Is almost perfect good enough?

Angelita · 04-10-2015 07:05PM #1

Hi,

My question really revolves around at what level should you settle? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? Are my reasons for breaking up cold and uncaring? Is it better to become a spinster or marry someone who's not an exact match?

I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. He was great but had absolutely no ambition which is the polar opposite of how I live and view life. Intelligent conversations were non-existent. He was a big fan of spouting the general consensus of good versus evil in how the world works e.g. rich people are evil, politicians are lazy, them versus us…..the general finger pointing and avoiding responsibility for the state your life is in. There's only so much of that I can listen to without trying to get an original opinion out of a person. This would inevitable end in an argument in which he would sulk for at least a day.

There was a language and cultural difference but I made allowances for that. Yet I'm pretty sure he's not the brightest crayon. He also smoked weed daily and took coke when he was partying with his friends whereas I don't touch drugs. He had moved to Ireland to be with me. I met him a few months before returning to Ireland. He was living rent free with me, making no effort to find a job until his money ran out.

As a kid I told myself I was going to marry someone at least as intelligent as I am. I thought I could make an exception because he was so kind, funny and genuinely loved me to bits. He was one of those rare big-smile characters that would light up a room and I really enjoyed being with him. But in the end it just seemed like there was no way this guy was going to understand me beyond my playful side.

When it was good it was incredible but the future looked like I would be paying for everything (even though he'd like it to be even) and he'd be lucky to get and keep bar work. Maybe I could accept that but the thought of retiring with a guy who couldn't humour me with an intelligent conversation seemed worse. (I'm nowhere near that stage of life, I don't know why I was dwelling on that)

So basically I've eliminated him for lack of intelligence despite being wonderful at everything else? Was this cruel? Is everything except intelligence good enough to marry? The alternative will likely be remaining single.

He doesn’t understand why I broke up with him and I can't admit to him that there's an intelligence gap. He'd have me back in a second which makes me feel even more cruel. I do think about taking him back every now and again. We still message every day.

Minera · 04-10-2015 07:12PM

Op you need to let this guy go with kindness do not tell him that you think hr is not as intelligent as you that would be cruel and unnecessary. You done the right thing in finishing with a person you do not have much in common with your intelligence and his kindness.
Give yourself a chance to meet someone who is on the same wavelength.

Typer Monkey · 04-10-2015 07:29PM

You're just not compatible OP so there's no point continuing with the relationship. You don't speak about him in loving or respectful terms so I doubt your feelings are strong enough to go the distance anyway. You appear to feel superior to him and look down on him so it would never make for a happy lifelong partnership.

You should also stop communicating with him. You're being really unfair keeping him dangling. You know he still has strong feelings for you so being in daily contact is really rather cruel

CaraMay · 04-10-2015 07:32PM

Ah no. You can't stay with someone you can't even have a conversation with. You would be just taking the easy road by getting back with him. I couldn't be with someone like him - no interest in developing his own thoughts, no interest in developing a career and sounds like no interest in contribution to society. Keep moving on.

Angelita · 04-10-2015 07:47PM

Typer Monkey wrote: »

You appear to feel superior to him and look down on him so it would never make for a happy lifelong partnership.

You should also stop communicating with him. You're being really unfair keeping him dangling. You know he still has strong feelings for you so being in daily contact is really rather cruel

Just want to clarify, I don't look down on him. I love him. I know we are not the same person. Where I might be more intelligent, he has better people skills. I understand that my question might give that vibe though. But it's not the case. I appreciate all of his talents.

The communication is always initiated by him. I want him to be happy and move on as much as that hurts. Much of our conversations are me encourgaging him to go out and have fun. I sign off with "I love you" which I should perhaps stop in order to help him move on.

CaraMay · 04-10-2015 07:50PM

Of course you should stop telling him you love him &#55357;&#56879;

Your mind is made up so its time to tell him that and break contact with him.

strandroad · 04-10-2015 07:57PM

It's not (just) intelligence, it's your goals, perspectives and your general outlook that are incompatible.
You did the right thing, you cannot build anything stable while your basics are so much off. You just need to be fair and let him go for good, make it clear that it's absolutely finished now.

zeffabelli · 04-10-2015 08:00PM

How can you claim to love someone you speak about in this way....

Odd.

