met him in a club that night, she also told me she had kissed 2 other guys on differant occosions. To be honest my world collopased. Everything we had worked through was shattered, my trust in her gone. I asked her eventually what had made her do it and she said she didnt know, she just liked the male attention. Attention that I was giving her. She has since left that job and is no longer friends with the girls all by her own choice. We worked hard to try and get back on the rails and in some way we did.

Fast forward to 3 yrs ago and roughly the same thing again where she is on a night out with the girls from work and I get a phone call from an anomous person to our home phone telling me that my wife is playing around. I ask her about it and she tells me she kissed one guy on a night out. After all the hard work we had done over the last few years was gone and we were back to square one again. I asked her for the two of us to go councilling but she declined as she said her abuse would be brought up in the councilling and she didnt want that. So I went for myself and it was ok.

Our home life at the moment is pretty ****, when she does go out even with her sisters it's in the back of my mind that she's up to something stupid I know but thats me.
Our intimitcy has gone she no longer wants hugs or kisses and she feels that Im "a horny bastard" now dont get me wrong when we do have sex which is very very seldom about once every 2-3 months and on her terms it's good but I find she's only doing it to please me. And when I try to bring up the subject of sex it's "here we go again" . Ive suggested weekends away, sexy underwear, meals, even watching some porn together which we used to love doing. But Im met with the usual no.
But if one of her friends rings her or txts her she's up and about getting ready and out.
Am I wrong in feeling theres no trust left here or can anyone through some light on what to do. Id like some female input if it's possible.
Thanks for reading through it

Angus Og · 06-02-2010 5:13pm

"I asked her for the two of us to go councilling but she declined as she said her abuse would be brought up in the councilling and she didnt want that."

She hasn't gotten over what happened to her. The last thing she needs is sex. You will have to try to get her to see someone.

Catari Jaguar · 06-02-2010 5:54pm

Angus Og wrote: »

"I asked her for the two of us to go councilling but she declined as she said her abuse would be brought up in the councilling and she didnt want that."

She hasn't gotten over what happened to her. The last thing she needs is sex. You will have to try to get her to see someone.

Doesn't seem to prevent her from slutting around with strangers :rolleyes:

Op, you're miserable. She has ALL the control in this relationship yet she is totally in the wrong! She won't accept help, that's completely selfish.

You need to get out of this "marriage" and be happy. Your kids are grown. Start thinking about yourself, god knows she is. How many chances will you give her? Do you really want to continue like this? When will it end?

Angus Og · 06-02-2010 6:15pm

That sounds like an easy way of putting it, but women who have been sexually abused as children often have problems with sex later. And in this case, she was abused by a "number of people in her family".

What do you think that does to a person? A lot of what we learn as humans is taught to us during our childhood. I guess she learned how to pass herself around as a sex toy and so still does.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2010 6:40pm

Hi OP here, thanks for the replies. I brought the subjuect up about seeing a counciler last week as things kind of came to a head, with me not feeling anything in the relationship and se declined but said she would talk to someone!! who that is I dont know.
Angus I dont think she is having sex with anyone else I could be wrong. But god this is killing me.
Lil Kitten I dont want to end this relationship because I love her and I think leaving would not be helping her with her problem which is what I want to do.

Angus Og · 06-02-2010 6:57pm

I didn't mean to put it so bluntly. It's obvious you love her or you'd already be gone. Many men have left women behind for less.

I wouldn't tell you to leave her because I can't see how that would make your life better. When I replied I was thinking about your well-being, not hers.

I can't see how you would be happy walking away from her knowing what you know, and having spent twenty years with her. You'd just be miserable somewhere else, while she carried on destroying herself.

I'm sorry if other people don't understand, but it's just my opinion.

Catari Jaguar · 06-02-2010 7:10pm

February10 wrote: »

Lil Kitten I dont want to end this relationship because I love her and I think leaving would not be helping her with her problem which is what I want to do.

You love her and want her more because she clearly doesn't want you. She refuses help, you can't help someone that won't help themselves. If you leave it won't help, but your staying isn't helping either.

theg81der · 06-02-2010 8:34pm

Op do you think if any of the guys she`s interested in were interested she would leave? is she looking for an out? alot (most from what I`ve seen) of women won`t leave one relationship till they have another waiting. If the answers are Yes well you know its over and if its No do what ever it takes to fix your relationship.

My OH has been abused also Op so I really understand the deep psychological impact it can have especially relating to sex but cheating is cheating and its not Ok for anyone to think its Ok, your still a person and you`ve done nothing to deserve disrespect. I have to say cheating would be the point when I would stop understanding and leave.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 9:03am

Thanks allfor your comments. can I say we had a wonderful sexual relationship up until about 5 yrs ago and it was at a point where we would only have to look at each other and we would be at it. Sex is only one part of our relationship I miss the intimicy of it, like just doing small things together, not in a sexual way just a little saying that brightens up your day e.g. a txt to say "Hi babe what you up to" that seems to be gone but I still send them and get a small reply back.
I'll ask her again can we go to see someone about her issuses and I will be there for her 100% of the way as I feel we've put so much in to this for one of us to walk away I dont think we have hit "Rock Bottom" yet.
Maybe Im a fool for staying but Id like the woman that I fell in love with back. It has crossed my mind that because we met when we were in our teens she hasnt "spread her wings" and feels trapped, I dont know, I dont regret meeting her so young and she still makes my heart skip a beat when i see her.

