Told friend I am in love with him ....

LegacyUser · 29-10-2013 10:12AM #1

I recently told a very close (straight) friend that I am in love with him (via text-mostly because I was a coward I guess not doing so in person). I explained in broad strokes that it wasn't his fault and I am not even sure why it happened, but that I am trying to sort it out.

I am going through some issues with my wife for a good few months now and he has always been there for me. I wanted to be honest with him and myself (frankly it was wrecking my head - feeling strong emotions for him) and I said that if he wanted to part ways I'd understand but that he must at least give me one opportunity to explain to him face to face what's going on.

I have been talking about the whole ordeal with a close friend of mine who is a psychologist and he explained that it is possible for straight guys to fall in love with another straight guy under certain circumstances, but unfortunately never managed to finish the conversation. I am doing some serious soul searching and AFAIK I do not have any gay tendencies (even tho I am not a homophobic at all).

Now he refuses to see me. He responded by saying that he needs time to think and that I need to take time to sort issues out with my wife. This is pretty much what I figured would happen, and in a sense it feels like a burden has been lifted from me because of my honesty. He assured me he is not angry or upset with me, that he will not tell anyone - because "he cares too much".

But here is the caveat. As a final parting text he explained that he was in a relationship with another male a couple of years ago (which took me by complete surprise) and he is trying to forget about the whole experience. I always knew something was plaguing him but I was never 100% sure, since he managed to hide it so well.

Over the past number of months there has been some friction between us and he always had some excuse for not wanting to meet up with me in the pub. After an argument later on, we had a face-to-face chat where he said three very curious things (which didn't strike me at the time) to me during the conversation:

1) That he "REALLY" enjoys spending time with me,
2) jokingly said that we are almost like a couple, and
3) that the reason he didn't really want to get drunk with me is because "then the truth will come out". But he never explained what he meant with that.

I am now thinking that he actually feels the same (even though he refuses to admit it) about me, but is scared that it will ruin things for him and me/my wife. I understand this is not a relationship that I could possibly pursue, but I just wanted to be honest with him. Is it possible that he is struggling with his sexuality? Or is he really trying to distance himself from his past relationship? I am very confused about this whole situation/response, and deeply hurt.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

floggg · 31-10-2013 05:36PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

I recently told a very close (straight) friend that I am in love with him (via text-mostly because I was a coward I guess not doing so in person). I explained in broad strokes that it wasn't his fault and I am not even sure why it happened, but that I am trying to sort it out.

I am going through some issues with my wife for a good few months now and he has always been there for me. I wanted to be honest with him and myself (frankly it was wrecking my head - feeling strong emotions for him) and I said that if he wanted to part ways I'd understand but that he must at least give me one opportunity to explain to him face to face what's going on.

I have been talking about the whole ordeal with a close friend of mine who is a psychologist and he explained that it is possible for straight guys to fall in love with another straight guy under certain circumstances, but unfortunately never managed to finish the conversation. I am doing some serious soul searching and AFAIK I do not have any gay tendencies (even tho I am not a homophobic at all).

Now he refuses to see me. He responded by saying that he needs time to think and that I need to take time to sort issues out with my wife. This is pretty much what I figured would happen, and in a sense it feels like a burden has been lifted from me because of my honesty. He assured me he is not angry or upset with me, that he will not tell anyone - because "he cares too much".

But here is the caveat. As a final parting text he explained that he was in a relationship with another male a couple of years ago (which took me by complete surprise) and he is trying to forget about the whole experience. I always knew something was plaguing him but I was never 100% sure, since he managed to hide it so well.

Over the past number of months there has been some friction between us and he always had some excuse for not wanting to meet up with me in the pub. After an argument later on, we had a face-to-face chat where he said three very curious things (which didn't strike me at the time) to me during the conversation:

1) That he "REALLY" enjoys spending time with me,
2) jokingly said that we are almost like a couple, and
3) that the reason he didn't really want to get drunk with me is because "then the truth will come out". But he never explained what he meant with that.

I am now thinking that he actually feels the same (even though he refuses to admit it) about me, but is scared that it will ruin things for him and me/my wife. I understand this is not a relationship that I could possibly pursue, but I just wanted to be honest with him. Is it possible that he is struggling with his sexuality? Or is he really trying to distance himself from his past relationship? I am very confused about this whole situation/response, and deeply hurt.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

I don't want to give you false hope, but maybe there might be something there. I thought it curious when he said he needed time to think - if he didn't feel anything for you there wouldn't be much to think about.

