Need hope (dumped)

LegacyUser · 02-04-2010 11:15am #1

I just need some hope here. My gf dumped me recently. She basically got bored of me and finished things. We'd been going out for 2 years and it completely knocked me for six. I knew she was a bit unhappy because she was going through a stressful time herself (money issues, stress from college, general relationship rough patch) but I can't believe she just finished with me rather than working on things. We were completely in love, and were discussing our future together one day, but a week later she dumped me.

I can't stop thinking that this doesn't make sense, that she's just immature and gave up when things got hard. I can't believe she doesn't love me any more. The only way I can make it through the day is by thinking she'll come back to me. She said she still wants to be friends, but I'm trying to avoid contact with her in the hope that'll make her see sense and come back.

All I'm looking for here is some insight, and preferably stories about break ups where the couple ended up getting back together again. I just need to know that it happens, and it can work. I'll be seeing her in person in a week or maybe more to do the exchange of items thing. I'm hoping and praying that by then she'll be changing her mind, and seeing me will convince her she made a mistake. Please don't tell me I'm naive, or that I need to move on. I don't want to hear it, even though it may be true

. I just want to hear that she might come back to me.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2010 6:55pm

You're gonna have to play the game man. And that is, meet her sooner. Be totally cold, no display of any feelings, make sure she knows you dont want freindship or any contact whatsoever. She will get a shock and realise "**** I really have lost him". Dont beg, dont ask, dont plead. "Move on". Thats the only chance you have. You're gonna suffer till you see her and its unlikely she will "change her mind" before that. It will be after you meet up, as long as there is total no contact and she thinks youre moving on, thats your chance.

If you wanna speed up everything, tell her your busy at that time, meet up sooner, tell her no contact AT ALL. And soon enough she will regret it

Thats my two cents, good luck.

Cop · 03-04-2010 7:07am

Yep, unregraid is pretty much right. You have to cold as hell to her. Not nasty or anything like that, just don't contact her under ANY circumstances. Ignore texts or phone calls from her, for a while. If there is stuff to be given to her, or stuff you need to get from her, get a friend to deal with it all. Let her know asap that breaking up with you means she will be deprived of having you in her life, in every way possible, for good.

If after a month or two, she's not begging you back I'd be surprised and then at least you'll know, it's the genuine end of the relationship and you can move on. To be honest, the circumstances of it sound as if it was a rash decision on her part, bit of stress or whatever, and just pressed the panic button. You have to make her feel like she made a massive mistake, and the way to do it, is to ignore her and cut contact. But remember, no nastiness.

lou91 · 03-04-2010 10:32am

unregraid wrote: »

You're gonna have to play the game man.

Alternatively, you could NOT play games.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2010 10:40am

I am in the EXACT same situation!! Its crap!! happened about 2 and a half weeks ago now, and we're meeting Monday to give things back etc! All I can say is I'm tryin not to get my hopes up about getting back with him, but it really is all I want! Well done on not contacting her though, I found it very hard. The only thing I can say is that every day it has gotten easier...first few days I couldn't stop crying, like literally couldn't stop. Friends and family are what have gotten me through! So keep busy and don't get your hopes up, I know its not what you want to hear but you'll make it worse if you assume ye'll be getting back together. Fingers crossed it'll sort itself out, I'm hoping for the same thing!!

G-Money · 03-04-2010 10:55am

Judging by how much you seem to want this girl back, don't for a millisecond agree to just be friends. If you do, I guarantee it will make things a hundred times worse.

I've said it many times on here, but I don't believe in the let's just be friends thing anymore. When I was younger and naive and put women on a pedestal, I'd go along with it and all the time hoping something would happen. Some girls will say "lets just be friends" to avoid hurting a guy, other girls will say it to keep you hanging on and it gives them a little ego boost knowing you like them. They'll also lean on you for emotional support until they sooner rather than later say "Something happened last night.../I met someone last night..."

