Dating someone nice...strange text received

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 06:58PM

hhjhjh wrote: »

Holy crap, you know this girl 5 weeks and you've already mentioned how you'd be willing to move to her country to work?

I'm sure you're a nice guy, but your actions and words scream 'clinger'. You're being as clingy as hell. This girl is not your girlfriend and it's perfectly alright for her not to be in touch with you every waking hour of the day, or even for days at a time. It's nothing about 'giving her her own way' - it's got to do with giving her SPACE, which you don't seem to grasp.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to man up a bit - have you nothing else going on in your life except your obsession with this girl? 'Cos if I was this girl, your constant contact and neediness would scare me so soon into the dating phase. I don't think you should play games, but giving her a bit of space might make her realise that she in fact, does like you and want to contact you.

By the way, have you ever thought that another reason she may not like speaking on the phone is because English isn't her first language?

Also, I see how you're ignoring the advice that people are giving you that goes against your own line of thought...

Bottom line, again: NEEDINESS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!

Excuse me, what the hell is it with people on this forum not reading posts properly and jumping to all sorts of absurd conclusions?

I told her I am willing to move to her country, actually, because (A) it's part of my plan all along (I speak the language, have lived there and worked there for over a year, and have friends there, and I would like to build a life there regardless of this current girl; and (B) because she asked me. It was one of the reasons she replied to my first email to her on the dating site actually. I listed one of my interests as the language and culture of her country. It's something we have in common. I happen to know quite well the area she is from. It's been a major source of our common ground. So read my posts properly before labelling me as something I'm not.

As for your comments on space, clearly some other posters in this post disagree with you. Perhaps your have closeness issues; I don't, and I don't think it's unusual for me to want an occassional text after dating someone for a month and having a weekend away.

I know my own mind, and someone who is that guarded about their space isn't for me, and isn't as ready for a relationship as I am.

I see that very clearly now thanks to physiologyrocks above.

If you think I'm needy, know that I'm done with making the moves and doing the chasing with this girl. She won't be hearing from me again unless she does some of the lifting for a change.

I am a friend · 17-05-2011 07:44PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

it's time for exclusivity.

But then you tell her she is still single... I have the impression from reading through your posts that you are giving her mixed messages - slow texting, then calling, sex already, the exclusive chat which then became 'non exclusive' etc etc

I just cant make out what you want... Its a bit confusing.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 07:59PM

I am a friend wrote: »

But then you tell her she is still single... I have the impression from reading through your posts that you are giving her mixed messages - slow texting, then calling, sex already, the exclusive chat which then became 'non exclusive' etc etc

Hmm... I asked if we would make it exclusive, saying i wanted to, but she reacted unsurely, as in suggesting any more would seem to have been a no-no. If anything, she's the one sending me mixed messages I think. Keen in person, not so between meeting; physically intimate, yet emtionally uneasy about making it exclusive...Way I see it, I did my best to let her know I like her a lot. I used those exact words and asked if we could go exclusive. She shied away from saying "Yes, sure, no problem!" and said she gets freaked out now after being single for so long.

I just cant make out what you want... Its a bit confusing.[/QUOTE]

Okay.... here's what I want, assuming the communication issues get sorted and we continue to get along well: a long-term relationship. That said, I would not be happy making it official with her just yet because of the communication issues. I don't know where I stand with her, other than that she likes me. I've said that to her too, and asked for exclusiveness, only to get a non-committal reply and a veiled request to slow it down, which I did by saying she was still single (i.e. don't worry - we're not joined at the hip!) but that while we are sleeping together for the meantime I think it should be exclusive.

People are probably getting sick of this thread at this stage. Like I said, I have decided that it's up to her now. She can do the chasing and contacting for a while. I've done quite a bit so far. I like women who know what they want - she seems not to, and that is a slight turn off for me. I mean it would be okay if she tried to decide by communicating with me more to better get to know me, so that she could then decide. But instead she basically ignores me, so there's little movement it seems. It's a pity, as I like her in every other way. Not writing it off totally yet, but I can do no more and it's up to her now.

Maple · 17-05-2011 08:39PM

tbh OP, I think you're judging her on the sins of your girlfriends past.

I really think you're just overthinking the situation. Just give it time. Honestly everything is progressing at a very natural pace.

I totally get that you were really hurt by your previous relationships and that its hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position again, but you're trying to push this, and you're really overthinking everything. Your head must be totally wrecked.