That said, the situation is likely too complicated for him to deal with at the moment. By the sounds if it, he's gay or bisexual to some degree but may be trying to repress it. Added to that, if he has developed feelings for you, he now knows there might be something there on your end but knows nothing is likely to come of it.

So does he open up that whole gay can of worms again for himself by admitting he has feelings for you (assuming he does) knowing it can't go anywhere?

Dr. Shrike · 31-10-2013 07:51PM

You're saying there's no chances of a relationship between you and him, but I don't think your emotions are going to take that no for an answer.

So it's possible you'll have to make a decision about whether you do want to try for a relationship with him, or temporarily cut him out of your life to save your marriage.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2013 10:17AM

OP here: Thank you for the responses.

It has been an ordeal that have caused me great sadness, hurt and pain - I didn't realize that it can exist on this level and that it would have such an impact on me.

In the past he has done it several times - he would get incredibly upset with me for no apparent reason, and then just disappear for weeks and months at a time. (He has even gone so far as to insult or ridicule me in front of his friends and I never understood this). But in the end he always came back.

The upside is that I am beginning to see a very clear picture of what was going on all this time. I haven't spoken to him for a week now and I have no idea if he is ever going to make contact again. Not sure about this time though. But I guess only time will tell.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 07:39PM

Thanks for the replies.

I registered an account as I can't see my last unregistered post.

Something else occurred to me that he said that was puzzling. Basically as part of his last text messages to me he said that "he want to see me but he can't", and that "even if he could see me, it cannot be alone." I responded by saying that that sounds odd as he knows that I will not "do anything to him", to which he only responded "he knows I wouldn't". This all just adds to the mystery of how he feels about me.

We haven't spoken now for a week (where we'd usually chat on a daily basis), and I am somewhat tempted to go look for him and see if he is willing to talk face-to-face. Any suggestions?

jabarrett35 · 04-11-2013 07:57PM

Hi, do you mind me asking how old this chap is? Because he seems a bit immature saying you can't be alone. What on earth does he think is going to happen. It sounds very complicated and will I'm sure use up a lot of your emotional energy. So I suggest you tread carefully and protect yourself.

Dr. Shrike · 04-11-2013 08:08PM

No mystery in my opinion, it sounds like he's totally into you.

And since you're totally into him, are you certain you'll be able to control your actions if he admits to it, face-to-face?

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 08:15PM

Mid to late 20's.

"Tread carefully and protect yourself" - do you mind me asking what you mean by this?

Emotionally it has been a roller-coaster yes. I do care for him a great deal and it would be very hard for me to cut him out. Mostly because, as hurt as I am, I am sure he is equally hurt (and dare I say confused) by this and his past/where he's at, so to speak.

To be honest, I haven't experienced sadness and hurt on this level before. It has been a mixture of emotions to long to list.

ViveLaVie · 04-11-2013 08:22PM

What about your wife...?

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 08:24PM

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

No mystery in my opinion, it sounds like he's totally into you.

You're not helping at all!

But he still doesn't want to see me. Not even on a video-call.

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

And since you're totally into him, are you certain you'll be able to control your actions if he admits to it, face-to-face?

Well. I don't know. I don't particularly view myself other than hetero - pretty sure I've always been into women, that's why this situation has really thrown me into chaos. Don't know what to think of myself.

But to me there are deeper things at risk here - I guess ultimately my heart. The real test to see what happens when we do get together, and that would give me more insight into myself and the future to come, I guess. I'd rather be interested in seeing how he reacts.

So do I pursue or not? Your previous post made me think. I need to answer some questions to myself.

jabarrett35 · 04-11-2013 08:26PM

So I presume you're of a similar age? How long have you known him for? I would never tell you to stop seeing him, but he may make that decision for you. However you should try and see him face to face and discuss it with him. But if he's not going to reciprocate your feelings it'll hurt even more trying to be his friend. That's what I meant by protecting yourself. You must have some control as well of the situation. Have you thought about discussing this with someone like the Gay help line. They can listen if not give you advice. Talking things out helps.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 08:28PM

ViveLaVie wrote: »

What about your wife...?

I honestly don't know. I am wrecking my head trying to make sense of all this. Perhaps this is my biggest test. Let me emphasize that I haven't done anything yet - I haven't cheated or anything. But it certainly has opened up a can of worms, emotionally, that is.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 08:30PM

jabarrett35 wrote: »

How long have you known him for?

