Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

Rb · 29-04-2009 02:10PM

Depuy Lady: You've made some good points and it's clear you're living a happy life with a daughter you love and are well able to provide for but for every one like you, there's 300 other girls who decide to keep the baby and then either can't provide for it, do a bad job of it or lump the majority of the burden on their parents while they try to live a "normal" life (which 99% of the time means going out boozing with mates and the like, not college)

prinz · 29-04-2009 02:10PM

shellyboo wrote: »

Should have known you'd be on my back over that one prinz :)I fully support anyone's choice to practice abstinence as a form of contraception - after all, it IS the only 99.999999999% effective method of preventing pregnancy. (The Virgin Mary throws off the percentage, very unfortunate :pac:).

She doesn't count. she got a special dispensation.:pac:

shellyboo wrote: »

However - to say to someone "too bad, you got pregnant, you shouldn't have been having sex if you didn't want a baby" is akin to saying "too bad, you're fat, you shouldn't eat if you didn't want to be fat." In foresight, saying "I'm not going to have sex to avoid pregnancy" is perfectly logical. In hindsight it just has no meaning.

Agreed. Which is why I said no such thing. It's going to take a lot of time for the OP and her boyfriend to try to work something out.

shellyboo wrote: »

So why all this condemnation of the OP's boyfriend for doing something completely and utterly natural?

So completely and utterly natural that you should be fully aware of the possible outcome.It's not unreasonable to have planned for this. Apparently they had. And now the OP changes her mind. It's a tough one.

shellyboo wrote: »

Procreation is no longer the only purpose of sex. We need to get our head out of the clouds in this country and be realistic about that.

Don't remember anyone ever saying it was.As for the other, there are very few people 'in the clouds' anymore.

Rb · 29-04-2009 02:13PM

ellie1 wrote: »

You presumed. Maybe she is in college. I personally wouldnt view a degree as being highly regarded in this day and age. A masters maybe

Indeed, you don't view a degree as being highly regarded.

Those in the working class certainly would, those who's parents "never got the chance to get a degree" would etc which, and I don't mean to offend anybody here, also would probably make up the majority of young and/or single parents these days.

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 02:18PM

ellie1 wrote: »

And because he choose to have sex which resulted in her getting pregnant, he will have a financial responsibility.

Why should he have this responsibility while women have a right to choose to escape it?

Remember, outside of the fact that they had agreed as a couple not to have a child in this event, the issue is not that she does not want to have an abortion or even that she, presumably, does not want to put the child up for adoption, but that she has made a choice that she wants to keep and raise this child.

If she wants to make this choice, then she should by all means do so, however, given that we have been overloaded with propaganda about women's rights in relation to unplanned pregnancies for decades now, it seems pretty obscene we should consider it perfectly acceptable that she can choose this for herself (and the child) and then expect someone else to foot a significant part of the bill, while if the shoe were on the other foot we would be falling over ourselves sympathizing with her.

Even if one considers the rights of the child, it seems bizarre that the mother can act as judge, jury and executioner on this too. After all, it may well be in the child's best interests to be adopted. Yet, she can make these decisions for the child's supposed well-being and expect someone else to foot a good chunk of the bill - even though they had no say in the matter.

I'm sorry, but none of the "two to tango" and "won't someone think of the children" arguments ultimately wash, when they are completely ignored when the genders are reversed. This is the bottom line on this issue.

If she wants to make this choice, then no one should tell her otherwise. But if she does so unilaterally, she has to live with the consequences alone. That is the point of social responsibility; that we suffer the consequences of our choices, not that we can avoid them when we don't want to deal with them (as women can with unwanted pregnancies) and then pass a good part of the consiquences onto someone else when we do.

Nevyn · 29-04-2009 02:22PM

Look it's not that you got pregnant it's that you have changed your mind about continuing the pregnancy.

You can't expect him to lump it and like it.
The same he can not demand or expect you to have an abortion,
you can not demand or expect him to have an active parenting role.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 02:25PM

Are there any laws in Ireland around this matter?. The guy was afraid of getting her pregnant but she talked him around. They had made a decision together that they'd have an abortion should pregnancy occur. Then she changes her mind when it does happen and now he's going to have to pay maintenance for a child he specifically said at the beginning he didn't want. Surely, surely he has rights in all this??. This is ridiculous!.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 02:26PM

irelandrover wrote: »

This is the kind of thing i have a problem with. Why is the rights of the mother here worth more than the father. He was very responsible in my opinion. Made it very clear his feelings. They reached an agreement. both were equal all the way. Now that she is pregnant his opinion means a lot less. In fact he has no rights whatsoever except the right to just accept her decision and pay maintenance when the baby does arrive.