You've done your part now, let her get in touch. Just give it a chance.

Distorted · 17-05-2011 08:59PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Actually, following on from physiology rocks' post, I have realised she is COMPLETELY correct. This is classic me. Bending over backwards and neglecting my own needs and wants.

Psychologically, I've come to the conclusion that this relationship will go nowhere. So when it does peter out, I won't be disappointed.

Way I see it, I have done a lot of leading, a lot of heavy lifting. I'm not going to initiate contact with her again until the weekend. Very much her turn now. I have needs and expectations too.

I had no idea these sort of things went through guy's minds when you start dating them and are just getting to know them. Wow. If this was a female friend, I would be cautioning her to cut back on the texts and phone calls in case she was taken for being a bunny boiler and send the guy running for the hills. I have to say that another well known red flag is the date who has been hurt by past relationships, or whose past partners apparantly all behaved badly towards them.

OP - you seem to have a perfectly normally forming relationship with this girl. But you swing wildy between writing her off for not texting back immediately, counting the hours between your last communication and worrying what she is going to be like at communicating at some distant point in the future. When you may or may not move to her native country.

You need to calm down! Do you not have other things to think about? You are overreacting by supposing things about her that you cannot possibly know after this amount of time. You want to create a good impression at this early stage, you want her to think you are cool, calm and collected, not a mass of mixed wildly conflicting emotions. You are going to drive her away if you carry on like this. But since in your latest post you were going to end it with her anyway in case it goes wrong, will it even matter? Maybe you just need to be single for a while, to collect your thoughts, til you're ready for a relationship?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 09:25PM

Maple, thanks, i will try to chill about this. Like I said, it's up to her now.

Honestly, I'm only venting on this thread. She has not been pestered one bit.

Distorted:

Yes indeed, guys do think like this (some guys anyway). I've had some very good relationships - it's just the last two were spectacularly bad. I don't blame the exes for treating me badly. Like I said, I am inclined to be a bit too accommodating, and inclined to overlook bad or strange behavior, so my BS detector is just hyper sensitive and I am very wary of making the same mistakes again, i.e. me doing all the work or making all the compromises, as that is what this situation feels like. I genuinely am good with women - at making them laugh, flirting, getting intimate, being open. I do very well in the early stages and I come across as really confident, because I largely am. But I'm also privately very sensitive...I am an emotional guy, but i keep it all to myself - and this thread. She would be shocked if she read this as she'd never suspect i was thinking these things.

I have lots of other things to be thinking about, you're right, so I'll focus on those now. It's just I was at such a depth of misery after the last breakup, I didn't think I could like anyone every again. And now I feel the beginnings of it for this girl, I kind of feel healed again. It would just bum me out if it went south after me opening up again, y'know? Anyway, I just have a warning bell going off in my head. My instincts are usually right...any time I have ignored them in the past, I usually regretted it.

I'll not contact her first again until at least the weekend. Will post back then with an update.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 09:34PM

Op... I'm following this thread and you are way too intense and you need to calm down. You are creeping me out. Is this the reason why you are going for foreign women? Any self respecting Irish woman would just run a mile away from this...

neveah · 17-05-2011 10:11PM

creeped out wrote: »

Op... I'm following this thread and you are way too intense and you need to calm down. You are creeping me out. Is this the reason why you are going for foreign women? Any self respecting Irish woman would just run a mile away from this...

Ah that's a bit harsh to be fair.

OP you sound like a very nice person who has a lot of love to offer someone and all you need to do is find that right person, sometimes it takes a while and it doesn't matter what country they are from. Do exactly what you said in your last post, don't contact her for the next few days and let her get onto you. You are definitely overthinking things but look that's not a crime, it's obvious you've had a few bad experiences and you want to save yourself the pain. Just be aware yourself that you may inadvertently scare her off if you come across too strong, but I think you know that anyway. Be yourself and you're right to listen to your gut instinct, it's usually correct but just try to relax and go with the flow. Another reason she could be holding back is that she knows that she is going home soon for 9 weeks, she might not want to get too serious with you when she knows that a long enough period of seperation is just around the corner.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 10:23PM

Thanks neveah and sunflower. I'd hate to think i was coming across as a creep.. I think anyone who knows me would say I was one of the most uncreepy guys they knew!

