No kids at 38

LegacyUser · 24-03-2013 09:03PM #1

I'm not going to make this a long post. I'll get straight to the point:-

I'm really anxious that I'm 28 and have no children. I'm in a relationship for over a year. We're not in the place to have kids yet. I would like them one day. It feels like I'm wasting time by waiting.

What if I end up never having them?

Ickle Magoo · 24-03-2013 09:59PM

Your title says 38 & your post 28 - I'm going to assume that you are worried because it's the former and the 28 is a typo.

Hope you get some good advice, OP. :cool:

LegacyUser · 24-03-2013 10:24PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Your title says 38 & your post 28 - I'm going to assume that you are worried because it's the former and the 28 is a typo.

Hope you get some good advice, OP. :cool:

38... sorry.

fussyonion · 24-03-2013 10:34PM

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, OP, you're only 38 and I assume in good health.

Despite how you feel, you really aren't wasting time at your age. Plenty of women have kids well into their forties and even fifties!

It obviously isn't the right time for you and your partner to take the plunge and have a baby and actually, you should be commended for being sensible and actually admitting to each other you're not ready, rather than be one of those women who find themselves pregnant and can't cope because they weren't ready in the first place.

You've plenty of time to become a mother and if, for some reason it doesn't happen naturally, there are a myraid of options available to you.

All a child needs is love and good parents.

24-03-2013 10:46PM

Childless wrote: »

What if I end up never having them?

I think you need to think about the reason why you want children so badly. If you never end up having them then that's a fate you'll need to become comfortable with.

If you don't conceive yourself you can always adopt, but that said, I can't imagine it's healthy to feel like not having them would be the end of the world. It's perfectly fine for a person to make their children the centre of their life, but you can't hinge your happiness on having them, because you'll leave yourself lost if you don't manage to have them, and even if you do have them, you need to have other things in your life that make you happy too.

CaraMay · 24-03-2013 10:48PM

What is stopping you having kids now?

John Mason · 24-03-2013 10:51PM

i am 38 too and childless tbh if you want children you should really start trying tonight.

you could be fine and have children in your fifties or it could even be too late for you now (as is my case). you are already considered a geriatric in pregnant terms and are too old to adopt for most countries when you take into account the 4/6 year appraisal time.

you could go to a fertility place and get them to test the quantity and quality of your eggs

fussyonion · 24-03-2013 10:54PM

John Mason wrote: »

i am 38 too and childless tbh if you want children you should really start trying tonight.

you could be fine and have children in your fifties or it could even be too late for you now (as is my case). you are already considered a geriatric in pregnant terms and are too old to adopt for most countries when you take into account the 4/6 year appraisal time.

you could go to a fertility place and get them to test the quantity and quality of your eggs

Get real..she's hardly geriatric at 38!

Sure a man can make a baby well into his seventies and women don't have that luxury, but she's hardly geriatric!
I disagree she's too old to adopt-I know several couples who have adopted and they're in their late forties.

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

CaraMay · 24-03-2013 10:58PM

Fussyonion, Over 35 you are deemed a geriatric mother and to be having a geriatric pregnancy by the medical world.

John Mason · 24-03-2013 11:01PM

fussyonion wrote: »

Get real..she's hardly geriatric at 38!

Sure a man can make a baby well into his seventies and women don't have that luxury, but she's hardly geriatric!
I disagree she's too old to adopt-I know several couples who have adopted and they're in their late forties.

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

and your friends who adopted into their 40's had most likely started the process 6 years before hand. a lot of countries have close their doors to international adoptions which means there are a lot less available children.

these are the facts, you cannot sugar coat facts and it would be wrong to.

LegacyUser · 24-03-2013 11:12PM

fussyonion wrote: »

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

It's not about making her feel inadequate but stating fact as CaraMay points out in medical terms any woman over 35 is deemed to be a geriatric mother in the eyes of the medical world. I wouldn't be as dramatic as the other posters saying start now! but the OP needs to sit down and look at things realistically. She has some breathing room but not mountains of it.

