so ladies, is your OH like your father?

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 10:40AM #1

Just wondering....

They say women look for traits in men that are similar to their fathers... which I assume is the case when you have had a good relationship with your old man.

Just realising more and more how similar my OH and dad actually are. In a good way of course, my aul lad is a sweetheart.

I think the sun shines out of my dad's behind and would have always loved to have the kind of relationship my parents have but didn't think a modern day man could come close to him.

Turns out in my case, its true... I was looking for someone like my aul lad.

Sounds weird, how about yas?

Dolbert · 28-03-2014 10:58AM

Nope. My father is a loud, theatrical, 'entertainer' type who can never sit still. I couldn't cope with that and it's no coincidence that my husband is the complete opposite (both great guys though!)

Roesy · 28-03-2014 11:07AM

My OH is the complete opposite of my father too. My dad is what you might call 'unique', I really couldn't handle a second one of him in my life. Saying that, I get on well with him but his personality would not be a good match with mine in terms of marriage. My husband is a fantastic man, so too is my father but they are so, so different!

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:09AM

it's mad, the old saying must be bull !!

Penny Tration · 28-03-2014 11:10AM

A couple of my exes were almost carbon copies of my father (in a bad way, not the nice traits).

My boyfriend now is the complete opposite of my father, in a lovely way.

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:13AM

so... we might be avoiding blokes like our dad's rather than looking for them !, that would make sense too

ShiftStorm · 28-03-2014 11:15AM

I basically married my mum and not my dad! Some people say I am like him which would make sense why I'd go for my opposite.

Penny Tration · 28-03-2014 11:16AM

Sadderday wrote: »

so... we might be avoiding blokes like our dad's rather than looking for them !, that would make sense too

I didn't deliberately avoid men like my father. I found myself naturally drawn to them, actually.

But, my father has quite a few nasty, cruel traits, and after a few years of bad relationships, I decided to avoid relationships until someone who was completely not my 'type' swept me off of my feet.

My mam and i were actually discussing this last night. Her ex husband (my father) is almost a carbon copy of her dad (both pretty abusive men in certain ways). I'm kind of glad I broke that cycle before reaching my mam's age.

m'lady · 28-03-2014 11:19AM

My OH definitely has similar traits to my Dad- but all the good ones and not the bad! It definitely makes sense that maybe we will either go for a guy that reminds us of our fathers or avoid like the plague- depending on a few factors- like what our relationship is like with our fathers etc.

Now I wonder are men the same?!

Dutchess · 28-03-2014 11:20AM

I don't think the Hubs is like my dad. Would almost be nice if they had a bit more in common for when they meet:p

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:23AM

I wonder if it is true then that subconciously our da's or even brother's do play some part in us picking our men !

javagal · 28-03-2014 11:23AM

Never met my dad but I don't know but my husband is an awful nag sometimes so I guess I married my mother

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:24AM

m'lady wrote: »

My OH definitely has similar traits to my Dad- but all the good ones and not the bad! It definitely makes sense that maybe we will either go for a guy that reminds us of our fathers or avoid like the plague- depending on a few factors- like what our relationship is like with our fathers etc.

Now I wonder are men the same?!

I'm starting to wonder that too now!

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:30AM

I wonder if I remind him of his mother

Ilyana 2.0 · 28-03-2014 11:37AM

My dad and my boyfriend are alike in some small ways; they're both kinda quiet but can be hilariously entertaining in the right company. They're both stubborn as hell, and the fussiest eaters I've ever come across. Both very generous too.

I get on great with my Dad, so if my bf is like him, it's hardly a bad thing at all.

I'm definitely getting more like my mother though. And seeing as she and my Dad are still hitched, I'll take it as a good omen for my relationship :pac:

username123 · 28-03-2014 11:44AM

Not in the slightest.

My father was an aggressive bullying alcoholic. He did have some good points but they were all drowned in alcohol so its hard for me to even remember the good without it all being overshadowed by the VERY bad!