4 years

ninty9er · 04-11-2013 08:31PM

ViveLaVie wrote: »

What about your wife...?

Yeah, this. I'd hate to be in your position tbh. I don't think you need counselling in the traditional sense, but you could do with some professional guidance to help you figure out if you need to have a trial separation from your wife.

Dr. Shrike · 04-11-2013 08:37PM

If you must meet him in real life, I'd suggest you meet him somewhere your conversation isn't going to be listened in on, BUT that you do have people able to see you both. That way you get enough privacy to talk, but no temptation for physical contact.

Another question. Do you have children with your wife? Are you both in your twenties?

jabarrett35 · 04-11-2013 08:37PM

I agree ninty9er you should look into getting some professional counselling just to help you understand what's happening with you. I know it's hard but I wouldn't worry about your friend, be more concerned about your own emotional health.

renraw · 04-11-2013 08:41PM

OP, I don't know what to say to you! From my experience, I'd say to you to not "give a damn" about what's gone on in your life. I've been there, done that and you know what? now? I couldn't give a shoite! Life is what we make it, and to be honest, I don't care what "certain" people here say! So ya told your friend you are in love with him!. I'm not making little of the situation but..."NEVERMIND", in fairness and the grand scheme of things!

Just thinking to myself, I've done a lot worse where friends are concerned! And do you know what? they're still friends! because? > they couldn't give a fook, because they're my mates..and they know, I'm not a bad person!

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 08:58PM

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

If you must meet him in real life, I'd suggest you meet him somewhere your conversation isn't going to be listened in on, BUT that you do have people able to see you both. That way you get enough privacy to talk, but no temptation for physical contact.

Well, even if I could agree him to do that, that will be enough for me. But that doesn't say much about going forward. Can a friendship ever recover from something like this?

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

Do you have children with your wife? Are you both in your twenties?

No.

Yes.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 09:01PM

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I agree ninty9er you should look into getting some professional counselling just to help you understand what's happening with you. I know it's hard but I wouldn't worry about your friend, be more concerned about your own emotional health.

It's wrecking my head already!

But you are correct. As time progress, the friendship grows dimmer, then time will heal?

Czarcasm · 04-11-2013 09:02PM

Eric tbh you answered your own question here -

Eric1988 wrote: »

I am now thinking that he actually feels the same (even though he refuses to admit it) about me, but is scared that it will ruin things for him and me/my wife. I understand this is not a relationship that I could possibly pursue, but I just wanted to be honest with him. Is it possible that he is struggling with his sexuality? Or is he really trying to distance himself from his past relationship? I am very confused about this whole situation/response, and deeply hurt.

He wants to distance himself from you and is conflicted about meeting you because it sounds like as much as he wants to meet you, he doesn't trust himself that he would be able to restrain himself and keep himself together. The chap sounds like he's racked with guilt, he doesn't want to have these feelings for you because he knows you're married and there's just more than himself could get hurt if anything were to happen between the two of you.

You mention that during a difficult time with your wife he was there for you, and I'm just wondering are you feeling the way you're feeling now because of the closeness you had with this guy almost like it was a replacement for the closeness you didn't have with your wife.

Do you think perhaps you could park your feelings for a while and give the guy some space, maybe concentrate on working things out with your wife than thinking about how you get closer to this guy? He's clearly not comfortable with the situation and I don't think you confronting him face to face will make the situation any better.

While I'm all for protecting yourself, you also need to consider the possibility that you're focussing on the wrong thing. You should be focussing on mending your relationship with your wife, not chasing down your friend who has tried to make it clear that he wants to extricate himself from the whole situation.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 09:02PM

renraw wrote: »

they couldn't give a fook, because they're my mates..and they know, I'm not a bad person!

... ermmm ... I may have said a few things to him in anger that I now regret ...

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 09:14PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

Eric tbh you answered your own question here -

He wants to distance himself from you and is conflicted about meeting you because it sounds like as much as he wants to meet you, he doesn't trust himself that he would be able to restrain himself and keep himself together. The chap sounds like he's racked with guilt, he doesn't want to have these feelings for you because he knows you're married and there's just more than himself could get hurt if anything were to happen between the two of you.

You mention that during a difficult time with your wife he was there for you, and I'm just wondering are you feeling the way you're feeling now because of the closeness you had with this guy almost like it was a replacement for the closeness you didn't have with your wife.

Do you think perhaps you could park your feelings for a while and give the guy some space, maybe concentrate on working things out with your wife than thinking about how you get closer to this guy? He's clearly not comfortable with the situation and I don't think you confronting him face to face will make the situation any better.