38 certainly isn't too old but the OP has to take into consideration that once you enter your 40's your chances of natural conception start to drop each year. While that's still a number of years off the OP has to consider how long they would try naturally and if it doesn't happen they would need to go speak to a doctor about fertility treatments and tests will need to be done, they would go on waiting lists or have to pay to go private. All of this adds time and money to the equation not to mention a lot of stress on a body and a relationship. The OP needs to firstly ask the seriously honest question of it they want kids - is it important to them that they are biologically hers or would they consider adoption, many women just don't want to adopt and have hang ups about the child being 'theirs'.

Then her and her partner need to have a serious talk about if they will have a child together and if yes when they will start trying. Waiting to be in the right place money wise/job wise is understandable but they should agree if they aren't in that place in say 2 years they should just start trying regardless.

Shoves · 24-03-2013 11:19PM

Depends really, are you a bird or bloke? Realistically women do have a cut off point and chances of conceiving naturally diminish once you're over a certain age.
I'm 32 and pregnant on my first. Would've preferred to wait a few more years with work /study commitments but figured I'd better get cracking. Something else to consider, if you do have problems conceiving, your GP may not refer you to fertility specialist until after 2years.

Best thing to do is have a serious talk with your partner about what you both want and then with your GP. You're probably not going to get great advice on boards

LegacyUser · 24-03-2013 11:36PM

I'm female. And true-or-false I never said 'not having them would be the end of the world' but as a woman would be upsetting to find I've left it too late... for various reasons: having been in numerous long-term relationships that didn't work out etc.

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

Neyite · 25-03-2013 12:49AM

Childless wrote: »

I'm female. And true-or-false I never said 'not having them would be the end of the world' but as a woman would be upsetting to find I've left it too late... for various reasons: having been in numerous long-term relationships that didn't work out etc.

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

Why on earth does her opinion matter to you? Surely the only people who should decide how important marriage before children come along is you and your partner. Plenty of people have their children first and plan to marry down the line - I'm one of them.

Talk to your partner. Realistically you have a few years yet to conceive, but at the late thirties it can be harder to achieve quickly.

carolmon · 25-03-2013 10:36AM

Childless wrote: »

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

I think that's a bit unfair..........you were testing her opinion about having kids without being married but you didn't ask her about this issue directly, instead you focussed on the age you'd be by the time you and your partner married.

Maybe she thinks you want to be married first and so focused on the age factor in her answer...... she might have listened to you talk previously about getting married/ having kids in that order and think it's a given for you.

But tbh as another poster says it really shouldn't matter what other people think, if you feel the right thing for you and your partner is to try for a baby now go for it.... it's between you two only.
Personally if I was in your position and knew this is the man I wanted to have children with and he felt similarly I would start trying to conceive immediately,,,the practical details can be sorted out easily enough if the feeling is right between you,
good luck

seamus · 25-03-2013 11:06AM

Childless wrote: »

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

In the bluntest possible terms; you don't really have time to wait. You're not 23 anymore, and farting around just seeing where the relationship goes isn't really feasible if you plan on having children.

Assuming he's roughly the same age as you, he's probably well aware that a year is plenty of time in terms of deciding whether or not the relationship works, so I think you should set out your stall now. Let him know that your plan is children and you don't have time to wait, and then work from there.

Emme · 25-03-2013 11:21AM

fussyonion wrote: »

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, OP, you're only 38 and I assume in good health.

Despite how you feel, you really aren't wasting time at your age. Plenty of women have kids well into their forties and even fifties!

That isn't necessarily true. Women's fertility takes a nosedive at 35 and I wouldn't advise any woman to leave having children until after 40. I think the OP is perfectly entitled to be concerned.

