I'm close to coming out to my mother, but...

qweerty · 11-12-2013 01:11AM #1

...I think she's having an affair...

...with a woman.

I know that sounds like the plot of a film! And a bad one, at that! But all true.

She been acting suspiciously lately...going out more often...won't let me use her phone, etc. I overheard a phone call she was having today which threw up loads of questions. I fabricated a reason as to why I needed her phone. And, there was a conversation...with a woman...with lots of "sexy" talk.

Where do I go from here? I kinda wanted my coming out to be special (you only get one chance!), and would have been PISSED if she'd said, "Wow, so am I". I'm pretty sure I can't bring up her situation, cause she'd be furious that I was on her phone, and obviously feel very exposed.

Help!!

EDIT: a thanks in advance to all those who post. I find it really touching that you would show such concern.

Peregrinus · 11-12-2013 01:34AM

Turn it around. How would you feel if your mother was fabricating excuses to get her hands on your phone, and trawling through your texts to confirm her suspicions about your sexual orientation?

You're out of line here.

As regards how it affects your own coming out, two thoughts:

1. You might think if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the drama of your coming out just now might not be helpful to her.

2. You might think that if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the positive example of your coming out might be a support to her.

Only you know your mother well enough to say which of these two is likely to be closer to the truth.

I don't think you should be pissed if your coming out leads to your mother coming out shortly afterwards. One of the points about coming out is that, the more people come out, the easier it is for other people to come out. Which is a good thing, right? And if your mother is lesbian, you don't think she should be closeted, do you?

qweerty · 11-12-2013 01:50AM

Peregrinus wrote: »

Turn it around. How would you feel if your mother was fabricating excuses to get her hands on your phone, and trawling through your texts to confirm her suspicions about your sexual orientation?

You're out of line here.

As regards how it affects your own coming out, two thoughts:

1. You might think if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the drama of your coming out just now might not be helpful to her.

2. You might think that if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the positive example of your coming out might be a support to her.

Only you know your mother well enough to say which of these two is likely to be closer to the truth.

I don't think you should be pissed if your coming out leads to your mother coming out shortly afterwards. One of the points about coming out is that, the more people come out, the easier it is for other people to come out. Which is a good thing, right? And if your mother is lesbian, you don't think she should be closeted, do you?

Really appreciate your detailed reply.

I can only imagine that it would help if I were to come out.

I ofc think that she should be open about her sexuality. It's obv gonna lead to adjustments for my father and my younger siblings, though.

Regarding my having looked on her phone: I thought she was having a hetrosexual affair. You could argue that it's still unjustifiable, but I felt sorta angry that she'd be having an affair around Christmas, while married, with kids, etc...

Sincere thanks, again.

Locker10a · 11-12-2013 02:20AM

Wow looks like you have quite the situation on your hands there!!

I the best thing to do is analyze the situation from the view of the points made above! I think maybe you should continue your own life as planned! How old are you? If you feel mature enough to come out then do so at your own pace and tell your parents! You never know your mother might be bi, she might have no intention of ever having an affair !! And she might never leave her Husband and be happily married !

qweerty · 11-12-2013 02:28AM

Locker10a wrote: »

Wow looks like you have quite the situation on your hands there!! I the best thing to do is analyze the situation from the view of the points made above! I think maybe you should continue your own life as planned! How old are you? If you feel mature enough to come out then do so at your own pace and tell your parents! You never know your mother might be bi, she might have no intention of ever having an affair !! And she might never leave her Husband and be happily married !

I'm 22. I have a secret bf, but I'm still really uncomfortable about my whole situation. I suspect that she is bi. But, how's my dad going to take that?!

Thanks for response.

floggg · 11-12-2013 10:06AM

Peregrinus wrote: »

Turn it around. How would you feel if your mother was fabricating excuses to get her hands on your phone, and trawling through your texts to confirm her suspicions about your sexual orientation?

You're out of line here.

As regards how it affects your own coming out, two thoughts:

1. You might think if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the drama of your coming out just now might not be helpful to her.

2. You might think that if your mother is trying to come to terms with her own sexual identity, the positive example of your coming out might be a support to her.

Only you know your mother well enough to say which of these two is likely to be closer to the truth.

I don't think you should be pissed if your coming out leads to your mother coming out shortly afterwards. One of the points about coming out is that, the more people come out, the easier it is for other people to come out. Which is a good thing, right? And if your mother is lesbian, you don't think she should be closeted, do you?

Em, well, she is having an affair. From the sounds of things the OPs parents are still together so it's not like the fact she may be confused should give her a pass.

I think there are two issues here - the OPs plans to come out and his mothers affair (if she is having one). While one may inform the other I don't think they should be equated.