While I'm all for protecting yourself, you also need to consider the possibility that you're focussing on the wrong thing. You should be focussing on mending your relationship with your wife, not chasing down your friend who has tried to make it clear that he wants to extricate himself from the whole situation.

Thanks for this. Yes, you are right, and this is certainly part of my thinking process. Indirectly the reality is, am I willing to risk everything for something that may not work out at all? The answer is a definite no. Maybe I am a coward, maybe that's sensible. So I agree with what you said.

But I need to stop for a minute and ask myself why this has such an impact on me? As I mentioned, I do care about this friend very much. It would have been easier if his response was "erm, I am flattered but I am not like that, so sorry!", which is clearly not the case. Sadly, I have discovered a closeness, a bond and love in him that I haven't really felt in my marriage. (My marriage situation is complex, and out of scope of this discussion.)

So yeah - all good questions - and I do need to think clearly and carefully about all this.

Dr. Shrike · 04-11-2013 09:16PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

Well, even if I could agree him to do that, that will be enough for me. But that doesn't say much about going forward. Can a friendship ever recover from something like this?

My gut instinct is that as long as you, or both of you, have feelings that go beyond friendship, then you'll find it incredibly difficult to be friends.

Since you and your wife are in your twenties without children, your marriage's future is based entirely on how happy you both make each other. There's no potential guilt about how a breakup would affect children, or that you'd both be forced onto the dating scene, later in life.

I also recommend seeing a counsellor. Then try to figure out what will make you, your friend and your wife happiest.

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 09:18PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

He wants to distance himself from you and is conflicted about meeting you because it sounds like as much as he wants to meet you, he doesn't trust himself that he would be able to restrain himself and keep himself together. The chap sounds like he's racked with guilt, he doesn't want to have these feelings for you because he knows you're married and there's just more than himself could get hurt if anything were to happen between the two of you.

But you do concede to the fact that there is "something" from his end, no?

renraw · 04-11-2013 09:19PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

... ermmm ... I may have said a few things to him in anger that I now regret ...

I'm after saying soo many stooped things to friends, probably just through anger, I have lost track. So what? we get pissed of...we just want to go through the closest thing, just for a short cut!

We all get over it!

Eric1988 · 04-11-2013 09:25PM

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

My gut instinct is that as long as you, or both of you, have feelings that go beyond friendship, then you'll find it incredibly difficult to be friends.

If I understand you correctly, then that means that the friendship is pretty much doomed, right? I can't imagine how friends recover from something like this TBH. I think I am going to go cry now. Seriously.

ninty9er · 04-11-2013 09:31PM

Unfortunately, your marriage is in the scope of this discussion.

Ask yourself would you be so conflicted over this issue if you were both single? Would he be so reluctant to meet you? Would you feel the way you do if the 'forbidden fruit' element didn't exist?

There's lots of variables, but your overall individual happiness need to take precedence here. The only good reason to continue in your marriage is if you and your wife make each other happier than any other person ever could, and always will. You need to ask yourself if that's one of your truths.

Edit:

If you want to be friends with him, it could get awkward, unless you both have infallible self control. It'd be very easy (practically and theoretically, if not emotionally) to remain friends if these feelings were one-way

Dr. Shrike · 04-11-2013 09:36PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

If I understand you correctly, then that means that the friendship is pretty much doomed, right? I can't imagine how friends recover from something like this TBH. I think I am going to go cry now. Seriously.

Can you really imagine being friends with this guy when your emotions are constantly telling you to be more than friends? And what if he feels the same?

The feelings could subside after time though.

If you go back through the older threads on this forum, you'll find multiple posts featuring gay guys and lesbian women having to deal with their love for their straight friends. The common experience is that you can go back to being friends after some time, but it's never the same friendship.

pharmaton · 04-11-2013 09:40PM

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

Can you really imagine being friends with this guy when your emotions are constantly telling you to be more than friends? And what if he feels the same?

The feelings could subside after time though.

If you go back through the older threads on this forum, you'll find multiple posts featuring gay guys and lesbian women having to deal with their love for their straight friends. The common experience is that you can go back to being friends after some time, but it's never the same friendship.

true, happens a lot. I walked away from a perfect friendship last year because I knew for me it was more than just a friendship and while I was able to confide in her and she knew how I felt and was okay about it, I realised after some time that it was better for me to move on and cut all contact with her. It hurt (still does sometimes) but I knew it was the best thing for me. Clean cut and move on.

