garda/player reputation?

LegacyUser · 18-05-2010 12:40pm #1

I'm a bit ensure of what really I'm doing posting about this but I guess I need to vent somehow or maybe hear from people with the same experience.

Well it all comes down to dating and meet the right person! don't we all !

I'm Dutch so clearly not familiar with all the so called persona reputation and more precisely, the garda men!! I went online when I first moved here a little over a year ago for work and didn't know many people so I thought online could be a way to get it started. I ended up meeting this guy late 30s, nice and cute, looked way younger, so far I think this could be an Irish thing from my observation anyway. He showed interest in me, in a normal way, and by that I mean not chasing like everyday texting and all and after few chats we met up a couple of times since 2 months or so.
Now its early stage but he seems to not overly talk about himself, its like I have to ask questions, he, on the other hand asked me few really personal questions and really only ask me out like pretty much last minute, the day before or on the day, text me like maybe once or 2 times a week and as much as I think he is interested but unsure.I'm in no rush to get into anything too fast so the speed of things don't bother me that much but I cant be objective on the situation. I don't know if I'm just making excuses for him not being much of contact or showing more interest like text to say "how was your day" type of thing once in a while or its a case of he's just not that interested!

It seems few girlfriends I have here and few guys as well, with who I was discussing my concerns have been warning me to say the least about garda guys and the reputation there is around them...aka, players etc...one girl even say that she was dating one few months ago who was acting the exact same way, 36 and looking 25!! also last minute, not talking much about himself, responding to text 4 days later etc...making excuses of shift work and last minute crimes to go to etc.. ;-)

I am trying not to make it a generality here about those guys but it seems there is a common thread here with them to be honest.

So really again I'm not sure what I want out of posting here, maybe hearing similar experience or just to tell me what I probably already know but cant seem to see it for what it is maybe

thanks for reading.

SarahSassy · 18-05-2010 12:56pm

newbee1 wrote: »

I'm a bit ensure of what really I'm doing posting about this but I guess I need to vent somehow or maybe hear from people with the same experience.

Well it all comes down to dating and meet the right person! don't we all !

I'm Dutch so clearly not familiar with all the so called persona reputation and more precisely, the garda men!! I went online when I first moved here a little over a year ago for work and didn't know many people so I thought online could be a way to get it started. I ended up meeting this guy late 30s, nice and cute, looked way younger, so far I think this could be an Irish thing from my observation anyway. He showed interest in me, in a normal way, and by that I mean not chasing like everyday texting and all and after few chats we met up a couple of times since 2 months or so.
Now its early stage but he seems to not overly talk about himself, its like I have to ask questions, he, on the other hand asked me few really personal questions and really only ask me out like pretty much last minute, the day before or on the day, text me like maybe once or 2 times a week and as much as I think he is interested but unsure.I'm in no rush to get into anything too fast so the speed of things don't bother me that much but I cant be objective on the situation. I don't know if I'm just making excuses for him not being much of contact or showing more interest like text to say "how was your day" type of thing once in a while or its a case of he's just not that interested!

It seems few girlfriends I have here and few guys as well, with who I was discussing my concerns have been warning me to say the least about garda guys and the reputation there is around them...aka, players etc...one girl even say that she was dating one few months ago who was acting the exact same way, 36 and looking 25!! also last minute, not talking much about himself, responding to text 4 days later etc...making excuses of shift work and last minute crimes to go to etc.. ;-)

I am trying not to make it a generality here about those guys but it seems there is a common thread here with them to be honest.

So really again I'm not sure what I want out of posting here, maybe hearing similar experience or just to tell me what I probably already know but cant seem to see it for what it is maybe

thanks for reading.

Rightly or wrongly I would not be interested in getting together with a guard. I know you cant generalise but any of the relationships friends of mine had with cops ended in tears mainly due to infidelity on the PH's parts... A no go area for me.

seamus · 18-05-2010 1:13pm

Police officers the world over consistently have a high rate of infidelity than the rest of the population.

This is most likely related to the type of personality which is attracted to police work and the types of stresses and situations unique to police work. The same tendency is seen in both genders.