LegacyUser · 04-10-2015 08:00PM

You did the right thing here by ending this relationship. I would always be wary of a man or woman who would expect me to pay the rent and bills. I have friends who supported there other halfs when they were out of work, started business or went back to college. The person supporting them know it was going to be hard for a period of time but long term it was to benefit them both.

I would like a man who has formed his own decisions and who I could have an intelligent conversation with. Long term you want a man with intelligence and who has some ambition. You have 2 important qualities - intelligence and kindness. Intelligence can help you know that some times you have to walk away from some people and circumstances that long term can drag you down. Kindness means you will help other people out and this come back back to you in various ways.
I have seen people settle in relationships when they know it ok but long term they can regret it.

dudara · 04-10-2015 08:37PM

@zeffabelli - Please offer constructive, targeted advice to the OP. If you cannot offer advice to the OP, then do not post. This is a final warning.

dudara

Witchie · 05-10-2015 03:09AM

Op a lot of your post reminds me of me this time 2 years ago. I still miss ny ex but we are friends and I adore him while knowing that his lack of drive and ambition would eventually bring me down and that outweighed the good.

Tell him you care dearly about him but that you both need a new direction in life and let him go.

Best of luck. X

Ursus Horribilis · 05-10-2015 06:55AM

Sometimes people do the right things for the wrong reasons. You're fixating on the lack of intelligence issue but I see red flags all over this. You're well rid of this guy not that you can see this yet. It's interesting that you use the word "Spinster" in your post. Are you terrified of not finding anyone else and ending up single?

You had a whirlwind romance with him (you only met him a few months before he came here) so it's only now that you're seeing the less wonderful side of him. Is he from a country where he needs a Visa to stay, can I ask?

This was always going to end in tears. He sounds like a sponger and a waster. Someone who charmed you and thought he was onto a good thing when he hooked up with you. Who'd not want to move to a new country, get to party, smoke weed, take cocaine and have it all funded by his naive girlfriend? Can you not accept this for what it is?

Even though he sounds like a sponge and someone who's going to latch onto some other poor naive Irish woman, what you're doing is unfair. Stop leading him on. It's not fair on him and it's not doing you any good either.

OneOfThem · 05-10-2015 07:26AM

Almost perfect is when one of you I've techno and the other country and western. You two have incompatible personalities and future life goals.

And for the love of God stop telling him you love him, considering you've said he'd get back with you in a second, and realistically with what you've said about him even if you did get back together it'd be temporary until the same things mean you dump him again, it's bordering on cruel... just keeping him hanging thinking "well she keeps telling me she loves me, this break up things a blip"...

frostyjacks · 05-10-2015 07:36AM

You did absolutely the right thing, this was never going to work. Of course he'd have you back in a second; he was living rent free, not worrying about finding a job, taking drugs with his mates. That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me, more like a kept man.

Neyite · 05-10-2015 09:02AM

It's easy to love someone on one level but they can irritate you on another level - its common in lots of families, including my own!

I've cared about partners, but hated certain things they did, or beliefs they held. Its totally normal. You care about him, but long term comparability on a day to day level is not there and you are mature enough to recognise that.

Make it a clean break, and if you care about him, consider minimising the hurt you'll cause him by NOT telling him the full details of why you broke up. You have feelings for him but don't see a future with him- its that simple.

Emme · 05-10-2015 01:31PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

You did absolutely the right thing, this was never going to work. Of course he'd have you back in a second; he was living rent free, not worrying about finding a job, taking drugs with his mates. That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me, more like a kept man.

This is what I thought when I read the OP's post. She's hardworking, ambitious, likes an interesting conversation and is decent to boot - she is willing to put a guy up rent free. Maybe she's too decent - he seems to be living in a fug of dope while she goes out and pays the bills.

OP, you would be better off on your own than with somebody who drains you. Let him go, don't contact him again and don't worry about meeting someone. There are lots of hardworking intelligent guys out there who aren't looking for a woman to sponge off. You need to give yourself the best chance possible to meet them so you need to be single for now.

LegacyUser · 06-10-2015 01:01PM

For the life of me OP, I can't see why you describe either this guy or the relationship as "almost perfect". He has a big smile.....and that seems to be it. After that, no effort to find work, smokes weed, takes coke, financially irresponsible, has no problem being over-opinionated while under-informed and sulks when that leads to a row. I wouldn't for one minute consider that almost perfect", in fact it sound like you were raising a teenager going through a surly, misbehaving phase.

