Cant orgasm from penetration, okay to use toy?

LegacyUser · 31-10-2010 10:10PM #1

I know this should be in sex & sexuality, but I am not a registered member anymore, and was hoping I could get advice anonymously here instead. Two questions/issues:

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years. Sex has never been hugely satisfactory, due to different issues. We went through a bad patch that lasted almost a year of no sex, due to different stresses and he was unable to get/maintain an erection.

1. Things now however, are slowly getting busy again in the bedroom department. However, I rarely orgasm from sex, and I don't fake it either, so he obviously knows I'm not 100% satisfied. He does orgasm. I don't want to nitpick at things as we were so long getting here in the first place, but I do want to encourage him & try to please me too. The thing is, I can't cum from penetration alone, but need manual stimulation. Is this normal? Is it okay to suggest using a toy like a bullet to make me orgasm, or would this put more pressure on him? I really don't want to antagonise things at alll, as we nearly broke up over the sex already.

2. Another thing, I love oral [giving and receiving] but he NEVER gives. How do I approach this? He's BIG into his hygiene, so perhaps he could be put off by the smell? I do shower every day, but is it necessary to shower before sex too?

Sorry for all the questions, but I need advice!!

Zaph · 31-10-2010 11:18PM

In response to your other thread, all unregistered posts must be approved by a mod before they appear. This may take a little while on occasions, depending on who's around. There are generally less mods around at weekends or late at night, so things can take a bit longer to be approved.

LegacyUser · 31-10-2010 11:24PM

Oh sorry, thank you for clarifying this Zaph, I just didn't think it would take so long, but thanks for your response.

I have a 3rd thing to add to the equation:
My bf is 30, and he doesn't masturbate. Is this normal? I suppose I haven't asked him if he does or not, but we live together for the past few months and i'm pretty sure he doesn't.

Princess Peach · 01-11-2010 01:11AM

Its fine to use toys with a boyfriend, I've done it loads. Its really fun and he could find it very sexy too. Just tell him light heartedly that you think it could be a really fun idea, and maybe go shopping for one together. I don't think it's putting pressure on him, for me its always been my guy's idea to use them. Just tell him you want to try new things.

And have you ever just asked him for oral? If ye're having a bit of dirty chat just tell him how much you'd like it, and make it a lot about him. Ask him what he wants, and hopefully he'll ask you what you want.

01-11-2010 11:38AM

CantCum wrote: »

1. Things now however, are slowly getting busy again in the bedroom department. However, I rarely orgasm from sex, and I don't fake it either, so he obviously knows I'm not 100% satisfied. He does orgasm. I don't want to nitpick at things as we were so long getting here in the first place, but I do want to encourage him & try to please me too. The thing is, I can't cum from penetration alone, but need manual stimulation. Is this normal? Is it okay to suggest using a toy like a bullet to make me orgasm, or would this put more pressure on him? I really don't want to antagonise things at alll, as we nearly broke up over the sex already.

Can you orgasm if you masturbate (manually) during intercourse? Introducing a toy can be a blow to some guy's confidence (although it's a completely unreasonable reaction). So maybe you could manually stimulate yourself while he's penetrating you? Won't be as big a step as introducing a toy

It's perfectly normal btw, estimates for the number of women who can't orgasm through penetration range from 30%-70%

CantCum wrote: »

2. Another thing, I love oral [giving and receiving] but he NEVER gives. How do I approach this? He's BIG into his hygiene, so perhaps he could be put off by the smell? I do shower every day, but is it necessary to shower before sex too?

Hang on, he never goes down on you and you can't orgasm through penetration? Does he manually stimulate you? Or do you just not orgasm when you have sex? Sounds very one-sided. It doesn't sound like you've actually had a conversation with him about it. Trying subtle hints is unlikely to work, he's not going to go straight for it just because you have a shower. You've been together two years, you should be able to talk about what you want out of sex. Flat out ask him to go down on you. If he refuses, find out why (and make sure it's a better reason than "I don't do that" or "That's disgusting").

CantCum wrote: »

I have a 3rd thing to add to the equation:
My bf is 30, and he doesn't masturbate. Is this normal? I suppose I haven't asked him if he does or not, but we live together for the past few months and i'm pretty sure he doesn't.

I would say it's probably not 'normal' but isn't necessarily bizarre either. However, you'd be surprised at how often and how secretively guys can masturbate. 5 minutes in the bathroom can be enough. Unless you've actually had that discussion with him, I'd say it's likely that he does.

