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17 year old boy with my 13 year old sister

  • 06-11-2011 08:02PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey guys,

    I need ASAP replies to this as I am feeling very disturbed and upset by it. I have a little sister, nine years younger than me so of course I am protective but I do not live with her. I have suspicions about her seeing a 17 year old which makes me sick and angry. I saw messages on facebook that piqued my suspicions and then found out he stayed with them at a sleepover when she told my parents she was with our cousin.

    Now that I have called her out on it she swears it's all innocent but upon checking her phone (my mam did, I couldn't do it as I'd feel too guilty) we have much reason to believe we need to keep them apart. There are messages from my 14 year old cousin telling her to tell me to f-off being a nosy so and so and that it won't be illegal until he turns 18.

    Obviously we can't get legal advice here and I know it's a tricky situation but can anyone tell me what we should do? She's only started 1st year this year and seems like a baby to me still. That guy is as close to my age as he is to hers. >:(


Comments

  • #2
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    What does your mam say?

    Sounds very very dodgy


  • #3
    ted1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,133 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Totally wrong, I'd make sure they don't see each other.


  • #4
    DazMarz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,493 ✭✭✭DazMarz


    He's 17 (at/above legal age of consent).

    She's 13 (below legal age of consent).

    At least I'm 99% sure the age of consent in the Republic Of Ireland is 17. Double check that, and then if it's correct, I'd seriously consider contacting either the Gardaí or a solicitor. If I'm right, and if he is engaging in sexual activity with her, he's breaking the law and is a statutory rapist.

    Just double check the facts and be sure... but it's horribly seedy sounding. He's obviously sexually mature and far more mentally mature than a 13 year old girl, and he should really know better. Hope you solve this problem soon. Good luck!


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Myself and my mam are livid and we've spoken to my sister and of course the little thing is very, very upset now that it's all out. I've hugged her and tried to explain why we are so concerned. I just don't know what to do. She won't block him off facebook and I know he can text her. We will keep them apart but what should I do about text and facebook contact? Is it ok in this situation to take control ourselves and remove him from facebook?

    I tried to talk to my little cousin about it to assure her that it IS very dodgy territory but was greeted with a lot of abuse about trying to make her seem stupid and to p!ss of etc. Good luck to her parents sorting her out. I'm not concerned about her right now, I just want to know what's the safest and fairest way to protect my little sister?


  • #6
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    She is far too young to be in any kind of relationship, let alone with someone so much older and mature.I wouldn't be pussy footing around here, I'd be putting the fear of God in her (and him) and keeping them apart.Is your Dad on the scene at all?


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  • #7
    Justask
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,391 ✭✭✭Justask


    Why would any 17 year old want to havea sleep over for??? never mind with a 13 year old :eek:

    If it was my daughter/sister this 17 year old would be told if he comes near my daughter/sister again that the garda would be involved. And I wouldnt care how much of a tatrum the 13 year old throws

    A 17 year old has nothing in common with a 13 year old.IMO its just not right


  • #8
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Yeah - the immediate problem is the 17 year old and he needs to be taken out of the picture.

    The main worry is the 13 year old - why does she think this is ok?? She needs to be raised to know better or this will keep happening again.


  • #9
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    You have to be careful how you go about it aswell.

    She could just rebel against yas and just make things worse.

    I think you's need to try to make her see what is wrong with the situation and seeing as she seems to be headed down a bad path, it's not to late for her to turn it all around.


  • #10
    John Doe1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,921 ✭✭✭John Doe1


    If that was my little sister, id probably try to have a little "man-to-man chat" with this guy to set him straight about how you feel and make him aware of the law.


  • #11
    deisemum
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,710 ✭✭✭deisemum


    Do you know the boy's parents, if so maybe a very direct conversation to them about getting the gardai involved if their son comes near your sister again.

    I've been in your situation before but was called allsorts for trying to do something about it but my sister ended up a mum at 15.


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  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've also been called all sorts tonight Deisemum.. Not a nice situation.

    That younger cousin mentioned above was giving it socks on Facebook about the whole thing so I set her straight which probably wasn't a clever move. Now I probably look like I'm completely in the wrong but I'm so so SO angry at them all. Stupid 17 year old should have friends his own age.

    The adult of the house where this sleepover happened has implied that we are over reacting and that they were supervised.


