Am i being a bitch?

bobbi · 23-07-2010 10:34AM #1

Hi,

A while ago i decided to have a few friends in for a dinner party.

Everyone was there for 9pm as i asked except one girl. We waited up to 40mins for her. I texted her and she was ill and might pop down later. I got very annoyed at this. In the heat of the moment i texted back saying don't bother and you could have let me know after i had been to all that trouble.

She never replied. I saw her again and we didn't speak. I'm having a party soon and i didn't invite her. I feel guilty / bitchy about this but its not the first time she has said she will do something and not shown up without a phonecall or text to let you know.

I wouldn't have been upset if she had let me know or after not telling me at least apologised. I think its so rude and seems like she doesn't give a crap about our friendship.

Am i over-reacting?

Thanks,

dillodaffs · 23-07-2010 10:40AM

that would annoy me to, you cook dinner and everyone is there at 9pm except one person who doesnt bother to let you know she cant make it? its very rude of her not to let you know.

xzanti · 23-07-2010 10:40AM

Had she RSVP'd in the first place?

If so then I would have been pretty peeved aswel, that is pretty inconsiderate when you've gone to the effort of cooking a meal.. If she hadn't replied then I think you could have assumed she wasn't turning up from the getgo..

If she's a good friend then maybe it would be better to just let it go.. inviting her to your upcoming party would be a nice olive branch IMO..

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 10:41AM

Ok I am a foreigner. From what I understand of Irish code, 9pm doesnt mean 9pm, it means 9:45. I have a friend who was outraged that people actually showed up at 8pm when he said 8pm.

I dont think you should keep your guests hungry because someone is late. You should have just went ahead.

Yes she should have called. Maybe she doesn't care about the friendship. Personally i hate lateness. It's a bugbear of mine to think its ok to play with someone else's time. I will wait 15 minutes and then I will leave. If you do this more than three times I wont make plans with you, but I never have a confrontation about it.

Malari · 23-07-2010 10:47AM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ok I am a foreigner. From what I understand of Irish code, 9pm doesnt mean 9pm, it means 9:45. I have a friend who was outraged that people actually showed up at 8pm when he said 8pm.

Maybe if you are meeting for a party or with a group in the pub, 9pm means 9.45pm, but not if you are cooking dinner in your own house.

I think what your friend did was incredibly rude OP (assuming she had already confirmed she was coming), and I've actually stopped cooking dinner in my place for friends because they did this to me so often. I hate when people are consistently late, it's rude and ignorant.

I also find when you are confrontational about it the late person can get very indignant!

:mad: It's up to you. You can apologise for snapping with your text, but make it clear how upset you were that she didn't let you know. Then it's back in her court whether she wants to continue the friendship and let bygones be bygones. Good luck.

EDIT: Ok, so the OP's friend wasn't late, she didn't plan on arriving, but same applies - incredibly rude, selfish and thoughtless.

xzanti · 23-07-2010 10:48AM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes she should have called. Maybe she doesn't care about the friendship. Personally i hate lateness.

She wasn't late, she just wasn't showing up at all..

tbh · 23-07-2010 10:53AM

you have to assume that she was genuinely ill, in which case, you should have just started without her, and yes, you are over-reacting.

You should have just dealt with the situation as it was and not tried to force it to be what you wanted it to be, if you know what i mean

Captain Average · 23-07-2010 10:53AM

Yes, you are overreacting and being bitchy.
The person was sick for god's sake. The dinner party may not have been on top of their list of things to be thinking about when they were feeling under the weather. You were delayed and slightly inconvenienced. Not the end of the world by any means.
You should have apologised for your rude reply.

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 11:02AM

If i were very sick and you had that response i'd not be bothered with you anymore. I would also assume you would go ahead and eat and not wait 40 minutes. And as for the trouble you went to, it just meant that you had more left over for the others.

bobbi · 23-07-2010 11:29AM

No she had confirmed she was going.

She said she might pop down later so she could not be that ill. Plus to add as i stated its not the first time she has not shown up when she has said she would.

I think if she wasn't known to do it i would let it go.

tbh · 23-07-2010 11:32AM

bobbi wrote: »

No she had confirmed she was going.

She said she might pop down later so she could not be that ill. Plus to add as i stated its not the first time she has not shown up when she has said she would.

I think if she wasn't known to do it i would let it go.

if she was known to do it, you shouldn't have invited her in the first place, and you certainly shouldn't have waited.
I have sympathy for you, but it's obvious you're more wound up about this than she is. It's pointless getting angry with her, let her see that actions have consequences - if she takes things like this for granted, she'll not be invited in future. If you do something like this again and don't invite her, and she asks why - tell her. At least that way she'll know where she stands. Seething quietly helps nobody.