LegacyUser · 01-11-2010 11:40AM

Well op, it seems like there is a big part of your relationship that does not work, i.e. your sex life, its usually the sign of a bigger issue in the relationship..?

Have you ever been orgasmic? Or is it just with this guy?

Yes of course you should use toys, why not? 90% or higher of women cant orgasm through penetration alone...

And if he finds the idea of giving a woman oral sex as being "unclean" then maybe you need to accept the fact that oral sex just won't happen...But certainly washing your area before sex is a must, maybe even use an flavoured edible gel to encourage him?

LegacyUser · 01-11-2010 04:15PM

Of course it is ok to use toys!!

A previous sexual partner of mine could not orgasm through penetration alone and Always required the use of a small sex toy....

.... though to be honest i did not find it comfortable or satisfying having a hand/vibrator "in the way", even though i orgasmed myself it just wasn't very fulfilling...even tried durex vibrating ring but it was not strong enough...

Now my current sexual partner requires no sex toys of any kind and can orgasm quite quickly from penetration alone... and of course oral sex is amazing, there's nothing i like doing more sexually.. and enjoy fully satisfying my partner using oral sex alone...i cannot understand man who does not enjoy pleasuring his lady!

Life is too short to have a poor sex life!

Miss Fluff · 01-11-2010 09:13PM

I think sex toys are a great addition to an already hot sex life or where both partners are already sexually confident....then they can only enhance the experience for both partners.

You have not been experiencing a hot sex life however and your partner has had issues with erectile dysfunction. Regardless of how much you are both getting back on track sexually, introducing a sex toy at this crucial time in rebuilding your relationship may not be a very good idea. Whatever way you want to sugar-coat it, to HIS mind he will merely view the introduction of a toy as a reminder that HE can't make you cum.

On your other point, not orgasming through penetrative sex is ok. I presume you can make yourself cum? If so you should pleasure yourself while he's inside you or show him how you bring yourself off.

On another point, why won't he go down on you? Has he said why? I think it is best to be as clean as a whistle before sex so if you only shower in the morning and tend to have sex in the evening, no harm having a bath/shower before you get down to action. Or even better share a bath/shower together.

You also mentioned that he doesn't masturbate. Unless he has some medical condition I find this almost impossible to believe. Has he told you this? Does he say why? Or is this something you are presuming about him?

I think if you want this relationship to survive you could both do with going to see a psychosexual therapist. Something isn't quite adding up for me here to be honest OP and it seems neither of you have been able to communicate with each other like you should. A huge part of a really fulfilling sex life is communication and you both seem to be failing on that score. You don't say what exactly contributed to a sexless relationship for a year and maybe you really need to deal with this before you can actually move on and make a go of this once and for all.

Novella · 01-11-2010 10:44PM

CantCum wrote: »

The thing is, I can't cum from penetration alone, but need manual stimulation. Is this normal?

Yeah, that's normal. Many women find it difficult to reach orgasm through penetration alone.

Is it okay to suggest using a toy like a bullet to make me orgasm, or would this put more pressure on him? I really don't want to antagonise things at alll, as we nearly broke up over the sex already.

I think it'd be okay to suggest using a toy. However, if he is already worried about his performance, or if sex and your lack of orgasm is a sensitive issue, perhaps it'd be better if you started by asking him to stimulate you with his fingers or whatever during sex, y'know - guide his hand and let him know how good it feels when he touches you. Then when he sees how much you're enjoying yourself, you could maybe broach the subject of introducing a toy.

2. Another thing, I love oral [giving and receiving] but he NEVER gives. How do I approach this? He's BIG into his hygiene, so perhaps he could be put off by the smell? I do shower every day, but is it necessary to shower before sex too?

Well, some people (men and women) just don't like giving oral sex. Maybe he is one of them? I wouldn't imagine he is turned off by the smell, as that tends to be more of a turn on but then again, I don't know him... so it could be that. If you think it's a hygiene thing, could you take a shower together and see if he is more willing then?

CantCum wrote: »

I have a 3rd thing to add to the equation:
My bf is 30, and he doesn't masturbate. Is this normal? I suppose I haven't asked him if he does or not, but we live together for the past few months and i'm pretty sure he doesn't.

Well, if you're living together and sharing a bed etc., it could just be that he doesn't get that much alone time to masturbate and he could be satisfied with your sex life and not feel the need to masturbate. Or he could do it when you're not there. If you're curious, ask him? But I don't think it's abnormal for him not to, no.

Cant orgasm from penetration, okay to use toy?

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