  • #13
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Your parents/Mum drop round to the 17 year olds parents and explain what their son is up to. Making sure to emphasise that your sister has just turned 13 & that you don't want to go to the Gardai but you will if he doesn't keep his distance and that you are saving all texts and facebook conversations from him. Most parents would utterly freak out at that and so it'll hopefully have an effect on him getting in touch. If you do block him off facebook there's nothing stopping him from setting up a new account etc. to try get in touch with her so go to the source to try & get it stopped.

    Bear in mind that there's nothing actually at all illegal about a 17 year old 'seeing' a 13 year old, it's only illegal for them to have sex, just when it come to suggestions of going straight to the Gardai about him.


  • #14
    Mahogany
    Closed Accounts Posts: 343 ✭✭Mahogany


    DazMarz wrote: »
    He's 17 (at/above legal age of consent).

    She's 13 (below legal age of consent).

    At least I'm 99% sure the age of consent in the Republic Of Ireland is 17. Double check that, and then if it's correct, I'd seriously consider contacting either the Gardaí or a solicitor. If I'm right, and if he is engaging in sexual activity with her, he's breaking the law and is a statutory rapist.

    Just double check the facts and be sure... but it's horribly seedy sounding. He's obviously sexually mature and far more mentally mature than a 13 year old girl, and he should really know better. Hope you solve this problem soon. Good luck!
    Last thing you want is the gaurds involved, what if she made the move on him? then its totally unfair on him..


  • #15
    CyberJuice
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 692 ✭✭✭CyberJuice


    if you are a guy then go meet up with the guy,tell him if you see him near your sister again youll kick his teeth down his throat,

    you dont mention your father so ive no idea if he is around,but if your a girl and your father is there mayb he could tell the guy whats gonna happen to him if hes contacting your little sister..

    failing that,mayb you have a guy friend that your close to and he could go have a word with the guy.


  • #16
    qwertytlk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 747 ✭✭✭qwertytlk


    Hi,
    i agree with everyobe else in that this isnt right and they need to be kept apart. But i think you need to tread carefully here as we all know whats its like to be told we 'cant' do something, it makes us want to do it all the more! And this is obviously a situation you want to avoid, where by they want each other more because there not allowed to be together.



    I know this probably isnt something you want to hear but you or your mam should be talking to her about sex and more importantly contraception. The last thing you want is for her to end up pregnant at this age, or with a sexually transmitted disease. As awful as it is, alot of people are having sex at this age and younger. The fact that she is with a sexually mature 17 year old may mean she has been sexually active with this guy. Hopefully it hasnt gone that far but you should be aware its a huge possibility.

    Fingers crosses she see's sense anyway and works out that its not normal for a 17 yr old to want to be in a relationship with a 13 yr old, who is actually still a child and onviously wouldnt be ready mentally or physically for the type of relationship a 17yr old would be interested it.

    It boggles the mind what the hell a boy(almost a man)would want to be with a child for?! Unless perhaps he is a bit slow or way behind and seriously immature for his age?

    Hope it works out.
    Best of luck


  • #17
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    As well as approaching the gardai the following might be worthwhile.

    Your parents - approaching his parents - informing them that irrespective of his age - above/below 17 he is breaking the law and if they want their son registered as a sex offender then all they have to do is nothing... That should put the fear of god into them - however they have to follow through on the threat.

    I think your parents also need to talk to their relations regarding the cousin. Personally that cousin needs more than a little education and in my mind needs to be taken out of the picture as clearly their influence is rotten.

    I remember what it was like being 13 - convinced I knew it all - however consequences are still not really there - does your sister really understand what could happen - not just the pregnancy but spending the rest of her teenage years caring for a young baby and the medical complications that can arise from having sex before her body is mature enough to cope?

    Instead of making you the villan here I think you are the only one with a sensible head on your shoulders - yes for the next while you are the enemy - however as she ages hopefully she will see that you are not acting out of spite but out of love. At this point I think you need to hand it all over to your parents - she is their responsibility - just be there for the family as much as you can.


  • #18
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Bring the 13 year old to the GP and have the GP talk with her about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, single motherhood, contraception, age of consent and the difference in maturity between 13 and 17 year olds. If youve got a good GP that you can talk to you can ask the GP to put a good fright into her (my own GP told me before that she sees 13 year olds with STIs and puts the fear of god into them regarding how much worse it could be).