Regarding the affair, I don't know what you should say or do. She is (probably) betraying her husband (you never know, he might know all about it) and risking hurting the whole family. I don't know though whether exposing it would be beneficial for the family as a whole, though at the same time I don't think she should be continuing this behind your fathers back.

Honestly, this sounds like a question for Dan Savage (google him if you don't know him - a very progressive and frank sex/relationship advice columnist).

As for coming out - the fact that your mother may be bi or gay shouldn't necessarily stop you coming out. I think though in the circumstances it may have unpredictable results with regard to how you mother may take it - e.g. Encourage her to follow suit perhaps or make her sexuality issues more difficult to handle.

Unfortunately I don't really know how to advise you to approach it given the complexity of the situation and the potential for adverse consequences.

Unless of course you are mistaken about the affair

Rick_ · 11-12-2013 10:40AM

Sorry, but couldn't resist it...! This popped right into my head when I read the OP.

You certainly have yourself in a tricky situation here OP, I hope it works out for all of you. One thing I would say is to perhaps leave it until after Christmas. You don't want it to go south and Christmas every year loses its speciality and ends up becoming a reminder for you over what happened in your family. Just what I would do in this situation.

qweerty · 11-12-2013 02:11PM

floggg wrote: »

Em, well, she is having an affair. From the sounds of things the OPs parents are still together so it's not like the fact she may be confused should give her a pass.

I think there are two issues here - the OPs plans to come out and his mothers affair (if she is having one). While one may inform the other I don't think they should be equated.

Regarding the affair, I don't know what you should say or do. She is (probably) betraying her husband (you never know, he might know all about it) and risking hurting the whole family. I don't know though whether exposing it would be beneficial for the family as a whole, though at the same time I don't think she should be continuing this behind your fathers back.

Honestly, this sounds like a question for Dan Savage (google him if you don't know him - a very progressive and frank sex/relationship advice columnist).

As for coming out - the fact that your mother may be bi or gay shouldn't necessarily stop you coming out. I think though in the circumstances it may have unpredictable results with regard to how you mother may take it - e.g. Encourage her to follow suit perhaps or make her sexuality issues more difficult to handle.

Unfortunately I don't really know how to advise you to approach it given the complexity of the situation and the potential for adverse consequences.

Unless of course you are mistaken about the affair

Having slept on it, I don't feel any better!

I don't intend to tell anyone what I know. And I would never want for someone to confront me if I were in her position, so not going to do that either.

I reckon I'll be letting the status quo continue.

Paddy C wrote: »

You certainly have yourself in a tricky situation here OP, I hope it works out for all of you. One thing I would say is to perhaps leave it until after Christmas. You don't want it to go south and Christmas every year loses its speciality and ends up becoming a reminder for you over what happened in your family. Just what I would do in this situation.

Good idea! Although, her being a lesbian offered up all sorts of Christmas present ideas!

Guys, I really appreciate your posts. Discussing it is helping me come to terms with it.

Butterface · 11-12-2013 03:47PM

This situation is very close to one a friend of mine went through. She's a lesbian herself, and before she came out to her family she found out her mother was having an affair with a woman.

She felt she had to let her father know. They separated and the mother went to live with her partner. That was about ten years ago. It caused a big ruckus at the time and the children (all adults) sided with the father. Eventually my friend came out to her family, a lot later than she would have liked to. She's still closer to her father and I think the other children haven't really forgiven the mother, which is quite sad since so much time has passed.

Obviously, it is a good thing if your mother is coming to terms with her sexuality or feelings that she may have never had before. But having an affair is not the way to go about things. If I found out my mother was having an affair (and only if I was certain of this fact - it's still not evident whether your mother has cheated) then I would have no qualms about confronting her.

Ambersky · 11-12-2013 05:09PM

Times have changed quite a lot in recent years for LGBT people in Ireland.
People coming out now are coming out in a very different social environment with a wider range of choices and possibilities open to them, even if those things are simply choices one is aware of mentally and not actually doing anything about. Sure individuals still find themselves having to deal with their actual families, classmates or friends who may or may not be homophobic to whatever degree but there has been a turn in the way LGBT people are viewed socially and perhaps even more importantly there has been a change in the way LGBT people see themselves.

Your parents may not have had the choices you now have. For them it may have been a matter of get married to the first opposite sex person who seems like a decent person or become a social outcast. It probably wasnt as stark as that but it may have seemed so to your parents who grew up in a time when homosexuality was illegal - remember.
Yes I know an affair is an affair and is not fair on ones partner. It is also not fair to have had to live your life not being true to yourself and having had your own sexuality hidden perhaps even from yourself because of societies attitude to it. LGBT people didnt get married to opposite sex partners for the craic, there were major social and psycholigical pressures.

