Girlfriend thought/thinks i'm ugly:(

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 12:40PM #1

Met this girl in January of this year, I was smitten with her instantly, eventually i asked her out at the start of Feb......We went on our date and had a great time, I quickly fell in love with this girl because she is so amazing and beautiful but i still played it cool. Everything has been perfect to this point, we've been on mini breaks together, we have a holiday planned for June and she is coming with me to my cousins wedding in July. We've met each others families too and we all get on great with each other, she even comments on how amazing i am with her family, especially her little niece and nephew. I told her i love her about 6 weeks ago and I know its quick but i can't help how i feel and i'm also a heart on the sleeve guy, she was initially a bit panicky but ultimately she said it felt great to hear, i told her i didn't expect her to feel the same this soon so that she wouldn't feel uncomfortable with me telling her. Then while we were away on a romantic weekend away last Friday she told me she was in love with me, i was over the moon cause iv'e no doubt this girl is the one for me.
Everything was perfect until this morning, my iphone died on me last night and needs to be replaced, in the meantime my girlfriend let me borrow her old phone. Whilst i was using icloud to restore my data on to her phone i noticed an old text in her inbox, it was a conversation she had with her sister a couple of days after our first date, what follows is all of the conversation that is present:

Sister:
"Good luck dumping the poor ugly boy Lol, il ring you tomorrow"

Girlfriend:
"He's actually so nice and i'm a rotten bitch! I might learn to love him maybe!! Ring me tomorrow x"

Sister:
"That just means your chickening out of giving him the brush off haha"

Girlfriend:
"I know ya"

I'm absolutely devastated to read this, why would she continue to date me if she wasn't attracted to me let alone think i was ugly?
Where do i go from here? Any advice!!

Nuttzz · 19-05-2015 12:58PM

its a text from 4/5 months ago, it means nothing

I know from dating that sometimes there isnt an initial spark and the sweetshop effect means that people move on a lot quicker than they would have previously, but she didnt.

Also does it mention you by name? perhaps she was dating a few people at the same time?

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 01:02PM

No it doesn't mention my name but we were going for dinner the night of the date in question. Also she assures me she wasn't seeing anyone else and i believe her to be fair!

I guess the real question is, do i mention it to her?

KMoon09 · 19-05-2015 01:05PM

Hey OP, that's lousy for you to read and I can imagine how upset you must be feeling right now. She wrote if after your first date, a time when she was trying to figure things out. This is a few months on now, and it sounds like you have something good together. You have holiday plans, she has introduced you to her family and met yours...sounds like a solid early relationship to me. But all you can probably think about now is what you read in that conversation. So you need to think about if you can trust her, and whether she is sincere or not. For your own sake, you need to chat to her about what you read. Otherwise, you'll just have a lot of doubts in your head. Speak to her, and if you don't like what she has to say, move on. You deserve someone who is mad about you in every way.

whiskeyman · 19-05-2015 01:05PM

It was the sister that said 'ugly', not your GF... if that was you being referred to.
It may have been the sister who first coined that, but your GF just didn't mention it to be petty and she mightn't have anyone herself!

Do NOT mention it at all.
If she doesn't like you, she wouldn't be wasting her time.
Also, if you mention it, she'll be well annoyed that you saw her messages.
You have nothing to gain from mentioning it.

Is this your first relationship? You sounded a bit on edge with her, and a bit needy earlier on, and this may have made her rethink?
Even to say you believe it is just ringing with me. You sound like someone with low self esteem and confidence?

strobe · 19-05-2015 01:08PM

Firstly, for some people attraction can grow, you may not think someone's that gorgeous, but after you start sleeping together, and other things transpire, you can find yourself looking at them thinking "fvck, how did I not see what a ride they are in the beginning".

Secondly your gf isn't the one that used the word 'ugly'. So a preceding conversation could have been something along the lines of:

GF: So I've got a date on Saturday.

Sister: Oh is he hot?

Gf: Well he's all right.

Sister: Ugly so! Ha, ha.