    Contact the 17 year olds parents and explain that it is inappropriate for him to be conducting a relationship with a 13 year old and that if it continues you will have to consider speaking to the guards.

    The cousin needs to be taken in hand as well, can your parents speak to her parents and have it explained clearly to her why this is a bad situation?

    As another poster said, there is nothing wrong with a 17 year old seeing a 13 year old, its only illegal if they have sex, but you just wouldnt know what theyd be up to and there would always be the fear that they were having sex with each other - the age gap is too big at that age for me to believe that they could just be good friends.


  • #19
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,488 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    dilemma2 wrote: »
    We will keep them apart but what should I do about text and facebook contact? Is it ok in this situation to take control ourselves and remove him from facebook?
    She's 13. Mobile Phones and Internet access are a privilege which can be withdrawn at any time.


  • #20
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    username123 wrote: »
    Bring the 13 year old to the GP and have the GP talk with her about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, single motherhood, contraception, age of consent and the difference in maturity between 13 and 17 year olds.

    In fairness, her mother should have done that already.

    Certainly, when mini me was 12/13, I gave her a large printout of all diseases you can get, talked her through them and asked her to study them for question time later.
    I also told her to stick to boys her own age as the older they were, the more they would expect from her.
    I told her that she should keep the first time for someone special and that she could come to me when she needed to go get the pill & condoms.
    Anytime she started going out with someone, I would check how things were going.

    I am a firm believer that if you prepare your child well in advance for all possible outcomes, they are informed, educated and ready.

    Were my 13 year old daughter drawing the attentions of a 17 year old boy, I would calmly ask her the following:

    Why do you think that a much older boy would be interested in a 13 year old?
    Is it because he thinks you are young and easy prey?
    Does he think that by flattering you, he will get his way?
    Is he aware that he can be arrested if he were to do anything sexual to you?

    Help your sister to think critically and logically. I had been teaching my daughter how to do that from a very early age.

    As for Facebook etc - When my daughter was that age, the computer was where I could see it and I knew all websites used. She was allowed on it for X amount of time and that was it.


  • #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm still angry this morning. My poor little sister is upset but I think it's important she realises it's not normal for a 17 year old to be expressing interest in her.

    I talked to her last night and she said nothing has ever happened with them and that they've only ever hugged.

    You are indeed right about the little cousin, she is a bad influence and the child needs to be educated properly but it will never happen. Unfortunately as good as my aunty is, she will never, ever discipline her. My 14 year old cousin gave me all sorts of crazy abuse over facebook lastnight and nothing was said. I rang my aunt and said it's bizarre behaviour and she needs to put a stop to it and within 10 mins my little cousin was on facebook again. There is no discipline and no education in that household. I will do everything I can to keep my little sister away from her. They are too old for this stuff to be let go and it is dangerous.

    Just to update ye, we spoke to the two adults involved and they have implied that we're totally over reacting, that they're just friends etc and that the sleepover was supervised. (which my sister has since said was not true!)

    The cousin has said I'm a horrible sister and that my little sister will never trust me again and that I should give her a break and while I am upset by that, I don't think it's true. Whether friends or not, sleepovers with 17 year boys at 13 is not acceptable. They can say I'm a bitch all they want. I just want to protect her.

    Also, in relation to the type of relationship they have, there is a lot of mention of contraception and STI's. It isn't that serious and they have only hugged and he has just told her he's interested but according to her nothing has happened. But I know how quickly it can escalate and being older and having been 17, I know they must be on very different wave lengths. I feel sick over all the crap I've gotten over this but am SO grateful to you all for the advice. Thanks a million.


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  • #22
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,505 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Mahogany wrote: »
    Last thing you want is the gaurds involved, what if she made the move on him? then its totally unfair on him..
    It wouldn't be unfair on him! He's 17, she's 13, the responsibility lies with him.

    As quertytlk alluded to, I'd actually be worried that this 17 year old is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Maybe he has a lot of trouble socialising with people his own age, and it's easier for him with 13 year olds because he gets instantly accepted by them because his age makes him cool. I know that when I was 13, any girl going out with an older guy (although older meant 15, not 17!) would be seen as pretty popular.