Hi, im the person who originally posted the comment you are referring too. Where in my post did i say anything about rights? I have said the most important person is the baby, then her then him. Why? because she is the one who is pregnant and that baby deserves to have a Mum that looks after herself and not stress out about the father and his reaction, that is not going to help the baby. Pregancy is hard on the body and the baby and stress etc does not help. Im not talking about she needs more sympathy than him, my focus was the baby and the health of the mother, not the rights of either parent.

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 02:33PM

Why should he have this responsibility while women have a right to choose to escape it?

Because she is carrying the child for nine months. He choose to have sex therefore has to take responsibility for one of the results of having sex which is pregnancy. As i already said, preplanning for just in case contraception fails is rubbish.

Op, I again think you should give your bf time to get used to the idea. If he dosent , maybe you will have to parent alone. Really encourage him to go to college though. I really hope it all works out whatever happens. xxxxxxx

29-04-2009 02:37PM

barbiegirl wrote: »

Who cannot walk away no matter what decision is made, abortion, adoption, keeping it? That would be the girl because she is the one with a life inside her and whatever her decision this baby is real to her, and the ramifications of any decision will hit her hardest.

Quite the opposite, abortion and adoption constitute walking away and she can do both easily; his only option is to agree with her. In fact, does the mother even have to offer the baby to the father before she places it up for adoption?

29-04-2009 02:40PM

ellie1 wrote: »

Because she is carrying the child for nine months. He choose to have sex therefore has to take responsibility for one of the results of having sex which is pregnancy. As i already said, preplanning for just in case contraception fails is rubbish.

But she chooses to have sex so therefore has to take responsibility for the baby? Oh, no, SHE has the "right to choose". And preplanning is never "rubbish", it was quite sensible of them.

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 02:43PM

994 wrote: »

Quite the opposite, abortion and adoption constitute walking away and she can do both easily; his only option is to agree with her. In fact, does the mother even have to offer the baby to the father before she places it up for adoption?

Abortion or adoption are not easy things to do.
Having a baby is not an easy thing to do.
All decisions the op and her bf will have to live with for the rest of her life.
The man is not having an abortion, his body does not have to deal with the physical forced rejection of a baby or cells.

And the adoption board, does seek the father out prior to placing the child for adoption.

And preplanning is never "rubbish", it was quite sensible of them.

A man or woman does not know how they will feel if they get pregnant. The woman carries the baby so therefore has the right to choose.

Sinall · 29-04-2009 02:49PM

You can't expect him to change his mind because you have. He may come around to the idea and he may not, but that will be his decision and not yours.

You of course have the right to change your mind but he equally has the right to stick to his original opinion.

He obviously is looking at the immediate implications for his own life and that's understandable; you are probably both in shock right now. Give him time, don't try to push him into a change of heart. I hope it all works out for you.

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 02:50PM

Rb wrote: »

Depuy Lady: You've made some good points and it's clear you're living a happy life with a daughter you love and are well able to provide for but for every one like you, there's 300 other girls who decide to keep the baby and then either can't provide for it, do a bad job of it or lump the majority of the burden on their parents while they try to live a "normal" life (which 99% of the time means going out boozing with mates and the like, not college)

Thanks RB that means a lot. I am very happy now in my life but I would hate for any two parents to feel forced to stay together for the sake of a child. That's what I did for almost 4 years and it now has myself and my ex hating each other.

That's why I hope the OP does feel confident enough to bring up her child on her own if she has to. She can't talk someone round to the idea of parenting it has to come from within.

And I guess I am lucky to be able to go out to work everyday and I am on good wages. But there's still big outgoings every month with or without a child. Thats the joys of life!!!

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 03:06PM

Unregist wrote: »

Are there any laws in Ireland around this matter?. The guy was afraid of getting her pregnant but she talked him around. They had made a decision together that they'd have an abortion should pregnancy occur. Then she changes her mind when it does happen and now he's going to have to pay maintenance for a child he specifically said at the beginning he didn't want. Surely, surely he has rights in all this??. This is ridiculous!.

No. Men have absolutely no rights with regard to this matter whatsoever.

ellie1 wrote: »

Because she is carrying the child for nine months.

