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Savings woes,please help advice needed

  • 06-05-2014 08:37PM
    #1
    Lassielady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    Hi all,
    I desperately need some advice...I'm seeing a guy for thr last year and a bit,he's farming and works very hard,I'm teaching and I lived the high life for the past 8 years instead of saving hard I had nice hols etc.Now I'm riddled with regret that I didn't save enough for a deposit for a house and this might sound dumb but I'm petrified that when it comes to it that I won't be able to match his savings....is this the grounds for a relationship to break up on?any advice really gratefully appreciated x


Comments

  • #2
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    Lassielady wrote: »
    Hi all,
    I desperately need some advice...I'm seeing a guy for thr last year and a bit,he's farming and works very hard,I'm teaching and I lived the high life for the past 8 years instead of saving hard I had nice hols etc.Now I'm riddled with regret that I didn't save enough for a deposit for a house and this might sound dumb but I'm petrified that when it comes to it that I won't be able to match his savings....is this the grounds for a relationship to break up on?any advice really gratefully appreciated x

    There was a pretty identical thread in this a long time ago if you want to try the search function to read the responses.

    I am sure that your boyfriend is not with you due to your account balance, nor you him. Have you discussed this with him?


  • #3
    Addle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,817 ✭✭✭Addle


    Have you discussed your future with your OH?
    Did you lie?
    Why do you place such value on financial status?
    From your posts, it seems that you're hung up in finances, not your partner.


  • #4
    Lassielady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Lassielady


    It hasn't come up yet although he told me he has a lot saved and I don't,no I'm not hung up on finances worried about them yes hung up no


  • #5
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    Lassielady wrote: »
    It hasn't come up yet although he told me he has a lot saved and I don't,no I'm not hung up on finances worried about them yes hung up no

    Maybe casually mention that you don't have savings or that you intend to start saving or something. If you are together a year, and you are considering a future, money should really be something you start talking about.


  • #6
    Lassielady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Lassielady


    That's prob true ah I reckon it mightn't come up for another while so I reckon keep saving until it comes up?


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  • #7
    Addle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,817 ✭✭✭Addle


    Lassielady wrote: »
    That's prob true ah I reckon it mightn't come up for another while so I reckon keep saving until it comes up?

    Will he not question the dramatic change in lifestyle?


  • #8
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    Lassielady wrote: »
    That's prob true ah I reckon it mightn't come up for another while so I reckon keep saving until it comes up?

    If you can afford to, you should be trying to save for yourself anyway. Preparing for your own future is important.
    If this is something you felt compelled to ask advice on, then you should mention it to your boyfriend. Money is an important thing to be able to talk about, and if you are concerned it may be an issue, then address it now.


  • #9
    jlm29
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,818 ✭✭✭jlm29


    Just tell him. If buying/building a house comes up again, just be honest, and say that you know you wouldn't qualify for a mortgage at the moment, because you've enjoyed life, but that you're doing something about it at the moment... He's probably not with you for your bank balance, and if he's full time farming, there may well be times in his career when he doesn't have very much money coming in, and your teaching salary will keep things afloat! It's swings and roundabouts, but you need to be honest.


  • #10
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    Lassielady wrote: »
    That's prob true ah I reckon it mightn't come up for another while so I reckon keep saving until it comes up?
    Addle wrote: »
    Will he not question the dramatic change in lifestyle?

    Yes, start saving! If he notices a change in your lifestyle, there's your opening and your reason to talk about how his hard working and responsible attitudes to money and life have inspired you to start doing the same. No need to feel so guilty about spending all around you when it was just you, but now you have a reason (and I'm sure he'd be flattered and impressed) to do something about your future. I think you've asked a good and honest question of yourself, and I can't see how that would go wrong for you when it comes up in your relationship.


  • #11
    Blingy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,326 ✭✭✭Blingy


    When the conversation about money and debt/savings comes up just be honest.
    However in the mean time sort out your debt, stop using a credit card (if you are) try and bundle your debt into one loan and pay it off. Then start saving. Set up a savings account and transfer a set amount each month. This is assuming you have debt if not your in an even better position and just open a savings account and start now.


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  • #12
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    There's nothing to be ashamed of just because you haven't got massive savings.

    You say you've lived 'the high life' and 'riddled with regret' but that doesn't mean you've been a bad person for 8yrs! You may not have saved up much money, but you have enjoyed your social life and (perhaps?) travelled a bit etc. So you have built up a bit more life experience and more of a social life than, say, someone who has severely limited their outgoings for 8yrs in order so that they can save for a house. That's the trade-off.