That doesn't mean that all Gardai are cheaters/players nor does it mean that someone is likely to cheat on you just because they're a Garda.

Unless you have a moral objection to a person's profession, then you're shooting yourself in the foot by writing them off immediately just because they're a Garda. Just treat him like any other potential "suitor".

I have a few Garda friends and one Garda in the family. They're exactly the same with their friends in terms of responding - can take ages to respond, they can disappear suddenly because they've been called to an emergency, and when they meet new people they're often cagey and slow to reveal any information - for obvious reasons.

Denimgirl · 18-05-2010 10:30pm

Just don't have anything to do with him, a guy that really likes you would contact you more than twice a week!! move on before you waste anymore of your time and get sucked into it too far!there are nice guys out there you don;t need this!

LegacyUser · 18-05-2010 10:30pm

Thank you for the point of view, however Seamus, I understand when you said they are the same with friends in matter of taking ages to get back etc..BUT sure when you start seeing someone, if it is someone you actually like I would assume garda or not that you wouldn't wait too long to make plans or get to know the person.

Sure there's garda guys and girls out there married isn't it! So it does happen that they do commit!;-) I am not denying or contradicting anything you said, you have a very good point and I am not writing him off because he is a garda but the amount of comments and sympathetic look I get the minute I say I am sort of seeing a garda (sort of as it's early and he is not showing much encouragement for early stage) well as much as I want to get to know him more the easy escape and the reputation is getting to me a little bit.

It seems they are there own little kingdom! garda super secret services or something.

I just thought for someone late 30's that these attitude would be long over, we're not 18 anymore, I imagined that anyone around that age would think of slowing down playing the field, but maybe I'm just simply too naive in this case or they just have way more option than regular guys. That and the internet I guess I got myself a trophy guy !

LegacyUser · 18-05-2010 10:37pm

Thanks denimgirl, Just posted and saw yours;-)

You are right, of course, you know it's a typical case of being really into someone and only see what we want to see.
I have tried to tell him its not enough contact for me to call it dating and he has made it so about just being busy and being called to court etc in response that I end up feeling bad almost!...typical excuses garda or not, work doesnt take THAT much that you can text or give a quick call for a couple mins.

Anyway, I will try my best to move away, wish me luck!

oldwan · 18-05-2010 10:54pm

im a female garda, tbh yes gardai have a very bad reputation. however i do believe that the younger a garda, the more chance of them cheating.

the hours we work, the closeness you get to people you work with, the younger/more junior in service you are, where you work, these are the things that would make the chances of someone cheating more so, i think anyway!!

i am over 11 yrs service now and i see the older, more service lads all settled and loving it!!

when lads/girls are young, no matter what their job there is a bit of this going on.

dont let this mans job have any influence, trust your gut instinct and not what other people tell you!!

dontbemean · 18-05-2010 11:44pm

OP, watch an episode o' The Wire for an answer to your question

SugarHigh · 19-05-2010 12:14am

There are a lot of women who really seem into guards so I think they also have more oppurtunity to cheat not to mention that they get stationed away from where they live so they might be more willing to take a risk because they will be away from home kinda like how people get more promiscuse when they go to college or go on holidays.

Sauve · 19-05-2010 12:29am

I don't think it's fair to generalise but I do understand where you're coming from - obviously it's not a typical 9-5 job. But the first thing that struck me OP, was that you're very early on in the relationship and you're already nervous about what he's up to! That alone would set alarm bells ringing for me.

TheNog · 19-05-2010 9:19am

seamus wrote: »

Police officers the world over consistently have a high rate of infidelity than the rest of the population.

This is most likely related to the type of personality which is attracted to police work and the types of stresses and situations unique to police work. The same tendency is seen in both genders.

Where did you get this information from Seamus?

Definitely dont agree with this type of personality is attracted to the job thing either.

I do agree that some people in AGS do cheat but it cannot be said or implied that all are cheaters.

Gardai also have a high rate of alcoholism, suicide and earlier than usual death rates. The GRA through their own studies found that many members die within 5 yrs of retiring

Alot of this hopefully will be somewhat reduced through new policies of peer support and counselling which are encouraged within the job. In times gone by when a Garda experienced an especially terrible scene they were told to have a few pints and forget about it.