Then he can pay maintenance for nine months too.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 03:10PM

did you trap him?? did deep down in you somewhere you wanted a child and now you have it?! i'm wondering why he was so terrified about the whole idea and then before we know it you are pregnant. it's like a case of 'careful what you ask for, you might just get it'.

abortion and adoption are both difficult choices, but you will live with whatever you decide to do, and in the long run it will be for the best and will be the correct decision, because at the time it was right.

give your boyfriend time to absolve what is happening here, you are both still young and believe it or not, it's the start of something great, not the end. as another poster said, encourage him to go to college and achieve all the things he wants in life, that will come back ten fold and you will show us all that you are a loving family who always want the best

best of luck, though i don't think you need it

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 03:19PM

ellie1 wrote: »

Because she is carrying the child for nine months. He choose to have sex therefore has to take responsibility for one of the results of having sex which is pregnancy. As i already said, preplanning for just in case contraception fails is rubbish.

She chose to have sex with someone who she KNEW did not want a child. So she should take responsibility for HER choice. Her choice to have sex with a man who she knew would not be there for her if she got pregnant.

She now has to deal with that choice.

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 03:30PM

shellyboo wrote: »

She now has to deal with that choice.

This reminds me of a particular quote from the movie "As Good as it Gets":

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

I know that it is unfair to generalize, and certainly there are many women who are also appalled by this type of irresponsible hypocrisy, but it is difficult not to when one repeatedly hears such "do as I say, don't do as I do" arguments.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 03:33PM

She chose to have sex with someone who she KNEW did not want a child. So she should take responsibility for HER choice. Her choice to have sex with a man who she knew would not be there for her if she got pregnant.Posted by Shellyboo

She choose to have sex. He choose to have sex. She can choose whether to have an abortion or not. He can choose whether to be part of the childs life or not. He will have a financial responsibility as he is the father of the child.

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 03:40PM

OK we've all kinda gone back and forth on this one(myself included too in fairness), but lets try and actually give advice as to what the OP can do next with regard to the boyfriend and his feelings and how they can both move forward practically, either together or apart. Thanks.

Kimia · 29-04-2009 03:42PM

I completely agree with everything Ellie has said on this thread.

I also understand where you're coming from Corinthian.

BUT, as Ellie said, you cannot 'plan' on how you're going to feel, as a woman, having a baby growing inside you. It throws everything out the window, you just cannot promise someone that you will have an abortion if you get pregnant it's ridiculous.

No matter how much he bleated on about being scared of her getting pregnant, he still went ahead and had sex with her.

You can argue that she made a promise, yadda yadda, but if he was a mature, sensible adult male, who has ANY idea about women, he should NEVER have accepted that 'promise' to get an abortion.

It takes 2 to tango - and abortion isn't a get out of jail free card and shouldn't be treated as such.

She is not trapping him! He trapped himself FFS.

shellyboo · 29-04-2009 03:45PM

Kimia wrote: »

No matter how much he bleated on about being scared of her getting pregnant, he still went ahead and had sex with her.

And even though she knew he didn't want a baby, she went ahead and had sex with him. So why is she expecting him to be a doting daddy now?

Nitxteha · 29-04-2009 03:50PM

Only you know if it was an accident or not. You must be very fertile when you get pregnant on the pills and using condoms...But I suppose if it happened to you, it can happen.

However, this is what your boyfriend may be thinking and may be trying to make up his mind.

You decided to keep the baby and that's very wise. Talk to your family and ask for their support. Don't fall for the trap of living on social welfafe and stay at home. Go to college or get an education so that you can support yourself and your child someday.

And regarding your boyfriend..set him free. Let him make up his mind, show him you didnt want to trap him. If he decides to get back to you and take responsibility, fine..but that would be HIS decition and he won't be able to throw it in your face averytime he looks at you.

Stheno · 29-04-2009 03:54PM

Hurtgirlfriend wrote: »

We still both live at home but he would spend nearly every night over at mine and now when he does he either sleeps in the spare room or if he does sleep in my bed he won't even hold or cuddle me anymore which is killer .
Just don't know how to bring him roound or how to get him being ok about this,sorry for the long post .

OP

Imo you need to sit down and talk to your bf about this whole scenario.

I would suggest that you both go somewhere so that you can discuss the different options without potentially having siblings or parents interrupt you.

You are not necessarily going to get him round, or being ok about this situation and before you talk to him, you need to do some thinking about your own future and plans for your child, with or without your boyfriend there, so that at least that is clear in your head.