My brother is very like my Dad except he has dry drunk syndrome - all the traits of alcoholism but doesnt drink. He is an a$$hole really. My husband is nothing at all like him either.

Im not remotely like my husbands mother either!

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:47AM

username123 wrote: »

Not in the slightest.

My father was an aggressive bullying alcoholic. He did have some good points but they were all drowned in alcohol so its hard for me to even remember the good without it all being overshadowed by the VERY bad!

My brother is very like my Dad except he has dry drunk syndrome - all the traits of alcoholism but doesnt drink. He is an a$$hole really. My husband is nothing at all like him either.

Im not remotely like my husbands mother either!

never heard of dry drunk syndrome.... just realised that kicking off this thread might bring back memories for posters, didn't mean to upset anyone

username123 · 28-03-2014 11:49AM

Sadderday wrote: »

never heard of dry drunk syndrome.... just realised that kicking off this thread might bring back memories for posters, didn't mean to upset anyone

Not at all, I chose to answer!

Dry drunk syndrome refers to the learned behaviours that someone learns from an alcoholic parent (things like manipulation, secretive behaviour, bad conflict resolution etc...) but they are so disgusted by their alcoholic parent that they never actually drink themselves - but they display all the associated behaviours.

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 11:52AM

username123 wrote: »

Not at all, I chose to answer!

Dry drunk syndrome refers to the learned behaviours that someone learns from an alcoholic parent (things like manipulation, secretive behaviour, bad conflict resolution etc...) but they are so disgusted by their alcoholic parent that they never actually drink themselves - but they display all the associated behaviours.

wow never heard of that ! - would it put you off if you met a man that was fond of weekend drinks ?

username123 · 28-03-2014 11:55AM

Sadderday wrote: »

wow never heard of that ! - would it put you off if you met a man that was fond of weekend drinks ?

It might. It would depend on the overall picture.

But certainly I would be wary and take notice of peoples drinking patterns in life generally and I am terrified of alcohol myself - although I do drink but I suffer massive worry and guilt if I get drunk - I rarely get drunk, maybe 3 or 4 times a year now. But I like wine with a meal or the odd G&T before Sunday dinner etc...

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 12:03PM

username123 wrote: »

It might. It would depend on the overall picture.

But certainly I would be wary and take notice of peoples drinking patterns in life generally and I am terrified of alcohol myself - although I do drink but I suffer massive worry and guilt if I get drunk - I rarely get drunk, maybe 3 or 4 times a year now. But I like wine with a meal or the odd G&T before Sunday dinner etc...

Ah sorry to hear that, really hope I haven't upset ya.
I suppose I'm curious bcos my parents don't drink and have a happy relationship. so they've always declined offers to spend nights apart in the pub or weekends away with friends... i think it might have made them closer although I can't sure if thats the reason. I'll never know in this situation. It could have went either way I guess, they could have resented each other but they don't seem to be holding onto anything negative.
I understand that excessive boozing could seriously affect a relationship though. My OH can have a glass of wine with me but if you give him to the lads for the night he wont stop until hes snoozing on the bathroom floor

Penny Tration · 28-03-2014 12:08PM

Sadderday wrote: »

Ah sorry to hear that, really hope I haven't upset ya.
I suppose I'm curious bcos my parents don't drink and have a happy relationship. so they've always declined offers to spend nights apart in the pub or weekends away with friends... i think it might have made them closer although I can't sure if thats the reason. I'll never know in this situation. It could have went either way I guess, they could have resented each other but they don't seem to be holding onto anything negative.
I understand that excessive boozing could seriously affect a relationship though. My OH can have a glass of wine with me but if you give him to the lads for the night he wont stop until hes snoozing on the bathroom floor

I'd be in the same boat as username123, my father was abusive alcoholic. He is in recovery, though, and has been for years, which I hugely admire him for.