Or something along those lines. So not that she thought you were ugly, just that she wasn't completely blown away by your looks initially. Which isn't nice to hear, but may not be as bad as you think.

Could also be that the conversation wasn't even about you. Could have been another guy she was seeing and planning on giving the brush off to in favour of you.

How is your relationship in general? How's your sex life? Outside of this is there anything that'd make you think she doesn't find you attractive?

I suppose you can have a conversation with her. Bring things around to when you first met and ask her what her first impressions of you were.

whiskeyman · 19-05-2015 01:09PM

KMoon09 wrote: »

For your own sake, you need to chat to her about what you read. Otherwise, you'll just have a lot of doubts in your head. Speak to her, and if you don't like what she has to say, move on. You deserve someone who is mad about you in every way.

Disaster move in my opinion.

He should know if she likes him / is in love with him without having to ask.
Do you feel you're not getting something from this relationship?
It sounds like you're happy the way things are now, and if so... don't bring this up!!

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 01:11PM

whiskeyman wrote: »

It was the sister that said 'ugly', not your GF... if that was you being referred to.
It may have been the sister who first coined that, but your GF just didn't mention it to be petty and she mightn't have anyone herself!

Do NOT mention it at all.
If she doesn't like you, she wouldn't be wasting her time.
Also, if you mention it, she'll be well annoyed that you saw her messages.
You have nothing to gain from mentioning it.

Is this your first relationship? You sounded a bit on edge with her, and a bit needy earlier on, and this may have made her rethink?
Even to say you believe it is just ringing with me. You sound like someone with low self esteem and confidence?

Its not my first relationship, it is the first time iv'e felt this way about someone!
I'm a pretty easy going and relaxed guy which she has said she likes about me in the past, i certainly don't think i was needy or on edge with her early in the relationship, in fact i let her do a lot of the chasing early on. I don't regard myself as being low in confidence or self esteem, i'm just a bit rocked by all this!

whiskeyman · 19-05-2015 01:16PM

henley.83 wrote: »

Its not my first relationship, it is the first time iv'e felt this way about someone!
I'm a pretty easy going and relaxed guy which she has said she likes about me in the past, i certainly don't think i was needy or on edge with her early in the relationship, in fact i let her do a lot of the chasing early on. I don't regard myself as being low in confidence or self esteem, i'm just a bit rocked by all this!

ok, cheers for that.
I'm delighted that you've found someone like this, and didn't mean to have a go at you there.
But I really feel you need to ignore this and move on and enjoy yourselves.
I'm thinking the same as strobe here.
Girls can be weird in their texting and especially sisters!!
On the flip side, if some GFs or wifes saw some of the stuff blokes text each other in a 'macho' way, there'd be a load of break ups!

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 01:20PM

Hey Strobe,

Sex life is great, she told me very early on that she didn't have a very high sex drive so i shouldn't expect sex on tap, which i understand.....we still have plenty of fun though and its always fantastic, shes told me that she hasn't experienced anyone like me in bed(in a good way haha) so i can't complain there.
Other than that, iv'e never got any vibe off her in the looks department, she even comments on how handsome i am when i dress up to go out. Which makes all this even more confusing!

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 01:23PM

Hey Whiskeyman,

Didn't think you were having a go for one second! I actually appreciate you taking the time to lend some advice. I hear where your coming from when you say to leave it alone and just get on with things, but i know myself it will prevent me from acting myself around her and she has already gotten very good at spotting when i'm not on form.......

blatantrereg · 19-05-2015 01:32PM

It sounds like you were snooping through her stuff to be honest. Going into her text messages wasn't cool.

You remark several times that she's beautiful. Therefore it's likely she had high standards of physical attractiveness. I wouldn't be too bothered be it personally. It just sounds like she is more mature in her approach to relationships than seeing the other person "amazing and beautiful" before she really gets to know them. You seem quite superficial on the other hand, which is why this is upsetting for you.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2015 01:40PM

I don't blame you for feeling upset, it's an absolutely horrible thing to have come across and in your shoes I would have been so hurt. But I think what you should focus on is that she is still with you now and obviously loves you, and as trite as it sounds, appearance is only skin deep. You are obviously such a good match for her that she forgot all about any initial reservations.