    There's no right or wrong here. Some people will place more value on money, savings, owning a house and all that, and those people consider it 'wise' to save. Others have different priorities in life. Each to their own. You certainly don't need to beat yourself up over it - as already said, you can start saving now and if it bothers you that much, perhaps you can work out some plan with your boyfriend - e.g. his savings will contribute to the deposit but you'll pay a bigger portion of the mortgage to offset it for a fixed period of time, until you're on an equal footing.

    Remember, he's with you because he loves you as a person - not because of what you have in a bank account.


  • #13
    Boombastic
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,496 ✭✭✭Boombastic


    If you have lied to him about savings or led him to believe you have savings then there could be an issue.

    If not, there shouldn't be, but it depends on circumstances

    He might equate saving money with responsibility

    If ye have been planning on funding a house , he may just assume you have been saving for it also. He might feel he could trust you enough to not have to check up on you. If he now discovers no savings he may feel he is putting more effort in to your future than you and see it as you expecting him to pay for the lot while you live high life.


    I've tried to phrase that the best i could, basically it could open a whole can of worms


  • #14
    Carriexx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 145 ✭✭Carriexx


    HI. I remember you wrote this up a month or two ago. Are you still worrying about this but haven't made any changes yet???


  • #15
    Lassielady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Lassielady


    Hi there,
    I'm having some worries recently about money....I haven't saved as much as I shoul have over the last few years and now I'm seeing this guy for over a year,I know he has a lot saved,I'm still at home and pay rent,groceries and bills etc and as a result I have very little left to save at the end of each month....he is fully aware of the amount I pay and spend but I'm hoping if we remain together long term that when the time comes to talk seriously about money that this won't be a break up issue for us,as he is farming full time and has a lot more than me,I'm teaching for a few years,IM just worried is all,any advice much appreciated x


  • #16
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP - as this appears to be the same issue as just a few months ago I am merging your threads, no need to open a new topic on this as alot of the information is still valid.

    Taltos


  • #17
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    OP, have you ever had an actual conversation with your boyfriend about this issue? I get the impression that you're building this up into a great big monster in your head and it's driving you up the walls. Why not talk to him about it? It's going to come up sometime is it not? Better to tell him now rather than drop a bombshell later on. That is, if he considers it to be a bombshell in the first place. He's going out with you, not your bank balance.

    Not everyone's good with money. Some people, like myself, take a while to get ourselves into the habit of saving money. If I thought too much about the money I should've saved in my twenties I'd keep a shrink going for a month. It's an exercise in futility. None of us can go back and unspend the money we had. The only control you have is on the money you're earning going forward.

    I think it's far more important to show your boyfriend that you've learned the error of your ways and that you're now not spending your wages like they're going out of fashion.

    Seriously, just talk to him. Otherwise you're going to be going round and round in circles and getting more and more stressed about this.


  • #18
    junospider
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 167 ✭✭junospider


    Dont worry,he is farming,he wont have any savings!


  • #19
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    junospider wrote: »
    Dont worry,he is farming,he wont have any savings!

    Well he told her he has a lot saved...

    Just to add, should the pair of you go for a mortgage down the line, he might be delighted to have your wages coming in as a steady income. Especially if he has a bad year with the farming.

    As I've said before though, just talk to him. It can't be any worse than things are at present where you're getting stressed over this issue.


  • #20
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    Obliq wrote: »
    Yes, start saving! If he notices a change in your lifestyle, there's your opening and your reason to talk about how his hard working and responsible attitudes to money and life have inspired you to start doing the same. No need to feel so guilty about spending all around you when it was just you, but now you have a reason (and I'm sure he'd be flattered and impressed) to do something about your future. I think you've asked a good and honest question of yourself, and I can't see how that would go wrong for you when it comes up in your relationship.

    Just requoting myself as I think it's still good advice OP, but I'm adding that when you could have started saving 3 months ago, you didn't. Perhaps you think that savings happen by wishing for them?


  • #21
    Lassielady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭Lassielady


    No need for smartness obliq it's not necessary i have savings since the start of the year Cymbeline thanks for your advice much appreciated :-)


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  • #22
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    Lassielady wrote: »
    No need for smartness obliq it's not necessary i have savings since the start of the year Cymbeline thanks for your advice much appreciated :-)

    Ok, apologies for the smart comment, but where is your problem then? I don't get it. Anyone can understand that it's hard to save these days, but according to this comment, you have started saving. Is this a problem that you are imagining your fella would have with the amount you've saved, or has he said anything at all about it?


  • #23
    bee06
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Lassielady wrote: »
    No need for smartness obliq it's not necessary i have savings since the start of the year Cymbeline thanks for your advice much appreciated :-)

    You've posted this thread multiple times on multiple forums and haven't seemed to take any of the advice given on board. Talk to your boyfriend and stop obsessing.


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