    Personally I don't think that speaking to/disciplining your sister is going to help much. I also don't think this guy's parent's care much. I'd speak to him and tell him that if they have sex it is statutory rape and he will go to jail. And that you will know if it happens. I'd concentrate on scaring him away rather than trying to turn your sister off it.


  • #23
    ted1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,133 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Mahogany wrote: »
    Last thing you want is the gaurds involved, what if she made the move on him? then its totally unfair on him..

    no way is that true, statatoruy rape is their to prevent this.


  • #24
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Thankseveryone wrote: »
    It isn't that serious and they have only hugged and he has just told her he's interested

    Does your little sis know why a 17 boy would be interested in her?
    I find it odd that a boy of that age would be interested in someone so much younger than him.


  • #25
    Squiggler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    Does the boy even know that she is only 13? This is slightly off the point but I see 13 year old girls wandering around town who look closer to 30 because of the way they are dressed and the amount of make-up they are wearing.

    Definitely the boy should be warned. At that age 4 years is a huge difference, even if girls seem to mature much faster than teenage boys do.


  • #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Beruthiel, thanks for replying. I spoke to her myself calmly. I cuddled her and let her cry it out and then I asked her to tell me why she thinks he's hanging out with people so much younger. She said that the age gap is ok because it's only 4 years and that they all get on well as friends. Their mutual friend is 15 and she met him through her so she thinks that it's ok for him to hang out. She thought it was unfair that we want to stop him hanging out with her but I explained why we are concerned and she said she understands and that she's sorry and she feels guilty. Which I hate. I don't want her to feel bad but my cousin and that guy has told her that the age gap is fine and have all denied that there is any romantic interest there and that it's all platonic. They all say we're over reacting and trying to embarrass her for having a friend a bit older.

    However, he has expressed romantic interest in her, he's told her he likes her and he thinks she's so pretty etc. Which in my opinion, is weird for his age considering how young she is.

    And yep, the boy knows she's 13.


  • #27
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Squiggler wrote: »
    Does the boy even know that she is only 13? This is slightly off the point but I see 13 year old girls wandering around town who look closer to 30 because of the way they are dressed and the amount of make-up they are wearing.

    Definitely the boy should be warned. At that age 4 years is a huge difference, even if girls seem to mature much faster than teenage boys do.

    Oh please. If he's on her Facebook and was at a 'sleepover', I'm sure he's fully aware of her age (or at least the age group she's in).


  • #28
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    CyberJuice banned for a week.

    As per the forum charter - advocating violent behaviour of any description as a problem solver is not permitted on this forum.

    If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.


  • #29
    Ellie2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    I'm sorry OP maybe others will think I'm overreacting but...she's thirteen and has clearly demonstrated that her judgement of situations is not to be trusted, sometimes there is such thing as tough love, you or mother should be monitoring Facebook and if you think she is using her phone to contact him take it off her. As for the cousin why are you even engaging with a 14 year old who sounds like a total brat, tell her/him this is an immediate family matter and it will be handled as such and butt out. Ideally this should all be coming from your mother. When I was 13 my mother barely let me out of her sight and while I literally hated her for it I'm very thankful now, I was so eager to be cool God knows what I would have done.


  • #30
    BattleCorp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,799 ✭✭✭✭BattleCorp


    Mahogany wrote: »
    Last thing you want is the gaurds involved, what if she made the move on him? then its totally unfair on him..


    Doesn't matter if she made the move on him............. she is underage.

    I am nearly 40. Would it be ok for me to be with a 10 year old if she made the first move......... I don't think so.

    If he has any sexual contact, and I mean *any* sexual contact, then he is comitting a crime.

    I'd report him, plain and simple. If he isn't having any inappropriate contact with the girl, then he will have nothing to fear.

    If he is, then he will get exactly what he deserves.


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  • #31
    Ellie2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    BattleCorp wrote: »
    Doesn't matter if she made the move on him............. she is underage.

    I am nearly 40. Would it be ok for me to be with a 10 year old if she made the first move......... I don't think so.

    If he has any sexual contact, and I mean *any* sexual contact, then he is comitting a crime.

    I'd report him, plain and simple. If he isn't having any inappropriate contact with the girl, then he will have nothing to fear.

    If he is, then he will get exactly what he deserves.