I don't have children myself because I was leaving it until the "right" time. Now it's too late for me.

dr.bollocko · 25-03-2013 11:26AM

Why would the opinion of your friend matter in this scenario?
Your possibility of having children, I'm sure, is a much higher priority for you than the potential raised eyebrows of a few friends over getting pregnant while unmarried.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2013 11:35AM

seamus wrote: »

In the bluntest possible terms; you don't really have time to wait. You're not 23 anymore, and farting around just seeing where the relationship goes isn't really feasible if you plan on having children.

Assuming he's roughly the same age as you, he's probably well aware that a year is plenty of time in terms of deciding whether or not the relationship works, so I think you should set out your stall now. Let him know that your plan is children and you don't have time to wait, and then work from there.

+ 1 totally agree with Seamus, while you don't need to panic and start trying right this second you don't have any spare time to dick around. You need to talk to your partner about where your relationship is going. Does he want kids? Doesn't have to want them right now this second but what happens if you don't ask and wait another 2 years and find out he doesn't want them? Better to ask now even if you feel the relationship is still newish and it might be an uncomfortable conversation. If you both want different things then the relationship isn't going to last anyway. Ask him and then decide if having kids is important enough to end the relationship and find someone else. If he does want kids then you need to come to an understanding that it's not something you can put off forever and you should set a clear deadline for the latest you would start trying.

Siuin · 25-03-2013 01:56PM

John Mason wrote: »

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

and your friends who adopted into their 40's had most likely started the process 6 years before hand. a lot of countries have close their doors to international adoptions which means there are a lot less available children.

these are the facts, you cannot sugar coat facts and it would be wrong to.

For what it's worth, my mom had my brother at 36 and me 11 months later and both pregnancies went perfectly. Her gyni said that it's not age which matters but rather overall health. However I still think that the OP should seriously start looking into starting a family ASAP.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2013 02:07PM

My partner does want children. It was a conversation we had very early on as, again, time is slightly against us here so we both needed to know that we were on the same page.

I totally agree that my friend's opinion (and those of others) doesn't matter when you get down to the nitty gritty details but her reaction surprised me and threw me a bit. I would've expected an answer more along the lines of 'you don't need to have a ring on your finger to have kids these days'. I would never have been the type to always wish for 'the fairytale wedding and the kids to follow'. As in my nature I'm the type to see how things go and see where I end up.

Now I've ended up at 38, thinking about kids and how little time I have left to decide if it's a road I really, really want to go down. I can't dick around for much longer, which is the main point coming from all the posts.

Thanks so much for the advice. The clock ticks on!

Diziet · 25-03-2013 04:58PM

You are right to consider the issueof children now. It is all well and good to say that you have plenty of time, but the reality is that fertility decreases and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases significantly after the age of 38. I had a baby at 38 and that thinking was a significant factor.

But the other aspect is it takes 2 to tango, and you have to be sure your partner will be a good father. The wedding etc are immaterial.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2013 05:19PM

Diziet wrote: »

You are right to consider the issueof children now. It is all well and good to say that you have plenty of time, but the reality is that fertility decreases and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases significantly after the age of 38. I had a baby at 38 and that thinking was a significant factor.

But the other aspect is it takes 2 to tango, and you have to be sure your partner will be a good father. The wedding etc are immaterial.

Thanks so much for your reply. My partner has a child from a previous relationship. He's a great father.

I am really aware that I don't have plenty of time. No woman has 'plenty of time' when she's thinking about kids at the age of 38.

You're absolutely right that weddings etc are immaterial to whether you want to be with someone and start a family. However, f**king Catholic Ireland has done some huge harm to the psyche of most people in this country with regards to things like this. The Catholic guilt hangs over me in a kind of 'I'd be letting my parents down' kind of way. It's ridiculous, I know but it's easier said that done.

I'm not a practising Catholic or anything, might I add.

Gyalist · 25-03-2013 07:41PM

John Mason wrote: »

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

The medical term for a woman who has her first pregnancy after 34 is elderly primagravida.

dellas1979 · 25-03-2013 08:39PM

You are kind of letting everything dictate you having a choice to have children. If its not you are 1 year into your relationship (with a guy who already has a child-he knows what its all bout), its your friend's reaction, to "catholic ireland". Dont mean sound crass or something, but its you thats putting up all the hurdles, not your ovaries. in effect, Id be more worried about your mind-your reasons to bring a baby into the world, rather than if you can have them or not.