Angus Og · 07-02-2010 10:43am

"because we met when we were in our teens she hasnt "spread her wings" and feels trapped"

That's a good point. Have you asked her about it?

From what you have said, it's obvious that openess and honesty have been at the heart of your relationship, and that's why it is so hard for you to understand her behaviour.

Does she still love you? Has she said that she is still in love with you?

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 11:42am

Yes she has told me she loves me, and Ive told her too, just something missing and I cant place my finger on it.

Angus Og · 07-02-2010 1:27pm

I don't think there is anything missing. I think that her problems have driven a wedge between the two of you. She needs help. If you still think there is something to salvage then do whatever you can to get her that help.

dammitjanet · 07-02-2010 3:32pm

I agree with Angus Og, You sound like a really good guy and she's lucky to have someone so dedicated to he, i was so glad to hear you weren't considering walking away from the relationship. It's such a difficult situation you're found yourself in but just keep working on it, it'll be hard but you'll pull through! I'll be think of you! x

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 7:42pm

Angos Ive had the same problems as regards abuse, and i know she is dealing with hers differantly. But I cant make her go to see someone, nor can I make her show me some feelings. I look at the people who done this to her and my mind goes mad yet they put a smile on their face as if nothing has happened.

I wont walk away unless she tells me too, then I know Ive no hope for her and me.
I concider myself as a fighter, Ive been abused too and come through it with some sort of life and yes it's the best I can do for my family and by god I'll fight for this woman as long as it takes me, she's worth everything. If I can I'll hold her hand through it all but some how she dosnt want me too and thats what I cant deal with.

Angus Og · 07-02-2010 8:13pm

Have you thought about seeking justice for her? Could she testify? I mean if these people see her regularly, that might be what's upsetting her.

Sorry If what I say sounds clueless. I just want to help.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 8:19pm

Thanks Angus, But for some starnge reason she's really close to these people yet she understands that these have destroyed her life strange as it my seem. So at this moment i dont think justice would be the action at this moment.

Angus Og · 07-02-2010 8:32pm

A rather long holiday together? Could you take her away, then try and talk to her?

LegacyUser · 07-02-2010 8:52pm

Ive suggested weekends away and been shot down, Dont get me wrong but we are at the age where we could leave the kids alone for a week but I know the answer to it already. The most I get is a night out every few weeks and not a late one either.

Angus Og · 07-02-2010 9:54pm

How about a family holiday. Appeal to her as a mother. Maybe she's a little unsettled now that the kids are growing, and thinks they don't need her?

You are obviously good parents.

pfishfood · 08-02-2010 2:14am

Hey man tough situation. I must commend your courage to keep at it even after all youve been through. A lot of people would have left in your situation by now, i know i would have. I know youve both had a terrible time earlier in life but you dont deserve to be treated like this. Im finding it hard to understand how she has a problem with you going out for an early one while she gets drunk and comes back at all hours. Ive seen a few situations like this from time to time on relationship issues, not identical to yours but similar in this instance.

Marriage counseling may be the only way to save what you once had or confronthing the problem head on. But i think from what your saying she doesnt want to do that or will try to avoid it at all costs. I hope it works out for you and can find some happiness.

Taltos · 08-02-2010 8:32am

OP - it appears to me that you are really doing your best in this rotten situation. However - I am also picking up that you are putting this woman ahead of your own happyness.

Do you really think this is fair on you?
Look at the end of the day - we are all only here for a few brief years - and we owe it to ourselves to be happy and ideally to make someone else happy also. This does not appear to be the case in your relationship.

Clearly the abuse from her childhood has impacted her - but I have to believe we each make our own choices. She chose to cheat.
Like with some of the others above - she needs to work on dealing with the issues from her past.

But right now what is her motivation?
Sex - well she is happy enough not to have to do it.
Intimacy - sorry mate - seems like when she wants this pick up - well she goes out and picks up - knowing that you are waiting at home.
Security - well you are still there - you have not left and it does not seem you will....
Resolving her issues - in her own words - they will want to talk about the abuse - duh... what do you think is the trigger for this self-destructive behaviour?

So - why would she be motivated to help herself and save your marriage - seems like her marriage has survived all the little bombs she has planted along the way.

I'm not going to spell out what I think you should do - I am not in your marriage. But I am really hoping you can see what I am hinting at.
I don't like ultimatums. But I do believe on keeping my word...

Look - pls protect yourself here - this cannot be good for you in any sense of the word, if your self esteem and confidence are not already gone - I must guess that they are well on the way to being flushed down the crapper.
Ask yourself - if that person was in a place to really love me - would they make me hate myself as much as this?

LegacyUser · 08-02-2010 9:34pm

Thanks Taltos but I feel I have to be there for her as everyone else has let her down in her life. Today was a good day, we had a good chat about where we are in life and I told her again I'll be there for her while she builds up the courage to take the steps to councilling. I know it's going to be a long process and I know I cant force her or would I in to seeing someone.
In some ways I beleive her in whats she saying and she says she knows her life is not in a happy place now, she's not suicidal just down. She has a couple of close friends that she can trust and so do I and she asked would it be ok if she brought one of them with her to the sessions if and when she's ready and I feel it would be best.

Angus Og · 08-02-2010 10:04pm

I'm glad it's working out.

Trust

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