So now, when I hear let's just be friends, it's like my brain just automatically shifts into a different mode and I kind of just phase them out. I don't even think about it. I know some people might think that's not particularly nice, but why is it ok for them to get what they want, and not me? It's not fair for someone to pressure you into just being friends with them when you want to be more than that. It might seem like the mature thing to do, but often it's just plain cruel. You have to sit there and act like nothings wrong and watch them sail off into the sunset with someone else, then sit there and help them when things go wrong with this new person. It's torture and there's really no reason for it. I don't know who thought this "lets just be friends" thing was a good idea, but I've since realised it's often just a waste of time and postpones you getting over the person.

Things are going to be more difficult for you as well OP as you are clearly still mad into this girl and from what you've said, you haven't accepted that the relationship is over. I'm not saying people never get back together, but you can't hold on, hoping against hope that it will magically work out. Will you still think you have a chance in a months time when she hooks up with someone else?

If she's decided the relationship is over, just being friends is going to be torture for you. You need to look after yourself now as it's going to be tough for a while. Staying in contact with her will just destroy you, so I advise telling her you can't be friends and you want no contact. She will either accept this, or throw a fit/discreetly guilt you into agreeing with her to just be friends. Don't accept it for a minute.

Once someone decides a relationship is over, they automatically lose all rights to have that person in their lives and it's solely up to the person who was dumped to decide if they should ever be in contact again. Don't forget that, there's no exceptions to that rule, ever. You don't quit your job, go to a new job and still expect your old employer to keep paying you do you?

So like others have said, if she's genuine about this thing ending, don't bother meeting up with her again. Tell her you can't be friends, you want no contact and if she doesn't agree, just hang up/walk away.

Good luck and be strong.

Wibbs · 03-04-2010 11:11am

Cop wrote: »

Yep, unregraid is pretty much right. You have to cold as hell to her. Not nasty or anything like that, just don't contact her under ANY circumstances. Ignore texts or phone calls from her, for a while. If there is stuff to be given to her, or stuff you need to get from her, get a friend to deal with it all. Let her know asap that breaking up with you means she will be deprived of having you in her life, in every way possible, for good.

If after a month or two, she's not begging you back I'd be surprised and then at least you'll know, it's the genuine end of the relationship and you can move on. To be honest, the circumstances of it sound as if it was a rash decision on her part, bit of stress or whatever, and just pressed the panic button. You have to make her feel like she made a massive mistake, and the way to do it, is to ignore her and cut contact. But remember, no nastiness.

Pretty much, except for the cold as hell part. IMH Generally speaking women are better at reading(and faking) emotional cues than men. She simply won't believe it and if she does it'll just copperfasten her decision in her head as you won't look emotionally consistent, especially if you've been pleading with her first. Or it'll make it even easier for her to detach emotionally.

On the emotional cue front:

Dumpee wrote:

I knew she was a bit unhappy because she was going through a stressful time herself (money issues, stress from college, general relationship rough patch) but I can't believe she just finished with me rather than working on things. We were completely in love, and were discussing our future together one day, but a week later she dumped me.

I can't stop thinking that this doesn't make sense, that she's just immature and gave up when things got hard.

You may have noticed she was a bit unhappy, but you didnt see what was coming so it came as a shock. Now that's understandable as one day it was talk about the future, the next its over, but the clues were probably there. The "future" talk was probably her trying to work it out in her head, "shall I stay, shall I go" more than a specific idea of the future together. It was what she was feeling at the time too and she meant it no doubt, but at the time.

You'll notice a pattern in this forum and in real life(tm) where a very large proportion of people get dumped at the 2 or 3 year mark. More women tend to leave long termers too. The in love honeymoon period is winding down and the reality of a real long term future together is in play. Its a delicate time and IMHO a lot, if not most men miss this bit.

Again in a very general way and again IMH women treat relationships more dynamically, men treat them more as a status quo thing. They generally dont question the relationship as much, not unless there's a really obvious issue. "We really love each other so we're fine" kinda lark. IE the guy knows how he feels so assumes she feels the same. Women question it a lot more. How you're feeling about them and even more how they're feeling about you.

So you have to figure the real reason(s) for her change of heart. Now it could simply be boredom as you said, but boredom doesnt come from nowhere. She wasnt "bored" a year ago. So look really look at the why's. If they can be changed and its good for you to change them then work on that.