Pai Mei · 04-11-2013 09:40PM

I think you should look at your sexuality first tbh. If you are having these feelings for this guy then are you having feelings of sexual attraction to other guys?? If not then it could just be a closeness thing because you have such a bond with him. If you don't feel physically attracted to this guy or any guy then I would hold off on acting on anything. Try to figure that out first and then try to talk to him about it. Like could you see yourself actually sleeping with this guy??

Dr. Shrike · 04-11-2013 09:58PM

Has anyone mentioned the Married Men's support group?

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/mmg.html

Maybe you could call their helpline tomorrow and ask if they have any counsellor recommendations.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 12:25PM

Pai Mei wrote: »

I think you should look at your sexuality first tbh. If you are having these feelings for this guy then are you having feelings of sexual attraction to other guys?? If not then it could just be a closeness thing because you have such a bond with him. If you don't feel physically attracted to this guy or any guy then I would hold off on acting on anything. Try to figure that out first and then try to talk to him about it. Like could you see yourself actually sleeping with this guy??

I really need to think why this is bugging me so much. I have no fantasies about other guys nor do I think I would sleep with him.

Barna77 · 05-11-2013 03:22PM

Yeah told my best mate many years ago. His first reaction was shock and surprise, but no big deal altogether. He was actually kind of intrigued about it.

Wish he had turned to the dark side, because he's a ride ha!

I eventually got over him and we are still as good friends as ever.

Good luck to the OP

Czarcasm · 05-11-2013 03:45PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

But you do concede to the fact that there is "something" from his end, no?

What the hell has that got to do with anything?

Whatever way he feels about you, has he not tried to make it clear enough to you in a polite fashion that he is not interested in any sort of a relationship with a married man?

There's nothing for you to figure out here except your reasons for not wanting to accept the fact that this man does not want a relationship with you.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 07:32PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

What the hell has that got to do with anything?

Whatever way he feels about you, has he not tried to make it clear enough to you in a polite fashion that he is not interested in any sort of a relationship with a married man?

There's nothing for you to figure out here except your reasons for not wanting to accept the fact that this man does not want a relationship with you.

I appreciate your honesty. But there is a difference in what a person "wants to do" and "can't do". But what you are saying is more or less the message I got.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 07:38PM

ninty9er wrote: »

Unfortunately, your marriage is in the scope of this discussion.

Ask yourself would you be so conflicted over this issue if you were both single? Would he be so reluctant to meet you? Would you feel the way you do if the 'forbidden fruit' element didn't exist?

Yes and no. Yes, it has everything to do with my marriage. No, the complexity of my marriage that has led me to this conundrum, is, respectfully, not part of the discussion.

Also, if I was single, I would like to think, that I would not be in this situation, to be honest.

Czarcasm · 05-11-2013 08:05PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

I appreciate your honesty. But there is a difference in what a person "wants to do" and "can't do". But what you are saying is more or less the message I got.

Eric you're playing all sorts of word games to try and justify your obsession with this guy. The fact is he has tried to make it clear to you that he does NOT WANT TO DO anything with you.

He at least recognises the fact that he CAN'T DO anything with you, not least because of the fact that you're a married heterosexual man. You now need to be mature enough about the whole situation and stop making things worse for yourself and the other people involved in this mess.

In short - you need to stop being so immature and selfish and stop thinking only about yourself and what YOU want to happen. You need to accept the fact that it's not going to happen, and you shouldn't be trying to force this guy into something he is clearly uncomfortable with if you actually care about him like you say you do.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 08:45PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

Eric you're playing all sorts of word games to try and justify your obsession with this guy. The fact is he has tried to make it clear to you that he does NOT WANT TO DO anything with you.

He at least recognises the fact that he CAN'T DO anything with you, not least because of the fact that you're a married heterosexual man. You now need to be mature enough about the whole situation and stop making things worse for yourself and the other people involved in this mess.

In short - you need to stop being so immature and selfish and stop thinking only about yourself and what YOU want to happen. You need to accept the fact that it's not going to happen, and you shouldn't be trying to force this guy into something he is clearly uncomfortable with if you actually care about him like you say you do.

Again, I appreciate your input and advice. But you don't know me or my situation, apart from what you read here. I am not interested in waging a war of words; the whole point of posting this thread was to get input from others on what they think. You made your point clear several times and I will take it into consideration.