23-07-2010 11:32AM

bobbi wrote: »

No she had confirmed she was going.

She said she might pop down later so she could not be that ill.

Sometimes you're feeling pretty crap and hoping it's not serious so that you might feel better later. Especially if you're really looking forward to a party.

Plus to add as i stated its not the first time she has not shown up when she has said she would.

I think if she wasn't known to do it i would let it go.

Duno then, if it's a history then invite her if you want but don't expect her

I think you're overreacting a bit and shouldn't wait 40 mins next time especially since it was already late in the evening for dinner

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 11:52AM

bobbi wrote: »

We waited up to 40mins for her. I texted her and she was ill and might pop down later. I got very annoyed at this. In the heat of the moment i texted back saying don't bother and you could have let me know after i had been to all that trouble.

She never replied. I saw her again and we didn't speak. I'm having a party soon and i didn't invite her. I feel guilty / bitchy about this but its not the first time she has said she will do something and not shown up without a phonecall or text to let you know.

I wouldn't have been upset if she had let me know or after not telling me at least apologised. I think its so rude and seems like she doesn't give a crap about our friendship.

Am i over-reacting?

Thanks,

i have a friend like that, she is always letting us down at the last minute, promises she will deffo be there, and doesnt show up or switches off her phone, says she was sick or whatever excuse. You said its not the first time she has done this so i think you were right sending back that text, ppl here are saying it was mean because she was sick....'SHE' said she was sick, doesnt mean she was.UN- reliable ppl like that have excuses all the time so you never know what to believe. we do give out to our friend too saying 'id rather you say NO I CANT MAKE IT -be outstraight rather then saying your going and drop out at the last minute.
I dont think you were over-reacting or bitchy. I certainly wouldnt have waited 40 mins though the fact that you knew she let you down before. Also, if she is your friend, then i wouldnt be falling out with her for something so silly. just dont wait again 40 mins again for her.

bobbi · 23-07-2010 12:02PM

I feel guilty / bitchy about this but its not the first time she has said she will do something and not shown up without a phonecall or text to let you know.

I did say it.

23-07-2010 12:04PM

Captain Average wrote: »

Yes, you are overreacting and being bitchy.
The person was sick for god's sake. The dinner party may not have been on top of their list of things to be thinking about when they were feeling under the weather. You were delayed and slightly inconvenienced. Not the end of the world by any means.
You should have apologised for your rude reply.

I don't agree. Unless she was genuinely ill, as in hospital worthy, she should have texted. I don't know why but a lot of people seem to use the most minor 'sickness' (cold, flu etc) as an excuse to be rude. Strangely enough these people are always well enough to call into work sick, but then fail to extend the same courtesy to their friends. All she had to do was send a text a few hours in advance saying 'I'm so sorry, I'm feeling awful and won't be able to make it, sorry to put you out.' She managed to reply to OP's text immediately so she obviously wasn't that sick, was she? I think she deserved every word of OP's reply and I think it was childish and rude of her not just to apologise profusely. A person with any manners whatsoever would have copped themselves and on thought 'God, yeah, that's really rude', not sulked.

metrovelvet wrote:

If i were very sick and you had that response i'd not be bothered with you anymore. I would also assume you would go ahead and eat and not wait 40 minutes. And as for the trouble you went to, it just meant that you had more left over for the others.

Do you go to many dinner parties? Why on earth would you expect the rest of the guests to go ahead and eat when one person hadn't arrived? If they haven't texted or called, it's assumed they'll be there any minute and starting without them would be rude. You don't just decide not to turn up to a dinner party where dinner has been cooked for you and a place set for you and assume everyone else will just go ahead. And as for the second comment, how disrespectful to someone who has made an effort to cook your dinner, just to think 'oh well, there's more left for the others.' Maybe they don't need/want more? Maybe OP spent a lot of money on each plate (steak or other expensive meat)?

The lack of manners displayed here is shocking, but given some of the things I've witnessed in the last few years, not surprising. A formal dinner is not a casual get together. If you say you're going, you turn up, on time, with a bottle of wine or a small gift. You don't just decide not to bother or that you might call in later. If you're not sure you can make it on time, you decline the invitation or explain to the host well in advance that you might be a bit late. If it's the last minute and something comes up (stuck in traffic, emergency phone call or whatever), you call the host and apologise and tell them to go ahead. You don't just assume they won't miss you. I'd be mortified to think there was a room fill of people waiting for me. What's wrong with people these days?

bobbi · 23-07-2010 12:15PM

Thanks Janessa Calm Abacus think you said exactly as i feel. I know some being think i over-reacted but i am always polite and would expect the same of my friends.