I'm really wary of peoples' drinking habits, if I'm dating them. One guy I dated for two years developed a drink problem, and after trying unsuccessfully to help, I left him. Now, if the person I date drinks to the point of getting sh!t-faced drunk regularly, I'll walk.

I get drunk, I enjoy a drink. But I tend to remember everything, get home safely, have a good night and not make a show of myself. I expect pretty much the same from someone I date.

Merkin · 28-03-2014 12:09PM

Yes, pretty similar I'd say.

I adore my Dad, he's extremely intelligent (probably the smartest person I know) is very kind and honest and hilariously funny and Mr. Merkin has all those traits too. In fact I think I was spoiled a little with my Dad because he has essentially been by yardstick for what I expect and hope for in a partner and I simply wasn't prepared to really deviate from that. Probably why it took me until my mid-30s to actually get together with someone I thought came up to the mark!

I love that they get on really well too, it makes me happy!

username123 · 28-03-2014 12:13PM

Sadderday wrote: »

Ah sorry to hear that, really hope I haven't upset ya.

No, no, not at all - I am well counselled and therapied through it all!

green_screen wrote: »

I'm really wary of peoples' drinking habits, if I'm dating them. One guy I dated for two years developed a drink problem, and after trying unsuccessfully to help, I left him. Now, if the person I date drinks to the point of getting sh!t-faced drunk regularly, I'll walk.

+1 - but it took me a long time to get to that point. I used to date abusive heavy drinkers and drink a lot more myself. Its only after confronting my upbringing via Alanon and working through my issues that I developed discernment in terms of what not to accept in a relationship. Great to hear a success story green_screen - I was not so lucky.

eviltwin · 28-03-2014 01:08PM

Not at all, that's why I love him. My dad was okay but he was a devout Catholic and very judgemental. He wouldn't listen to anyone else's point of view and I hated that. He was also the kind of person to shoot down your plans or ideas, he never really encouraged us. My husband is a real live and let live kinda guy and supports everything I do.

IvyTheTerrible · 28-03-2014 01:09PM

No. Well they have traits in common but that's just coicidence more than anything. If anything, I'M like my dad so it's good that the OH is different!

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 01:09PM

Ladies, ya's are wonderful, fair play...!

Legs.Eleven · 28-03-2014 01:15PM

I'd say he is quite like my dad in many ways actually - the good parts. They both get along very well anyway; my dad loves him and vice versa (it's very cute). They'd both be very intelligent, a good laugh, reasonable most of the time, wise and are both hugely interested in history. There's some traits that my dad has that my boyfriend lacks, thank fook. I love my dad and the person he is, so it'd make sense I'd choose a man with similar traits to him, I think.

bee06 · 28-03-2014 01:16PM

I don't think my OH is like my dad. They do have some similar traits like being funny but I'd say they are more different than similar.

Meemars · 28-03-2014 01:22PM

Totally alike! This is getting weirder and weirder as the years go on. I distinctly remember thinking about this topic early on in our relationship, and remarking to myself how little he was like my father. However... Years went on, personalities revealed bit by bit, I got to know my OH better, and I got to know my father better as I grew and matured. Now I realise, that without knowing it at the tender age of 16, I picked someone EXACTLY like my father. That says a lot for both of them, they’re both fantastic, (sometimes a pain in the head too) for mostly the same reasons.
Everyone in the family knows this too, we share knowing looks when one says or does something that is just like the other.

OH and I have been together for almost 30 years, so it’s possible they’ve both had a bit of an influence on each other, having known and respected each other for so long. I’m lucky to have 2 versions of someone so cool!