That doesn't mean that all Gardai are cheaters/players nor does it mean that someone is likely to cheat on you just because they're a Garda.

Unless you have a moral objection to a person's profession, then you're shooting yourself in the foot by writing them off immediately just because they're a Garda. Just treat him like any other potential "suitor".

I have a few Garda friends and one Garda in the family. They're exactly the same with their friends in terms of responding - can take ages to respond, they can disappear suddenly because they've been called to an emergency, and when they meet new people they're often cagey and slow to reveal any information - for obvious reasons.

Agree 100%

I hate being introduced as "the Garda" like Im sort of leper and not to be trusted

newbee1 wrote: »

Thank you for the point of view, however Seamus, I understand when you said they are the same with friends in matter of taking ages to get back etc..BUT sure when you start seeing someone, if it is someone you actually like I would assume garda or not that you wouldn't wait too long to make plans or get to know the person.

Sure there's garda guys and girls out there married isn't it! So it does happen that they do commit!;-) I am not denying or contradicting anything you said, you have a very good point and I am not writing him off because he is a garda but the amount of comments and sympathetic look I get the minute I say I am sort of seeing a garda (sort of as it's early and he is not showing much encouragement for early stage) well as much as I want to get to know him more the easy escape and the reputation is getting to me a little bit.

It seems they are there own little kingdom! garda super secret services or something.

I just thought for someone late 30's that these attitude would be long over, we're not 18 anymore, I imagined that anyone around that age would think of slowing down playing the field, but maybe I'm just simply too naive in this case or they just have way more option than regular guys. That and the internet I guess I got myself a trophy guy !

OP this job can take over your life and yes there are times when when I dont see my g/f and kids for days on end. Just recently I had to work everyday for 3 weeks between working my own roster, court and having to stay on for overtime. I had no choice but to do it.

As for secret police, well we are bound by the Official Secrets Act. I have been going out with my fiancee for about 11yrs and I cant tell her some of the things I do and Im only a regular uniformed member. My aunt used to work in a specialised unit and at times we didnt hear or see her for weeks on end because of the work she did.

newbee1 wrote: »

Thanks denimgirl, Just posted and saw yours;-)

You are right, of course, you know it's a typical case of being really into someone and only see what we want to see.
I have tried to tell him its not enough contact for me to call it dating and he has made it so about just being busy and being called to court etc in response that I end up feeling bad almost!...typical excuses garda or not, work doesnt take THAT much that you can text or give a quick call for a couple mins.

Anyway, I will try my best to move away, wish me luck!

At the end of the day ye either like each other or not. If one or both of ye cannot live with the life of a Garda then it will not work out. Unfortunately this job is nothing like a normal job. Sometimes the best laid plans in this job can go right out the window in seconds.

seamus · 19-05-2010 10:59am

TheNog wrote: »

Where did you get this information from Seamus?

Definitely dont agree with this type of personality is attracted to the job thing either.

A quick google will give you plenty of info - nothing scientific admittedly. In the US, 75% of police officers' marriages end in divorce. Even if it is the US, that's pretty high.

On the personality front, I'm not saying that only sleazeballs are attracted to police work. Police work appeals to risk-takers and adventerous types. You don't become a Garda if you want a 9-5 routine. Thus, if someone is the risk-taking type, you can infer that they are more likely to to take a risk in their relationship. Police work presents these opportunities quite readily. Firefighters in fact are worse again for it, which seems to support this theory.

However, I would say that it is in fact the stress which is a bigger factor in this more than anything, and this is probably a bigger factor in US divorce rates than infidelity.

The situations in which you are placed and the experiences which you share with your colleagues are also something quite unique, and something which you can't share with a civilian spouse or partner. This is probably why Gardai and nurses (etc) tend to intermarry moreso than Gardai and civilians. Gardai experience situations which bring out deeply primal instincts of fear and exhilaration, and sharing these experiences with someone other than your spouse is likely to cause you to develop a much stronger emotional bond with that person.

unclecessna · 19-05-2010 11:30am

seamus wrote: »

The situations in which you are placed and the experiences which you share with your colleagues are also something quite unique, and something which you can't share with a civilian spouse or partner. This is probably why Gardai and nurses (etc) tend to intermarry moreso than Gardai and civilians. Gardai experience situations which bring out deeply primal instincts of fear and exhilaration, and sharing these experiences with someone other than your spouse is likely to cause you to develop a much stronger emotional bond with that person.