I would never not reply to invites or just not go somewhere without thanking the person for the invite and letting them know i could/could not attend.

We were having a drink before the meal and lost track of the time having a chat. When i relaised the time i was like i better see what the story is before we start the meal. I kinda just didn't expect anyone to just not show up and i wouldn't just start a meal without everythere in case they were running late.

I am tempted to text her just say i don't want to fight i would have appreciated an apology. When i sent the message i was upset and hurt. If u wud like to go to the party it would be nice if you came. Is that being a push-over? If she had just texted back and said sorry should have let you know that would be fine. I would get over it and move on.

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 12:20PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

Er, none us knew that this was something the woman had done before. The OP left that out of her original post.

Er, read her post again

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 12:23PM

bobbi wrote: »

I am tempted to text her just say i don't want to fight i would have appreciated an apology. When i sent the message i was upset and hurt. If u wud like to go to the party it would be nice if you came. Is that being a push-over? If she had just texted back and said sorry should have let you know that would be fine. I would get over it and move on.

Bobbi, do text her, dont mention not wanting to fight or an apology, say 'how are you xxx, i hope you are over your illness, im having a party on such a date at such a time, i would like to see you there if you can make it'. she cant back out of this one with been ill again;) if she does then good luck to her.....

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 12:28PM

[quote=[Deleted User];67075320]I don't agree. Unless she was genuinely ill, as in hospital worthy, she should have texted. I don't know why but a lot of people seem to use the most minor 'sickness' (cold, flu etc) as an excuse to be rude. Strangely enough these people are always well enough to call into work sick, but then fail to extend the same courtesy to their friends. All she had to do was send a text a few hours in advance saying 'I'm so sorry, I'm feeling awful and won't be able to make it, sorry to put you out.' She managed to reply to OP's text immediately so she obviously wasn't that sick, was she? I think she deserved every word of OP's reply and I think it was childish and rude of her not just to apologise profusely. A person with any manners whatsoever would have copped themselves and on thought 'God, yeah, that's really rude', not sulked.

Do you go to many dinner parties? Why on earth would you expect the rest of the guests to go ahead and eat when one person hadn't arrived? If they haven't texted or called, it's assumed they'll be there any minute and starting without them would be rude. You don't just decide not to turn up to a dinner party where dinner has been cooked for you and a place set for you and assume everyone else will just go ahead. And as for the second comment, how disrespectful to someone who has made an effort to cook your dinner, just to think 'oh well, there's more left for the others.' Maybe they don't need/want more? Maybe OP spent a lot of money on each plate (steak or other expensive meat)?

The lack of manners displayed here is shocking, but given some of the things I've witnessed in the last few years, not surprising. A formal dinner is not a casual get together. If you say you're going, you turn up, on time, with a bottle of wine or a small gift. You don't just decide not to bother or that you might call in later. If you're not sure you can make it on time, you decline the invitation or explain to the host well in advance that you might be a bit late. If it's the last minute and something comes up (stuck in traffic, emergency phone call or whatever), you call the host and apologise and tell them to go ahead. You don't just assume they won't miss you. I'd be mortified to think there was a room fill of people waiting for me. What's wrong with people these days?[/QUOTE]

Ok. The invite was for nine. It is my understanding that in Ireland it is rude to show up at said time and it is understood that you should show up a minumum of a half an hour after said time. So, if I got an invite for 9, I wouldn't anticipate dinner would be served until at least 9:45. So if OP said 9 then should shebreally expect people to show up before 9:30?

Secondly, as for waitung, its reasonable to wait 15 minutes. Absolutely no way would I expect a host to wait longer than that.

tbh · 23-07-2010 12:36PM

what you have to understand is that some people just operate on a different level to others. You and I would consider it par for the course to send a text or ring to apologise. Your mate obviously isn't one of those people. You trying to force her to act like you isn't going to achieve anything except pissing you off, pissing her off, or most likely both.
DOn't not invite her to the party to punish her - it won't work. She doesn't see what she did as being a big deal, and she won't take the hint. She'll just think you're being a bitch. If you try to explain what you're doing, she'll just get defensive (because she doesn't think she's wrong).

Instead, invite her to the party because it doesn't really matter if she shows up or doesn't, or shows up late. But if you're planning an event like a dinner party again, don't invite her, because you know what she's like. If she finds out that she's not invited and asks why, then just tell her.