I suspect that if none of the above bad points existed, if he was responsible and at least a little ambitious, you would barely notice the intellectual gap, never mind base a decision on it. For whatever reason, you're paraphrased the reasons for the split into the purported difference in intelligence, when in fact his behaviour appears to me to be the real reason for you getting fed up and realising it's going nowhere. While you're wrecking your head about the intellectual differences, ask yourself would you put up with that behaviour from someone smarter than you. I'll bet you wouldn't and if I'm right, then you have to walk on from this, cut contact and stop wasting your time, or giving him false hope by telling him you love him, whether it's true or not.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2015 05:09AM

Guessed wrote: »

For the life of me OP, I can't see why you describe either this guy or the relationship as "almost perfect". He has a big smile.....and that seems to be it. After that, no effort to find work, smokes weed, takes coke, financially irresponsible, has no problem being over-opinionated while under-informed and sulks when that leads to a row. I wouldn't for one minute consider that almost perfect", in fact it sound like you were raising a teenager going through a surly, misbehaving phase.

I suspect that if none of the above bad points existed, if he was responsible and at least a little ambitious, you would barely notice the intellectual gap, never mind base a decision on it. For whatever reason, you're paraphrased the reasons for the split into the purported difference in intelligence, when in fact his behaviour appears to me to be the real reason for you getting fed up and realising it's going nowhere. While you're wrecking your head about the intellectual differences, ask yourself would you put up with that behaviour from someone smarter than you. I'll bet you wouldn't and if I'm right, then you have to walk on from this, cut contact and stop wasting your time, or giving him false hope by telling him you love him, whether it's true or not.

I was thinking about this thread, and was just about to reply in the same way.

What you describe sounds very far off perfect to me - and by the way you describe it, more importantly sounds well off perfect to you. He sounds like a good time guy, all sunshine and smiles when everything is going his way - but what else does he contribute towards your relationship? Nothing practical, from what you've said. Nothing in terms of conversation either. And sulky with it!

All I can think of is that the guy must be physically attractive and a charmer, but has no substance to him. That's not an intellectual gap; in my honest opinion (and not meaning to criticise you) that's you convincing yourself that you're cleverer than him, and using that to explain to yourself that you went for him for shallow reasons.

There's no future in this relationship OP.

silverbolt · 08-10-2015 10:20AM

Angelita wrote: »

Hi,

So basically I've eliminated him for lack of intelligence despite being wonderful at everything else? Was this cruel? Is everything except intelligence good enough to marry? The alternative will likely be remaining single.

can you imagine marrying someone who conversationally at least is boring? Not to mention is an unemployed drug taking layabout with no ambition whatsoever? Youd be utterly miserable.

Intelligence is very attractive in people, the ability to hold a conversation and debate back and forth defending view points is a great thing to do in a relationship

Ursus Horribilis · 08-10-2015 01:05PM

Angelita wrote: »

So basically I've eliminated him for lack of intelligence despite being wonderful at everything else? Was this cruel? Is everything except intelligence good enough to marry? The alternative will likely be remaining single.

I don't know if you're still monitoring this thread but this is something that you should think long and hard about. Are you so afraid of remaining single that you're prepared to settle for someone who isn't the right person for you. You also threw the word spinster into the mix, again an emotive term especially if you're a woman who struggles to find boyfriends and thinks she'll never have what her friends have.

grumpynerd · 13-10-2015 07:42PM

most guys find it hard to find smart women. my iq is sky high. it just makes life harder. not sure if intelligence matters as much as similar outlook and values...they dont have to be linked to abstract intelligence...

PinkLemonade · 14-10-2015 10:02AM

grumpynerd wrote: »

most guys find it hard to find smart women. my iq is sky high. it just makes life harder. not sure if intelligence matters as much as similar outlook and values...they dont have to be linked to abstract intelligence...

All my friends are intelligent women, either your looking in the wrong places or your not asking women the right questions.

OP, it doesn't sound like your compatible at all, I think it's for the best to try find someone who your more suited too.

CaraMay · 14-10-2015 12:05PM

grumpynerd wrote: »

most guys find it hard to find smart women. my iq is sky high. it just makes life harder. not sure if intelligence matters as much as similar outlook and values...they dont have to be linked to abstract intelligence...

Not true. My female friends are incredibly smart, well travelled and social. I think you'll find that smart women are choosy and know their worth and don't settle.

Is almost perfect good enough?

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