I am not obsessed. I am hurt, definitely, probably like most people posting on here, mostly because of a friendship that I have lost, and the predicament that I have gotten myself into. But something had to give in our relationship and it has. I am the only person that has to live with that now.

So, as you anticipate your next response, take a minute to think how it and this situation effects me (and others in similar situations), and how I have to go through my day trying to deal with the fact that this is all my fault. If you had known me personally, and my circumstances, then you'd realise I am just an ordinary guy in a very sad situation, trying to make sense of it all.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 08:55PM

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

Has anyone mentioned the Married Men's support group?

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/mmg.html

Maybe you could call their helpline tomorrow and ask if they have any counsellor recommendations.

Thanks. I have started seeing a counsellor to help me work through this.

Edit: Someone other than the group you have recommended.

Czarcasm · 05-11-2013 09:19PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

Again, I appreciate your input and advice. But you don't know me or my situation, apart from what you read here. I am not interested in waging a war of words; the whole point of posting this thread was to get input from others on what they think. You made your point clear several times and I will take it into consideration.

With all due respect Eric, your situation and what you're feeling right now is not all that unique. It is in fact so common that people commonly refer to it as a 'bromance'. Hell, there's even been films made about it, "Brokeback Mountain" is a classic film, but a bit heavy going, so maybe for a bit of light relief you might try "I love you man", though Adam Sandler isn't everyone's taste.

I am not obsessed. I am hurt, definitely, probably like most people posting on here, mostly because of a friendship that I have lost, and the predicament that I have gotten myself into. But something had to give in our relationship and it has. I am the only person that has to live with that now.

The man who has had to give up his friendship with you because of how he feels will also have to live with the hurt also. At least the one consoling factor you can take from this mess is that your wife was never aware of the situation. Count yourself incredibly lucky that your friend chose not to inform your wife.

So, as you anticipate your next response, take a minute to think how it and this situation effects me (and others in similar situations), and how I have to go through my day trying to deal with the fact that this is all my fault. If you had known me personally, and my circumstances, then you'd realise I am just an ordinary guy in a very sad situation, trying to make sense of it all.

Eric that's half your problem right there. You're trying to think two steps ahead of everybody else- you've done it with this guy, you've done it with other posters here, and you're trying to do it with me. You're looking for confrontation where there is none, you're feeling self-pity and you think you must be punished.

If you want to make sense of it, it's as simple as this - you felt an emotional connection with another human being when you were both emotionally vulnerable, and your friend came to his senses before you did. Nobody likes being dumped, we'd all prefer to be the dumpee, but sometimes life's a bitch like that and things don't always go the way we want. This is just one of those times for you, and now you need to calm down, take a step back, regroup, get yourself together, and chalk the experience down to a loss, but an equally lucky escape that more people weren't hurt by the situation.

I don't think you're a bad person either, naturally it's going to hurt for a while, as any loss we experience hurts, but when our minds are occupied again by other things, the pain of what we lost plays less on our minds as we learn to appreciate what we still have even more.

Eric1988 · 05-11-2013 09:48PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

Count yourself incredibly lucky that your friend chose not to inform your wife.

BTW once I have gathered enough courage, I do intend on telling my wife what happened.

Pai Mei · 05-11-2013 09:55PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

I really need to think why this is bugging me so much. I have no fantasies about other guys nor do I think I would sleep with him.

Then what is it you want to come of this relationship?? If it's not sexual attraction then it's just a bond you share with him. Like another poster said it's just a bromance. What is gonna happen if he tells you that he loves you too? Are you gonna passionately embrace eachother? Apparently not if you don't want to sleep with him. Then really what are you actually hoping will come of this? :rolleyes:

Also I just had a read over your first post again and saw that he did have a relationship with another man a few years ago. If he is trying to come to terms with his sexuality and his feelings for you (those 3 things you pointed out that he said could indicate that he does have feelings for you) then if he says he does love you and that he is in fact gay then how are you going to respond??? If you have no sexual attraction to other men then how do you think he will feel if he hears you don't want to be intimate with him or even leave your wife to be with him??????

Czarcasm · 05-11-2013 10:31PM

Eric1988 wrote: »

BTW once I have gathered enough courage, I do intend on telling my wife what happened.

Eric you wouldn't need courage to do that, you WOULD need however to have completely taken leave of your senses altogether!

Not only did nothing happen, but you'll hurt your wife in ways I don't think you've even thought about. She would feel purely humiliated, and for what? So that you could ease your guilty conscience.