When you meet her be upbeat. If she mentions "being friends" dont stamp on the idea, but dont be too eager for it either. Be upbeat, look like you're starting to move on(a good plan anyway). Make it a nice encounter. Imagine the way you were when she first fell for you. That's more likely to trigger her feelings in a good way, than you looking like an easter island statue with constipation. Even if there's another guy in the background BTW(which is possible).

Men and women are pretty much identical. Individuals differ more than the gender of same, but I would say in relationships there are general gender differences. If you were a woman trying to repair a break up I'd be suggesting think more like a man, the man you're with. So as a guy I'm suggesting think more like a woman, this woman, than what you would do or what you would want.

Wibbs · 03-04-2010 12:31pm

I defo agree with grandmaster on the "lets be friends" guff. I have very very rarely encountered that line where it wasnt for entirely for selfish reasons on the part of the one feeding the dumped the line. Don't fall into that. It can only work if both have moved on.

LegacyUser · 04-04-2010 2:39pm

Thanks so much for the advice so far everyone. I'm still finding it so difficult. One day I feel okay, the next all I can think about is getting her back. I've been feeling so much over the last week that I'm just exhausted. I just want to stop feeling. Or to have her back.

I have given in a couple of times and had brief contact with her, but it's been via facebook which I think is the most impersonal way of doing it. I'm afraid that even by doing that I've pushed her further away from wanting me again. I just don't know that I can cope without her. Any time someone says "how's X", I want to die inside and I hate explaining it over and over again.

Oh, by the way, I didn't mention this in my OP because I didn't think it was important, but I'm a girl too. It seems some of the advice is dependent on me being a guy, so I'd really appreciate it if you could rephrase it for a female (especially Wibbs)

.

LegacyUser · 04-04-2010 10:47pm

Dumpee, sorry to hear about your situation. It is obvious you are very hurt and in great pain. I wish it was possible to take away some of that. I was in your very shoes last year when it hurt like hell. I know it wont be easy to get through this but I feel sure you can do it, you will do it and mostly, you should do it - for yourself.
Trying to make sense of things can be frustrating and futile. It is crushing to hear that someone who loved you once has now take that away. It is very difficult being the one who is dumped. Emotional connections are strong and deep and while your ex - gf undoubtedly prepared herself for the break up by disconnecting in the days or weeks beforehand, it is tougher for you given the suddeness and the confusion of what's happened and the situation you now find yourself in.

Do you have any real reason or hope that you two might get back together? If not, I would strongly advise against the "being friends" route either. In most cases that is a load of bull, said to alleviate some guilt or to have one's cake and eat it.

It isn't what you want to hear but I believe you have to think of yourself now. Why pine for someone who could discard you so easily? Try and get your mind around being on your own for a while. Give yourself time for this painful wound to heal. It will take some time, possibly a long time, especially after being together for a number of years. You survived and had happy times before you were together, and you will survive after, and have happy times again.

Raekwon · 05-04-2010 3:37am

Did grandmaster hit a nerve there 'seenitall'??? :rolleyes: In my experience he is right on the money!

9 times out of 10 girls will dump guys to 'experience something new and more exciting' and at the click of their fingers they will expect a newly dumped guy to suddenly respect their decision and then have the nerve to invite him to tag along on their new adventure regardless of the impact that the breakup has had on him.

I personally think it is a completely selfish act and it just goes to prove that the person who has broken the relationship up does not care about anyone but themselves. It's really that simple!

OP - you are obviously still trying to come to terms with your two year relationship coming to an end and from what you have posted you still have strong feelings for your ex. My advice would be to act as natural as you can when you meet your ex next week, try not to get too emotional and even though you probably have a load of questions for her, try not to bombard her with them all at the meeting. Also try to gage her reaction and observe her body language. From my experience when I went to a post relationship meet-up, my ex sat across from me, very calm, occasionally folding her arms and looking away from me and she seemed almost emotionless........and that's when it really hit me that it was over.