I think this is a bit too much of a generalization though well meaning I'm sure. I am a Pilot so though there are certainly times where I have and will again I'm sure experience fear and at other times exhilaration through my work but it dosen't particularly attract me towards people with similar jobs more than it would anyone else. To be honest I would rather be with a girl who had a 9 to 5 job as it would bring a more balanced and rooted element to my life as being a Pilot is a nomadic lifestyle and one ends up feeling like an old west drifter at times.

Pilots have huge divorce rates too but that has a lot to do with extended periods of time away from family etc more than personality I think. Sure I have met a lot of Pilots who are players but honestly I would say easily well over half would have a similar mindset to myself.

Another thing to remember about those statistics is they are American. I have a Canadian friend who was married to an American cop which ended in divorce and from hearing the stories she told me about his experiences it makes our Gardai look like a stint in the boyscouts in comparison. ( no disrespect intended)

My advice to the OP would be to judge the guys personality on his actions more than his job.

TheNog · 19-05-2010 11:44am

unclecessna wrote: »

I am a Pilot so though there are certainly times where I have and will again I'm sure experience fear

Which airline do you work for?

:D

My advice to the OP would be to judge the guys personality on his actions more than his job.

Exactly!!!

Again it comes back to announcing the possible b/f as a Garda. Why not just say "he works alot" or "he rarely texts cos of his job".

I really hate this "this is my friend, he's a Garda" crap which some people do.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2010 2:42pm

thank you for the replies, it is nice too to have a view from the inside as garda, as I don't know any I appreciate your feedback, very insightful.

and yes, I completely agree its mostly the personality that counts, but because their reputation is such a big deal here on many levels, not just the cheating but the rare contact, unknown etc.. that I felt a bit lost in the middle of it all. At the end of the day, not much contact period can most likely be that is not that into me simple as that.
TheNog you said you have a fiancee, congratulation by the way, well I'm sure at the beginning you were dating her you show that you were interested in her even if you were not around much, no?
Its not all the cheating that goes along the garda reputation, its being player and yes maybe their schedule and lifestyle makes it that way, I have yet not heard 1 good thing, except obviously from the 2 replies I got from garda themselves. Dating someone at the beginning can be a bit nerves wrecking but someone that is pure mystery and surrounded by bad reputation well lets just say it doesn't make it easier!
I have no problem with the lifestyle, its fine by me, its the mystery of not knowing if he's into me or simply a case of being that busy, work urgency or whatever, in a career like mine 9 to 5 after 6 days of no contact I would know where to stand and move on, with him I don't know at all, he's extremely hard to read.
I know he loves what he does, he has been a garda for 8 years and single for 2 and half years so again, at his age I would of assume a little more clarity would be in place. It's not like hes 22 and new at it.
I have not told everyone around me he is a garda, I only told few people because of the negative I have heard before I even met him, now I wouldn't introduce a boyfriend or a date to my close friends as what he does for a living.
Anyhow, I have not heard from him since saturday so really if I don't hear from him by this weekend, even a text to say hi, I guess I can imagine that he's just not that into me, garda or not!

Again, thank you all for replying, im being a complete teenager about this I know that and it is so unlike me trust me but I do like him a lot and my vision is completly blury I can't seem to advise myself well on this.

mood · 19-05-2010 4:40pm

TheNog wrote: »

I really hate this "this is my friend, he's a Garda" crap which some people do.

Maybe some people do this when introducing friends who they know smoke hash or whatever. I have to say I've never seem this done.

Anyway judge him by his actions not his job. But to be honest not hearing for him for 6 day in a row is not a good sign of interest. I wouldn't think Anyone would work long shifts 6 days in a row. I'm sure he would find time for a call or text if he wanted. Sorry.

garda/player reputation?

Comments