You developed feelings for another human being, nothing came of those feelings because neither of you acted upon them. Talk it over with your counsellor and deal with it and move on, but whatever you do, your wife doesn't need to be hurt too.

Notorioux · 06-11-2013 10:07AM

Your mate probably also got a feelings for you, but you, having a wife is holding him back as he doesn't want to make things more complicated as already is...

Try sorting out your relationship with your wife first if you still got feelings for her or not it's your decision. Give your mate some time, he's probably shocked, confused to what's been going on right now.

floggg · 06-11-2013 10:26AM

Eric1988 wrote: »

I really need to think why this is bugging me so much. I have no fantasies about other guys nor do I think I would sleep with him.

Ok. I think you need to ask yourself what it is you feel for him. Do you feel a stirring in your groin when you see him? Can you see yourselves naked in bed together and doing all those things gay men tend to do together? Is there anything about his body or looks that turn you on?

Because if there's no sexual attraction, and there should be a pretty strong one if you claim to be in love with him, then you don't really love him like that.

I'd say chances are you've formed some sort of emotional bond or dependency with him, perhaps to compensate for something missing in your marriage.

If that's the case, then your examination here shouldn't be on your relationship with your friend. It should on your relationship with your wife.

I don't know, maybe it's easier to distract yourself thinking about this then to face other issues you have going on.

What I do know is that unless you think your feelings for him are genuine, romantic and sexual, then leave the poor guy alone. If you say there's no chance of you leaving your wife for him, then let him get over whatever he feels for you in peace.

You trying to contact him constantly and wanting to be in his life is just going to make things more difficult for him.

So I think you need to decide what it is you feel. But if you can't see a scenario were you and him end up together, then just leave him be.

And regardless, I think you need to examine the state of your marriage first before you pursue anything else.

Do you genuinely see it working or not? If you think there's a chance it will, then focus on that first and foremost.

If you don't think it will, including if you think there's a chance you are gay, then you should face up to that now before you have kids or it's too late to start again.

floggg · 06-11-2013 10:39AM

Eric1988 wrote: »

Yes and no. Yes, it has everything to do with my marriage. No, the complexity of my marriage that has led me to this conundrum, is, respectfully, not part of the discussion.

Also, if I was single, I would like to think, that I would not be in this situation, to be honest.

What do you mean by that?

That if you were single you'd have fallen into his arms and ended up in bed together?

Or if you were single you probably wouldn't have developed whatever it is you are feeling for another guy.

If it's the latter, then just leave the poor man alone. You're confused but I bet he's really hurt.

He's trying to bottle up whatever his feelings towards men are and ignore them, but you've likely ripped the lid right of. If you really if care about him, then leave him be to go figure things out for himself - and if he decides he is gay or bisexual let him go find a relationship which has a chance for a happy ending for him.

And unless you want out of the marriage, not much good will come from telling your wife. Now maybe that is what you want deep down, but there are gently ways of letting her know.

But telling you had to turn to a man to get your emotional needs filled will likely hurt her.

And brokeback mountain isn't a bromance story. It's a gay love story about two closeted cowboys.

Bromance stories don't usually involve so much sex and kissing.

Czarcasm · 06-11-2013 11:55AM

floggg wrote: »

And brokeback mountain isn't a bromance story. It's a gay love story about two closeted cowboys.

Bromance stories don't usually involve so much sex and kissing.

The whole point of Brokeback Mountain flogg, and why it's actually relevant in Eric's circumstances, was to point out that two heterosexual men could have a close emotional connection, even a physical and sexual one, but, that didn't mean they were gay. Neither of them were attracted to other men, as you would expect would be the case if they were actually gay. I'm sure you're aware of gay men who have had sex with women, but that doesn't mean they were straight.

The film tracked the relationship between the two men over the course of 20 years, showing how such a relationship had deep rammifications for all involved and the prejudices the two men faced in a society that they knew was intolerant of their behaviour, and would never understand the emotional connection they had with each other, and the conflict that presented for the two men within themselves.

(There was far more heterosexual sex and kissing in the film btw than the two minutes the men spent knocking boots in a tent up in the frickin' mountains!)

Eric has already made it clear that he is a heterosexual man, and that this emotional connection he has formed with his friend has thrown up all sorts of confusion for him, because he always saw himself as a heterosexual man and has no interest in a sexual relationship with his friend, let alone any other man.