I also think you should cut contact, if not indefinitely then until you have healed emotionally and are in a place mentally where you could possibly consider seeing her as a friend. I know that it is very easy to stay in contact and get your 'fix' (you know, the jolt or excitement or butterflies in your tummy when she texts or emails you).........but the longer this goes on the longer it will take to get over her and move on in your life.

Victor · 05-04-2010 3:45am

seenitall, you might tone down your comments and make them a bit less personal.

G-Money · 05-04-2010 8:56am

Sorry to hear you are still having a rough time OP. I think you should only meet up with this girl if you are really ok with doing so. Will meeting up again change things or just re-confirm what is already the case? I'm just wanting you to avoid the situation where you end up feeling worse than you already do.

I usually advise to either stop checking the other person's Facebook page, or to delete them as a friend. I usually think deleting them as a friend from FB is better as if you keep them, it's very hard to resist the temptation to check their page. You'll probably find yourself looking at their page to see what they're at, to see if they're moving on, and to see if they've met anyone else. Plus you want to avoid that sick feeling in your stomach where you see some comment/pic that suggests she hooked up with someone.

Like others have said, the no contact thing is often the way to go. I don't see how you can get over someone when you constantly have to be around them and/or be in contact with them. It's not really fair on you and it's often unnecessary.

As I've said before, you'd never pressure someone to be in a relationship with you if they didn't want to be. So why is it ok for them to pressure you (indirectly or otherwise) into being friends when you don't want to be? The simple answer is that it's not ok.

I think you should let this girl know that you need no contact for a while. If she respects what you say, she will leave you alone until you feel ready to get in touch again, not her. How you go about telling her is up to you, but seeing she's dumped you, I don't think you need to go have a face to face discussion and talk it all out. If I were in your shoes, a text or email or something would be enough at this point as the time for talking seems to be long since gone.

Barracudaincork · 05-04-2010 9:13am

seenitall wrote: »

"Once someone decides a relationship is over, they automatically lose all rights to have that person in their lives and it's solely up to the person who was dumped to decide if they should ever be in contact again. Don't forget that, there's no exceptions to that rule, ever."

Interesting. Very enlightening, in fact. Not to mention that the overall tone of uncompromising authority of this previously unknown article of law positively gives me goosebumps. May I just venture a single question; who made YOU the rule maker of dumpee-damper relationships?

Well if there was an election for that ruler, he would have my vote! Of course its the person who was dumped rights to decide if they want to have anymore to do with that person, just as much as its the dumpers right to not want to have anymore to do with that person. How you can think a person who is dumped doesnt have the rights to solely decide what they want smacks of a controlling person!

seenitall wrote: »

However, this takes the biccie:

"You don't quit your job, go to a new job and still expect your old employer to keep paying you do you?"

Comparing paid employment with intimate relationships and friendships. Maturity, sensitivity and thoughtfulness must be your bywords. So attractive.

He didnt compare he used an analogy, big difference! Id start working on your own maturity before you share asking others too, your post was what i call a wah rant and didnt show you in any attractive light!

OP stay clear of being friends until you are over her, you will just give yourself more heartache and it will take longer to heal, cut all contact, delete as friends on facebook etc and concentrate on you and you alone, be good to yourself and be safe in the knowledge that one day this wont hurt a bit anymore and one day you will share your experience with someone else and help them on the road to recovery.

Xiney · 05-04-2010 10:54am

I've deleted seenitall's comment - please focus on the OP everyone

Wibbs · 05-04-2010 12:25pm

dumpee wrote: »

Oh, by the way, I didn't mention this in my OP because I didn't think it was important, but I'm a girl too. It seems some of the advice is dependent on me being a guy, so I'd really appreciate it if you could rephrase it for a female (especially Wibbs) .

like I said people vary more than the gender, so it doesnt really matter, unless you're dealing with someone who is very stereotypically "male" or "female".

The bit about keeping it light and easy going when you meet still works I reckon. Better than being cold anyway. Ditto for the part about figuring out what the real reasons for the split may be and if they can be changed. If you want to change, for you.

seenitall · 05-04-2010 2:23pm

Sorry if my previous post caused offence. It was more personal than it should have been (although I still stand by the general gist of it). If I had seen the mod's notice in time, I would have amended it.

Need hope (dumped)

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