I felt compelled to reply to your post because I have a crystal-clear memory of when I first met my ex, of thinking that he was not in the least attractive. Two months of getting to know him and I was absolutely head-over-heels in love. We were together for years and I still think of him as the great love of my life. I very quickly started to find him more and more physically attractive as we became closer and in no time at all I was struggling to believe I ever found him anything less than gorgeous.

I really hope you find a way to move past this because it would be such a shame for what sounds like a great relationship to founder on what was probably nothing more than a bit of messing between sisters. I am sure you can think of times you have thought or said something jokey-nasty about someone that is a million miles from how you truly feel about them, and keep in mind this is someone who, at that time, scarcely knew you, it can't really be reconciled with your girlfriend's current position of knowing you really well and being in love with you.

If it was me I probably wouldn't say anything to her. She'd likely be both utterly mortified, and annoyed at you for looking at the text (even though you didn't mean to snoop it might seem that way). The only good that could come of it is her reassuring you she does find you attractive, but it's up to you to decide whether that would be enough to soothe your hurt feelings - if not, there probably isn't any point getting into it. The fact that she is with you nearly six months later and has told you she's in love with you speaks for itself I think.

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 01:42PM

blatantrereg wrote: »

It sounds like you were snooping through her stuff to be honest. Going into her text messages wasn't cool.

You remark several times that she's beautiful. Therefore it's likely she had high standards of physical attractiveness. I wouldn't be too bothered be it personally. It just sounds like she is more mature in her approach to relationships than seeing the other person "amazing and beautiful" before she really gets to know them. You seem quite superficial on the other hand, which is why this is upsetting for you.

Certainly wasn't snooping, i legitimately stumbled upon this message as i was swapping sim cards and data, a bit like finding an envelope with your name on it!!

When i say she's beautiful i mean both inside and out, i fell in love with the person not the body......Im upset by this because who wouldn't be a little put out at the thought of their girlfriend/wife or partner presumably finding you unattractive at the start of the relationship?!

blatantrereg · 19-05-2015 01:51PM

henley.83 wrote: »

Certainly wasn't snooping, i legitimately stumbled upon this message as i was swapping sim cards and data, a bit like finding an envelope with your name on it!!

When i say she's beautiful i mean both inside and out, i fell in love with the person not the body......Im upset by this because who wouldn't be a little put out at the thought of their girlfriend/wife or partner presumably finding you unattractive at the start of the relationship?!

Well me for one. I'm aware that was the case with at least one ex and it didn't bother me at all. Also have the experience of (different) partner's ex being internationally famous for being good looking. Again not bothered by that. My physical attractiveness is not a core part of my self esteem, nor have I relied upon it as a primary way of attracting women.

Potatoeman · 19-05-2015 01:52PM

It was a few months ago so her feelings could have changed. I would be careful that she's not waiting for something better too though. You have met her family but that does not necessarily mean its serious.
Asking about the texts could go either way.

blatantrereg · 19-05-2015 01:58PM

Honestly you getting worried about how you look is going to be a bigger issue than anything about your basic appearance. Women like confidence.

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 02:47PM

I'm not worried about my appearance at all so that's why i'm kinda stunned to be honest, I'm not a hunk by any means but i have always considered myself a handsome guy.

I guess i should try and suck it up for a few days and see if i can move on without mentioning anything.

Sunflower 27 · 19-05-2015 02:58PM

I don't know if you will be able to suck this up.

If it was me, I'd come clean and say what I saw. You said you weren't snooping (and I know nothing about cloud or whatever it was) so explain it to her. She may well be mortified. In fact she most likely will.

You seem like a lovely guy that played it cool and calm from the start. Confidence in anyone is attractive (as long as they are not arrogant with it).And the fact you weren't falling at her feet is further evidence of this.