Effectively what Eric has done is as you said lifted the lid on an experience that his friend wanted to stay buried, doesn't sound like his friend was too comfortable with being on the down low before, as he too more than likely considers himself a heterosexual man, and doesn't want to feel anything for Eric, and would probably prefer if Eric had never made him confront that experience again.

His self-defence mechanism kicked in - "If I'm not around Eric, I'm not reminded of how I feel about him, ergo I'm not reminded of experiences in my past I'd rather not think about". His friend is dealing with things in his own way, and now Eric has to find a way to deal with things in HIS own way.

floggg · 06-11-2013 01:05PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

The whole point of Brokeback Mountain flogg, and why it's actually relevant in Eric's circumstances, was to point out that two heterosexual men could have a close emotional connection, even a physical and sexual one, but, that didn't mean they were gay. Neither of them were attracted to other men, as you would expect would be the case if they were actually gay. I'm sure you're aware of gay men who have had sex with women, but that doesn't mean they were straight.

The film tracked the relationship between the two men over the course of 20 years, showing how such a relationship had deep rammifications for all involved and the prejudices the two men faced in a society that they knew was intolerant of their behaviour, and would never understand the emotional connection they had with each other, and the conflict that presented for the two men within themselves.

(There was far more heterosexual sex and kissing in the film btw than the two minutes the men spent knocking boots in a tent up in the frickin' mountains!)

Eric has already made it clear that he is a heterosexual man, and that this emotional connection he has formed with his friend has thrown up all sorts of confusion for him, because he always saw himself as a heterosexual man and has no interest in a sexual relationship with his friend, let alone any other man.

Effectively what Eric has done is as you said lifted the lid on an experience that his friend wanted to stay buried, doesn't sound like his friend was too comfortable with being on the down low before, as he too more than likely considers himself a heterosexual man, and doesn't want to feel anything for Eric, and would probably prefer if Eric had never made him confront that experience again.

His self-defence mechanism kicked in - "If I'm not around Eric, I'm not reminded of how I feel about him, ergo I'm not reminded of experiences in my past I'd rather not think about". His friend is dealing with things in his own way, and now Eric has to find a way to deal with things in HIS own way.

Eh, Jake Gyllenhal's character got with other men in that film too. And while Heath Ledgers character didn't, he never formed healthy relationship with his female interests.

I thought they were pretty well accepted as two closeted men in a homophobic time and place who could only be themselves all alone on the side of the mountain.

Like most closeted men at that time they had wives simply because that's what was expected of them and because they couldn't live their lives any other way.

As an aside, I wish the friend had somebody they could talk to. The closet doesn't make anybody happy.

The OP however is definitely not that person and should stay clear unless and until his friend indicates he's over it.

Eric1988 · 06-11-2013 11:52PM

Thanks

CallMeACab · 17-11-2013 06:20AM

Listen to me very carefully. Run. Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

Focus on the here and now. I ask you to forget everything and move on.

It's painful now. In two or three years it can be a painful memory or an existing, and unresolved painful reality. RUN NOW.

artwellington · 30-11-2013 05:43PM

Realize that its probably a tad late in the day to add my tuppence's worth but here goes... Could it be that you were seduced a tad? You've mentioned a couple of times that you've no feelings towards other guys. However what you have described is a pretty intense friendship - talking/texting daily with the net result that you feel pretty lousy after you've fallen out with him. The fact that you've gone back to that friendship after he's made a laugh of you in front of his friends also speaks volumes regarding who's the boss in that friendship.

Clearly your friend has his own sexual insecurity. Its also pretty clear that your own marriage has had its issues. You've discussed those marital problems with your friend and probably got some succor from it. In that context, its pretty easy to see how you would feel a real and special sense of love towards him- and that is probably increased if he's been giving out mixed messages to you- be it consciously or sub consciously. In such a circumstance you are probably not gay- just a tad dependent really- I might be very wrong here but I guess that you've not had a lot of male friends in the past or now - and this chap turns up and it all assumes a certain intensity.

So far in all the e-mails you have tended to focus on your own problems. Might I suggest that you focus on those of your wife- she's not stupid and I'm sure has picked up on your own difficulties- see whether you and her can overcome the difficulties that caused problems in the first place. Secondly, you might consider your friends problems and insecurities - in his case, giving him some space might be best but let him know that you are there if he ever requires a listening ear. In all probability the best solution might be the two of you keep a distance - not easy I imagine- but it might be the only intervention that he can countenance (he probably reacted the same in the past) and only one you can deal with.

Anyhow- the very best of luck.

Told friend I am in love with him ....

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