Just like sunflower said, I slept with her, so I feel something for her. Not every guy is just after sex you know. It actually means something to me.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 10:34PM

OP, I am following your thread and I can see your point of view. I would be cautious after bad experiences myself, so I can understand your worries.
However as a woman I have fairly traditional rules when it comes to dating...I tend to let the man take the lead, and I wonder if there is some cultural element to your girl's reaction to phone calls? Also I did in the past have a experience with a persistent man and because of this it takes me a long time to relax about phone calls....maybe this girl has been pursued and is very wary of men?If she is a pretty girl far from home she may be even more wary.
I think you need to relax a little and just enjoy her company when you see her.
It is still very early days and you should be just looking forward to meeting up.
Don't ruin things by game playing. She is happy in your company and wants to keep meeting up.......that is pretty much the green light.
I am not a fan of mobiles at all, I think they can ruin romantic relationships.
Up to recent times you made a date with someone and hoped they turned up.....this modern crap of constant contact with each other when you are only getting to know each other is for the birds !
Relax, and stop sabotaging things before they have even started.

solerina · 17-05-2011 10:57PM

creeped out wrote: »

Op... I'm following this thread and you are way too intense and you need to calm down. You are creeping me out. Is this the reason why you are going for foreign women? Any self respecting Irish woman would just run a mile away from this...

I can see where you are coming from, although you are being a bit over the top in this criticism....the OP is coming across as a bit needy and posessive and to be honest if I wa sthe girl I would be wondering do I really need this ??
Play it a bit cooler OP and maybe things may improve, I would find you a bit over the top and probably want to take things slowly too the way you are pushing things, and dont ring her again when she has already told you she doesnt want you to.

prinz · 17-05-2011 11:21PM

I use the phone A LOT at work OP so when I'm not at work I don't like spending a lot of time on the phone, I generally take my mobile off, put it on silent and ignore it if someone rings. If someone wants to contact me urgently, my friends and family know at this stage to text and ask me to return a call. Otherwise it's nearly all by text.

oncebitten · 18-05-2011 09:48AM

OP, are you sure that she doesn't have someone waiting for her in the 9 weeks she's going to be in her own country?

It sounds to me like there is a possibility that she is waiting to see how a relationship works out at home and is unwilling to get into anything too serious here until she sees how that pans out. It may be that she likes you but doesn't want to make any promises. She may be keeping you as a back-up plan but wants to give the guy at home a chance first.

I may be completely off the mark but at least it's another angle to consider.

thecookingapple · 18-05-2011 10:16AM

creeped out wrote: »

Op... I'm following this thread and you are way too intense and you need to calm down. You are creeping me out. Is this the reason why you are going for foreign women? Any self respecting Irish woman would just run a mile away from this...

Quite an ironic statement there!!! as if ''foreign women'' are somehow inferior?

Anyway OP, you like this girl more than she likes you, at the moment, thats something you just have to deal with and balance, it is early stages and let nature takes it course.

Good Luck

Distorted · 18-05-2011 11:32AM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Distorted:

Yes indeed, guys do think like this (some guys anyway). I've had some very good relationships - it's just the last two were spectacularly bad. I don't blame the exes for treating me badly. Like I said, I am inclined to be a bit too accommodating, and inclined to overlook bad or strange behavior, so my BS detector is just hyper sensitive and I am very wary of making the same mistakes again, i.e. me doing all the work or making all the compromises, as that is what this situation feels like. I genuinely am good with women - at making them laugh, flirting, getting intimate, being open. I do very well in the early stages and I come across as really confident, because I largely am. But I'm also privately very sensitive...I am an emotional guy, but i keep it all to myself - and this thread. She would be shocked if she read this as she'd never suspect i was thinking these things.

I have lots of other things to be thinking about, you're right, so I'll focus on those now. It's just I was at such a depth of misery after the last breakup, I didn't think I could like anyone every again. And now I feel the beginnings of it for this girl, I kind of feel healed again. It would just bum me out if it went south after me opening up again, y'know? Anyway, I just have a warning bell going off in my head. My instincts are usually right...any time I have ignored them in the past, I usually regretted it.

I know its good to talk about your feelings and get them out there and all that. But there comes a stage when it serves you better to keep them to yourself. What is the point in thinking over what happened in the past and letting it affect you so readily now? OK, I hear what you are saying regarding not letting her know any of this but (a) its probably coming across to her anyway and (b) its a tad dishonest, if you are trying to hide what kind of person you are.