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 01:24PM

Meemars wrote: »

Totally alike! This is getting weirder and weirder as the years go on. I distinctly remember thinking about this topic early on in our relationship, and remarking to myself how little he was like my father. However... Years went on, personalities revealed bit by bit, I got to know my OH better, and I got to know my father better as I grew and matured. Now I realise, that without knowing it at the tender age of 16, I picked someone EXACTLY like my father. That says a lot for both of them, they’re both fantastic, (sometimes a pain in the head too) for mostly the same reasons.
Everyone in the family knows this too, we share knowing looks when one says or does something that is just like the other.

OH and I have been together for almost 30 years, so it’s possible they’ve both had a bit of an influence on each other, having known and respected each other for so long. I’m lucky to have 2 versions of someone so cool!

Thats very sweet !!

batistuta9 · 28-03-2014 02:24PM

Sadderday wrote: »

I wonder if it is true then that subconciously our da's or even brother's do play some part in us picking our men !

subconsciously people are attracted to people who remind them of their parents apparently. parents being associated to security, comfort, etc. in our minds (for most anyway)

i think it's only 'daddys girls' who end up going for types that are of a similar look to their father

others will have partners the have similar personalities, etc. (as mentioned in this thread).
even if they're bad traits, the person's looking to (subconsciously) change them/repair the relationship or lack of it with their father (see the post about the mother & her father - that type of thing)

of course it's not always going to happen like that and people can end up with partners nothing like their fathers, though reasons for that can be abuse, etc. or even just rebellion

the same being true for men regards partners - 'men marry their mother' is the saying. i think it was you who asked about it.

Sadderday · 28-03-2014 02:29PM

batistuta9 wrote: »

subconsciously people are attracted to people who remind them of their parents apparently. parents being associated to security, comfort, etc. in our minds (for most anyway)

i think it's only 'daddys girls' who end up going for types that are of a similar look to their father

others will have partners the have similar personalities, etc. (as mentioned in this thread).
even if they're bad traits, the person's looking to (subconsciously) change them/repair the relationship or lack of it with their father (see the post about the mother & her father - that type of thing)

of course it's not always going to happen like that and people can end up with partners nothing like their fathers, though reasons for that can be abuse, etc. or even just rebellion

the same being true for men regards partners - 'men marry their mother' is the saying. i think it was you who asked about it.

HAHAHA this all feels sounds a bit incesty for me ! but makes sense

ellavin · 28-03-2014 08:04PM

My oh is a bit like my dad in some ways the good ways at that ,, I guess hes like a father to me in the sence as I always feel protected

28-03-2014 11:23PM

In ways, yes. They are both creative types..and look kinda similar

And a few other similarities too.

But my Dad is a lot more loud and...I dunno...eccentric? He's been a musician/actor all his life and he's a bit non stop entertainment. Can be a bit much

My boyfriend on the other hand is kinda quiet and introverted. Still outgoing though!

They are meeting each other for the first time in a few weeks. My Dad lives in France and is coming over with my sister and staying at our house for a few days. First time my Dad will have ever met any of my boyfriends!

29-03-2014 12:34AM

I tend to date men very like my father, charming and childish, and emotionally unattainable. But they seem to be the only ones I find attractive.

29-03-2014 03:12PM

I go for ones in the same profession as well as sharing the same traits. Although you probably would have to have those traits to be attracted to the profession

I think it's common enough, in both ways - ie. You might be attracted to someone who shares your dads good points, or equally one who shares the less likeable ones. It's hard to avoid, when your dad is your primary role model for what a man is or behaves like.

rainbow kirby · 29-03-2014 03:24PM

Literally the only thing my partner has in common with my dad is a shared love of sport.

Lucyfur · 29-03-2014 04:11PM

Polar opposites.

My father - ugh, I hate even saying that word, is a horrible excuse for a human being on absolutely every level.

My husband is kind and caring and wonderful

Chattastrophe! · 29-03-2014 06:48PM

Funnily enough, it used to freak me out a bit that my ex was very like my father. Both self-employed workaholics, both from a farming background (but with their own trades), both always busy. I remember in primary school, every day, we'd be sitting on the wall outside the school for a couple of hours every day waiting for my dad to come pick us up, when he'd tear himself away from work for a few minutes ... and I remember similar waiting on dates with my ex, too! Both very careful fastidious perfectionists.