While those hurdles are in your head, no babies are coming out of no where!

If you want children.....if you were absolutely adamant that you want children, those hurdles/doubts wouldnt be a factor.

And finally, it is ok to not want to have children. All women have the plumbing, but not all were made to be mothers.

movingsucks · 25-03-2013 09:47PM

In my mind having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than being married to them (maybe I'm being simplistic here), so I'm not sure why you are worried or upset by what your friend said. The father of your child will always be a part of your life in some way, no matter what happens.
You can get married in three months. It takes at least nine to make a baby.
So when you said to your friend "by the time we get around to getting married" maybe she thought what you meant was by the time you're relationship is strong enough to consider marriage, plan and pay for a wedding?

I do think it might be better to have a child at 40 and be more sure of your relationship with the child's dad than have one at 39 and not be sure if that makes sense?

implausible · 26-03-2013 01:24AM

OP, if you have had "the chat" and he wants to have kids, surely he is aware of where your relationship is going and that time is not on your side? If you really want to have children, you need to get cracking now. Waiting around on this man to get down on bended knee and organise an overpriced knees-up will not increase your chances of conception. Equally, waiting around until he doesn't and the relationship goes stale will put you back where you started, except a few years older. If you want children and are worried, tell him, tell him now. If the huge surprise of a 38 year old woman being worried about her fertility is too much for him, then move on and get a sperm donor.

Life is too short to spend the second half of it having regrets and you are far more likely to regret not having children than letting a relationship go.

Diziet · 26-03-2013 01:51PM

Childless wrote: »

You're absolutely right that weddings etc are immaterial to whether you want to be with someone and start a family. However, f**king Catholic Ireland has done some huge harm to the psyche of most people in this country with regards to things like this. The Catholic guilt hangs over me in a kind of 'I'd be letting my parents down' kind of way. It's ridiculous, I know but it's easier said that done.

I'm not a practising Catholic or anything, might I add.

Is all this pressure real, or is it in your head? What does 'letting your parents down' mean, what is actually the worst that can happen? Would they take to their beds forever, or would they in fact be delighted with a grandchild? Nobody is holding a gun to you - you are entirely free to choose what you want to do. The decision is your responsibility.

Catholic guilt is over-rated :-)

Addle · 26-03-2013 02:15PM

Diziet wrote: »

Catholic guilt is over-rated :-)

Couldn't agree more.
Though a pregnancy out if wedlock may not be considered ideal by some parents, once the baby arrives, there is no denying their love for it.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2013 04:21PM

Addle wrote: »

Couldn't agree more.
Though a pregnancy out if wedlock may not be considered ideal by some parents, once the baby arrives, there is no denying their love for it.

I totally agree. But you know how you need to get thoughts out of your head to hear how ludicrous they are... and gaining other people's perspectives always helps get your thoughts straight in your head.

I would like to start conversations about this with my partner now. I'm on the pill so even if I stop taking it it'll take a while to get my body back into normal hormonal behaviour!

As another poster mentioned, "Waiting to be in the right place money wise/job wise is understandable but they should agree if they aren't in that place in say 2 years they should just start trying regardless." I really like the idea of putting a timeline on it and whether circumstances are 'perfect' or not we should go ahead regardless.

implausible · 26-03-2013 05:31PM

Childless wrote: »

I would like to start conversations about this with my partner now. I'm on the pill so even if I stop taking it it'll take a while to get my body back into normal hormonal behaviour!

Just on this - it's not always the case. I know of many women, including myself, who got pregnant immediately after stopping the pill. Your hormone levels can soar once you stop due to being suppressed so long, making you very fertile.

Good luck with it OP, don't put off the conversation!

No kids at 38

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