You sound incredibly emotional (I must say alarm bells go off in my head whenever I hear someone, male or female, repeatedly use the word "healing" in a dating sense). Either that, or she is bringing out some anxiety in you. Perhaps you need someone who loves getting phoned and texted all the time, and should base whatever criteria you judge your attraction to the opposite sex around that, if its so important to you?

Most people have experienced bad break-ups at some point, its just life, its a learning experience and you get over them because otherwise you risk coming across as obsessed or a bit of a wimp.

This girl sounds independent (as most intelligent women are these days), perhaps she is not the one for you if you seem so worried all the time?

IrishEyes19 · 18-05-2011 04:26PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Actually, following on from physiology rocks' post, I have realised she is COMPLETELY correct. This is classic me. Bending over backwards and neglecting my own needs and wants.

Psychologically, I've come to the conclusion that this relationship will go nowhere. So when it does peter out, I won't be disappointed.

Way I see it, I have done a lot of leading, a lot of heavy lifting. I'm not going to initiate contact with her again until the weekend. Very much her turn now. I have needs and expectations too.

what? You were saying yesterday you felt strongly for her, and she was the first since your ex. You said you had a great weekend and you wanted to move to her country and now you are saying it will go nowhere. You need to slow down here and decide properly. People here are only to advice, not make decisions, make your own decision based on advice here, but take it with a pinch of salt.This thread is so varied, there really is no right and wrong answer here. Only compromising can make any relationship work

IrishEyes19 · 18-05-2011 04:31PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Excuse me, what the hell is it with people on this forum not reading posts properly and jumping to all sorts of absurd conclusions?

I told her I am willing to move to her country, actually, because (A) it's part of my plan all along (I speak the language, have lived there and worked there for over a year, and have friends there, and I would like to build a life there regardless of this current girl; and (B) because she asked me. It was one of the reasons she replied to my first email to her on the dating site actually. I listed one of my interests as the language and culture of her country. It's something we have in common. I happen to know quite well the area she is from. It's been a major source of our common ground. So read my posts properly before labelling me as something I'm not.

As for your comments on space, clearly some other posters in this post disagree with you. Perhaps your have closeness issues; I don't, and I don't think it's unusual for me to want an occassional text after dating someone for a month and having a weekend away.

I know my own mind, and someone who is that guarded about their space isn't for me, and isn't as ready for a relationship as I am.

I see that very clearly now thanks to physiologyrocks above.

If you think I'm needy, know that I'm done with making the moves and doing the chasing with this girl. She won't be hearing from me again unless she does some of the lifting for a change.

and I dont think she will "do some of the lifting for a change," your last talk with her about the whole her still being single issue" would tell me that you didnt want anything serious. And the stress on the phone calls may just break this for her too. Stop playing games even if you dont realise you are and see that both of you need to be on the same page with this, not competing to see who takes the most weight of the relationship and makes the most effort. It's dating, not a race. There isnt supposed to be a winner in the end here. Talk everything face to face, not by text, obviously not by phone call. And sort it out. Get everything into the open. Techonology is a curse :rolleyes:

LegacyUser · 18-05-2011 08:59PM

But irisheyes, almost all the other girls are telling me to back off her, that it's only been 4 dates, don't get too into it yet. You are saying the direct opposite. I was really clear that I liked her, she reacted gingerly and said she feels a little freaked out at the prospect of a relationship. So I heard that and tried to remove the pressure by saying, basically, "you're freaked out? Don't be - at this point you're still single. I am now confounded. I mean she did say she didn't know what she wanted, and she said she can't just go back into relationship mode after 4 years of being single. That sounds like a "back off a bit!" to me.

Either I contact her now and say, "yes I do want a relationship with you, in case I wasn't clear" or I follow other advice and ignore her for a change. Which is what I did today. And she ignored me right back.

I would like to talk to her, but that's a no-no over the phone. Would like to text, but if you're right, this is best done face-to-face. But I won't get to see her for 3 weeks despite offering to meet her midweek, an offer she rebuffed. But maybe she rebuffed it as she thinks I sounded non-committal.

So forgive me now if I don't know which way to turn! I'd like to contact her now and explain things if it's the case that you're right. On the other hand if I do, according to the other girls I'll be seen as needy or possessive, or a creep.

FFS!!! God I'd love to be a telepath

LegacyUser · 18-05-2011 10:11PM

Actually, as the OP could i request that you lock and/or delete this thread here. It's making me over think things and the advice is very contradictory in places. Thank you

Dating someone nice...strange text received

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