You sound lovely, so regardless of what she may or may not have thought initially, she seems happy enough now. She wouldn't be with you otherwise

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 03:08PM

Thanks Sunflower,

I'm starting to see that the general consensus is that she has come to see me in a different way from her initial reaction.....and she has grown to love me for who i am. Surely it would not of got this far if she found no attraction to me at all!!! I'm all for 'beauty is skin deep' i really am but can anyone honestly say they would stay with someone this long if they weren't in the slightest way attracted to them?

And thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply and give their opinion, it helps give me a broader perspective of things.

Sunflower 27 · 19-05-2015 03:15PM

Well, I can only speak for myself and I would not stay with someone if I did not find them attractive.

But then, we all have different ideas of what is attractive.

You could always make a joke about your appearance and see what she says? I am betting it would be complimentary. It isn't all about high cheek bones and a six pack. Anyone with a brain knows that those are not the foundations on which a long-lasting relationship is based.

The worry here is that this is going to eat away at you. Don't let that happen. I'm all for confronting the issue honestly and openly and moving on from it.

Bottom line is you think you are attractive and she is in a relationship with you because she wants to be.

beks101 · 19-05-2015 03:23PM

Is there a bit of a distance between the both of you looks-wise? As in, is she some sort of stunner who's used to dating exclusively model-esque 'pretty boys' or something?

I have a friend like this. Always goes for the lad who look like some sort of One Direction reject. Pretty, preppy, boyband-ish. She hooked up with her OH a few years ago and he's the direct opposite, built and rugged and a bit rough around the edges and all the jokes ensued.

Maybe you're just not her usual type, but she subsequently clicked with you and grew to love you. If the sex is good and she's giving you compliments, I think you're grand. You just might have been a departure from the 'norm' to her in the immediate aftermath of that first date.

I couldn't tell you what I thought about my OH after our first date. 'Yeah he's hot but so was the last one' probably. I'd been on so many dates that went nowhere. It wasn't him being hot that made it go anywhere, I'd met plenty of those. It was the other stuff. His personality, his humour, his loyalty. He made me laugh, he texted when he said he would. There was chemistry. I constantly smiled in his company and at the thought of him.

That stuff is big. Most people don't have that stuff and become faceless over time, regardless of what they look like. It sounds like things went from 'not sure' to 'amazing' pretty swiftly with you guys so I wouldn't pay too much consideration to that text.

CaraMay · 19-05-2015 03:27PM

henley.83 wrote: »

Certainly wasn't snooping, i legitimately stumbled upon this message as i was swapping sim cards and data, a bit like finding an envelope with your name on it!!

!

Except it wasn't. It was a private text and I don't see your name mentioned in the excerpt you showed us.

She didn't say it - her sister did.

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 03:30PM

She honestly is the most beautiful woman i've ever seen, i told her once and she said i was blind!!ha
She's definitely the looker in the relationship, i'm not saying im bad either.....she normally goes for country lads(shes a country girl) she likes the hurler look, a manly kind of guy which i am all those things!! Well, retired hurler.

Pat_custard · 19-05-2015 03:36PM

Hey OP, something similar happened to me with an ex gf of mine. It happened years ago and same as you, right around the start of our relationship.

We were both young about 18/19 and still in college, I had met up with my ex, we shifted a few times but as far as I was concerned I was still single. I met another girl at a nightclub, hit it off and started texting for a few weeks after that. I also met up with this girl a few times but turns out we didn't properly click and nothing ever materialized.

About 2 months later myself and the ex (the first girl) started officially going out and dated for about 3 years. About a year into the relationship my ex asked me if i find her attractive. I said yes because I did. She told me she seen a message I sent to one of the lads during the time I seeing the other girl saying I thought the other girl was better looking. I had, and still have, no recollection of the message what so ever and neither did my friend.

I'll be honest it made me feel terrible because of the pain I must have caused her. It was s stupid text, especially because my ex was very good looking anyway. I assured her that I was being stupid, that I still love her, that I'm with her not that other girl everything I could to make her feel better and that I wanted her. She eventually accepted my answers, but every once in a while for the following 2 years she would ask me about her appearance, or if I was bringing her to meet a friend of mine or family members she'd ask if i'm embarrassed of her etc. To this day I still put her low confidence down to seeing that text.