A bit of compassion all around might not go astray while people are trying to find a way to be true to themselves and hopefully also try to hurt others as little as possible along the way.

qweerty · 11-12-2013 07:18PM

Responding to Butterface and Ambersky:

Like Ambersky, I'm a lot more sympathetic to her situation than Butterface. Revealing all would most likely lead to separation. Perhaps she thinks that, for the sake of stability for my younger siblings, she can have this clandestine relationship. I suspect that she is bi, and not gay, and that she is conducting the affair because needs not being currently met, etc... I wonder how that alters the ethics of it - that it's not that this is about finally expressing anything, but just a conventional affair.

Either way, I don't really think I'm secure enough in myself to be able to support her. And I don't think it appropriate for me to confront her or attempt to reveal to others.

The diversity of opinion is very interesting!

Thanks, guys.

floggg · 11-12-2013 08:39PM

Ambersky wrote: »

Times have changed quite a lot in recent years for LGBT people in Ireland.
People coming out now are coming out in a very different social environment with a wider range of choices and possibilities open to them, even if those things are simply choices one is aware of mentally and not actually doing anything about. Sure individuals still find themselves having to deal with their actual families, classmates or friends who may or may not be homophobic to whatever degree but there has been a turn in the way LGBT people are viewed socially and perhaps even more importantly there has been a change in the way LGBT people see themselves.

Your parents may not have had the choices you now have. For them it may have been a matter of get married to the first opposite sex person who seems like a decent person or become a social outcast. It probably wasnt as stark as that but it may have seemed so to your parents who grew up in a time when homosexuality was illegal - remember.
Yes I know an affair is an affair and is not fair on ones partner. It is also not fair to have had to live your life not being true to yourself and having had your own sexuality hidden perhaps even from yourself because of societies attitude to it. LGBT people didnt get married to opposite sex partners for the craic, there were major social and psycholigical pressures.

A bit of compassion all around might not go astray while people are trying to find a way to be true to themselves and hopefully also try to hurt others as little as possible along the way.

Well there have been plenty of threads here from men (and to a lesser extent women) who were married, struggling with their sexuality, and tempted to cheat. Generally speaking, any sympathy and compassion only went so far and would be revoked if the cheating line was crossed.

OP I honestly don't know what to tell you to do. I do think though she's playing with fire - if the affair is discovered (assuming there is one), it could do a lot of damage.

Ambersky · 11-12-2013 09:13PM

I suspect that she is bi, and not gay

qweerty any imaginings you have about your mothers sexuality would be pure conjecture. Your are probably and also should be. the last person to really know anything about your mothers sexuality beyond what she tells you or freely expresses in your company.

Most of us dont really want to know what our mothers get up to sexually, the mere image of our parents having sex usually sends us into a putting our fingers into our ears while saying la la la la la over and over.
Children are usually the last people to know about their parents sexuality they usually have a natural bias towards the relationship that created them which is hardly the opinion of an objective observer.

Do you really want to know about your mothers sex life qweerty?
I think your mothers sexuality is actually none of your business and Im not sure about how tasteful I think coming on here speculating about it is, especially as you got those suspicions in less than honest ways. Your mothers decisions may impact on you and your family but they are her decisions to make and if and when she makes those decisions then it is up to others to say how it impacts on them and how they feel
Asking us to speculate on your mothers moral sexual ethics sounds a bit weird.

Although, her being a lesbian offered up all sorts of Christmas present ideas!

If this quote was intended as a bit of humor either at the idea of your mother in particular being lesbian or at lesbians in general, speculating on your mothers sexuality seems to be amusing to you, again weird.

If you are on this forum and are in a position to be speculating about your own sexuality then that is totally your own business right now and you should probably concentrate on minding it. Your mother can mind herself.
It seems to me there may be some unhealthy crossing of boundaries going on here. It seems so strange to me that I wonder are you looking to this forum for a bit of sport.

MOTHER

ME

ninty9er · 11-12-2013 11:10PM

If I were in your position and wanted to come out (not that you should have to), I'd try and grab both of my parents together. If you tell your mother and she tells your dad, he may be upset that you didn't feel comfortable telling him too. You could also go down the 'someone I want you to meet' route, in which case you're not 'coming out' but making it pretty damn clear you like men, and you have a support there too.

I say this almost every time something like this comes up, coming out is a disclosure of an incidental, but unseen part of you, it only becomes a discussion or conversation if you want it to.

On the suspected affair, there's no guarantee a woman's name means it's a woman, or that sexting involves a physical affair.

L.Jenkins · 11-12-2013 11:48PM

I know I'm a Mod and I've had a few beers tonight, so it gives you the option to disregard my opinion. Take your Mum out for a few drinks some night or have a few at home and drop it into Conversation. Drunk words, Sober thoughts and all that.

I'm close to coming out to my mother, but...

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