When to say enough is enough?

LegacyUser · 24-12-2015 05:05PM #1

My ex and I broke up in May. Were in constant contact for a month after that. They cut contact then and there was no contact for three weeks. I had been thinking a lot about things during those three weeks and I realised I wanted this person back.

I reached out to my ex and was told that they no longer wanted anything to do with me and to leave them alone. Turns out they'd met someone else and was 'blissfully' happy. Over the next week or two I made a couple of attempts to talk to this person but I just got ignored. Eventually I left things alone and there was no contact for a month or so. I then got an odd text asking, how I was? How are things etc? I asked why they were in contact with me and what did they want? They said 'nothing, just making sure you are ok' They would then proceed to tell me how great their new relationship was. Almost rubbing my face in it. This went on for a while until I just completely blocked this person from all ways of contacting me.

Fast forward to two months ago, they got back in contact and told me that they'd broken up with this other person and that they wanted to see if we could make a go of it again. I was really angry, that they had contacted me again, as I was just beginning to feel myself again. I told them that I didn't want anything to do with them and to leave me alone etc. Truth is I want nothing more than to get back with this person. I miss them a lot. Think of them most days.

Maybe I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses though as there was a good reason for us breaking up. It wasn't the first time either. Both of our family's would be against us getting back together, and most of our friends I'd say. I've no interest in anyone else and can't be bothered trying to meet someone. Can things ever change?

Sorry for all the them/they/other person. Trying to remain anonymous...

bluetomato · 24-12-2015 05:19PM

You say there was a good reason for you breaking up, can that reason be fixed or forgiven? Why would your family and friends be against you getting back together? Was it because of the way you broke up or were you just a toxic couple in general?

LegacyUser · 24-12-2015 05:36PM

We fought a fair bit. I lost patience with it. Any sign of an argument and I'd almost roll my eyes and say 'here we go' . We were pretty nasty to each other when we did argue. We'd say some horrible things.
Me ex has a lot of trust issues and that used to cause arguments as well. Jealousy on both sides.

Friends and family, to an extent, know a lot of the crap that went on between us. I'm embarrassed about how much they know to be honest.

There was so much good between us though. Such a strong connection. I don't know why we fought really. Its so hard to understand it. We had no reasons to be fighting.

bluetomato · 24-12-2015 06:01PM

I think things can change if you learn to communicate better. It's not easy if you were in the habit of going straight to nasty mode or being too stubborn to apologise or back down and things like that but it could be worked on if you both agreed to try,

Those habits and dynamics between 2 people can be hard to change even after a break but if you both agreed to take steps to address it you might have a chance.

If you catch yourself mid rant just stop and say "Look that was out of order" or say you need a minute and walk away. The other person shouldn't gloat or think they've won, just accept it for what it is, an attempt to stop the cycle of arguing.

As for the trust issues, have either of you given the other any reason not to trust each other or are the issues coming from your own self esteem? Would you be the type to throw your ex's rebound relationship in their face during arguments if you got back together?

uck51js9zml2yt · 24-12-2015 10:32PM

It seems to me that he's just using your initial wanting to get back together, which he flatly refused, as a back up plan after his latest break up.

There was a reason you broke up. If it were me, I'd leave him were he belongs, in the past.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-12-2015 12:41AM

All I can say is that I've known a few people who were in relationships with a dynamic like yours. None of them ended in a happy ever after. I wonder are you so addicted to the drama and the "passion" that you get with this person that a normal relationship seems dull in comparison?

LegacyUser · 25-12-2015 06:41PM

Its not the drama I like or want. I just want to be in a normal relationship with this person. Its all the normal coupley things I miss. Not the bull****. We were so close to each other. Instantly. There didn't seem to be an 'awkward' phase. We just clicked, instantly. It was so easy, until it wasn't easy anymore....

Nothing happened between us that would have made either of us insecure. It was over our 'pasts' I just miss this person so much!

Maybe its the fact that work has been so busy. I recently started a new job and its been so stressful for the last month and is going to be even more stressful for the next 3 weeks. Seems like all I'm doing is work/home/work. And thinking of my Ex in between. There is nothing I want more than to come home and for them to be there..

Maybe I'm just missing the relationship?
I just keep thinking 'what if..........?'

Anyway , Happy Christmas!

Ursus Horribilis · 25-12-2015 09:49PM

Yes but I'm not seeing how you can be in a normal relationship with your ex. You had your chance and you fought like cats and dogs and generally brought the worst out in each other. What exactly has changed in the meantime? Once the novelty of getting back together wears off, will you be back to square one again?

magneticimpulse · 26-12-2015 01:10PM

You could not bother and move on which sounds like the better option.