Our break up was for something completely unrelated to all of this but it definitely created a small bit of tension around certain topics in our relationship. It still saddens me to this day to think that I sent that text.

But anyway that's my two pence hopefully it might help.

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 03:42PM

Pat_custard wrote: »

Hey OP, something similar happened to me with an ex gf of mine. It happened years ago and same as you, right around the start of our relationship.

We were both young about 18/19 and still in college, I had met up with my ex, we shifted a few times but as far as I was concerned I was still single. I met another girl at a nightclub, hit it off and started texting for a few weeks after that. I also met up with this girl a few times but turns out we didn't properly click and nothing ever materialized.

About 2 months later myself and the ex (the first girl) started officially going out and dated for about 3 years. About a year into the relationship my ex asked me if i find her attractive. I said yes because I did. She told me she seen a message I sent to one of the lads during the time I seeing the other girl saying I thought the other girl was better looking. I had, and still have, no recollection of the message what so ever and neither did my friend.

I'll be honest it made me feel terrible because of the pain I must have caused her. It was s stupid text, especially because my ex was very good looking anyway. I assured her that I was being stupid, that I still love her, that I'm with her not that other girl everything I could to make her feel better and that I wanted her. She eventually accepted my answers, but every once in a while for the following 2 years she would ask me about her appearance, or if I was bringing her to meet a friend of mine or family members she'd ask if i'm embarrassed of her etc. To this day I still put her low confidence down to seeing that text.

Our break up was for something completely unrelated to all of this but it definitely created a small bit of tension around certain topics in our relationship. It still saddens me to this day to think that I sent that text.

But anyway that's my two pence hopefully it might help.

Thanks Bud,

I know a woman and a mans reaction will be different to the whole 'seeing a text' but how did you feel about her seeing the text? Did she accidentally come upon it?

Pat_custard · 19-05-2015 03:54PM

Well, she had seen it about 2 months into our relationship. The text was also to a very good friend of mine so there was no way I was able to go back through ~10 months of messages to actually see the message.

My initial reaction was disbelieve because I didn't think I would ever say something like that, but I mustn't know myself very well. After I seeing she was being serious I asked her about when she saw the text.

I was devastated to be honest, granted the girl I was referring to was stunning (just no personality, it was a pure effort to try talk to her), but I felt terrible that I made my ex feel so bad about herself. I was supposed to be the one who adored her no matter what she looked like and I did after going out with her. When I first sent the text I can only assume I was just being a single young boy who only cared about looks and didn't expect the relationship to go anywhere.

She found the message because I had left my phone in her house one night when I went home. I never pursued her to tell me how she actually found it since it was 6 months old I can only assume she went through my messages knowing well I tell my mate nearly everything

magicmushroom · 19-05-2015 03:57PM

When I met my boyfriend, I don't remember being initially attracted to him at all. I didn't find him very good looking but ended up chatting to him all night and then we added each other on Facebook etc and then eventually started dating because there was a real spark between us.

After a few weeks I was head over heels in love and honestly I now think he is the sexiest and most beautiful man I've ever seen!

Sometimes it grows on you!
I can totally understand why you feel upset (I would be devastated to read what you did) but honestly, try and get past it - if things are good now then don't ruin it by bringing something up that isn't really relevant now.

meeeeh · 19-05-2015 04:20PM

At least you know that she is not with you because of your looks. And even better if you are broke you will know it isn't money either.

We can write and say things that we wouldn't even mean. You don't know why she said it or if she even meant you. If you have to approach the subject do it jokingly. And don't make a big deal out of it because it really isn't.

TheBeardedLady · 19-05-2015 04:40PM

I have a feeling she wasn't talking about you, OP.

henley.83 · 19-05-2015 04:42PM

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

I have a feeling she wasn't talking about you, OP.

What makes you so sure?haha

Girlfriend thought/thinks i'm ugly:(

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