She is who she is. You're not going to change her

You can either accept her for who she is, or cut her loose.

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 12:37PM

^Exactly.

Malari · 23-07-2010 12:39PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ok. The invite was for nine. It is my understanding that in Ireland it is rude to show up at said time and it is understood that you should show up a minumum of a half an hour after said time. So, if I got an invite for 9, I wouldn't anticipate dinner would be served until at least 9:45. So if OP said 9 then should shebreally expect people to show up before 9:30?

Secondly, as for waitung, its reasonable to wait 15 minutes. Absolutely no way would I expect a host to wait longer than that.

This is nonsense. As I mentioned earlier if you are casually meeting somewhere and the arrangement is 9pm then it's fine to be slightly late. For a dinner party, anyone who thinks like this is rude. Dinner may not have been served till 9.45pm but that's the OP's perogative to ask everyone to be there at 9pm, so she can do the last minute bits (dress salad, cook something that only takes 2 mins, etc) when everyone is ready to sit and eat straight away.

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 12:43PM

Im sorry but I know many people who would disagree with you and would be outraged if you showed up at the said time.

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 01:28PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ok. The invite was for nine. It is my understanding that in Ireland it is rude to show up at said time and it is understood that you should show up a minumum of a half an hour after said time. So, if I got an invite for 9, I wouldn't anticipate dinner would be served until at least 9:45. So if OP said 9 then should shebreally expect people to show up before 9:30?

Secondly, as for waitung, its reasonable to wait 15 minutes. Absolutely no way would I expect a host to wait longer than that.

Metrovelvet, this is incorrect, In Ireland if someone invites you to dinner at 9, you would arrive at least 10 mins early, it would be rude to arrive 5+ mins late. In ireland if someone invites you to the pub for 9 - then its fashionable to arrive late. I think you are mixing dinner and pub invites up

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 01:32PM

Where I come from you show up on time. I showed up on time in Ireland and the host was still in his dressing gown and the other guests hadnt arrived yet. I was ver embarrassed and it was made quite clear to me that there is an unspoken understanding that you show up at least 30 mins late.

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 01:34PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Where I come from you show up on time. I showed up on time in Ireland and the host was still in his dressing gown and the other guests hadnt arrived yet. I was ver embarrassed and it was made quite clear to me that there is an unspoken understanding that you show up at least 30 mins late.

Was this at a dinner party in his house?

23-07-2010 01:36PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Where I come from you show up on time. I showed up on time in Ireland and the host was still in his dressing gown and the other guests hadnt arrived yet. I was ver embarrassed and it was made quite clear to me that there is an unspoken understanding that you show up at least 30 mins late.

To be honest that guy sounds like a plank. I'm a stickler for punctuality and it works both ways.

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 01:38PM

Dambant wrote: »

Was this at a dinner party in his house?

Yes.

metrovelvet · 23-07-2010 01:39PM

bluewolf wrote: »

To be honest that guy sounds like a plank. I'm a stickler for punctuality and it works both ways.

Me too. This Irish lateness thing drives me nuts.

23-07-2010 01:41PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ok. The invite was for nine. It is my understanding that in Ireland it is rude to show up at said time and it is understood that you should show up a minumum of a half an hour after said time. So, if I got an invite for 9, I wouldn't anticipate dinner would be served until at least 9:45. So if OP said 9 then should shebreally expect people to show up before 9:30?

Secondly, as for waitung, its reasonable to wait 15 minutes. Absolutely no way would I expect a host to wait longer than that.

No, not for a dinner party. For a regular party, or gathering or casual drinks thing where loads of people were invited, yeah, it's OK, but dinner parties are different. If you get an invitation for 9, you show at 9. For some reason, some people have a problem with understanding the difference between formal and casual events. And if you don't expect a host to wait longer than 15 minutes, then you call them and tell them that. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know you're not going to arrive at any moment? I presume this was a case of OP thinking 'let's give it a few more minutes', as most people would if they hadn't received a call. I'd even start to worry that something terrible had happened if I'd waited 40 minutes, I wouldn't believe that someone would be so incredibly rude. If I as the host had to text a guest to ask where they were and got a lame response like that, I'd be livid.

boarduser1980 · 23-07-2010 01:44PM

that was rude of him then. if someone invites you to dinner you arrive a little early rather than a little late.
if you're invited to a party in a pub etc then fair enough you dont have to arrive on time, unless its a sit down meal.

p.s im irish

Am i being a bitch?

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