What you could do is discuss what he percieves as

"I've now trapped him for life and that all his plans are over cause of me

, i.e does he think that he has to stay with you/the baby regardless of he feels, and also discuss his plans as they were prior to you becoming pregnant, and how they may/will be impacted were he to be an active father.

You should also be willing to discuss his not having an active parenting role and accept that.

At least then you'd make a start on moving things along, rather than the two of you simply ignoring the matter as you appear to be doing now.

Good luck

The Corinthian · 29-04-2009 03:57PM

Kimia wrote: »

It takes 2 to tango - and abortion isn't a get out of jail free card and shouldn't be treated as such.

Why do you insist on saying that it takes two to tango when only one is choosing the tune?

No one has ever suggested that abortion, or adoption, are choices without cost. But they are choices, and that is the bottom line.

She is not trapping him! He trapped himself FFS.

No, the biased and blatantly anti-male nature of family law in the West has trapped him. There is no reason to believe that she actively sought to get pregnant.

However, following her U-turn, and in her complete disinterest in his feelings outside of how they may be leveraged to "get him on board", she is attempting to entrap into her choice towards parenthood.

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 03:59PM

shellyboo wrote: »

And even though she knew he didn't want a baby, she went ahead and had sex with him. So why is she expecting him to be a doting daddy now?

The op was not looking for a child. Neither was her boyfriend(or was he?;))
Both in engaged in sexual activity which resulted in her getting pregnant. Both are responsible.She has decided to keep the baby. He is annoyed as he believed some plan b they made prior to pregnancy would be upheld. She is upset because she thought he might come around to the idea and loves him and thought he might except it. He might come around or he may not want to be part of the babys life. He has to pay maintenance as he is the father.

Op, my brother engaged in a one night stand. The girl got pregnant. Everybody said it was a trap even her own friends. He took responsibility and the child is an absolute joy to all my family. He pays maintenace and has regular overnight access. He is a great dad. In fact she is a great mam too. She is pregnant again, not with the dad of second child. There is women out there who do genuinly trap men into pregnancy, so that maybe why this thread is so heated. However, there would be no pregnancy if there was no sex so therefore your bf is somewhat responsible. If he walks away so be it. Good luck with it all.

Kimia · 29-04-2009 04:02PM

shellyboo wrote: »

And even though she knew he didn't want a baby, she went ahead and had sex with him. So why is she expecting him to be a doting daddy now?

That's not my point.

Of course he doesn't have to be a doting daddy. That's up to him.

I'm only saying that it wasn't her fault - she didn't TRAP him - they both had sex, and they both consented.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 04:06PM

Hi,OP here,

Wow I haven't been on since last night and certainly wasn't expecting this amount of replies ! I see it's turned into some big raging debate more so than any advice ! but thank you all for your replies to me

Ok well we had a long chat this morning and put all our thoughts forward.
By warming to the idea I didn't mean that I had fully decided that I wanted it but I wasn't totally against it,sorry,I only found out a week ago now so it still hasn't fully sunk in with me yet.

We looked at what this baby would do to our lives/plans etc and I wasn't really seeing things as clear as he did from the start,the whole thing just stunned me and knocked my logical thoughts out of sink a bit .

Our talk this morning was very good for both of us,he suggested we talk about it again in a day or so to see how we still feel about it as we both agreed the last thing we want to do is rush into a decision and do something that we'll regret afterwards and that that's the last thing he'd want for me and likewise me for him.

Virgil° · 29-04-2009 04:06PM

ellie1 wrote: »

The op was not looking for a child. Neither was her boyfriend(or was he?;))
Both in engaged in sexual activity which resulted in her getting pregnant. Both are responsible.She has decided to keep the baby. He is annoyed as he believed some plan b they made prior to pregnancy would be upheld.

Except it wasn't just some "plan b" was it? How foolish of him. Actually thinking he might be able to trust his girlfriend!!:rolleyes:

Kimia · 29-04-2009 04:07PM

The Corinthian wrote: »

Why do you insist on saying that it takes two to tango when only one is choosing the tune?

The tune was chosen by both of them when they had sex, resulting in the pregnancy.

They both consented to having sex, all the while knowing that there is ALWAYS the chance of getting pregnant.

He doesn't have to have anything to do with the child, but he will have to pay maintenance, just as she will have to look after the child until it's grown up.

It's his choice to have anything to do with the child.
It's her choice to have the child. (Her body)

But they both travelled down the path to get to this point, holding hands and skipping merrily. No one person trapped the other.

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 04:10PM

The OP has posted again I have highlighted her post as too many might miss it.

Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

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