My boyfriend now - and he's kinda my forever boyfriend (I hope!) - is nothing like my dad really. They're both very kind honest decent caring men, but very very different. I have to admit, I prefer it that way!

StripedBoxers · 29-03-2014 08:27PM

My dad and partner are nothing like each other, thankfully. I love my dad to bits, but at times he drives me mad. He's in his 50s and hasn't really grown up at all.

GalwayGuy2 · 29-03-2014 09:56PM

My OH definitely has similar traits to my Dad- but all the good ones and not the bad! It definitely makes sense that maybe we will either go for a guy that reminds us of our fathers or avoid like the plague- depending on a few factors- like what our relationship is like with our fathers etc.

Now I wonder are men the same?!

Probably.

I reckon the relationships you have with your parents affect the relationships you will have in the future. Whether that's repulsion or attraction.

Sexuality is a funny, funny thing.

An extreme example would be a straight man being attracted to an older man who was 'fatherly' as he didn't have a good relationship with his father.

I genuinely believe the above is quite possible.

beks101 · 30-03-2014 03:05AM

I spent years chasing emotionally unavailable men.
My Dad's your typical stoic and silent type, about as emotionally expressive as a stone. So kinda explains that one. The difference being most of all the lads I dated were aRseholes in some way or another.
Current guy is the polar opposite, very expressive and emotional and not afraid to say all the things I got used to never hearing, which is lovely.
He's also got a heart of gold, a trait him and my dad share.

we'llallhavetea · 30-03-2014 08:48PM

Nope, nothing like each other, boyfriend is a total sweetheart whereas my dad makes me wanna pull my hair out! Exes have been like my dad I suppose, you have to break the vicious cycle eventually thank Christ!

solerina · 31-03-2014 01:24PM

In many ways yes...I can see huge similarities...one thing is that the things that drive me mad in my father are absent in my OH (lets hope that doesnt change as the years elapse).

UnicornPuke! · 02-04-2014 09:22AM

No I can't really see much except their sense of humour is similar. They are both quite different, I think I would be a bit freaked out if they were similar.

lazygal · 02-04-2014 10:28AM

In some ways but as I've gotten older I've found I've reevaluated a few things about my parents. It's not so much the rose tinted glasses slipping but more seeing them as adults with flaws. My dad was a good dad and still is, but he has his flaws like anyone and in hindsight my mother had to put up with a lot when we were small because of his job. My husband is a lot more family oriented than I think my dad was. Then again, we have it a lot easier than my parents did so the money pressure isn't as big an issue. I guess its a combination of circumstances and personality.

--LOS-- · 03-04-2014 01:51PM

Ha no not at all! My bf is a really good person, positive, supportive, a good influence on me, always there for me, my dad..........even though my parents are still together etc I've always felt like I don't have a father, he's quiet to the extreme so we never even converse, barely see eachother, he has no interest in me whatsoever, we don't have a relationship.

signmeup · 03-04-2014 01:59PM

yes. but a really good version of him. in many ways they are different also, but the similarities are definitely there.
My oh is more understanding, loving and supportive. Which I love him to bits for.

My LTex was nothing like my father, apart from being emotionally unavailable and suborn! but that was never a good relationship.

Greenmachine · 03-04-2014 02:09PM

Never met the OH father. Wonder what I would think if I met him.

mollybird · 06-04-2014 06:13PM

ya my hubbie is def like my dad. i even said at the wedding that i married my dad. lol. they love the same tv shows, they work in the same line of business. they like similar music. some times i have to tell them to change the subject when it comes to their work as they could talk bout it for hours.

The only differnce in them is that my hubbie is very shy where my dad is very outgoing.

so ladies, is your OH like your father?

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