She still misses me, how do I respond to it

LegacyUser · 23-11-2010 08:03AM #1

I was in a 3 year relationship that ended last April/May. We've both been keeping in touch from time to time and for a while after the break up would still see each other for a chat or cinema or what ever. She's now travelling with a friend (I should have been with them but didnt go because of the breakup), I talk to her from time to time or we exchange sms.

I think I'm over her, I miss her sometimes but that could just be the comfort of having someone close I miss and it's only very seldom I feel like I would miss her.

She on the other hand still misses me. Nearly everytime I speak to her or what ever form of contact we have she says she misses me. Shortly after the break-up I could understand it but it's 6 months ago now. Maybe it's because it's just herself and a friend abroad and travelling and thats she's just lonely or that she looked forward to travelling with me for so long that now I'm not there it's not how she imagined it?

The thing is though, how am I meant to deal with it, how do I react when she says it? I can't say I still miss her, she's hoping we may get back together someday and that would only give her more hope.

She's a great girl but I wish she could move on, there are other great guys out there, even better than me. I'm affraid she's not getting the most out of the travelling experience either because of missing me, wishing I was there etc.

I know breaking contact is prob the best thing but I don't know if I coudl do it, we're still good friends and I'm ok with it like that.

Taltos · 23-11-2010 12:06PM

OP - while you stay in contact you are keeping a flicker alive that you will change your mind. In short your continued friendship is torturing this girl.

Suggest you do her a favour and tell her that you do not want anymore contact as clearly it is messing with her head.
Now - no matter what she says you have to stick to this, doubtless she will plead, beg, cry - but for her sake and your own - you need to be tough here and well and truly break all contact.

LittleBook · 23-11-2010 12:58PM

And regarding the travelling ... she's on the trip that you were supposed to do together, there is little chance of her enjoying it if she's still in contact with you and only thinking about what could have been.

solovely · 23-11-2010 02:37PM

Taltos wrote: »

In short your continued friendship is torturing this girl. Suggest you do her a favour and tell her that you do not want anymore contact as clearly it is messing with her head

has she said she actually wants to get back with you? or just that she's missing you? i know when I was younger and got out of a 5 year relationship, I desperately missed my ex, and told him so, but at no stage did I ever think it would be a good idea to get back with him. I just missed the company, the security, etc.

I know personally I have never managed to cut off contact with any ex, it's a lot easier said than done, and to be honest, I don't see the major harm unless it really is destroying the other person. It sounds like your ex could just be lonely and a bit emotional being all those miles away.

I think it would be a good idea to clarify how she misses you. I'd send her an email saying you appreciate she misses me, and you miss the times you had together, but you've moved on now, you'd still really like to be her friend (if you do), but that if she wants more, you think for her own sake, it would be better to cut off contact til she gets back from travelling as thats not what you want and you feel it's holding her back (basically everything you said in the original post).

I think cutting off contact completely can be unfairly cruel, and not really serve any good purpose, and maybe even mess with her head more, if she's a bit delicate! But it's up to you and whatever feels right with you and whatever you are comfortable doing/ saying!

RacoonQueen · 23-11-2010 04:37PM

I know breaking contact is prob the best thing but I don't know if I coudl do it, we're still good friends and I'm ok with it like that.

This says it all. You don't want to lose her completely out of your life either. Sounds like you're hanging onto her too...

LegacyUser · 23-11-2010 08:58PM

Thanks for the advice above. I don't think I could just turn around and ignore her completely. After 3 years we got to know each other pretty well (obviously), there's reasons why we broke up and they are enough for me to not want to get back with her. She knows this and we have spoken about it.

She has said that maybe when she's back next year things will be different and maybe we could still be together. She hasn't said it recently, maybe 2+ months ago since she said it.

I do get the whole I miss you quite often, not everytime but regularly. It was her bday and I sent her bday wishes (like friends would do, right) and how her day was, it was ok she missed me was kinda the reply.

solovely: I'm going to send her an email or say something the next time she say she misses me, thanks for the suggestion.