You could get back together and be at square one fighting etc. or a very slim chance that ye have changed and it could work out.

What it comes down to is how much more time do you want to waste with this guy? If you give it another go, are you happy that you could waste 6 months with him trying the same thing? What's changed that it would work this time? Or you could spend your time meeting someone who you do get on with.

Dellnum · 26-12-2015 09:08PM

If you still feel you would like to make a go of it with him then why not, it won't take you longer than 6 months to find out how it is going and then you will know for sure whether you want to keep on going or not. At the moment you are not sure so why not try once more.

dav32cs · 26-12-2015 09:18PM

Jadiel Dry Memoir wrote: »

It seems to me that he's just using your initial wanting to get back together, which he flatly refused, as a back up plan after his latest break up.

There was a reason you broke up. If it were me, I'd leave him were he belongs, in the past.

OP never stated any gender in post.

Apart from that , they should take note of the rest of the advice.

LegacyUser · 27-12-2015 08:07PM

You can and will have the exact same kind of connection with someone else. It's pretty much inevitable. It's how we're (humans) wired up. There's absolutely nothing special or unique about the connection you had with this one. There just isn't. Meet someone else, spend time with them, sleep with them, fall for them, and then the connection will develop, it's chemistry, it's just how it works.... but they won't scream horrible sh1t at you to make you feel bad about yourself because they're in a bad mood. Wouldn't that be awesome? Trying to make this work is trying to hammer a square peg into a round whole. They sound like a massive bitch and like they bring the worst out in you as a result. 'Connection' is ten a penny. It just happens. Like tiredness or hunger. And the very instant you make a new connection with a new person you'll think back to now when you were thinking of getting back with this one and smack yourself round the head for having ever been so stupid.

dimko · 28-12-2015 10:57AM

1 month - 'they' already have someone.
Short time later - they are dumped, for all we know. Is there a reason that person is dumped? Could it be she is so bad that other one didn't want them? Could it be you are just used as emergency landing line?

Ask friends and family, why they are against them. If their words match, check with yourself. If it matches with your understanding of things, probably they are right. The question is, how much that thing bothers you? How much does it make you unhappy? How much do you want to sacrifice for it?

LegacyUser · 28-12-2015 12:46PM

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will just leave things as they are now. I wish they had stayed with that other person tbh as I was beginning to feel ok again before my ex got back in contact. Knowing that they want me back just makes me think 'what if?' Makes me wonder could it work?Truth is, it doesn't sit right with me that my ex could go off with someone else so quickly and it probably would come up in an argument in the future.

The reason, apparently, that it ended with the other person is that 'it wasn't me' and that they realised that they'd made a big mistake. Thing is last year, April 2014, the same thing happened. We took a 'break' and not one week later they'd met someone else and dated them for 2 months. Fool me once and all that...

Thing is, even after everything, its still very hard to walk away. Guess I'll just have to cop on and try and move on!!

Ursus Horribilis · 28-12-2015 01:43PM

I think for both of you, there's a bit of "better the devil you know" going on. My guess is that you're both feeling a bit lonely and at a loose end at the moment. That's not a valid reason to get back together again. You should never lose sight of why the break-up happened in the first place. No matter how wonderful your connection was, there was also that very bad side. There was something fundamentally rotten about your relationship if you fought so much, hurled abuse at each other and had jealousy issues.

If you've decided to leave your ex be, you should cut contact with them. Even though you broke up in May, there was an awful lot of contact still going on after that. As you've identified yourself, you were starting to get back to normal when your ex popped up again. For your own sake you should block their number on your phone and sever all ties.

haveringchick · 28-12-2015 01:50PM

Christmas is a bad time of year for these kind of desicions
Yeah it would be lovely to have someone at 12 midnight New Years Eve and you can make all the "brand new start" resolutions as a couple but come Jan 1 all your old problems are still there and your broken heart is back at step 1
Don't rush back into it OP

LegacyUser · 28-12-2015 04:42PM

I know Christmas can be a lonely time of year. That's not the main reason I'm missing my ex though. We were great together the majority of the time. It just became overshadowed by the horrible arguments.
I guess it's too easy to look back now with rose tinted glasses. At times I forget some a the crazier Sh1t that happened. I'm not going to rush into anything. I just worry that I'll leave it too long and it'll be too late?
How long is long enough to be thinking though? No matter when/if it ever happens I would have my doubts about going back. Guess that pretty much sums everything up really. I'd have to be 100% sure it could work. Otherwise I'd probably be almost waiting for things to go pear shaped again.
That's not really fair on either of us....

When to say enough is enough?

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