    I think the OP has to be fair, his behaviour is to say the least inappropriate but he is not 25 he is 17 and not fully mature himself, just barely above the age of consent. Unless your sister tells you or you have very good reason to suspect that he has been having sexual contact of any sort with your sister I think going to the Guards is OTT as a first step, I think to say he will have "nothing to fear" is assuming that the Guards or anyone else in this situation do not jump to conclusions, the Guards are not saints, we have numerous cases as evidence, start with his parents if you can but of course if he or they dont listen, Id be off to the Guards in a heartbeat at that stage.


  • #32
    BattleCorp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,799 ✭✭✭✭BattleCorp


    I take your point Ellie2008 that the 17 year old isn't fully mature and the fact that the Gardai do sometimes jump to conclusions by being over zealous. But we also have lots of cases where people stood back and did nothing in the past to prevent abuse, and look how many people were hurt (church cover-ups etc. etc.)

    The 17 year old has said that he is romantically interested in her, and she seems to like him so eventually *something* will happen between them (if it hasn't happened already). And I know 17 year old males, I was once one. The old hormones tend to overpower the sensible decision making function of the brain. I don't mean to be rude but they are like dogs in heat. This is why I would be concerned for the girls wellbeing.

    Maybe I was a bit too hasty in suggesting the Gardai straight away, but it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the welfare of a 13 year old girl.

    Probably the best course of action would be to speak to the 17 year old and pretty much warn him of the consequences if he has any *sexual* contact with the girl. I would inform him that he would be breaking the law if he has any physical contact with the girl and that you would have no hesitation reporting him to the Gardai for sexual assault of a minor or even statutory rape if it went that far.

    Remind him of jail, the sex offenders register etc etc and if he has any cop on, he will abandon his chase of this girl.

    But if I thought for one second that he was going to continue his chase, I would be off down to the Gardai in a heartbeat.

    Better be too hasty than stand back and possibly let a young girl be abused. (and no, abused is not too strong a word because that is technically what it would be).


  • #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BattleCorp wrote: »
    The old hormones tend to overpower the sensible decision making function of the brain. I don't mean to be rude but they are like dogs in heat. This is why I would be concerned for the girls wellbeing.

    Maybe I was a bit too hasty in suggesting the Gardai straight away, but it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the welfare of a 13 year old girl.

    Probably the best course of action would be to speak to the 17 year old and pretty much warn him of the consequences if he has any *sexual* contact with the girl. I would inform him that he would be breaking the law if he has any physical contact with the girl and that you would have no hesitation reporting him to the Gardai for sexual assault of a minor or even statutory rape if it went that far.

    Remind him of jail, the sex offenders register etc etc and if he has any cop on, he will abandon his chase of this girl.

    Better be too hasty than stand back and possibly let a young girl be abused. (and no, abused is not too strong a word because that is technically what it would be).

    Ohhhh All off the above plus one!! Reminding him that being on the SEX OFFENDERS registers does not differenciate. What I mean is you are just put on the list it does not explain why. So when a Government agency or an employer want to vet you for employment they wont see it that way. They will just see SEX OFFENDER, that covers child abusers, rapists, padeophiles (not always the same as child sexual abuse) and others. That list will follow you until the day you die. Who is to say that a law wont be passed in the future that that list wont be available to local communites. Bye bye American Visas and please register locally if you relocate in Europe and please dont leave the country with informing the relative authorities. And that is for the rest of your life. people wont see it as two young people who did something stupid... they will see it as sexual abuse. Anyway its not so bad in jail, he can get his degree in there by the time he is finished and he will be popular with all the boys.

    If that doesnt scare the sugar out of him ... nothing will.


  • #34
    Mahogany
    Closed Accounts Posts: 343 ✭✭Mahogany


    ted1 wrote: »
    no way is that true, statatoruy rape is their to prevent this.
    She might have lied about her age.

    Everyone is quick to blame the dude, which just isn't fair at all, she could've made the first move, she could've lied about her age etc.

    We can't just assume its all his fault.


  • #35
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mahogany - if you have not done so already please review our charter.
    Dragging up old threads is a no no and we will close them.
    PI / RI is a strictly moderated forum and we action all breaches to the rules here.

    Thanks
    Taltos


This discussion has been closed.
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