I kinda asked her was she enjoying her self and that I hope she wasn't holding back from meeting anyone. She says she's enjoying herself.

Can I ask this of those who have split up with someone on good terms: Did you really just turn you back on her? I find it kind of harsh after spending a long time getting to know someone, all their secrets, how they are etc and then you can just dump them and forget?

As for me holding on, I'm hoping I can hold on to her as a friend. I'm single and I'm out there ready to move on looking for the next one lovely girl who wants to be part of my life. (I imagine once that happens the friendship might drift apart though)

solovely · 23-11-2010 10:47PM

I may not be the best person to give advice, as even today, I was in email contact with 3 of my exes from the last 7 years (for random reasons, all the break-ups were initiated by me....but I really and truly can't imagine having someone that important in my life for so long, and then completely cutting off contact. To me, it feels totally unnatural and a bit inhuman to be honest. But I know there can often be serious issues to cause a break-up or sometimes one person will harbour more feelings than the other so a complete break is required....I just cant imagine it!

I don't think your contact with your ex is inappropriate in any way. What's hard when you break up with someone after a serious relationship (regardless of who does the breaking up) is that for so many years beforehand, this was the person you told every time something upset you, and now, whether they are the reason you are upset, or whether it's something completely unrelated (maybe homesickness for your ex) your default go to person is not there, and you end up more in a mess, which is probably what your ex is going through.

I would have a nice word with her if she brings it up again, but I really don't see this as any reason to cut her out of your life. By the sounds of things nobody has done anything drastic or hurtful to require such action.

I find it kind of harsh after spending a long time getting to know someone, all their secrets, how they are etc and then you can just dump them and forget?

I totally agree!!

I'm single and I'm out there ready to move on looking for the next one lovely girl who wants to be part of my life. (I imagine once that happens the friendship might drift apart though)

It will drift a bit obviously, but once you are mature about it all, there is no reason to lose contact with them completely. Lots of people (maybe not the other posters here, but lots that I know) retain healthy relationships with exes for years and years after they break up with no feelings other than friendship and a bit of shared history.

Virgil° · 23-11-2010 11:21PM

She has said that maybe when she's back next year things will be different and maybe we could still be together.

This line here says it all really. This girl is obviously still holding out hope that you will take her back.
You've said you don't want to. Any contact you give this girl, anything at all is only fueling her false hope. As Taltos said, you're torturing this girl albeit unintentionally. But now that you know theres a high chance that you are hurting her you would be incredibly selfish to continue contact.

Did you really just turn you back on her? I find it kind of harsh after spending a long time getting to know someone, all their secrets, how they are etc and then you can just dump them and forget?

Well from the sounds of it you did dump her. You haven't specifically stated that you did but i'm assuming it wasn't mutual based on what shes saying to you. Theres nothing wrong with that, its your choice and yo don't just "forget" her but if you truely care about her then you must realise that what you're doing is NOT helping her in the long run although she might say otherwise.

solovely wrote:

It will drift a bit obviously, but once you are mature about it all, there is no reason to lose contact with them completely. Lots of people (maybe not the other posters here, but lots that I know) retain healthy relationships with exes for years and years after they break up with no feelings other than friendship and a bit of shared history.

Your post smacks of someone who hasn't been on the receiving end of this.
Maturity has nothing to do with this, even the most mature person can be haunted by an ex they want back.
Of course exes can and do become friends after time. Time to heal, time apart to gain perspective. Its apparent that hasn't happened for this girl.
I remember myself hanging onto an ex of mine. I would txt her as often as i though i could get away with, every time she texted back renewed my hope. I would read between the lines with every word she uttered to me trying to find something that meant she would be mine again, i would jump for joy every time i saw her out and about on facebook with no obvious signs of her with another guy and be a shambles every time i saw her with a guy i didn't know.
It was anguish. I eventually had to stop as it was obvious she wasn't coming back and i'd stifled my recovery by months.
Don't do this to your ex OP, let her move on.

She still misses me, how do I respond to it

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